Saturday, June 30, 2012

Victoria Osteen Receives Unsolicited Makeup Tips from Beyond Grave

HOUSTON, TX - Rumors are swirling that former evangelist, Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, now deceased, has broken through from the great beyond to, in one psychic’s explanation, “get a message quick to Victoria Osteen that she needs makeup tips and fast.”

Osteen, as you may or may not know, is the co-pastor at Lakewood Church along with her super-successful mega-church leading husband, Joel Osteen. Together, they have built one of the largest non-denominational Christian followings in the United States and are, therefore, quite frankly, mega-rich and mega-successful.

But there is obviously one person, albeit a dead person, who thinks that Victoria Osteen needs improvement in one area—makeup. Known mainly for her makeup and her love for the Lord, in that order, Tammy Faye Bakker came on the national scene as loving spouse of evangelical pastor Jim Bakker, original founder of the PTL (Praise the Lord) Club.

Said Jim Bakker eventually was accused of sexual misconduct and tax evasion and was in prison for a while, but Praise the Lord, he is back on television, once again soft-peddling his religious wares.

It now appears that Tammy Faye has resurfaced as well. A psychic by the name of Chris Ball from a Houston suburb has indicated that Osteen has contacted her to complain about an annoying presence that is haunting her regularly and seems to have a desperate need to “save” Osteen’s career before it is too late by offering makeup tips from beyond the grave. 

“Vickie will be down there at the Church backstage with her makeup artists and all of a sudden a certain tube of lipstick will fly off the makeup table, or water will appear in dry foundation,” said Ball. “The scariest incident happened a couple of weeks ago when the message ‘Remember, honey, waterproof mascara’ appeared in bright red lipstick on Osteen’s mirror.”

“It’s never really gotten much more physical than that, but the bulk of the nuisance comes directly from Bakker to Osteen’s subconscious. Vickie has told me she’ll channel messages like ‘It’s ok if they call you a clown honey, that extra rouge and extra-thick eyelashes will allow your followers way up in the rafters to see you just as clear as a bell,’ and ‘buy in bulk at the flea market.’”

Bell claims the messages don’t really rattle Osteen. She just finds them incredibly annoying. Especially when she has to sit through a long rambling explanation of just how badly Bakker was treated by her husband and that she was the brains behind the whole operation, which Osteen says has made her late more than once for her entrance onto the pulpit. “

This, alone, has caused a bit of a riff between Vickie and Joel,” said Bell.

Victoria Osteen has repeatedly asked the Lord for guidance, but to no avail. Since the Osteens are non-denominational evangelists, they are considering possibly contacting the Catholic Church to see about holding an exorcism to get rid of the overly-critical ghost, whom Osteen has jokingly dubbed as her “own personal Banshee.”


  1. Not that funny. Good try though.

  2. Thanks for the feedback Anonymous. It's hit and miss. Would love to see something you've written if you are a writer. Guess I'll just have to try harder. Check out some of my other stories if you want. They aren't all crap.


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