New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping.
No one knows for sure why Beck was on the highway. Doctors speculate that he may have been sleep walking and just decided to take a stroll along this most beautiful stretch of highway. Said Doctor Schmorgen, “it really is quite a lovely stretch of road near where Mr. Beck lives and it makes sense that he might want to get out there occasionally and experience nature, seeing as he’s cooped up inside a television and/or radio studio for so many hours in the day. The trees alone are just gorgeous this time of year. Mr. Beck is quite privileged to live in such a divine place.”
But when Beck himself was asked the reason why he was wandering along that stretch of highway at 2 a.m., he gave this account, “I was in my study, studying my script for the next show and suddenly this epiphany hit me. I realized that although I was becoming all things to all people, I just couldn’t handle the enormity of the situation. I mean, here I am, this joe schmoe from kokomo giving all kinds of advice to people, getting them riled up, trying to simmer them down, knowing that they are not only hanging on my every word but actually acting out according to what I tell them, kinda like Jesus giving his sermons and everyone doing as he said, and I just lost it.”
“I realized that I, me, Glenn Beck, the freakin’ most watched guy on television, was responsible for about 80% of what is wrong in America right now. The division, the hatred, the outward distrust of our President, are all things that I had stirred up.”
“That guy that flew that airplane into that building in Austin, he was 80% Glenn Beck in thinking. That guy who threw dollar bills at some poor schmuck on the ground with Parkinsons Disease telling him to get a job, that was 80% me throwing that money. Where were the good works of people who were listening to me? I realized there weren’t any.”
In a tortured voice, he continued, “I can’t tell you from that point on how my clothes came off, but I do remember thinking, I gotta get outta this skin, outta this lousy skin, this body that’s making me do these terrible things, and for what? The almighty dollar?
I hurried and got all my stocks and bonds, my available cash, my bank books, all our credit cards, even my gold stashes and I tried to burn every darned one of them and become like Buddha, understanding my suffering. Then I went for a walk, beating myself up and telling myself that tomorrow was going to be different and I was going to ask everyone to go back to a life of non-violence and try to get along with each other because I knew, that I, Glenn Beck, would be the only voice of reason that these people would listen to. I remember thinking, I live in New Canaan and that must be somewhere near Zion where I can give a great sermon, and that is, I guess, when I just started walking toward Mecca. Man, I musta just really cracked up, huh?”
Beck is resting comfortably with Roger Ailes by his side seeing to it that he is fully medicated so that once he regains his senses he can continue his life’s work on the Fox News network at least until his contract runs out.
His wife, meanwhile, is highly pissed that the shopping trip she had planned for this weekend in Beverly Hills will have to wait until new credit cards and checks can be issued. “Mr. Ego can just sit in that hospital and stew on this awhile,” she was reported as saying. “He wants to mess with people’s lives, let him, but he better damn well not affect my life like this again or it’s hasta I’m outta here, baby.”