Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future.
Claire Dunsaid, a Certified Nutritional Specialist from Glendale, Arizona (a vegan who is 5’6” and weighs 108 lbs.—not that this information is in any way relevant to this story), has recently notified the Governor of the State of Mississippi that unless he does something to ‘downsize’ the citizens of his state, at least 80% of the population will die from obesity-related diseases, including diabetes, coronary heart disease, and stroke, by the year 2018.
“80%!” said Ms. Dunsaid incredulously, as if she was hearing the number for the very first time.
“I’ve gone back over my research again and again, and even I cannot believe the enormity of the situation,” she said.
Besides her prediction that 80% of the population will have passed on by the year 2018, Ms. Dunsaid also predicts that Mississippi will go bankrupt within the next three years due to the inability to subsidize the medical costs for 40% of the state’s population who are too poor to pay for their poor eating habits.
Dunsaid’s message to the Governor reads in part:
I am dead serious when I warn you that unless you take the necessary steps to demand that the citizens of your state cut back, and I mean way back, on the amount of unhealthy foods they are currently consuming, the results of overeating will be devastating. I predict that by the year 2018, 80% of your population will die!
Asked what could be done to save the state from the fate she has predicted, Ms. Dunsaid simply replied “fried chicken, fried anything for that matter. If the citizens of Mississippi would simply cut fried foods from their diets, they would almost immediately reverse the fate they now face.”
But it seems that when asked, most Mississippians said they’d rather die than give up their fried chicken and catfish.
Ms. Dunsaid replied “So be it.”
The Governor, while having lunch at Miss Winnie’s All-You-Can-Eat Catfish House, declined a response when asked what he thought of Ms. Dunsaid’s prediction. Instead, he ordered a refill on his sweet tea and a slice of Miss Winnie’s famous deep-fried pecan pie.
Jason Dimples, a 27-year old iron worker from Youngstown, Ohio, has recently filed a Complaint for injuries he received several months ago while dining with his family at a local fast food restaurant. In his Complaint, Dimples alleges he was carrying a tray of food to the table where his wife and two young sons were seated when he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the area of his abdomen.
"I almost passed out from the pain," says Dimples as he met with reporters outside the courthouse where his suit was filed. "The doctors told me I suffered a hernia, most likely caused by lifting the heavy tray and carrying it across the dining room to our table."
Dimples would not, however, go into many more details regarding the incident on advice from his attorneys. A review of his Complaint alleges the following:
Dimples and his family have dined at this particular restaurant many times without incident; however, he believes this particular trip was different due to the fact that the food on the tray weighed considerably more than what the family usually ordered.
According to the Complaint, the fast food restaurant is one of the most popular eating establishments in the Youngstown area due to the fact that they offer a budget menu that helps families such as the Dimples dine out without breaking the bank. However, the competition among other fast food restaurants induced this restaurant to up the ante and offer larger sized portions for a mere $.25 per item.
The "Giganti-Size Your Meal Deal™" meant that the Dimples family could stretch their food budget simply by spending less than $2.00 more on a complete meal for four. It was this option that landed Mr. Dimples in the emergency room with a painful hernia.
In response to the Complaint, the fast food restaurant claims that it took Mr. Dimples three times to try and lift the tray before finally getting it balanced to where he could maneuver it to his table. Because of this, the restaurant alleges he should have reasonably known the dangers of carrying such a heavy load therefore assuming a percentage of the risk for his injuries.
The fast food restaurant also claims that it was merely giving Mr. Dimples what he and others in this depressed area wanted, i.e. more bang for their buck. The restaurant seemed to imply that if anything, by having to offer more food for a smaller profit margin, they, not Mr. Dimples should be suing for damages.
Speaking of which, Mr. Dimples' lawsuit listed as damages his medical bills, lost wages, and loss of consortium (his sex life was affected by the hernia). It goes without saying Mr. Dimples was also asking the Plaintiff to refund the cost of the meal for four which was never consumed, totaling roughly $12.85.
