Thursday, July 7, 2011

Casey Anthony Seeks Coping Advice from OJ Simpson

Warning: Some may find the fact that I’m writing about this trial on a satire page offensive. I did so not for shock value but because I couldn’t stand to look at Casey Anthony smiling after being told she was going free for the murder of her daughter without adding my two cents worth. If you find it in poor taste to write about the subject, please skip over this story and go on to something more to your liking…

The murder trial of Casey Anthony ended this past week with a verdict of not guilty, which pretty much stunned the entire nation. The only murder trial in recent memory that may have had an equally stunning outcome was that of OJ Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Thank goodness for Casey that OJ set a precedent on how to react when the verdict of not guilty was read, as well as how to feign grief over the loss of a loved one you are accused of murdering.

OJ was more than willing to offer Casey some sound advice when it comes to coping with the media and outraged Floridians who didn’t like the outcome of the trial.

“First of all,” OJ told Casey, “don’t let them get to you. I don’t know if you did it or not, but regardless of whether or not you’re guilty, don’t let them make you think that you are. You are a free woman, so act like it.”

When Casey asked OJ how to feign real sadness in light of the fact that she actually is being told she’s a free woman, OJ responded, “Cry. Just put your face in your hands and break down and cry.”

However, when Casey told OJ that she was pretty much over it and couldn’t produce any more tears, OJ let her in on a little secret…”fake tears. Yeah, I know, simple solution, huh? Just go to any costume store and you’ll find them. You’ll be amazed at how realistic they are.”

Casey asked him how much they cost and told him she was a little short on cash. “Well, in that case,” he told her, “try slicing open an onion and wave it in front of your face. That should do the trick.”

Casey then told OJ the biggest problem she seemed to be having after hearing she’d be released from jail in just a few days was the inability to stifle a smile. “I can’t seem to control myself,” said Casey. “Do you have any ideas on how the hell I can wipe that shit-eating grin off my face? I mean, those cameras are everywhere and I’m just so damned happy about being handed that “Get Out of Jail Free” card,” she told him.

“Honey,” said OJ, “you live in Florida, land of the citrus fruit. Suck on a lemon every time you get the urge to smile.”

Casey had to admit it was great advice. How lucky was she to have a mentor who’d gone through the whole routine before her and could teach her the ropes.

“Oh, and one more thing before you send your folks out to the grocery store,” cautioned Simpson. “No matter how badly you want to tell someone what really happened to Caylee, don’t be an idiot like me and confess. Sure, I’ll never do time for the crime, but that civil trial was murder.”

1 comment:

  1. This could be just the new and improved career readjustment that the not guilty Hall of Famer needs to help reestablish his brand as one who can forever make his way through a world of opposition assigned to otherwise bring him down. As for her, keep smiling would seem to be the best advice, at least while she still can. After that, she's on her own, with, I'm guessing, the one hand that may have been clapping in the woods for her, ultimately sick enough, and rightly so, to give her the finger from here to eternity. Just as long most of that is in beautiful downtown hell. Or, at least, it's theoretically far worse off, and, sometimes even way more depressing (too many dictators and despots) suburbs.


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