Thursday, February 28, 2013

Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church members will be staying in Topeka, Kansas this Sunday to stage what they are calling their most important protest to date. They are going to be protesting themselves.

A statement issued by Westboro leader, Fred Phelps claims that the congregation is running out of funds to protest funerals across America, and the church is therefore re-thinking their strategy. In addition, he claims they came to the conclusion that “the gay thing” might be hitting a little too close to home, but would not elaborate.

The revelation came after much soul searching during a late-night, last minute meeting in the church basement. Elders had originally come together to determine which funeral they would be protesting this weekend when they realized they only had $73 and change in the church coffers, a far cry from the $2,500 they would need for a planned trip to a funeral in San Francisco.

Not wanting to let attention on the church wane, the elders finally came up with a solution to the problem by organizing a protest against themselves, which the treasurer figured would only cost around $30, if they stuck to serving a baloney and Kool-aid lunch to the protesters. It was Phelps himself who decided this was their only solution to the money problem.

“The theme of our protest is God H8s Westboro,” said Phelps.

“By hating ourselves and denying our presence, we are, in actuality, making our boldest statement so far against gays.”

Phelps would not elaborate further on this statement, leading some to believe recent rumors may be true that Phelps himself enjoys the occasional naked swim at the YMCA with male members of his group.

One member of the church has refused to join in the protest saying it goes way beyond what he signed up for, and, in addition, would not confirm that he is a member of the Topeka YMCA.

Buddy Phelps, Fred’s cousin, claims that he is always ready to bash the gays and the USA whenever asked, but bashing himself is another story.

“I’ve already got low self-esteem issues, not to mention an ongoing problem with depression, and my psychiatrist is gently prodding me to abstain from this particular protest on Sunday,” said Buddy Phelps.

Upon hearing his cousin’s words, Fred Phelps assured the news media that there is not now, nor has there ever been any prodding within his fold. He did, however, agree that abstinence was okay in certain circumstances.

Other local Topeka religious leaders are weighing in on the news of the protest. One particularly vocal leader claims the protest is a very good thing and long overdue.

“The protest is almost Zen-like in its premise,” claims Punja Makwari, a Tibetan Buddhist leader of the Kansas Buddhist Center, who has come out several times to announce services of peace and healing following each of Westboro’s hateful protests.

“By allowing themselves to admit that God hates them, they are, in fact, allowing God to come into their hearts to do whatever is necessary to allow them to see that there are balances in life and that fish swim in the same stream as the mighty hippopotamus.”

Makwari was asked if he felt any animosity toward Phelps particularly since Phelps once held a protest in front of Makwari’s religious center a few months ago to protest the color saffron as gay.

“We have spent much spiritual energy counteracting the hatred spewed from this particular religious group, and quite frankly, we are pleased to have a day off to attend to more pressing matters such as world peace,” said the high holy leader, refusing to elaborate further on the color saffron.

No one is expected to show up to protest the protest on Sunday, which will be another first for the Westboro Baptist Church. Many memorial services for fallen soldiers instead will be held across the country to take advantage of the fact that Phelps will be too self-absorbed in his own personal gay bashing to attend any protests of the services held outside Topeka.

In related news, rumors that Westboro is saving its pennies to plan a huge protest for Pope Benedict as soon as he passes are largely unsubstantiated.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Pot and Bongo Fest Expected to Draw Huge Crowds

The First Annual Pot and Bongo Fest scheduled to be held this year is expected to draw huge crowds from all over the world.

“Since this is the first festival in the country featuring legalized marijuana, we can’t put a figure on attendance, but assume it will become one of the most popular festivals in America’s history,” said Bud Harkins, one of the key organizers of the festival affectionately nicknamed “Pongo.”

Harkins claims the festival was the brainchild of his father, Capt. John “Feelgood” Harkins, head of Har-Grow Marijuana Fields in Oregon. 

“My father had a dream that one day marijuana would be freely used all over the world, and this festival is a tribute to Capt. Feelgood,” said proud son Bud, who says his father passed away a year ago in a freak tractor accident. It just so happens the festival is scheduled to run on the anniversary of his death.

Not only will marijuana from the Har-Grow farms be freely flowing, but attendees will have a chance to enjoy many foods laced with the versatile herb, including marijuana ice cream, pot brownies, apple pot tarts, and more.

Musical guests headlining the event include Roger Waters and David Gilmour of Pink Floyd, reuniting once again on stage, as well as Donovan (Mellow Yellow), the Beach Boys, and the Four Tops and Temptations, who will announce a super special guest sometime in the near future. 

It is also rumored that actor Matthew McConaughey will join Todd Rundgren on Sunday for a special rendition of Bang the Drum All Day. Participants are encouraged to bring their own bongos and join in the fun. They are hoping to break a world record for most bongos played in one place.

Rainbow Kitchen Commune will provide some yummy vegetarian treats at no cost. You are encouraged to wear your tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottom blue jeans, and flowers in your hair for one of the best parties this side of Woodstock.

So mark your calendars and buy your tickets early because they are expected to sell out at a record pace.

Harkins wants to remind everyone that the Pot and Bongo Fest is not a smoke-free zone, as long as the smoke is herbal.

Security will be taken care of by the Hell’s Angels.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Russian Meteor Actually a Vintage VW Bus

Simulation of Actual Flaming Space Junk

In an experiment that went horribly awry, a piece of space junk fell out of the sky this week and was mistakenly identified as a meteor. It was confirmed that the object that streaked across a part of Russia, causing over 1,000 injuries, mostly from shattered glass, was in fact a vintage VW Bus traveling at approximately 40,000 mph. The fireballs falling from the object were anything from ball bearings to side mirrors as the vehicle hurtled toward earth.

Officials from NASA admitted that the VW Bus was part of an experiment known as “Catapult Orbit” wherein ordinary objects from earth were transported to the International Space Station and periodically launched into space to see if, and more importantly how long, they could remain in orbit around the earth. 

“The VW bus got away from us somehow,” claims Capt. Jim Reed, commander in charge of the Catapult Orbit program. 

“We began launching small objects in 2007, and have been increasing them in size right up to the time we launched the VW Bus,” said Reed. “We had such huge success with various kitchen appliances, that we were certain a large vehicle would not become a problem.”

Reed claims there is an Amana refrigerator, Kenmore washer and dryer stackable unit, and a 1960s curio cabinet orbiting Earth at this very moment, among other things. He claims that there is a bowling ball in orbit that has occasionally been mistaken for a tiny speck on Jupiter’s surface when viewed through a high-powered telescope.

“Let us assure you,” he said. “None of the aforementioned items are at risk of falling to earth.”

Capt. Reed did say, however, that because of this latest embarrassment, not to mention actual injuries due to the VW Bus crashing through Earth’s atmosphere, plans to catapult a double-wide Fleetwood trailer into orbit will be put on hold.

“If a VW Bus can do this much damage, image the trash a trailer might produce if it accidently veered off orbit,” he said.

In a related statement, makers of VW vehicles claim the artificial meteor proves once and for all the concept of Fahrvergn├╝gen, which, loosely translated means ‘bump on the noggin from far away.’

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Head Games: New High-Tech Gladiator Games Coming to Social Media

Writer Mike Kelly contributed to this story.

For those of you who find most of their free time being eaten up on social media, but miss the old days where gladiator-style competition reigned supreme, Zygma introduces a simple fix.

Now you and your online friends can spend hours facing off against each other in a multi-level game in which feelings will be hurt, relationships ruined, and if you're really lucky, actual blood spilled.

Many of you are likely already pros at this. Just skim down and find your psychological match and begin to play on Facebook, Twitter, your iPhone; heck, just about any place where human interaction is merely achieved by tapping in a few words and/or symbols.

On the off chance that you don’t even realize it is a game, don’t worry, we’ll remind you how psychologically damaged you are by awarding you big points every time you “lose” a Facebook friend.

Once you have found the character you most closely identify with, you may start the game at any time. The first one to win is the winner.

Introverticus - Hides all personal information from friends. Has had a Facebook page since 2009 but has never posted. His avatar is a bowl of oatmeal and his profile photo is a wallflower.

Extroverticus - Introverticus’ nemesis. Types in all caps even when posting cute pictures of puppies. Has yet to share one sentimental moment with his inferior friends due to the fact that he has none.

Neurosis - Must friend and unfriend people on a daily basis due to the fact that her feelings get hurt for no reason at all. Has never been able to post a comment without hitting the edit button at least two times.

Paranoius - Believes the feds are reading his posts. Posts false information about himself to “fool” the government. Must be a pothead to choose this character.

Narcissius - Main goal is to search out posts by “friends” who are having problems and pointing out to them that they are self-absorbed and need to get over it. You can tell when Narcissius has scored because she will post it several times on her page in case you missed it.

SmartAlecus - Only posts funny videos and memes. Incapable of posting comments that don’t have the words LOL or ROFLMAO in them. Has never posted a comment without a smiley face attached.

If you feel you cannot relate to any of the above characters, you can also use the "freeplay" option and create your own devious personality to use within the game. We do urge you to use caution if you choose this function since many who we are close to can turn into our worst nightmares at the flick of a switch. And Facebook doesn’t allow do-overs.

Whatever you decide, you will find this game not only fills in your free time, but it also starts to impact your other daily activities. You will be able to demonstrate your skill levels by missing appointments, becoming increasingly introverted, and finally through the loss of your very own job!

The ultimate goal, however, is to be able to play this game at work and NOT lose your job. If you achieve this level, you may choose the name “Indispensable” and receive a gajillion extra points. You will also become the Facebook Gladiator of the Week, wherein you’ll receive a free pass to yell “In Yo’ Face” at your boss when he discovers what you’ve been doing with your time for the past two years.

Only one person has attained “Indispensable” status, and she claims the only downside is having to regularly sleep with her gin-soaked boss in order to stay in the game.

This game is currently available for all Apple devices through a free download from the Appstore. An Android version will be available as soon as we hire replacement development staff to replace those employees who found the game everything that we said it would be.

Good luck Gladiators. Let the head games begin.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Kids Say the Darndest Things: I Know from Personal Experience

Where's My Damn Eggs?

My mom always told me I was about the only person she knew who could step in a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose. Every time I found myself in a fix thinking there would be no way out this time, sure enough, something good would come out of it, and all my worrying would be for naught.

The other thing about me was and still is the fact that you never have to wonder what I’m thinking. I’ll usually offer up my opinion whether you want it or not. So this story I am about to tell pretty much combines the two facts about me—that I’ve always been kinda blessed and that I’ve always been very outspoken. Anyone who knows me and is reading this is probably laughing and nodding in agreement at this very moment.

I was about three or four years old. I had an older sister and a younger brother at the time. My family liked to go away for the weekend, take long drives, stay someplace overnight, and come back the next day. This particular trip, my grandma was traveling with us, as were a couple other family members, my mom, dad, sister and brother.

I don’t know where we went, but we were stopped at an Aunt Jemima Pancake House for breakfast. Aunt Jemima is still around today as a brand of syrup, but back then it was akin to an International Pancake House. Pancakes were their specialty.

I guess I didn’t much care for pancakes when I was young because while everyone else was ordering pancakes, I ordered eggs, sunny side up, bacon, and toast and jelly. I know this because I’ve always liked to dip my toast into the egg; was, and still is my favorite way to eat eggs.

We were all sitting around the table waiting on our food, and finally the waitress came with bunches of plates of pancakes. Everyone got their breakfast, that is, everyone but me. I watched as each of the plates of pancakes was delivered, wondering where the heck my eggs were. I was pretty little, so I was in a booster chair, but I was old enough to realize that I’d been stiffed one plate of eggs and bacon, and I was none too happy about it. Oh, one other thing about me that is true to this day, I don’t like waiting for my food.

As I watched the waitress plunk down the final plate of pancakes, something inside me must have snapped because, as the story has been told, I called the waitress over to me and asked “Where’s my Goddamn eggs?”

Yep, a toddler, and I was already demanding my rights--with the mouth of a trucker. As the story goes, everyone just stopped what they were doing. My father looked mortified, as did my mother. No one said a word. They were in a stupor.

Of course, as with most family stories, the only way I remember this happening is through the telling of the tale over and over again, and I’m sure it picked up many new details over the years, but I am pretty sure that even back then, I knew as soon as the words came out of my mouth that I was going to get a whoopin’ and good. A funny thing happened though--remember, I was somewhat blessed.

My grandma, the matriarch at the table, started laughing first. Once she got a good belly laugh out of it, everyone else started laughing, and I guess the more they laughed, the madder I got, which made them laugh even harder. In fact, they were having such a good time recalling the waitress’ face when I cursed at her, that they forgot all about punishing me for my potty mouth.

Like I said, I am the only person my mother knew who could step in crap and come out smelling like a rose. The truth is none of them touched their pancakes until my eggs came. They had already witnessed my ire once, and being part Irish, I’m not sure they wanted to hear me cuss anyone else out. I can’t remember ever cursing like that again as a child, though. I was smart enough to know when to quit on a high note.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Nothing, Really, Except...

I found this very interesting...
I was Googling the name ISaidLaugh,Dammit and came up with a Pinterest page with the same name...
The person who owns the page is Jessica Beckett. My name is Patti Beckert...Parallel Universe almost, just a bit off.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Burt Reynolds Post

As most of you who know me, know that I am not a mean-spirited person, and I take writing satire very seriously. While my story on Burt Reynolds only got one negative comment, it was enough to make me re-think posting this about someone I do not personally know.

If Burt Reynolds reads my blog (that was satire), I'd like to apologize for making fun of the poor way his plastic surgeons have treated him and wish him the best for the rest of his life. I would only urge him to not worry so much about what's on the outside because from what I've seen, he really is a pretty nice guy. And to make it up to Burt, I'll show a picture that no one should have a problem with.

Promise I will try very very hard never again to go after nice guys.

P. Beckert

Ed Note: Re-posting this to wish Burt Reynolds a speedy and complete recovery.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Woman Claims It Is What It Is Wasn’t What It Was

A New Jersey woman has brought charges against a local yoga instructor for misleading her into believing a simple saying could solve most of her life problems.

In her complaint, Marilyn Johnson, a hairdresser from Hoboken, claims that Karma, aka Karen Smith, a yoga instructor, had repeatedly told her “it is what it is” whenever she would ask Karma about her various problems, whether at work or at home. 

Johnson says this phrase led her (Johnson) to make decisions she normally would not make such as leaving her husband and having an affair with a younger man, leaving restaurants without paying, and taking other immoral or sometimes illegal actions. She believes this led to a breakdown of her moral code and an erosion of her conscience.

“At first, the concept of ‘it is what it is’ was extremely liberating to me,” said Johnson outside the courtroom after filing her complaint. 

“When my husband would complain to me that we were out of his favorite cereal, I would come back with ‘it is what it is’ and he would just get up and go to work without breakfast. But as I felt more and more comfortable with the power wielded by those words, I began to use them to allow me to break rules such as the decision to have an affair,” said Johnson.

Johnson claims that when her husband found out about the affair, she told him “it is what it is.”

“That is when he left me,” said Johnson. “I hadn’t realized until then that it really wasn’t what it was, even though I had been led to believe so by Karma.”

When Johnson lost her job for changing a blonde to a brunette by mistake and then offering up the wise saying ‘it is what it is’ to the customer’s complaints of negligence, that is when the hairdresser ‘got a clue’ that the ancient phrase attributed to Rumi, a 13th Century Sufi writer may not be the best way to address problems in her life.

“It definitely is not what it is,” said Johnson as she got in her car to leave the courthouse. 

When contacted to comment on the suit, Karma simply replied “Que sera sera.”