Thursday, January 21, 2010

All White-All American Sports Venues Outlaw Ethnic Snacks

With the advent of all white, American-only teams in the near future, many sports venues have followed suit by removing any snacks that originated in any country other than America. That means, hamburgers, originally from Hamburg, Germany and hot dogs, or frankfurters, originally from Frankfurt, Germany, will no longer be served. Nachos, a Mexican treat, and, of course, pizza, an Italian staple, will also not find their way onto the snack menu.

French fries, no explanation needed there, and funnel cakes are considered foreign as well. Although the latter is thought to be an original treat from Pennsylvania, upon closer look it is actually Pennsylvania Dutch. Under the new rules, even snacks that are partially from America will not be considered for the menu.

The new menu changes have a few fans bewildered. In the case of the funnel cake deletion, one fan had this to say “what the hell do I care? I don’t think a sissy snack like funnel cake belongs on the menu at a sporting event anyways.”

So what does that leave? Well, there’s always peanuts, cracker jacks, potato chips, Coke and beer, albeit only American-made brews like Budweiser and Miller will be served. If you want Heineken or Corona, you’ll have to smuggle it into the park. Oh, and there will still be Buffalo wings, but you’ll have to forego the Bleu cheese dressing (French) and the carrot and celery sticks unless it can be proven that the veggies have been grown in American soil. And the ever popular Philly Cheesesteak can stay, provided it is made with American and not provolone or mozzarella cheese.

But don’t fret, rumor has it that the sandwich they plan on switching out for the hot dog is American as apple pie. Yep, you guessed it, Spam and American cheese on White Bread will be on the menu of every white venue across the land. The “Spamerican” sandwich, while wholly inedible, is expected to sell like hot cakes, which is ok because we’re pretty sure that hot cakes aren’t foreign either.

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