Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

A space scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued a warning in association with the current solar flare activity on the sun’s surface. Edmund P. Rank, a scientist at NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory claims that within the next 24 to 48 hours, the solar flare activity on the sun could actually create a situation where the moon glows brighter.

Dr. Rank cautions those who wish to witness the brighter moon on Thursday night, especially those living quite close to the equator, wear long pants and sleeves and cover their heads with a hat so as to limit exposure from not only the brightness of the moon, but a particularly strong stream of hot charged particles that can move outward from the sun and cause a rare skin condition known as ‘moonburn.’

“We are not joking about this people,” said Dr. Rank. “Moonburn is as rare as they come but when all the pieces line up as perfectly as these do, i.e. extremely strong solar flare activity which sends x-rays and charged particles toward earth, coupled with Coronal Mass Ejections or CME’s which are the hot charged particles that hurtle toward earth’s atmosphere, you get not only a great show, but a great show and tell.”

Dr. Rank claims that people living in Northern Ireland will have the best chance of experiencing the aurora borealis associated with the heightened flare activity. But again, he cautions “Don’t go outdoors and simply look up at the moon without the proper clothing and headgear or you will be sorry the next day.”

Because the event is short-lived, Dr. Rank believes there is really no threat of an increased risk of skin cancer. “However,” he notes, “if you do live in the northern part of the hemisphere and happen to stay out too long on Thursday evening to catch a glimpse of the heightened Aurora Borealis, you may wind up with some very red cheeks.”

Dr. Rank said that the last time this kind of event happened was in 2003, and after admiring the view of the moon in nothing more than a t-shirt and cargo shorts, he did get quite red. “In fact,” he said, “when I showed up for work a few days later, just about everyone wanted to know where I went on my tropical vacation.

I told them, the moon.”

Something Scarier than Friday the 13th?

Many folks have a fear of the number thirteen, a phobia known as triskaidekaphobia. Taking that one step further, those who fear the number 13, when the date happens to fall on a Friday, suffer from parskevidekatriaphobia-- that it is an irrational fear of Friday the 13^th.

Couple that, or triple it in the case of 2012, when not one or two, but actually three times we’ll see the 13^th fall on a Friday, and that has some people just about jumping out of buildings.

It is not surprise then, that a professor at Penn State has concluded studies and determined that there are more than a few folks walking among us who suffer from a very complicated combination of fears that has them not only fearing the number 13 and Friday the 13^th but also the dishonest ways of Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. The three fears combined form a perfect storm of phobias known as Mittotrickstertriskaidekaphobia.

Dr. Sven Jorgenssen of Penn State says he has been studying phobias for the past 20 years and has never come across a more insidious set of fears in one person. While rare, the doctor claims that he has found at least 327 of the 1000 subjects tested have some degree of the triple phobia.

“That says to me that almost one in three people in the United States have a fear of Mitt Romney which is compounded on Friday the 13^th,” said Jorgenssen. “The implications are far-reaching,” he added.

Dr. Jorgenssen says he was astounded at the results. It appears that a compound set of phobias, especially ones in which the subject has superstitious but irrational fears of a certain thing, in this case, Friday the 13^th, combined with a quite rational fear of something or someone, in this case Mitt Romney, may determine whether or not that person will leave his home on that day or stay cowering inside a closet until Saturday, the 14^th.

Looking back to January 13, 2012, when Mitt Romney was in South Carolina to drum up votes for the primary on January 21, Jorgenssen notes that only a handful of brave souls showed up to listen to Romney speak. He [Jorgenssen] is confident this is the reason Romney lost the primary in that state to Newt Gingrich the following week.

With primaries coming up on April 24 in five New England states, Jorgenssen predicts that on the Friday the 13^th leading up to those primaries, Mitt Romney will have an embarrassingly low turnout of voters and may suffer because of it. He further claims that, while he is still conducting the studies, Jorgenssen believes that Friday, July 13^th will bring the biggest embarrassment of Romney’s political career, when people inflicted with Mittotrickstertriskaidekaphobia reaches unprecedented levels.

“If Ron Paul can hang in there long enough,” predicts Jorgenssen, “he may just have a shot after all of winning the whole shebang.”

Forget Doomsday Prophecies; Beer Prices are Skyrocketing

Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It's as if the Universe doesn't take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.

Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday's business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, "The price of a pint may be going up 40%!"

Forget killer bugs, killer storms and the worst oil spill in history. What we're faced with now is an alcoholic tsunami unlike any we've ever seen in history. Without cheap beer to get us through these tough times, we are basically screwed.

When the economy is bad, beer has always been there to help us out of the abyss, to make things seem alright even if only for a short time while we lay sprawled on the floor of some pub, oblivious to the terrible disasters occurring around us. If we awoke with a feeling of dread, we just hobbled down to the quickie mart and bought some more brain balm and again, the world was rosy.

But brain balm is now gonna cost more and with the economy the way it is, some are going to have to forego essentials like rent and groceries to keep the malty medicament flowing. Oh, make no mistake, we'll find the money somehow. Sell our blood or a kidney, rob a bank, hit the folks up for their social security checks first of the month. The money will find its way to the barkeeps' tills one way or another, but wouldn't it be nice, just once, to hear this bit of news, "Beer prices down this quarter, drinks all around."