Sunday, December 6, 2009

Popular Food Network Hosts Arrested

New York, NY – The set of the Food Network’s annual “Ho-Ho-Home for the Holidays Christmas Spectacular” looked like a war zone Thursday with eggs, flour, heavy whipping cream and blood spattered everywhere. New York’s finest were called to the set after several attempts by the camera crew to get the hosts of the show to simmer down were met with more violence.

Several popular hosts of the Food Network were asked to come into the kitchens and cook up their favorite holiday dishes for the show. Among the hosts were Guy Fooleri of “Dinners, Drippins and Deepfryers” fame, Anthony “Tony” Bourbon of the hit show “Free Meal,” Paula Deepsouth, host of several southern cooking shows on the channel, the unnaturally perky, Rachel Sunshine, host of her own cooking shows as well as a syndicated talk show, and of course, “Man Eats Himself to Death” favorite, Adam Portman.

One cameraman, who was focused on Guy Fooleri at the grill making his famous double slider corn dog hash browns on toast with roasted chipotle salsa, told us “I’m filming Guy, when all of a sudden, up comes Tony Bourbon with the biggest rubber spatula I ever saw and whacks Guy upside the head yelling ‘You stupid son-of a freakin’ Fry Daddy. It’s a fu*king Christmas show for chrissake. Cook some fu*king sugar plums or something!’ That scared the living crap out of Guy, who then swung around with his own king-size spatula and hit Bourbon right in the mouth. The two ended up rolling on the floor right next to where Paula Deepsouth was getting ready to plate her special holiday dish.”

Another crew member ran over to Deepsouth, trying to push her from in front of the camera and away from the brawling cooks. “Oh mah good sweet dear Lord of Mercy, I swear those nawthern boys are gonna be the death of me. They done ruint mah glorious double banana and rhubarb upside-down loaded stuffed French toast for the last tahm, ” she said with her usual southern aplomb while trying to stay within the view of the camera, and without missing a beat, picked up a bowl of ice cold whipping cream and threw it on top of the both of them to cool them off. Bourbon swore he was gonna kick some southern butt next. “Sweet Paula’s gonna get a taste of a New Jersey knuckle sandwich for her Christmas meal,” yelled Bourbon.

The fight escalating, Rachel Sunshine dialed 911, but couldn’t convince the operator it was a true emergency until Sunshine yelled, “they’re beating the crap out of each other! How cool is that?” The operator asked Sunshine to stay on the line until officers arrived and while waiting, asked for a simple dish she (the operator) could make for her family the night before Christmas in about 30 minutes.

By the time the police arrived, the kitchen was in shambles and Tony Bourbon was furiously trying to get maraschino cherry juice stains off his $3,000 Tony Lama leather boots, muttering under his breath about the dumbasses that call themselves cooks on the show. “Cherry juice, for chrissakes, the stupid dumbass cooks on the show are using fake fu*king cherries, and the fu*king juice has to land on my leather boots. Someone’s gonna pay.”

As Bourbon and Fooleri were led away in handcuffs, Portman offered to clean up and was last seen licking the remnants of the whipped cream and cherries off the floor within the few minutes remaining, while Bourbon’s lovely pork belly pomegranate holiday soufflé continued to bake in a 400 degree slightly moist oven.

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