Thursday, February 14, 2013

Head Games: New High-Tech Gladiator Games Coming to Social Media

Writer Mike Kelly contributed to this story.

For those of you who find most of their free time being eaten up on social media, but miss the old days where gladiator-style competition reigned supreme, Zygma introduces a simple fix.

Now you and your online friends can spend hours facing off against each other in a multi-level game in which feelings will be hurt, relationships ruined, and if you're really lucky, actual blood spilled.

Many of you are likely already pros at this. Just skim down and find your psychological match and begin to play on Facebook, Twitter, your iPhone; heck, just about any place where human interaction is merely achieved by tapping in a few words and/or symbols.

On the off chance that you don’t even realize it is a game, don’t worry, we’ll remind you how psychologically damaged you are by awarding you big points every time you “lose” a Facebook friend.

Once you have found the character you most closely identify with, you may start the game at any time. The first one to win is the winner.

Introverticus - Hides all personal information from friends. Has had a Facebook page since 2009 but has never posted. His avatar is a bowl of oatmeal and his profile photo is a wallflower.

Extroverticus - Introverticus’ nemesis. Types in all caps even when posting cute pictures of puppies. Has yet to share one sentimental moment with his inferior friends due to the fact that he has none.

Neurosis - Must friend and unfriend people on a daily basis due to the fact that her feelings get hurt for no reason at all. Has never been able to post a comment without hitting the edit button at least two times.

Paranoius - Believes the feds are reading his posts. Posts false information about himself to “fool” the government. Must be a pothead to choose this character.

Narcissius - Main goal is to search out posts by “friends” who are having problems and pointing out to them that they are self-absorbed and need to get over it. You can tell when Narcissius has scored because she will post it several times on her page in case you missed it.

SmartAlecus - Only posts funny videos and memes. Incapable of posting comments that don’t have the words LOL or ROFLMAO in them. Has never posted a comment without a smiley face attached.

If you feel you cannot relate to any of the above characters, you can also use the "freeplay" option and create your own devious personality to use within the game. We do urge you to use caution if you choose this function since many who we are close to can turn into our worst nightmares at the flick of a switch. And Facebook doesn’t allow do-overs.

Whatever you decide, you will find this game not only fills in your free time, but it also starts to impact your other daily activities. You will be able to demonstrate your skill levels by missing appointments, becoming increasingly introverted, and finally through the loss of your very own job!

The ultimate goal, however, is to be able to play this game at work and NOT lose your job. If you achieve this level, you may choose the name “Indispensable” and receive a gajillion extra points. You will also become the Facebook Gladiator of the Week, wherein you’ll receive a free pass to yell “In Yo’ Face” at your boss when he discovers what you’ve been doing with your time for the past two years.

Only one person has attained “Indispensable” status, and she claims the only downside is having to regularly sleep with her gin-soaked boss in order to stay in the game.

This game is currently available for all Apple devices through a free download from the Appstore. An Android version will be available as soon as we hire replacement development staff to replace those employees who found the game everything that we said it would be.

Good luck Gladiators. Let the head games begin.

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