Animal Rights Activist Wants Gummy Bears Taken Off Market

SAN DIEGO, Calif. -  Gummy Bears candy has been around for decades, and has given children the world over a fun and fruity treat whether sprinkled on ice cream or eaten straight out of the bag. However, there is one person who wants Gummy Bears taken off the market.

Susie McGillicutty, from San Diego, is a PETA activist who claims that Gummy Bears may make hunters out of children later in life.

"Sure, they are cute, those little dancing bears," said McGillicutty, "but have you ever wondered about what happens to children when they grow up on Gummy Bears? They are so desensitized by the time they become young adults, that they may decide killing bears and eating them is perfectly fine."

Even for other PETA members, this seemed to be a stretch, but McGillicutty claims she has several co-activist friends who thoroughly agree with her.

"I decided to come forward with this thought of mine after seeing that the United States Patent Office has stripped the Washington Redskins of their trademark."

Although that bit of news has nothing to do with animal cruelty, we continued our conversation with McGillicutty.

"I love bears," said an emotional McGillicutty, "and I'll go to any lengths to save them," she continued, wiping away a tear.

When reminded that this was merely a children's candy and not really aimed at making killers or hunters out of the children who ate them, McGillicutty was unconvinced.

"Oh, I've watched children scarf down those little bears with reckless abandon," she said. "They remind me of a pack of hungry hyenas going after a water buffalo carcass in Africa."

That last statement from McGillicutty begged the question "Interesting that you make that connection, Ms. McGillicutty. Certainly you are aware that Gummy Bears contain gelatin made from the collagen extracted from the carcasses of mainly cattle and pigs? Perhaps that is why you are so intent on getting this candy off the market?"

Ms. McGillicutty seemed shocked to learn this.

"You mean, I'm right? I mean, yeah, sure, I knew that. That is another reason I don't want kids eating the stuff," she said.

PETA could not be reached for comment.

Political Activist Group Petition Drive Runs Amok

The Political Activist Group "Making Change” is reaching out to their contributor base, asking for ideas for new petitions to keep the heat on Washington and Wall Street. Problem is, folks are using it for personal gripes and shying away from the big issues.

“There are only so many trees you can save…literally,” said Gertrude Weinstein, a 70-year old activist who just submitted her own petition trying to pass a law allowing senior citizens to submit claims to Medicare for grey market mobility scooters. Weinstein and others have found that they have lots of time on their hands and a whole bundle of issues they’d like to see addressed from defective adult diapers to making early-bird specials mandatory at all restaurants.

Making Change admits asking ordinary citizens to contribute ideas for petitions may have been a bad idea. “While we state clearly on our site that we are looking for the best ideas to promote a progressive agenda through the petition process, something has gotten lost in the translation,” said Sarah Birkenstock, head of public relations at Making Change.

In one day, Birkenstock says Making Change received petitions to deal with everything from Rush Limbaugh’s push to keep pill mills pumping out the Oxycontin to changing the National Anthem to Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way.”

“So far, our site and dozens of others have brought focus to about a million gazillion causes through petition drives, and we have found that regardless of whether or not the net is becoming overly polluted with petitions for every political and social cause under the sun, people are still signing them left and right,” she said.

Asked if possibly trying to persuade folks to get personally involved instead of just sitting at a desk and signing petitions might be a better route to take, Sarah responded, “Are you kidding? Try getting a group of folks together to actually get out the vote or show up for town hall meetings or any number of other civic-minded duties and you’d think you’re asking them for a kidney. But put them in front of a small screen, ask them to put their support behind a recall election by clicking on a box with their name and address already filled in for them, and you’ve got a million signatures in one evening.”

Birkenstock says she’s just as bad as the rest of them.

“I had one come across my desk the other day, I kid you not,” said Birkenstock, “that read ‘Tell Washington no more petitions.’ I realized I’d signed it before I’d even read it.”