Joan Rivers Brings Honey Boo Boo to Tears over Tutu

The show Fashion Police starring Joan Rivers caught heat over the weekend for a segment thought to be over the top even for Rivers.

Special guest Honey Boo Boo appeared on the show to model her latest tutu and was having a great time, especially meeting her idol, Kelly Osborne, when all of a sudden Rivers shouted, “Get that round little human fart off my show!”

At first, everyone thought Rivers had simply commented on the cuteness of the tutu, but when no one paid any attention to Rivers and continued watching Honey Boo Boo twirl aimlessly around the stage, smiling and waving to the crowd, Rivers became enflamed.

“I said get the hell off my stage you creepy little fart!” said Rivers as she rushed toward the little redneck princess.

Stage hands had to pull Joan away from Honey Boo Boo, who, by this time was sitting in the middle of the stage crying dramatically for her mama. “Oh mama, mama, where for art thou mama?” she cried.

“Oh great,” screamed Rivers, “now she’s Juliet? Get her outta here or I’ll show her the ending of the play alright.”

Rivers was taken back stage and given oxygen while Honey Boo Boo and the clan were rushed away in a limo. 

The last thing heard from Rivers was “What the hell is going on in show business these days? Reality my ass,” as she collected herself to go back on her show for the next segment entitled “Starlet or Steetwalker?”

Psychiatrist Offering Free Therapy Sessions for Romney Voters

A Pennsylvania psychiatrist is seeing a pattern emerging among older voters in his state who, even after all the signs that Mitt Romney is definitely not prepared to become the next President of the United States, still plan on voting for the man.

Joseph von Hertenshperger of Philadelphia claims that three of his patients have admitted they are voting for Mitt Romney, but are upset with themselves as they all say they don’t have the faintest idea why.

“I know he is greedy, he doesn’t have my best interests in mind, and if I vote for him, I can say adios to my Medicare benefits, but yet, I’m oddly drawn to the man’s words,” said George Patton, who was told by his doctor that it was okay to talk to us about this anomaly among voters.

Dr. Hertenshperger interjected.

“I have not fully determined what it is that makes these men (all three of the patients are males in their 80s and veterans of WWII) think that Mitt Romney is the better choice for President.”

What is extremely troubling is that after each of the guys watch Romney make another inane statement on the campaign trail, these guys are that much more determined that he must be our President,” said Hertenshperger, who admits there may be hundreds more like these men out there who have yet to be identified not only in Pennsylvania but in other key voting states as well.

The good doctor is just now conferring with a few of his colleagues to try and figure out if the patients’ early signs of Alzheimer’s disease have anything to do with their distorted thinking.

Hertenshperger says that he and the other doctors are offering all the men free therapy sessions until such time as they are either cured or they lose interest in this obsession with electing Romney as President.

“I never thought I’d be saying this,” said Dr. Hertenshperger, “but honestly, the Republican mandate that everyone voting must have a photo ID is a smart idea at least when it comes to these guys. They all lost their drivers licenses years ago, which will prevent Romney from getting at least three votes that I know of in this state.”

Rush Limbaugh Says Al Gore Not to Blame for His Shrinkage

Rush Limbaugh was unusually candid this week regarding the size of his penis.

“They tell me it has something to do with Al Gore and his climate change crap, but I’m not buying it,” says Limbaugh.

“To be frank, I think it is all those Lesbinos who are weirding me out,” he said, taking a moment to clear his throat and light another over-sized cigar.

While Limbaugh says it would give him great pleasure (no pun intended) to blame the size of his penis on Al Gore, the truth of the matter is, this one time, Gore has nothing to do with it.

“It ain’t global warming,” said Limbaugh. “It ain’t the image of Al Gore naked on a massage table either,” said Limbaugh, intimating that that image has sometimes actually aroused him from time-to-time.

Meanwhile, it was reported that several of Limbaugh’s former male assistants have already filed a class action lawsuit against Limbaugh based on their own claims that being required to work in a smoke-filled environment for years has caused each of their male members to shrink by over 10%. They have hired a female attorney to represent them (some say to make sure that throughout the trial, they can maintain proof of their evidence).