Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

UPDATE: Seeing as Scott Walker is quickly becoming the Republican frontrunner in the 2016 Presidenetial elections, I thought sharing this little tidbit would be in order.

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7^th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5^th Grade.” 

Scott Walker Signs Emergency Executive Order Outlawing Recall Elections

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has taken extraordinary steps to make sure there will be no recall election this coming Tuesday.

“By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Wisconsin,” began Walker from the steps of the Governor’s Mansion, “I hereby outlaw any recall elections during my term as Governor.”

Saying he felt no further explanation was necessary, Walker then sat down in a nearby shaded area of the gubernatorial garden and took pen in hand to sign the executive order which had been hastily put together overnight by a special group of attorneys hired by the Governor himself under the direction of the Wisconsin Attorney General.

Once the bill was signed, Walker asked the maid for a cup of coffee and some eggs, sunny-side up, and agreed to answer a few questions before he had his breakfast. However, since the only people in attendance were the attorneys who crafted the bill and a lone state press secretary, no one really bothered to ask Mr. Walker why he took such drastic measures to ensure his position as Governor.

To be fair, Governor Walker said this, “In all honesty, I felt like I’d had enough of this foolishness. For goodness sake, if a governor can sign executive orders calling for special elections, I see no reason why I can’t put a halt to one.”

Walker did say he understood there were going to be hurt feelings from the voters who will find out Monday that there won’t be a recall election after all, and in a rare moment of understanding, he offered this consolation.

“For those who still have jobs in this state, look on the bright side…you won’t have to ask for time off Tuesday to vote." For the others, he offered this.  "Maybe you won’t miss your favorite episode of Jerry Springer after all.”

And with that, he spread a dab of gooseberry jam on his croissant and called a close to the special signing ceremony.

Governor Scott Walker Sells State Naming Rights to Wal-Mart

Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker makes no excuses for his heavy-handed push to privatize the entire state of Wisconsin while he is head honcho. His first big move, of course, was to get rid of collective bargaining for public workers in order to set the stage for big business to come in and set up shop in the education and public works departments, making the word ‘public’ a thing of the past.

Today, Scott Walker announced that he has brokered a multi-billion dollar deal with the largest discount retailer in the United States, Wal-Mart, allowing the retail giant to re-name the State of Wisconsin ‘New Wal-Mart.’

“Lest anyone have doubts about just how serious I am about switching from a public-run state to a privatized one, the re-naming of Wisconsin today to New Wal-Mart should pretty much seal the deal,” said Walker. “Henceforth and heretofore, make no mistake about it. New Wal-Mart is just the beginning.”

Asked if the residents of Wisconsin may become confused when going out to shop in their favorite store and not knowing if they are getting beef or pork, Walker responded “no, not at all. One obviously is a dinner item and the other is a legislative process.” In fact, Walker seemed a bit irritated that he had to answer such an inane question from a reporter working at the new state-run newspaper, the ATT Times-Picayune.

Unfortunately, said one political strategist, Walker’s very move to sell the naming rights of the state to Wal-Mart will almost certainly spell the immediate doom of the newly elected governor. “What Mr. Walker failed realize is that by selling off the State of Wisconsin to private concerns, his job as a public employee is now obsolete.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Charged with Contempt of Court

Dane County Circuit Judge, Maryann Sumi has issued a warrant for the arrest of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. The warrant charges Walker with contempt of court for disregarding Sumi’s order to hold off on publishing Walker’s anti-union bill.

Walker and other legislative leaders tried to circumvent the Judge’s ruling by having a state agency other than the Secretary of State publish the law. Once done, they ordered the law take place immediately and began to change the deductions taken from state workers’ paychecks.

Once Judge Sumi heard about their actions, she had the Wisconsin Attorney General issue a warrant for Walker’s arrest. “I don’t care if he is the [bleeping] governor of this state, he’s going down,” said a visibly angry Sumi.

Upon arrival in Dane County Jail, Walker was fingerprinted and booked under suspicion of directly ignoring a Judge’s order and handed a cold cheese sandwich and a 7-Up. “It’s the least we could do,” claims jailer Jack Nabem. “The poor guy looked so darned hungry.”

Scott Walker Spends Taxpayer Dollars to Defend Lawsuit

Non-Union Lawyers

In the beginning, the Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, said that in order to balance the budget, the State was going to have to do away with collective bargaining rights for some of its public workers, most notably, teachers. Thus began a battle that included an exodus of Democratic senators from the state in an effort to keep the bill from becoming law and daily protests by tens of thousands of citizens against Walker’s proposals.

When the Republican senate majority passed a bill last week that was hastily thrown together to separate the collective bargaining part of the budget bill, most thought that was the end of the fight.

But, late last week, a Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge issued a temporary restraining order effectively stopping the bill…for now.

Ironically, Walker now plans on spending taxpayer dollars from coffers he says are drying up because of the demands of the public workers for decent wages and benefits, to fight the ensuing lawsuit.

The only people who stand to profit from this fiscal fiasco in the long run will be the attorneys who are now firmly entrenched in litigation on both sides. In the end, it really isn’t just about money, in light of the fact that had attorneys not been brought into the fray, there very well would have been enough to fund teachers’ salaries and give a few tax breaks to the rich and probably enough left over to buy every citizen of Wisconsin a pound of its best cheddar.