Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Rich Hoarder Found in Filthy Home Amid Piles of Money

City workers with the local Health Department in Dallas, Texas, were called to the 1300 Block of Throckmorton Street on a tip from an anonymous caller who suspected her neighbor of being a hoarder.

Upon arriving at the location, the task force found one Thurston R. Minedigger III, sitting amid piles and piles of wet moldy money. The home smelled strongly of human feces and un-rinsed jars of caviar, but the most striking difference between Minedigger's home and that of a normal hoarder is the amount of money stacked throughout the home.

"There were piles and piles of thousand dollar bills stacked from floor to ceiling," said Monica Norwalk, a City worker whose job it is to check out complaints received by the Health Department.

"I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before in my life. And, if you have never smelled that much money in one place, let me tell you, it is not a pleasant smell.

I cannot imagine what it would be like having to work around money all day long," she said.

When workers tried to take Minedigger from his home so that they could clean it up, he became irate.

"You city workers are going to steal from me, aren't you?" he shouted at them.

"I know what you make, and I know that if I left you alone in this apartment for only a few seconds, the place would be picked clean in no time."

The workers tried to convince Mr. Minedigger that they were only there to protect him from himself; however, Mr. Minedigger was convinced that the poor were eventually going to take all his money and he had to protect every single dime.

A television in the corner of the room was tuned to Fox News, and ironically, Fox News Host Stuart Varney was discussing how much more the rich are having to pay in taxes and how it is going to federal aid programs for the poor.

Minedigger's eyes seemed to glaze over when the workers tried to pry the thousands of dollars from his hands in order to restrain him and take him from the home.

"My grandfather, Thurston Minedigger, worked his ass off for this money. Take your hands off me you ruffians," he shouted. "Where is my lawyer?"

A voice from under a pile of money near the dining area answered "Here, sir, I'm right here," as he stuffed piles of money in his pocket and tried to make his way to the front door.

Once Mr. Minedigger was restrained and ready to be escorted from the home, a social worker tried to talk to him about his options.

"We have a camera crew waiting just outside the door, Mr. Minedigger, and it is our obligation to let you know that this scene will be filmed and aired on national television on the A&E Channel next season. You could make anywhere in the neighborhood of $10 to $15 thousand dollars for your story."

Mr. Minedigger seemed to calm down upon hearing this and agreed to allow the crew in to film his segment of the Hoarders television show. The name of the segment is being tentatively called "Dirty, Filthy Money."

Once he was in the custody of the social workers, the A&E Crew moved in to the penthouse to start filming the clean up.

City workers estimate the amount of money found in Minedigger's penthouse ranges anywhere from a couple thousand to a few million, depending on whom you ask once the crews finished cleaning up. 

Minedigger's attorney refused to be interviewed on or off camera.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Writer Blames Inability to Write on Having Teeth Pulled

Pat Beekers,  Unpublished Author
Awaiting New Dentures
Pat Beekers has been wandering about her home feeling inadequate as a writer these days ever since she had all her teeth pulled. Little did she know when she agreed to have the procedure done, it would affect her life in such a dramatic way.

"I couldn't figure it out," said Beekers.

"I'd sit at the computer, staring at the keyboard, and wondering why I couldn't come up with anything remotely funny to write. I would start picking at my fingernails, which have recently grown a good quarter of an inch apiece in the past week, and then, out of habit, I put my nails to my mouth to bite them off, only to realize I had no teeth. What an odd sensation to put the nail to teeth only to find 'nothingness," she said.

"It was so surreal."

Beekers claims that is when it struck her--the inability to bite her nails was directly correlated to her inability to write a funny story.

"It all made sense to me," claims Beekers.

"I couldn't think of one funny think to write. The only reason I am even writing this story is to let my small group of readers know that I'm trying. I really am. But I just don't have it anymore," she said.

"I suppose I could be doing something else, like cooking or sewing," Beekers admits. But she claims the lack of teeth is making it hard on her to do other ordinary things like opening a package of rice mix to cook for dinner, or biting off the thread after sewing a button on a blouse.

"Yes, I suppose I could take up the scissors again and re-learn how to use them, but really," said Beekers, "do I want to go to the trouble? Not really."

Beekers added a bit forlornly, "I honestly had no idea how immensely important teeth were until I lost mine. I just hope that when they fit me for my dentures, they can make them handy enough to allow me to bite my nails again and anything else that needs opening, shortening, or bitten off.

"I rather enjoyed biting my nails, especially when I was nervous or, of course, trying to think up funny stuff to write."

Friday, April 25, 2014

Toothless Eating Competitor Plans on Gumming Her Way to Finish Line

I can eat this whole loaf in ten seconds flat
Mildred McCurdle, from Bristol, has been participating in food competitions for a good part of her 49 years. She claims she has developed a winning strategy that, through the years, has landed her a whopping 113 medals from county shows all over England.

Unfortunately, Mildred suffered a stroke of bad luck earlier this year when told by her dentist that, due to misuse and disrepair, Mildred would have to have all her teeth yanked and replaced with dentures.

"But what about the peanut-brittle eating contest coming up in July?" Mildred remembers asking her dentist at the time. "Surely it can wait until after then," she pleaded.

But her pleas fell on deaf ears--literally--as her dentist suffers from hearing loss.

After asking again, a bit louder this time, "CAN'T WE PULL MY TEETH AFTER THE PEANUT-BRITTLE-EATING COMPETITION DOWN IN BRISTOL IN JULY?" the dentist confirmed that Mildred would not be eating anything else remotely solid for the next several months, let alone peanut brittle.

Mildred was crushed. Of all the eating competitions she has participated in, peanut brittle was her all-time favourite. In fact, she had become known far and wide as Little McBrittle, a title she was extremely proud of. Unfortunately, that little-known fact is precisely what put Millie's teeth in such rotten condition.

No, It's Not This Eating Compy
However, all is not lost, as one of Mildred's friends in the compy world happened upon a competition right up Mildred's alley. The competition is being held at the Essex Young Farmers Country Show on May 18.

"It's a custard-eating competition!" exclaimed Millie, and the toothless foodie claims she couldn't be happier.

"My new dentures aren't expected to be ready until June, but," said a jubilant Mildred, "my dentist said he hopes to have my mouth in proper eating order by the end of April, giving my gums plenty of time to heal before I start training for the custard competition," she said.

"It's a drive, alright," said Mildred, excitedly, talking about the distance between her home in Bristol and the upcoming event in Essex, "but one I'm willing to make if it means winning another medal."

Mildred says she just hopes there is a variety of custards to choose from, preferably something tart.

Mildred says Tubby Custard would
be ideal for the competition, as it tastes
like crap
"The worse it tastes, the quicker it goes down," claims Mildred.

"If I get something rich and yummy, I'm a goner. I tend to savour the food I eat sometimes which normally lands me in third or fourth place," she said. "Going home with a yellow ribbon in hand just isn't an option," she exclaimed.

Her record is a testament to that fact. Last year Mildred lost a sausage eating contest due to the fact that the sausages made were those of her uncle Mortie, who owns the local butcher shop.

"Uncle Mortie makes a battered sausage to die for," said Millie, and every year I enter a contest that has his sausages in it, I lose. It's somewhat of a family joke around here."

But there is no joking that Mildred won't have the chops to eat her uncle's sausages for a while until she gets new "teeth." In the meantime, she's happy that there is a competition she knows she can win.

"If I can eat a dozen Bakewell tarts in under ten minutes," said Mildred, "I sure can eat my weight in custard."

If her attitude about having all her teeth yanked and still looking for competitions to enter is any indication, Mildred is already a winner in many of her countrymen's eyes.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Miley Cyrus Grounded by Her Father, Billy Ray

It was reported Friday, that Miley Cyrus is postponing her Bangerz tour in the U.S. until August due to illness. However, that was just a cover up to the real story.

In fact, it is her father who has finally put his foot down and has grounded Miley for four months, which he says is about long enough to get some new costumes made that, in his words, "will bring back the Hannah Montana we all knew and loved."

Billy Ray Cyrus announced today that his daughter, Miley, won't be performing the remainder of her U.S. concerts due to the fact that he's had it with having to deal with slobbering old men attending her concerts and grabbing at her while she tries to get into her limo.

"For Chrissakes, people, she's only a child...my child!" Cyrus screamed into the mikes thrust in his face after his announcement.

For once, the overly-permissive father has taken a stand and said no more.

"We've tried time outs," said Cyrus, "and they just don't work with Miley. "She just sneaks off to practice her twerking in the studio downstairs," he said.

"Enough of the bumping and grinding already. We get it. You have a no-no down there, ok Miley?" Cyrus screamed, letting his frustrations out in no particular order.

Meanwhile, his wife Tish is devastated.

"I've been living vicariously through Miley for over two years now, and all that is coming to a screeching halt because Billy Ray has suddenly 'found Jesus...again'" said the overly indulgent Tish.

"I hate cowgirl boots, and now I'll have to wear them to every concert again," she said as she stomped out of the room.

She was so hurt, in fact, she could not finish the interview and instead went to get botox injections to ease her pain.

Asked what Miley will do this summer if she can't perform, Cyrus answered "Well, I'm thinking maybe she can go down to the local homeless shelter and help sling hash for the downtrodden."

"Like hell I will," screamed Miley from the basement.

Interestingly, this was the first interview with the entire Miley family that went fairly well for Billy Ray as he indicated, "well, at least I have a lock on the outside of the door to the 'twerk-out' room."

As a follow up to this interview, we spoke to a few people who run the homeless shelters in Los Angeles, and they admit they would love to have Miley come and help feed the homeless, "but only if she wears that hot number with the white gorilla arms."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

New Ted Cruz Book Uses Dr. Seuss as Inspiration

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has announced a new book deal with HarperCollins that will purportedly earn him well into the six figures. The particulars of the book deal have yet to be announced, but insiders say it will most likely capitalize on Cruz' ability to nail the Dr. Seuss writing format, i.e. rhyming his words and repeating them ad nauseam. A title has been tentatively chosen: How Much Filibuster Can U Muster?

A spokesperson for Sen. Cruz, when reached for comment, had this to say:

"Ted Cruz has always been a great fan of Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Ted, or more popularly known as
Dr. Seuss, and as such, he would like to remember the great Dr. Seuss by honoring him in his first non-coloring book venture out into the literary world."

Another reason Cruz has supposedly chosen this style of writing is because he "knows his audience," said the spokesperson.

"Sen. Cruz is well aware that the majority of his constituents from Texas are products of a sub-par state educational system that has devolved over the past decade or so under leaders such as Governor Rick Perry. As such, they may be able to read at only a second or third grade level at best," said Dolly DeLearned, Cruz's assistant who has been instrumental in getting Cruz to sign the book deal.

Ms. DeLearned was quick to point out that her last statement in no way diminished the greater good Gov. Rick Perry has done for Texas, including a push for expansion of the open-carry gun laws in the state, and making sure that Obamacare did not reach it's ugly hand into the state laws of Texas by forcing Perry to expand the state Medicaid program.

Sen. Cruz' first book, Cruz to the Future, was published in a coloring book format for exactly this reason, i.e. to reach as many of his adult constituents as he can without making them think too hard.

Asked for a reading from Cruz' upcoming book, Ms. DeLearned stated that although the Senator from Texas has yet to fully formulate his thoughts into text, she did read us a smidgeon from a cocktail napkin on which Cruz scribbled the following in crayon:

I do not like Obamacare,
I do not like it here nor there
I would not want it in my house
to cover me, my kids, or spouse,
I do not like Obamacare
something, something, anywhere.

It was pretty evident from that small bit of writing that Cruz may be on to something. If he can get six figures by ripping off one of the greatest children's book authors of all times, just think what he could do if he actually sat down and read half the bills introduced by both parties of the Senate.

Ms. DeLearned says Sen. Cruz will also devote a whole section of the book to Mitch McConnell, if he can find enough words to rhyme with the latter Senator's name.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Song Parody - Unfriend Me (To Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck)

Please Unfriend me let me go
You aren't someone I wish to know
I hope this doesn't make you sore,
Unfriend me, don't poke me anymore

At first, we laughed and joked around,
I picked you up when you were down
But lately you've become a bore
So unfriend me, don't bother me no more.

Please release me as your friend
This relationship has got to end,
How else can I get through to you?
Unfriend me cause I've unfriended you.

Please unfriend me, cause I've unfriended you.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Jon Stewart Leaves the Daily Show, Starts JON Channel

The Daily Show is one man poorer this morning with the announcement that Jon Stewart is now rich enough to own himself and is quitting Comedy Central and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey with her development of her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable television network, Stewart has decided to start the JON (Jon's Own Network) cable television network, which should be up and operational by the end of April.

A spokesperson for HBO, owners of Comedy Central, where Jon Stewart has honed his craft as the top parody news show host on cable for the past 15 years, claims this move wasn't really a shock for anyone.

"Jon has been talking about going solo, or should I say, bigger, for about a year or so now," said Sheldon Finkelstein, programming director at Comedy Central and shareholder in the new JON venture.

Although Stewart's net worth, hovering around the $80 million mark, is nowhere near Oprah Winfrey's estimated $2.9 billion net worth, Stewart claims at the rate he was going, he would have had to be 147 years old to do anything on the grand scale of Oprah's network.

That is why he is starting small.

"I'm taking Colbert with me," said Stewart, speaking of course about Stephen Colbert, the other side of the hilarious Coin 'o Comedy, as he sometimes refers to Colbert and himself.

"Do I want Colbert on my team?" asked Jon. "Well, let me put it this way," he answered his own question with the now-famous quote by Mario Puzo, i.e. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

Because Comedy Central owns the rights to Stewart's name outright, and he can't buy his name back with the paltry amount he has in the bank, Stewart plans on changing his name to simply JON.

"It's a gamble," said the multi-talented comedian, writer, actor, and now owner of himself, "but in the long run, it's something I felt compelled to try."

Jon went on to say that he and Colbert had been planning this for quite some time, and with their combined net worth, they think they have a real shot at giving Comedy Central a run for its money.

"In the end," said Stewart, "it's not about making people laugh so much as it is a matter of pride.

"At what point do we ask ourselves, 'really? A black woman is one of the richest Americans on the planet?'"