Saturday, June 30, 2012

Victoria Osteen Receives Unsolicited Makeup Tips from Beyond Grave

HOUSTON, TX - Rumors are swirling that former evangelist, Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, now deceased, has broken through from the great beyond to, in one psychic’s explanation, “get a message quick to Victoria Osteen that she needs makeup tips and fast.”

Osteen, as you may or may not know, is the co-pastor at Lakewood Church along with her super-successful mega-church leading husband, Joel Osteen. Together, they have built one of the largest non-denominational Christian followings in the United States and are, therefore, quite frankly, mega-rich and mega-successful.

But there is obviously one person, albeit a dead person, who thinks that Victoria Osteen needs improvement in one area—makeup. Known mainly for her makeup and her love for the Lord, in that order, Tammy Faye Bakker came on the national scene as loving spouse of evangelical pastor Jim Bakker, original founder of the PTL (Praise the Lord) Club.

Said Jim Bakker eventually was accused of sexual misconduct and tax evasion and was in prison for a while, but Praise the Lord, he is back on television, once again soft-peddling his religious wares.

It now appears that Tammy Faye has resurfaced as well. A psychic by the name of Chris Ball from a Houston suburb has indicated that Osteen has contacted her to complain about an annoying presence that is haunting her regularly and seems to have a desperate need to “save” Osteen’s career before it is too late by offering makeup tips from beyond the grave. 

“Vickie will be down there at the Church backstage with her makeup artists and all of a sudden a certain tube of lipstick will fly off the makeup table, or water will appear in dry foundation,” said Ball. “The scariest incident happened a couple of weeks ago when the message ‘Remember, honey, waterproof mascara’ appeared in bright red lipstick on Osteen’s mirror.”

“It’s never really gotten much more physical than that, but the bulk of the nuisance comes directly from Bakker to Osteen’s subconscious. Vickie has told me she’ll channel messages like ‘It’s ok if they call you a clown honey, that extra rouge and extra-thick eyelashes will allow your followers way up in the rafters to see you just as clear as a bell,’ and ‘buy in bulk at the flea market.’”

Bell claims the messages don’t really rattle Osteen. She just finds them incredibly annoying. Especially when she has to sit through a long rambling explanation of just how badly Bakker was treated by her husband and that she was the brains behind the whole operation, which Osteen says has made her late more than once for her entrance onto the pulpit. “

This, alone, has caused a bit of a riff between Vickie and Joel,” said Bell.

Victoria Osteen has repeatedly asked the Lord for guidance, but to no avail. Since the Osteens are non-denominational evangelists, they are considering possibly contacting the Catholic Church to see about holding an exorcism to get rid of the overly-critical ghost, whom Osteen has jokingly dubbed as her “own personal Banshee.”

Friday, June 29, 2012

Being on Steroids

Photo by mensatic, Morgue File
Being on steroids is like:

Normal…during a high-speed chase.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on helium.

Looking into a cracked mirror and still being able to see a whole face.

Being drunk in the middle of the night and calling every girl in your black book, only this time you actually speak coherently when asking for a blow job.

Cheese and crackers, cheese and crackers, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine
Cheese and crackers, cheese and crackers, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine

Working on a chain gang by yourself.

Being the shiniest ornament on the Christmas tree.

Wishing you had just a few more days of treatment so you could bang out that masterpiece you’ve been meaning to write before the end of the week.

Talking in texting.

Playing ping pong…alone.

Having George Thorogood’s song “Who Do You Love?” playing over and over in your head and when you finally try to switch, the only other song you can think of is Devo’s “Whip It.” And you can’t switch back.

Apples and oranges….swirling in a blender.

A caffeine high without the coffee.

Hang gliding…in space.

Oh crap, it’s 2 a.m.????

Eating marijuana brownies and washing them down with rocket fuel.

Sibling rivalry, and you’re an only child.

A three-martini lunch chased with a 5-hour energy shot.

A perfect excuse for everything you say or do. “Oh, did I just call you a bitch? So sorry, it’s the steroids talking.” “No, I didn’t mean to bite your face off. It must be those damn steroids.”

Wile E. Coyote after realizing there’s no more mesa.

Finally being able to appreciate the complexities of multiple personality disorder.

Crap, but a helluva lot better than not being on steroids.

Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder

UPDATE: 6-29-12 - We can only hope Rush keeps his promise. Sorry Costa Rica, he's your's now.

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:


Date: 2010-03-22, 9:33PM CDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on the promise he made to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law.

Top dollar will be paid for the best design submitted.

You build the catapult. We’ll take care of the logistics of getting Rush into the damn thing.

Job Posting: 1639419
Location: N Austin

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job! Show up in person with tools and plans ready to start building immediately.

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. This is a very specific job that may or may not require some degree of knowledge about rocket science.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Satan Tickled Pink over Havoc He’s Wreaking Worldwide

A psychic who claims to be able to follow the whereabouts and goings on of Satan says the Lord of the Underworld is tickled pink to be wreaking tremendous havoc upon the earth. However, the psychic warns that Beelzebub knows his time is coming to an end soon and is therefore stepping up his game before being cast into the bottomless pit.

Wanda Wicstein, 67, a psychic who tells fortunes in Cassadaga, Florida, claims she has been receiving messages from Satan ever since she was a little girl. She claims she is one of the very few psychics in the world who can even understand the ramblings of the most frenetic and diabolical Accuser.

“He’s quite a character,” she said, “and when I first came across him, he scared the bejeezus out of me,” said Wanda. “But for some unknown reason, he never turned his anger toward me. Instead, he allowed me to keep tabs on him. Possibly it’s his huge ego. Can’t be wreaking all that havoc and not getting any credit for it. Drives him up a wall,” she said smiling.

Wicstein says that when she first encountered Satan, he bragged incessantly about the evil he bestowed upon Adolph Hitler. “It was Holocaust this, and Holocaust that, like it was the best thing since sliced bread,” she said, rolling her eyes skyward.

Wicstein claims she’s watched Satan stumble a bit. “Most people don’t know how disappointed Satan is that the Donald didn’t make final cut for President of the United States, or how he’s tried but has not yet been able to accomplish a massive earthquake measuring at least 10.0 on the Richter scale.

“However, that doesn’t keep him from trying,” she said.

“At present,” says Wicstein,” Satan is quite proud of his ability to make men turn on each other in profound ways,” referring to the recent rash of drug-crazed, flesh eaters.

“The beastmaster almost didn’t release that act of depravity into our consciousness as he thought no one in their right minds would believe open cannibalism exists among civilized men.”

When it came to answering some of the hundreds of questions such as what Satan looks like, what he wears, what his favorite foods are, Wanda wasn’t really able to say.

“He speaks to me in my head,” she said. “He’s quite crafty. I’ve asked him repeatedly to show himself to me and allow me to draw him, but he always replies, ‘No, my little minion, I’m quite happy with the red face and horns your people have bestowed upon me. It’s a nice look.’”

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

“Penis Prologue” Heats Up War of the Sexes in Michigan

Was the reading as good for you as it was for me?
A hastily written script entitled the “Penis Prologue” is scheduled to be read by Michigan Speaker James Bolger on the Michigan State Capitol steps Friday before hundreds of male counter-protesters.  The reading is in response to Rep. Lisa Brown’s performance of the “Vagina Monologues” on Monday.

The insertion of the “Penis Prologue” into the Vagina debates comes at a time when male lawmakers are feeling particularly vulnerable and emasculated at the hands of their female counterparts.

“We, as a gender, are finding it harder and harder to maintain our power,” said Bolger upon readily accepting the challenge to read the “Penis Prologue” in its entirety.

Not yet complete, Bolger says the “Penis Prologue” is being written by some of the wittiest minds in the Republican speechwriting business.

“It won’t be that long, I can promise you that. Five, six minutes tops and we’ll be finished,” said Bolger.

“Oh, and it won’t have any of that long-drawn out ‘my penis can take over the world’ kinda stuff either."

While Bolger says he's not privy to all that will be in the Prologue, he could tell us this much.

"It will consist of only one act and FYI, we men have way better nicknames for our wangdangdoodles than the women.”

Asked to elaborate, Bolger would only divulge a few names, such as the ‘Dicktator’ and the ‘Lincoln Log.’

Rush Limbaugh has committed to being at the official reading and will be handing out cigars to the crowd once the act is finished.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Nationwide Bake Sales Expected to Make Millions for Obama Campaign

Organizers for the Obama camp are currently making plans to hold bake sales in cities all across America for the sole purpose of getting Obama re-elected.

The bake sales will take place in locations throughout America on various dates, the first one to be held on July 7. Ads have already begun appearing in local newspapers in an effort to alert supporters of the sweet treats they can look forward to purchasing for this most worthy cause.

Dozens of volunteers have been charged with the task of collecting and disseminating some of the best recipes in the country to assure the bake sales are a huge success. In fact, Sally McWorter of Worthington, Ohio was chosen lead organizer due to the distinction of being the top-earning bake sale hostess of the year in the state of Ohio.

Speaking at a local PTA meeting after learning she was chosen as lead organizer, Sally assured all involved that “this is going to be the mother of all bake sales. Folks who are fans of everything from snickerdoodles to home-made fudge are going to be amazed at the variety of goodies (referencing Mitt Romney’s word for chocolate donuts) we will have on sale at our tables.”

McWorter claims she has access to some of the top prize-winning recipes in the United States. She has no doubt the sales will break records.

“We are going to rake in millions, regardless of the fact that few bake sales in history have ever taken in anything more than a couple hundred dollars at any one given time,” she boasted.

Rumors swirling about the Romney camp are already pointing an accusatory finger at Obama’s supporters calling them nothing more than drug dealers in aprons. They believe that if, in fact, millions are expected to flow to the Obama camp by simply holding community bake sales, there must be something illegal going on.

Many seem to agree with this assumption. Since brownies are expected to be the number one seller at the sales, most everyone has concluded that the treats are sure to contain a “special ingredient.”

Plans are in place for Romney to run televised ads ahead of the bake sales warning folks ala “Woodstock” style not to eat the brownies. [For those too young to remember, one of the most famous lines at Woodstock was an announcement by a hippie known as Wavy Gravy warning concert goers to not take the brown acid.]*

The bake sale organizers are not denying the rumors and, in fact, are quick to point out that at some bake sales in states like California, Oregon and California that have medical marijuana laws in place, they expect to make a killing off of supporters who carry medical marijuana cards—hence, the million dollars in expected sales. It is rumored that buying one pot brownie could set you back as much as $30; $35 with nuts and frosting.

Meanwhile, Republicans say they aren’t threatened in the least about the upcoming bake sales. Said Romney supporter, Sheldon Adelson, “Hell, I like sweets just as much as the next guy, but all that nickel and dime crap is for the birds. I’d rather just write a check.”

*Of special note is the fact that the aforementioned hippie, Wavy Gravy actually shares the Romney name, having been born Hugh Nanton Romney. While W.G. Romney claims he is absolutely not related to Mitt Romney, it has been implied that unusual names like Willard Mitt Romney and Hugh Nanton Romney can only suggest that there is a familial connection, which, if true, could very well link Mitt Romney to one of the largest hippie communes in recent history. This related story is still in the development stage and will be reported on once all the facts are in.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Chemical Castration May Await Sandusky at Sentencing

An emergency sentencing guideline dealing with punishment for child predators is being pushed through the Pennsylvania Commission on Sentencing (PCS) today that would hopefully allow the Judge in the Sandusky trial to sentence him to chemical castration should he be convicted on charges of child sexual assault.

In a rare move, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has indicated that, although they believe chemical castration is, in most cases, considered cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, in Sandusky’s case, they would step back and allow the Commission to give the Judge the authority to order chemical castration at Sandusky’s sentencing hearing.

In fact, not one person who has knowledge of this special sentencing guideline--from the attorneys who are crafting it, to the officials in charge of maintaining Pennsylvania’s state sentencing guidelines--have any objections to seeing the law passed on an emergency basis.

If all goes according to plan, “Sandusky’s Sentence” will be ready to be handed down as soon as the jury convicts the ex-football coach of the crimes he is alleged to have committed, and it will be a model sentence for any other predators who are awaiting trial on similar charges.

A companion recommendation that Sandusky not be allowed to shower for the rest of his life was struck down, however, for being cruel and unusual punishment—not for Sandusky, but for his fellow inmates.

In related news, the Roman Catholic Diocese in Harrisburg, PA is seriously considering getting behind this latest sentencing guideline as it would save them millions of dollars in hush money over the long haul.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Romney Promises to Put Struggling Businesses Out of Their Misery

Speaking today before the Business Roundtable, a gathering of conservative CEO’s from around the country, Mitt Romney got a standing ovation when he promised to put struggling businesses out of their misery.

Not one to mince words, or to even have a clue what his words mean, Romney said that while he is pro-capitalism, he is very much against small businesses that don’t do their homework before opening shop.

“I understand there are folks out there who have become tired of working for us and dream of opening their own businesses and giving us a run for our money,” said Romney, “but I’ve got a message for you Mrs. Mom and Mr. Pop, ‘we can’t afford to find out if your hot dog stands are going to make you enough money to pay off that Small Business loan you applied for last year.’”

Romney claims small start-ups that don’t do their homework before opening their doors are just asking to be gobbled up by the larger concerns.

“Leave the business stuff to the big dogs,” said Romney, indicating it was not a pun directed at his earlier comments regarding hot dog stand owners. He got a few chuckles just the same from his rapt audience.

Romney claims his “Restructure and Release” Plan (RAR) involves large asset management and venture capitalist corporations doing what they do best, i.e. finding the “wounded and weakest animals of the business herd” and culling them before they go under. The better ones will, of course, be gobbled up by larger concerns.This, he says, will result in a leaner and meaner corporate America than has ever existed in recent memory.

“People have me all wrong,” he concluded. “If I didn’t care about America and the middle class, would I even bother trying to put these struggling businesses out of their misery?”

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ohio Allows Minors to Purchase Guns as Father’s Day Gifts

Ohio Governor John Kasich has signed a temporary executive order allowing children as young as ten-years old to purchase hunting rifles and ammunition for their fathers as gifts on Father’s Day. The program, dubbed “Shotgun Sunday” is part of a bid by Kasich to keep his constituents happy during these troubled political times.

“I thought to myself, how can I keep Ohioans happy so they’ll stop all their grumbling about impeachment? That’s when it hit me--give them more opportunities to buy guns,” said Kasich as he announced the new law at a gun show in Portsmouth, Ohio early last month.

Gun shop owners have been busy filling out the necessary forms that will allow them to sell firearms to minors for a short one-week period culminating in what some claim will be the best Father’s Day ever for Ohio dads.

“What better way to say ‘I love you, Dad’ than to present your father with a hunting rifle, some camouflage overalls and a box of ammunition,” said a Kasich spokesperson. 

Unfortunately, the largest seller of firearms in Ohio, Walmart, didn’t sign up for the program, and therefore, the kids who want to partake in this promotional sale will have to shell out a little more money at one of the higher end gun shops in the state. 

Uncle Sam’s Gun Emporium in Cincinnati, Ohio is having a BOGO sale all this week in honor of Father’s Day and says that, at times, there have been customers lining up around the corner to get in on the deal.

Timmy Wilkerson, 10, and his mother, Sue showed up first thing after Church this past Sunday to pick out a pair of father/son Remingtons he’s had his eye on for some time now. 

“Boy,” said Timmy, “this is just swell. While admitting he only had $3.75 in his piggy bank, which these days doesn’t buy a whole lot, Timmy said his mom was more than happy to pitch in a couple hundred more to help him make this Father’s Day very special for his dad.

Meanwhile, Governor Kasich claims that if this new temporary law is a hit, he’s got quite a few other ideas he’d like to try out his executive order privileges on, such as “Tax-Free Luxury Item Tuesdays” and “My Way or the Highway Budget Proposals,” especially now that Governor Scott Walker has paved the way for an anything-goes government model.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Walmart Finally Institutes Dress Code for Shoppers

After years of being the butt of jokes regarding the class of shoppers it attracts, Walmart executives have finally said enough is enough. Starting in July, Walmart will be instituting a new dress code for its shoppers and promises the code will be strictly enforced.

The retail giant is giving its customers fair warning that it’s not just no shirts and no shoes that will get them banned, but a whole host of other garments that it claims are not shopper-friendly.

A partial listing will be posted in the upcoming Walmart ads in plenty of time to assure that shoppers wanting to pick up their 4th of July provisions won’t be turned away without proper notice.

Based upon actual photos of Walmart shoppers that have been circulating on the internet in recent years, the newly formed Walmart Shopper Dress Code Committee is introducing these rules.

[Please bear in mind that the folks who make up the WSDCC have not been trained in socially acceptable communications and therefore, since time is of the essence, the list is being published pretty much verbatim before the Walmart Customer Relations Department has had a chance to review it]:

1.   No pajamas. We understand that many of our stores are open 24 hours a day, but that does not mean you can get up in the middle of the night, throw on a robe and slippers and come on down for some donuts and milk.

2.   Pants must be worn around the waist and underwear concealed underneath. That is why it is called underwear. This includes underdrawers, underpants, and undies. If you do not understand the meaning of under, we will be more than happy to explain it to you.

3.   Ladies, no bra tops. Men, no midriff tank tops. We get it. It’s summertime and it’s hot outside. We just don’t need you to make it any hotter, if you get our meaning.

4.   Moms, please put some pants on your babies before placing them in the baskets. Besides the ‘ewww’ factor, you (and they) will thank us years from now when pictures of them in drooping diapers aren’t pasted all over the internet.

5.   Ladies of the evening aka ‘working girls,’ we understand that like everyone else, ya gotta eat. We would appreciate it, however, if you could schedule your shopping well in advance of starting your ‘shifts.’ While the parochial schoolgirl look is hot on the streets, as are the leather mini-skirts and thigh high leggings, it’s not something we like to have parading up and down the aisles, especially when you need that jar of mayo which just happens to be on the bottom shelf.

6.   Cross-dressers. While we totally applaud your individuality, we ask only that if you are going to wear a dress, you please get a wax job and shave your beards. It’s not so much us as it is the kids you are scaring the living daylights out of, especially when you turn the corner and run smack dab into one on your way to getting that last lemon-pepper roasted chicken at the deli.

7.   Guys, please, wear a belt or suspenders. See #5, i.e. jar of mayo. The last thing anyone wants to see in a store filled with grocery items is someone’s butt crack. Seriously, we could have been more discreet on this rule, but honestly, if it is you we are talking about, you don’t even know what discreet means, so why bother?

And ladies, the same goes for you. If you can take the time to check your lipstick in the mirror, take a moment to see whether or not your thong is showing through your clothing. The bra strap thing with tank tops is pretty much a fashion statement now, but if you wouldn’t mind, could you at least wear a nice bra? Your frayed $5 Walgreen’s special that you’ve had since 1984 is frankly a fashion faux pas.

8.   It is no secret that Walmart carries a wide selection of beers, both domestic and imported, and we all know what beer does to the ole physique, right guys? While we take partial responsibility for your having developed some incredible beer bellies, we do not appreciate the fact that you still think you are a size medium in t-shirts. Walmart now carries a complete line of X-Large to Lardass t-shirts and in most cases, they cost a mere $2 more for the plus sizes. You can usually find them right next to the belts.

9.  To our plus-size ladies, we offer this piece of fashion advice: you do not look that great in bicycle shorts and tank tops when your butt is the size of a small pickup and your back boobs are as large as your front ones. Thanks to our incredibly talented buyers here at Walmart, we have a whole selection of plus-size clothing that will make you look slimmer and trimmer. Might we suggest you put back the economy-sized box of Twinkies and spend the extra money on extra-sized clothing.

10.Finally, if none of the above sinks in, we simply ask that you please dress as if you were going shopping at Target.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Mitt Romney Wants New Tour Bus Equipped with Gaydar

Latest in gaydar equipment (Electrosphynctometer
not shown)

According to reliable sources, Mitt Romney is about to get a brand new tour bus, as his old one is falling apart and starting to smell a bit inside from all the diner food he and his staff are obliged to eat in order to please his followers. 

The fact that Karl Rove has been aboard the bus numerous times hasn’t helped the matter.

“Going from gourmet to greasy spoon is not agreeing with Willard,” said Pamela Fardi, Romney’s appointment secretary. “And, well, a rather unpleasant smell seems to have permeated the upholstery in the bus. Quite frankly, the febreze just isn’t working anymore,” she added.

But new tour buses don’t come cheap, so Romney had to come up with something better than smelly seat cushions to get the Koch Brothers to spring for a new million dollar luxury coach with all the bells and whistles. 

“No hay problema,” said Romney in his best Mexican accent. “I just told them I need a bus that is equipped with gaydar. They hate the gays, you know, so naturally, I convinced them we need the latest technology, you know, that will help us steer clear of the homosexuals lying in wait to sabotage our campaign.”

Reporters caught up to Romney where he was shopping for his new ride, and caught the tail end of the conversation he was having with one of the interior designers, Rodriguo. 

“Uh huh, uh huh,” said Romney. “So, Rodriguo, does this gaydar work kind of like those fish finders we have on the yacht?”

“Oh, yes, Mr. Romney,” replied Rodriguo while marveling at the candidate's fit physique. “That’s exactly how gaydar works. Now, do you want the gaydar installed with or without the electrosphynctometer?”

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Scott Walker Signs Emergency Executive Order Outlawing Recall Elections

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has taken extraordinary steps to make sure there will be no recall election this coming Tuesday.

“By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Wisconsin,” began Walker from the steps of the Governor’s Mansion, “I hereby outlaw any recall elections during my term as Governor.”

Saying he felt no further explanation was necessary, Walker then sat down in a nearby shaded area of the gubernatorial garden and took pen in hand to sign the executive order which had been hastily put together overnight by a special group of attorneys hired by the Governor himself under the direction of the Wisconsin Attorney General.

Once the bill was signed, Walker asked the maid for a cup of coffee and some eggs, sunny-side up, and agreed to answer a few questions before he had his breakfast. However, since the only people in attendance were the attorneys who crafted the bill and a lone state press secretary, no one really bothered to ask Mr. Walker why he took such drastic measures to ensure his position as Governor.

To be fair, Governor Walker said this, “In all honesty, I felt like I’d had enough of this foolishness. For goodness sake, if a governor can sign executive orders calling for special elections, I see no reason why I can’t put a halt to one.”

Walker did say he understood there were going to be hurt feelings from the voters who will find out Monday that there won’t be a recall election after all, and in a rare moment of understanding, he offered this consolation.

“For those who still have jobs in this state, look on the bright side…you won’t have to ask for time off Tuesday to vote." For the others, he offered this.  "Maybe you won’t miss your favorite episode of Jerry Springer after all.”

And with that, he spread a dab of gooseberry jam on his croissant and called a close to the special signing ceremony.