New York, NY – Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill.
Most people claim it is BP who should get their asses whupped, but Obama is cautious. “Whup Ass is expensive, people. You can’t just open up the can and take the chance that all the air will leak out before we’re able to unleash that whup ass power. We have to make sure of two things when using whup ass (1) that we know who the target is; and (2) when the right time comes, we open that can and kick some serious ass right then and there. With whup ass, there’s no margin for error.”
Most people don’t realize the down side of using whup ass. Sure, it is effective when used properly, but say you use whup ass on someone who has lots of lawyers armed to the hilt with legal precedent that say if you ruin their reputation for instance and it turns out you’re wrong about their involvement in the oil spill, well, you not only waste an expensive can of whup ass, but you end up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.
Said Obama, “make no mistake, America, I will find out whose ass to kick and when I do, I won’t hesitate to open my can of whup ass. And on the off chance that there is more than one ass to kick, I’ve already got the procurement office looking into the cost of purchasing several more cans of whup ass just in case.”