Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President

The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”

Jon Stewart Threatens to Quit over Olbermann Hiring

NEW YORK - Rumors of Comedy Central hiring progressive news host Keith Olbermann has Jon Stewart threatening to quit and go elsewhere to peddle his brand of humor. Stewart, who shares billing with what he calls “The Best Fu#@ing News Team Ever,” was visibly shaken upon hearing the news first hand from a TMZ reporter after leaving the Sushiden on Madison Avenue early Sunday afternoon.

“You have got to be fu#@ing kidding me,” said Stewart while simultaneously telling his wife to get his agent on the phone immediately. “Wait, hold that. This is an April Fool’s joke, right?” he asked the reporter.

Assured by the reporter that the story came from verified sources, Stewart replied that he wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some kind of hoax played on him by one of his friends.

Stewart said he’d rather work for Fox News than share the same studio space with Olbermann, who he claims is one of the unfunniest guys he’s ever met.

“You want funny? Hire Bill O’Reilly,” Stewart reportedly told TMZ.

Comedy Central Hires Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann was fired Friday by Current TV for breach of contract. Fortunately for Olbermann, he won’t have to start a new Countdown for the days since his firing or days until his new job. That’s because Olbermann was immediately hired by Comedy Central on the advice of Emmy Award-winning writer and producer Eddy Spageddi.

“Keith Olbermann cracks me up,” said Spageddi, who seems to have a second sense when it comes to finding comedic talent, having a hand in recommending guys like Daniel Tosh, Dave Attell and others.  Spageddi was asked why he would recommend hiring a guy like Olbermann, who has a reputation for being one of the most serious guys around when it comes to progressive issues.

“Honestly? I think people just don’t get him,” said Spageddi. “Maybe I’m missing something, but I think Keith takes sarcasm and irony to a level so far above anyone I’ve ever met, including the likes of Stephen Colbert.”

Spageddi says he got hooked on Olbermann when he [Olbermann] was still with MSNBC.

“I would regularly sit down to unwind after a grueling day at the Central, roll a fattie and turn on Olbermann. The guy had me in stitches almost every night,” he said. Spageddi concludes that Olbermann just hasn’t found his target market yet and believes Current TV is nuts to let him go.

“Their loss, our gain,” said Spageddi. “Fortunately, here at Comedy Central, we have plenty of niches to fill. We’ll take him. No problemo.”

Not many of Spageddi’s colleagues agree though. Word around the water cooler is that Olbermann won’t last more than a couple of weeks before he alienates everyone around him and brings the whole place down. And many are worried that bringing Olbermann into the Comedy Central fold will have some dire consequences when it comes to keeping their number one ratings king, Jon Stewart, happy.

“This one could really backfire on Eddy this time,” said Lou Berifunni, a writer for the Stephen Colbert Report, “Keith Olbermann holds grudges like no one I’ve ever seen. Hell, he’s still counting down the days since Bush started the war in Iraq even though Bush hasn’t been our President now for going on four years.” He then added, “On second thought, that is pretty damned funny.”