Ted Nugent Flies into Rage over Romney Gaffe

Ted Nugent blasted the Republican Party’s nominee for President today calling him a sorry-ass excuse for a Confederate leader after hearing Romney pronounce his name wrong several times at a fundraising event.

“It’s the Nuge, the Nuge…THA NOOOOOGE” screamed Nugent at a big-screen television he was watching at one of his favorite watering holes in Texas. “There’s no “D” in Nuge. I’m not a fuc*ing nudge, you freakin’ moron,” he continued his tirade.

With that, the Nuge, or Uncle Ted as he likes to be called when in his other polar state, got out his cell phone and speed-dialed Romney to give him a lesson in pronunciation.

He was overheard saying “Ok, yeah, yeah, nice to speak to you too turd brain. Now listen…What? No I said turd brain. It’s not raining here. I didn’t call about the weather.” (pause).

Nugent continued “If I wanted a fuc*ing weather report from fu*king whoknowswhereman, I’d have asked for one. Now look you dimwitted dinkwad, I just want to…no, Willard freakin’ Scott, it ain’t snowing here either…”

And then, “Let me talk to the little lady…thanks…Hi, Ann?” said Nugent into the phone. “Listen tell that dim bulb husband of yours to stop calling me the Nudge, you got it? This is the tenth time this week I’ve had to call him. It’s a little excessive, don’t you think?” (pause, listening)

“Ok Ann, I understand, sorry to have bothered you,” and with that Ted hung up and turned to his bar mates, “She thinks I call too much…that I ask for too many favors, and, if you can fu*king believe it, wants me to stop bringing my guns to the dinner parties.”

With that, the Nuge finished his beer and walked into the night mumbling “What is this fu*king world coming to?”

In somewhat related news, Dick Cheney was caught calling Romney last week on his cell phone while waiting for dinner at his favorite exotic meat restaurant, The Serengeti Warehouse.

“Hi Ann, is Mitt there? (pause) Hi Mitt…doin’ good, doin’ good. Pretty much back to my old self…Hey, listen, buddy, by any chance you got some free time to go bird hunting with me this month?”

Oklahoma Woman Arrested for Cooking Hash; Ted Nugent Talks Turkey

Be Vewwy Quiet. I'm huntin' turkeys...

NORMAN, Okla. – A perfect storm of a misread new law on the books, an already stressed-to-the-max police team, and a whole lot of miscommunication sent a Norman, Oklahoma housewife to jail this weekend on charges of cooking hash.

Glaycie Mae Herndon was booked into the Cleveland County Jail Friday night on suspicion of converting marijuana into hashish.

Cleveland County Jail spokesperson, Darcy Wilkins said that Mrs. Herndon was brought in after police responded to a neighbor’s call reporting someone cooking hash and “almost burning the neighborhood down.”

When police arrived, Glaycie Mae was in the kitchen trying to put a fire out on the stove.

“My hash. My turkey hash is a burnin,” cried Glaycie Mae as officers rushed to put out the fire.

“It smelt bad,” said Officer John Dingle, “real bad.  So naturally, when we heard Turkish hash, we automatically arrested Miss Glaycie Mae and took her down to the jail.”

Just this past week, the Oklahoma Senate passed a bill that will send anyone to jail for life if found guilty of converting marijuana to hash. The city has been on high alert ever since, and the police officers involved say they were just doing their job.

“Little did we know Ms. Herdon, who incidentally was a little fried herself, was cooking turkey hash for her family when the whole skillet went up in flames,” said Dingle.

Upon her release from jail, Glaycie Mae was asked to give her side of the story. “I weren’t even using no pot,” she said. “I was using my old iron skillet like I always do.”

Turkeys were all over the news last week.

In a somewhat related news item, Ted Nugent has provided a statement to the press indicating how his meeting with the Secret Service on Thursday went. 

Nugent had been accused of using some rather strong language against President Obama at last weekend’s annual NRA meeting in St. Louis, Missouri, and the Secret Service wanted a chance to ask him about his comments.

Upon leaving the meeting, Nugent had this to say: “It’s all cool--just a big old misunderstanding. When I told my fellow Republicans to ‘ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off' in November, I was talking about a turkey shoot I was planning just before Thanksgiving," said Nugent. 

"It had nothing whatsoever to do with any violence directed toward our political enemies.”