Geneticist Synthetically Recreates Stephen Hawking’s DNA

A well-known geneticist has created DNA identical to that of Stephen Hawking, and claims that when injected into specially prepared bacteria cells, the synthetic organism will be capable of building a time machine.

Said the scientist, “This is the first in a series of designer organism that, when procreated, will be capable of doing all sorts of amazing things--things that yet have only been dreamt about in Jules Verne novels and Leonardo da Vinci sketches.”

When asked to expound on that statement, the jubilant scientist exclaimed “the sky is no longer the limit, the universe is no longer the limit, God is definitely no longer the limit, and well, I’m not sure that even infinity times infinity times infinity is the limit, but I think it may be somewhere around there that you can stop thinking of limits.” No one understood what he was talking about but they were excited as hell.

The mad (not in an emotional sense) scientist put it more in layman’s terms. “Remember the first Star Wars movie? Remember the bar scene and all those incredible creatures that came out of the imagination of George Lucas? Well, we can now create each and every one of them just like that only to make sure they fit into society, we’ll give them the “human” gene and “English language” gene, so they won’t go around killing people and will talk just like everyone else. This is especially important if they want to live in Arizona.”

He continued. “Imagine the wonder and awe when your child asks for a pet and they get something that looks like a cross between a billy goat, a giant tortoise and a gorilla, only it will behave as gentle as a kitten.”

Asked if there might be a more practical application for his discovery, the scientist answered, “well, yeah, if you wanna get all boring on me and stuff, I guess you could say that this discovery will allow us to create some designer microorganisms that may come in handy in fighting certain diseases, but that’s not exactly the reason I did this. I just wanted to see if life forms like those in George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s heads really could exist on this planet.”

And what about Stephen Hawking, he was asked. “Oh that. I just created that organism to get people’s tongues wagging. The Star Wars thing is what’s really gonna put me on the fast track to success.

Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking’s basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot’s wife from Biblical times.

“It was unbelievable,” said one constable. “I mean, Lot’s wife, blimey, that’s almost the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.” But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There was also a piece of papyrus with some writing on it which historians believe may be the actual scribblings of Noah as he was taking his instructions from God to build the Ark. In fact, there were so many artifacts that police were carrying boxes and boxes of items away from Hawking’s home.

A crude wooden coffin with the remains of a woman wearing an aviator cap, leather jacket and trousers was also removed from the home. A forensics specialist on the scene almost fell over. “I’m not 100% positive, but I do believe these could be the remains of Amelia Earhart.” The find had everyone speechless.

The artifacts were sifted through and contained everything from ancient Mayan calendars to the complete works of Nostradamus and Galileo. One other particularly gratifying find was a complete section of the basement devoted to Al Capone. Yes, Geraldo, there were many, many artifacts in Al Capone’s Vault, but it seems someone had gotten to it first.

Police questioned Hawking as to where he could have possibly gotten all these artifacts unless he was part of a historical theft ring. It is during the questioning that the most amazing piece of evidence was finally discovered. Stephen Hawking actually had a time machine built and had gone back in time dozens of times and, in fact, in the times he went back before the time he was stricken with motor neurone disease at the age of 21, he actually could walk, talk and function without the aid of a wheelchair.

Asked why he didn’t come forward with this information earlier, he stated “come on, really, who would have believed me? I tried telling a few friends, but they all scoffed at me, so I just kept the information to myself. At first I just went back to get a look at the original Bible writings and bring back an urn or two, but then I realized, I could get some really remarkable things. From there, I guess it just got out of hand. By the time I had the proof I needed that time travel exists, I was in too deep. I knew I’d be arrested for historical theft, not to mention the historical ramifications of some of my finds. It was all too dreadfully complicated.”

Investigators were seen on Hawking’s front lawn dazed and confused. With the items confiscated in the raid, scientists say history, as we know it, will be thrown out and re-written. Among the findings was the original birth certificate of President Barack Obama.