Letters from Summer Camp – The Transformations

Wonder if I can swim across without
being noticed

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again when the letters start trickling in from the kids whose parents have shipped them off to camp for the summer. In today’s hectic world, all it takes is one little mistake and the kid you send out as an innocent child could very well come back as, well, an evolved being.

Dear Dad,

A word to the wise. Next time you want to cut corners on something, it might be a good idea not to do it on my summer camp tuition. Seems that “great deal” you got back in April to send me off to camp for two weeks didn’t mention that I’d be shackled to my bunk mate during lockdowns. Here’s a hint…“boot camp” doesn’t really have anything to do with hiking.

Sure, the Adirondacks are nice this time of year; the lake is beautiful. However, the only wildlife I’ve seen so far is my fellow campers taking a swing at their correctional officers and the occasional turf war.

Speaking of arts and crafts, I never knew how many things you could use to fashion makeshift knives, or “shivs” as we jokingly refer to them here at camp. Please send more bars of Ivory and some black shoe polish. Oh, and if you could, a couple of bandannas and some extra large basketball shorts.

Well, I better wrap this up. My bunk mate wants to go for a swim and we’ve almost got the three-legged back stroke down to a science now.

Oh, one more thing…can’t wait to show you my knuckle tattoos. Here I was thinking most swear words had only four letters. Oh the things I’m learning here. You and mom aren’t gonna recognize me when I get home.

See you soon,

Jimmy, aka J-man

Camp Homie-Away-From-Home

Dear Mom,

You know how you thought you were sending me to Science camp this summer so I could be with kids who have the same interests as me?

Well, you are not gonna believe this. I am pretty sure we are now Scientologists. Yeah, who knew? We misread the brochures. I don’t remember it saying anything about brainwashing.

Anyway, I think we still believe in the same God, but not really sure yet. I’ll let you know after I attend a few more meetings with the other disciples.

At any rate, they are treating me really nice here so long as I don’t talk about Jesus Christ being my Lord and Savior. For some reason, that really ticks the counselors off. But don’t worry. They never yell at me, at least not like Pastor Higgins does when he talks about going to Hell and all.

So that’s about it. Oh, by the way, I hope you get this. My big plan is to sneak off to the main road, flag a trucker down and make him promise he won’t tell anyone back at camp that I asked him to mail this for me.

Well, gotta run. We have a late arrival and everyone is simply crawling over each other to get to him first. Hopefully, they won’t miss me for at least a couple hours.

Love and Light,

Heather

Camp Alpha Delphi

Letters from Celebrity Summer Camp

Ed Note: Yet another reprise of camp stories since summer camp season is just around the corner. Enjoy

Here are a couple of letters from the older teens who have 'been there and done that.'

Dear Mother,

I just cannot believe how utterly ridiculous this camp is. I mean, they make us do everything for ourselves. I actually have to make my own bed in the morning, and I have now been told that if I want clean shorts, that I, Me! will have to wash the dirty ones out myself. This is a travesty!

And you simply won't believe the almost inedible food I am being made to eat every meal. Do these people not know about indoor cooking? Last night I actually had to eat beans from a can. I know you are doing this to make me a better person, but honestly, mother, this is going too far.

I am totally unable to relate to my bunk mate. She simply doesn't have the upbringing that I have had, and it is a struggle just to have a conversation with her. Last night she started to tell me her life story practically. I mean, really, quick way to bore someone, am I right?

On the bright side, I can't wait to brag to all my friends that you sent me to the best drama camp in the country this summer. Kudos to you on that, mummy.

Literally yours,

Kylie Kardashian

Camp Cinderella

P.S. Is this the same drama camp you sent Kim and Khloe to when they were my age?

                          ******

Dad, Sir!

I am only writing this because I was told that if I do not write home every other day, I will get latrine duty and I don't want latrine duty.

So, I really must ask this question, when you sent me to Marine Military Camp, did you know that they have a don't ask, don't tell policy? Actually, of course, it didn't enter your mind because how could the thought of possibly having a gay son ever enter your mind? After all, you are all man and all we've ever talked about was guns, sports and how to keep women in their place, eh pop?

Well, this little experience in testosterone hell has taught me a lot about myself. I found out that there are more gay boys my age interested in the military than I could have ever imagined.

I have to admit, the pugil stick pit and the firing range aren't really my cup of tea, but come lights out, this little camp starts a hoppin'. I am so thankful you didn't listen to me when I told you I'd rather go to ballet camp (my tutu is actually a big hit).

Have I told you lately I love you dad? Not in a gay way, of course, so don't get crazy on me. Just want to say thank you for opening my eyes and helping me make the most important decision of my life. I hope you and mom will be able to come to watch me in the mud-wrestling matches this Saturday. They say I am a natural.

Semper fi.

Mel, Jr.

Letters from Summer Camp

Ed Note: Another reprise as I am going through some tough times. I swear to you, if I come up with anything else funny, I'll post a new story soon. Pinky swear. In the meantime, please enjoy. Summer camp time isn't that far away folks.

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?

Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,

Billy

p.s. plese send me my Spiderman band-aids, plese.

*****

Dear mommy,

I need you to answer me right back on this. What is a lesbeen? Molly says it is two ladies kissing and hugging like we saw our camp counselors, Marty and Jobeth doing in the woods yesterday.

Tomorrow they are having camp races contests and I have to hold Molly’s hand and hug her so we can win in the sack races. Does that make us lesbeens?

I am so confused now.

Signed,

Alex, your daughter still, so don’t wory yet, just please write back before tomorrow.

p.s. In case lesbeen means what Molly says, don’t show this to daddy. He will freak out.

*****

Dear Mrs. Washburton,

Please come at once to pick up your son, Harold. While we encourage the children to find their inner as well as outer strengths here at Camp Gitcheegoomee, Harold has taken this to the extreme. To him, inner strength seems to mean how much gas he can build up through eating copious amounts of baked beans and washing them down with a 2-litre bottle of soda, and then holding a “burpin/fart fest” as he calls it for his bunk mates after lights out.

We tried to work with him, but several of our counselors have become quite ill after spending the night in his cabin, and we’ve had to cancel a few activities due to being short-staffed. While we think the world of Harold, he just doesn’t seem to be fitting in as we would have liked.

Our sincerest apologies to you, Mrs. Washburton, as we understand from Harold that he has learned this unusual behavior from Mr. Washburton, who holds these contests quite regularly in your home.

Best Wishes,

Cordette Wood, Camp Administrator

Camp Gitcheegoomee

More Letters from Summer Camp

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL).

Me and some kid named Billy Jo McAllister are becoming really good friends. The counselors are saying we are maybe a little bit too friendly. I know you know what I mean mommy, cause that’s the way you are with your boyfriend, Teddy. Love is grand, isn’t it? Who knew I’d find true love at age 13? Now we finally have something in common.

Anyway, I have to go. We are having a film tomorrow on sex education. Wow, who would have thought summer camp would be so fun and so educational too? By the way, since I’m all grown up now, can I call you by your first name? I like it better than mom.

Have fun in Vegas with Teddy, wink wink.

Love,

Serena

Dear Mom,

You tricked me. This isn’t computer camp at all. It is a camp for fatties. Oh yeah, they want me to call it a fitness camp, my big fat hairy mistake! I’m being told already that I have an attitude. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be the fact that I haven’t had a ding dong for 3 days now?!!! That my diet consists of seaweed and tofu wieners? That instead of playing “Lair of the Dead Zombies” on my computer in my bedroom for the entire summer vacation, I’m doing push ups? Outdoors? Outdoorzzzzzuh?

Oh, I’m sure you and dad are having quite the laugh over this while you polish off a whole cheesecake apiece. That’s ok, just remember, paybacks are heck. In addition to the physical activities, we also have to attend counseling sessions. You should be expecting a knock on the door any day now from Children Protective Services.

Where’s the love now?

Vinny