Father's Day Iron Dad Competition Cancelled Due to Lack of Registrants

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -  The 10th Annual Father's Day Iron Dad Competition set to take place on Sunday, was cancelled at the last minute Friday when it appeared that there was only one father fit enough to take on the challenge.

Barry "Buff" Harrington was disappointed at the news saying he had been training for the Iron Dad Competition for the better part of this past year and felt sure to take home the top prize of a Sears top-of-the line treadmill.

"You have to be kidding me," said an irate Harrington when told the news.

"You mean that in the entire city of Birmingham, I am the only one who passed all the pre-qualifying tests to determine fitness for the race?"

The race, consisting of 10 minutes running, 15 minutes swimming, and 30 minutes bicycling, far less than a normal endurance competition, had only seven entrants this year, down from 23 last year. Out of that, only Buff qualified.

The Birmingham Chamber of Commerce convened immediately following the decision to determine what, if anything, they could plan on such short notice to still help fathers and their sons celebrate Father's Day together.

It was announced late Friday evening that the Chamber would host a Father/Son Eating Competition instead. Re-named the 1st Annual Father's Day Pig Out Competition would roughly follow Triathlon guidelines of three eating competitions, namely, Hot Dogs, Ribs, and Hot Wings.

As of Saturday afternoon 74 father/son teams had signed up for the competition, and ironically, all but Buff qualified.

Said Harvey Blubberson, spokesperson for the Southeastern Chapter of the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce,

"We were aware that Birmingham had a problem with obesity, but this has really driven the point home for us. From now on, when planning activities, we will take into account the fact that our citizens would much rather eat than exercise and plan accordingly."

The Birmingham CoC 1st Annual Father's Day Pig Out Competition will begin Sunday at 10 a.m. and is expected to last until the food runs out, which is anticipated to be sometime around 11 a.m. Those wishing to participate are asked to bring their own bibs.

When asked for further comment, Buff walked off in a huff.

Ohio Allows Minors to Purchase Guns as Father’s Day Gifts

Ohio Governor John Kasich has signed a temporary executive order allowing children as young as ten-years old to purchase hunting rifles and ammunition for their fathers as gifts on Father’s Day. The program, dubbed “Shotgun Sunday” is part of a bid by Kasich to keep his constituents happy during these troubled political times.


“I thought to myself, how can I keep Ohioans happy so they’ll stop all their grumbling about impeachment? That’s when it hit me--give them more opportunities to buy guns,” said Kasich as he announced the new law at a gun show in Portsmouth, Ohio early last month.


Gun shop owners have been busy filling out the necessary forms that will allow them to sell firearms to minors for a short one-week period culminating in what some claim will be the best Father’s Day ever for Ohio dads.


“What better way to say ‘I love you, Dad’ than to present your father with a hunting rifle, some camouflage overalls and a box of ammunition,” said a Kasich spokesperson. 


Unfortunately, the largest seller of firearms in Ohio, Walmart, didn’t sign up for the program, and therefore, the kids who want to partake in this promotional sale will have to shell out a little more money at one of the higher end gun shops in the state. 


Uncle Sam’s Gun Emporium in Cincinnati, Ohio is having a BOGO sale all this week in honor of Father’s Day and says that, at times, there have been customers lining up around the corner to get in on the deal.


Timmy Wilkerson, 10, and his mother, Sue showed up first thing after Church this past Sunday to pick out a pair of father/son Remingtons he’s had his eye on for some time now. 


“Boy,” said Timmy, “this is just swell. While admitting he only had $3.75 in his piggy bank, which these days doesn’t buy a whole lot, Timmy said his mom was more than happy to pitch in a couple hundred more to help him make this Father’s Day very special for his dad.


Meanwhile, Governor Kasich claims that if this new temporary law is a hit, he’s got quite a few other ideas he’d like to try out his executive order privileges on, such as “Tax-Free Luxury Item Tuesdays” and “My Way or the Highway Budget Proposals,” especially now that Governor Scott Walker has paved the way for an anything-goes government model.

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”

Alternative Gifting Ideas for Kids with Single Dads or Any Other Dad for that Matter

Editor's Note: Sorry Dad's--Better Late than Never

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light.  Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear.  So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is not only taking care of himself now, but also taking care of you, the other kid in the household? 

Let’s start with nourishment.  It gets pretty tiresome having cereal for breakfast, Spaghettio’s for lunch, and burned hamburgers on the grill for dinner, doesn’t it?  Do yourself a favor, buy dad a cookbook.  Not just any ordinary Betty Crocker cookbook.  He’ll never figure it out.  Get him his own cookbook, “See Dad Cook: The Only Book a Guy Needs to Feed Family and Friends (and Himself).”  Think about it, not only will you be getting a better shot at nourishment; you’ll be saving him from himself and his awful cooking.  What better way to say I love you?

Of course, if you’re one of the fortunate children who has a father who can do more than boil water, you may want to skip the cookbook and go for something that will get him off the couch and outdoors with you.  Yep, I’m talking model airplane!  Think of all the hours of fun you and he will have building and flying your very own model airplane.  Even though some may think of this as a selfish gift, don’t give it another thought.  This isn’t just a toy for you, it’s an adventure the two of you will be taking together.  What father doesn’t want to see his son happy?  Of course, if you are a daughter and not exactly the tomboy type, don’t worry.  Dad won’t tell you this, but he really, really does like to dress up and play tea party on the front lawn.

Ok, so you figured out on your very own that it really was just a way to get a free toy out of dad and you’re not feeling it so much.  No problem, there are other things you can get dad that will tell him loud and clear just how much he means to you.  Get him some gift certificates to McDonald’s.  You will be giving him the gift of convenience.  What parent couldn’t use some extra time with the kids in a fun and safe environment?  Make sure he takes you to the newest one with the big enclosed play area, so he can have the time of his life watching you have the time of your life.  I know, you’re surprised you didn’t think of this one all on your own.  You’re welcome.

Bet you’d love to go to a ball game wouldn't you?  So would dad!  Offer to tag along with him to the game on Father’s Day, and don’t forget to show your appreciation for the peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks and soda you’ll be helping him eat.  How, you ask, could getting your dad to buy tickets to a ball game, along with buying a house payment’s worth of goodies for you, be a gift to dad? Simple, you’re letting him know in your own special way that it’s ok if he loves sports more than he loves you.  Love is a two-way street.

So, kids, those are some alternative gift-giving ideas for you to consider this Father’s Day.  Your father will be so surprised at your ability to think outside the box.  And remember, these gifts aren’t just appropriate for giving on Father’s Day, there’s Christmas, and Valentine’s Day, oh and there’s his birthday….