Romney Promises to Put Struggling Businesses Out of Their Misery

Speaking today before the Business Roundtable, a gathering of conservative CEO’s from around the country, Mitt Romney got a standing ovation when he promised to put struggling businesses out of their misery.

Not one to mince words, or to even have a clue what his words mean, Romney said that while he is pro-capitalism, he is very much against small businesses that don’t do their homework before opening shop.

“I understand there are folks out there who have become tired of working for us and dream of opening their own businesses and giving us a run for our money,” said Romney, “but I’ve got a message for you Mrs. Mom and Mr. Pop, ‘we can’t afford to find out if your hot dog stands are going to make you enough money to pay off that Small Business loan you applied for last year.’”

Romney claims small start-ups that don’t do their homework before opening their doors are just asking to be gobbled up by the larger concerns.

“Leave the business stuff to the big dogs,” said Romney, indicating it was not a pun directed at his earlier comments regarding hot dog stand owners. He got a few chuckles just the same from his rapt audience.

Romney claims his “Restructure and Release” Plan (RAR) involves large asset management and venture capitalist corporations doing what they do best, i.e. finding the “wounded and weakest animals of the business herd” and culling them before they go under. The better ones will, of course, be gobbled up by larger concerns.This, he says, will result in a leaner and meaner corporate America than has ever existed in recent memory.

“People have me all wrong,” he concluded. “If I didn’t care about America and the middle class, would I even bother trying to put these struggling businesses out of their misery?”