Sunday, June 3, 2012

Scott Walker Signs Emergency Executive Order Outlawing Recall Elections

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has taken extraordinary steps to make sure there will be no recall election this coming Tuesday.

“By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Wisconsin,” began Walker from the steps of the Governor’s Mansion, “I hereby outlaw any recall elections during my term as Governor.”

Saying he felt no further explanation was necessary, Walker then sat down in a nearby shaded area of the gubernatorial garden and took pen in hand to sign the executive order which had been hastily put together overnight by a special group of attorneys hired by the Governor himself under the direction of the Wisconsin Attorney General.

Once the bill was signed, Walker asked the maid for a cup of coffee and some eggs, sunny-side up, and agreed to answer a few questions before he had his breakfast. However, since the only people in attendance were the attorneys who crafted the bill and a lone state press secretary, no one really bothered to ask Mr. Walker why he took such drastic measures to ensure his position as Governor.

To be fair, Governor Walker said this, “In all honesty, I felt like I’d had enough of this foolishness. For goodness sake, if a governor can sign executive orders calling for special elections, I see no reason why I can’t put a halt to one.”

Walker did say he understood there were going to be hurt feelings from the voters who will find out Monday that there won’t be a recall election after all, and in a rare moment of understanding, he offered this consolation.

“For those who still have jobs in this state, look on the bright side…you won’t have to ask for time off Tuesday to vote." For the others, he offered this.  "Maybe you won’t miss your favorite episode of Jerry Springer after all.”

And with that, he spread a dab of gooseberry jam on his croissant and called a close to the special signing ceremony.

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