Friday, April 25, 2014

Toothless Eating Competitor Plans on Gumming Her Way to Finish Line

I can eat this whole loaf in ten seconds flat
Mildred McCurdle, from Bristol, has been participating in food competitions for a good part of her 49 years. She claims she has developed a winning strategy that, through the years, has landed her a whopping 113 medals from county shows all over England.

Unfortunately, Mildred suffered a stroke of bad luck earlier this year when told by her dentist that, due to misuse and disrepair, Mildred would have to have all her teeth yanked and replaced with dentures.

"But what about the peanut-brittle eating contest coming up in July?" Mildred remembers asking her dentist at the time. "Surely it can wait until after then," she pleaded.

But her pleas fell on deaf ears--literally--as her dentist suffers from hearing loss.

After asking again, a bit louder this time, "CAN'T WE PULL MY TEETH AFTER THE PEANUT-BRITTLE-EATING COMPETITION DOWN IN BRISTOL IN JULY?" the dentist confirmed that Mildred would not be eating anything else remotely solid for the next several months, let alone peanut brittle.

Mildred was crushed. Of all the eating competitions she has participated in, peanut brittle was her all-time favourite. In fact, she had become known far and wide as Little McBrittle, a title she was extremely proud of. Unfortunately, that little-known fact is precisely what put Millie's teeth in such rotten condition.

No, It's Not This Eating Compy
However, all is not lost, as one of Mildred's friends in the compy world happened upon a competition right up Mildred's alley. The competition is being held at the Essex Young Farmers Country Show on May 18.

"It's a custard-eating competition!" exclaimed Millie, and the toothless foodie claims she couldn't be happier.

"My new dentures aren't expected to be ready until June, but," said a jubilant Mildred, "my dentist said he hopes to have my mouth in proper eating order by the end of April, giving my gums plenty of time to heal before I start training for the custard competition," she said.

"It's a drive, alright," said Mildred, excitedly, talking about the distance between her home in Bristol and the upcoming event in Essex, "but one I'm willing to make if it means winning another medal."

Mildred says she just hopes there is a variety of custards to choose from, preferably something tart.

Mildred says Tubby Custard would
be ideal for the competition, as it tastes
like crap
"The worse it tastes, the quicker it goes down," claims Mildred.

"If I get something rich and yummy, I'm a goner. I tend to savour the food I eat sometimes which normally lands me in third or fourth place," she said. "Going home with a yellow ribbon in hand just isn't an option," she exclaimed.

Her record is a testament to that fact. Last year Mildred lost a sausage eating contest due to the fact that the sausages made were those of her uncle Mortie, who owns the local butcher shop.

"Uncle Mortie makes a battered sausage to die for," said Millie, and every year I enter a contest that has his sausages in it, I lose. It's somewhat of a family joke around here."

But there is no joking that Mildred won't have the chops to eat her uncle's sausages for a while until she gets new "teeth." In the meantime, she's happy that there is a competition she knows she can win.

"If I can eat a dozen Bakewell tarts in under ten minutes," said Mildred, "I sure can eat my weight in custard."

If her attitude about having all her teeth yanked and still looking for competitions to enter is any indication, Mildred is already a winner in many of her countrymen's eyes.

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