Sunday, February 23, 2014

Is New Age All It's Cracked Up to Be?

Ok, so I'm taking my husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it's Wayne Dyer discussing his book "The Power of Intention."

I'm hooked, so I listen after I drop the husband off. On the way to a department store, and while Dyer is talking, I'm telling myself, "I've got to turn my negatives into positives. I'll start right away." So when I get to the store, I say a quick meditation in the car that I'll have a positive shopping experience, which, for the most part I did.

To make sure the Universe was taking note, I even picked up stray clothing on the floor and put it back on the rack. The best part was taking a pair of 13 Junior jeans into the dressing room and having enough room left over that I could have bought an 11. The new me was undeterred when I couldn't find an 11 and ended up settling on the size 13.

From the little bit I learned from Wayne Dyer from the time I dropped my husband off to the time I made it to the department store, (roughly fifteen minutes of the 'new me') I'm thinking the Universe could have rewarded me by finding me an 11, but I cut it some slack seeing as I didn't want to upset the apple cart over anything so trivial as a pair of jeans. 

Instead, I turned that negative into a positive by telling myself I can now have that piece of cake that has been staring at me from the fridge for the past two days. So far so good. Maybe I was getting the hang of it after all.

Ok, so then I decided to make my way over to the supermarket and get stuff for dinner. 

Well, folks, either the affirmations I did in the parking lot didn't take, or the Universe is just not ready for me to be a happy soul, because on my way to the store, a woman cut me off in traffic and then waved me off...thus the first FU from my mouth..."oops...calm down," I tell myself.

"You are sending too much negative energy your way."

Calmly, I made my way to the store, bought my groceries, and was wheeling the cart to my car when another woman in a huge truck almost backed right into me--yup, inches from death, I scream out "WTF? You almost hit me you crazy ...mffmph..." I tried (honest I did) to stuff the words back into my mouth without much success.

I'm not sure how, but my new-found enlightenment was taking an ugly turn for the worse. When I got home, I started dinner. Not only did I burn the potatoes, but the asparagus as well, as I went online to write this story before I 'lost it' forever. I'm sorry, but what good is the Universe if it doesn't send gentle reminders my way that my food is about to catch fire?

Bottom line...I'm not sure Dr. Dyer is living in the same world as me. I can try all I want, but something keeps jumping in front of me and begging me to curse at it. WTF? Dyer? WTF?

Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Fight Against Breast Cancer is Turning into a Circus

The Fight Against Breast Cancer is Turning into a Circus

Ed Note: I didn't take this article nearly far enough. At the end, you will see links to some of the silliest ways I've found to fight breast cancer, from pink beer to a man wearing a pink tutu. I am not making this up and urge you to see for yourself why I've become so fed up with the whole "pink" barrage.

Ok, I've officially seen it all. Well, that may be an exaggeration. I'm sure there are plenty more "save the breasts" campaigns I've not seen yet. I thought the shirts worn by men saying "I Fight Breast Cancer for my Mom," and "Real Men Wear Breast Cancer T-Shirts," were the topper, but no. My eyes have again rolled back into my head, and this time I was totally unprepared.

I ordered some seeds from a famous seed company last year, I won't mention the name because, quite frankly, their seeds didn't produce what they said they would, but that is a story for another day. Anyway, I'm on their mailing list (for life I assume whether I want it or not) and was thumbing through it when I saw, yep, pink pumpkin seeds.

They (I am assuming and I think I can back this up with some research) are genetically modified hybrid pumpkins bred to appear pink on the outside. They were specifically developed for sale to fight breast cancer. Ok, good cause and all, but come on people, last I heard, GMOs aren't good for you. Uhm, I hear they cause cancer. There is research to back up the claim that GMO corn causes tumors in rats.

 Does anyone besides me see a distinct juxtaposition here?

But I digress. My main point is this...aren't we going a bit nuts over pink? Pink is everywhere. Women's breasts are everywhere. We can't go to one store without getting assaulted (I'll come back to that word later) with at least 3 or more messages about breast cancer awareness and the amazing thing is that officially, Breast Cancer Awareness Month was almost 5 months ago--in October!

Sure, the marketing is as good or better than that of the Duck Dynasty clan. Again, you can go to any store at any time and see at least three and usually three dozen different marketing items from that show that is somehow hanging on by a thread despite the fact that the patriarch is a bigoted, gay-hating redneck.

And, as if that wasn't enough, I have found, and I am not making this up, a breast cancer awareness t-shirt that has the image of the men from Duck Dynasty wearing pink hunting camo outfits with the words "Real Men Wear Pink" emblazoned on it, and the Duck Dynasty logo somewhere thereabouts as well. Best marketing plan in the business meet the uhm best marketing plan in the business. A convergence of sorts. So where can this lead us?

Assuming the Duck Dynasty people and the Breast Cancer awareness folks are using the same marketing people, I am wondering what do we have to look forward to next? Pink camo AK-47 assault rifles? Oops, spoke too soon. They are online and available as we speak. Partial proceeds of sales to go to breast cancer awareness and/or research. I fear pink duck-hunting rifles cannot be far behind emblazoned with "I [Heart] Boobies" and "Duck Dynasty Men Shoot With their Pinkies," or something to that effect. The possibilities--as has been proven by these two marketing campaigns--are endless.

Unfortunately, folks, I don't think we've seen the last of this.

Just in case you haven't had enough of the "pink" barrage, I suggest putting a pink pumpkin on your porch for Halloween. And remember, if you forget, you can always buy the seeds, grow them yourself, and have pink pumpkins all over the place for Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, and, of course, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which, due to the fact that there are too many events to fit into just one month, has officially been re-named National Breast Cancer Awareness Year.

Come on, people. There are lots of other cancers out there that are worthy of your time and money. Prostate cancer kills nearly 30,000 men a year, and in the year 2014, almost 250,000 new cases of prostate cancer will be diagnosed. In no way am I trying to take away anything from the breast cancer folks, but it's time to come up with new colors for other cancers and fight them with the same marketing madness that the "Pinks" have shown as being so amazingly successful. Obviously, no marketing campaign is 100% effective until all cancers are completely wiped out in our lifetime. - man in pink tutu - Breast Cancer Awareness Truck and Tractor Pull


Disease Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

I [Heart] Boobies bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn’t be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer. And now, there are two other bracelets that are creating a stir on high school campuses.

“I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Pee-Pee” bracelets for guys and “I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Wee-Wee” bracelets for girls are actually being banned in many schools across America. The golden latex wrist bracelets were introduced into schools last week by a non-profit group who claims they are doing everything they can to bring to light the upsurge of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) among teens.

School nurse professional, Indi Nile, a spokesperson for the group known as “Healthy Ha-Pee Wee Wees” says that the wrist bracelets are quite popular and high school students should be allowed to wear them to remind everyone how important safe sex is.

“It’s not just about teen pregnancy,” claims Nile.

“Sexually active Teenagers need to know that if they are going to have sex, they better practice safe sex to avoid the spread of disease.”

Nile blames much of the controversy on parents who are just too embarrassed to talk to their kids about such things.

“If we send home literature that has the words vagina, penis and condoms in it, the parents go ballistic saying their children should not be exposed to those grown-up words. So we said ok, let’s take it down a notch. That’s when we came up with pee-pees and wee-wees to describe the male and female sex organs."

Nile hopes that eventually parents and teachers alike will understand the importance of driving home the safe sex message no matter how silly that message is. Until then, I [Heart] Ha-Pee Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee bracelets will suffer the same fate as condoms in high schools. Too embarrassing to talk about, let alone giving them out free to promote safe sex.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Cheljabinsk superbolide and meteorites/Svend Buhl
Chelyabinsk, Russia - Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question "are we alone in the universe?"

The scientists who first discovered the writings, which they are calling space hieroglyphics, say it could be nothing more than etchings from space debris that have mysteriously formed into some type of language. However, until a cryptologist can take a look at the rock and determine if there is any rhyme or reason to the markings, Russian officials are calling the find unremarkable.

If Russian President, Vladimir Putin has his way, however, we may never know what this rock says. Putin has agreed to have the rock, said to be about the size of a Russian wrestler's fist, blasted to bits and pieces of it given to the winners of gold medals in the Olympics. The scientific community as a whole was aghast at such a proposition given the enormity of such a find.

Said Putin when asked if he would truly endanger the survival of such a message from space for a few lousy space nuggets, he replied simply "da." 

As in da Vinci, perhaps?

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Mysterious Young Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don't even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Because of this, she cannot be fully questioned about where she came from or what she is doing so far from home. Her answers thus far have been shrouded in mystique.

People who have come to see her can only say that her predictions for the future are scarier than hell, at least their interpretations of her predictions are. For instance, those visiting one morning last month, heard her utter a prophesy directed toward the wealthy. Many fell to the ground in anguish as she spoke these words,

"Not so much as a penny will befall the laden ox, as your possessions you'll carry in a box."

One woman, Marie Claire, claims this prediction was particularly troubling for her as her rich Aunt Marie, after which she was named, lay ill in a hospital bed. Upon her death, Ms. Claire stood to inherit more than $3.5 million dollars.

"I don't want the money," Ms. Claire began chanting at the foot of the Oracle. "I don't want the money." But, when questioned further, outside the range of the Oracle, Ms. Claire admitted that she already had the money spent in her mind.

"Sure, I'm gonna take the inheritance. Are you kidding me? I was just, you know, covering all my bases."

Most people have heard about the Oracle of Delphi, who existed many centuries ago in Greece, but no one person since has come close in comparison to that phenomenon, until now.

Scaramantha, or Scary Sherry, as the locals have begun calling her, is anything but scary looking. In fact, she is a beautiful young woman who appears to be around the age of 20-22, has flowing black hair, and a pierced nose. Local men like to speculate she has more piercings that are unseen, but the one piercing is all that is visible to the public.

But beware, Scaramantha knows all and sees all, according to anyone who has come within close range of her. One man uttered his fantasies about her while visiting with his buddies after a night of drinking, and was found face down in a puddle of sausage gravy and biscuits at the local diner. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Since then, no one even speaks her name out loud, let alone fantasize about her.

Investigators of the paranormal have begun to show up at the site where Scaramantha sits to determine if she is the real deal. However, her ability to spot the skeptics is uncanny. According to one woman, who agreed to talk to reporters anonymously claims that one group of paranormal experts showed up at the site only to find that all their equipment to film and record the prophesies suddenly stopped working for no reason, and they were left to record the event with nothing more than a pen and paper. Unfortunately, they had neither and were forced to return home empty handed.

Just as the Oracles of earlier times, Scaramantha will most likely not be taken seriously, and for that reason, people believe she will eventually give up and go home. As one local put it,

"You've seen one doomsday prophet, you've seen them all."

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Vladimir Putin Wins First Gold Medal of the Olympics

Vladimir Putin (middle) competing in the 5-man, 3-horse
pole vault event at the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow.
Russian President Vladimir Putin, well-known around the world for his affinity for winning at all costs, won the very first gold medal of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, and, of course, the first gold medal for Mother Russia.

Putin had originally planned to sit the Olympics out, but when he saw that his fellow Russians weren't doing well in one competition, the one-man luge, ice dance, snowball shot put triathlon, he decided to declare himself a team member, grabbed a Snickers bar, and handily won the event. Putin finished in record time, while earning a 9.8 from the judges on the dance portion of the competition. He threw the shot put just shy of a world record to finish first in the event, which he says he only trained two days for.

Spectators were moved to tears as Putin danced to a special arrangement of Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

In addition, it was reported that Putin, unhappy with the luge sled designed by Russian engineers, went online prior to the games and bought a red Turbosquid luge sled, emblazoned with the nickname Pootie-Poot, a name given him by former US President, George W. Bush.

Speaking in his native tongue through an interpreter, Putin had this to say:

"I knew Russia didn't stand a chance in this competition, and I wanted desperately to make sure we won a gold medal, and we did. Was it hard? Oh yes, but I knew if anyone could do it, it was I (or me?). I'm not sure."

Putin, shirtless, and wearing double-insulated snow pants, bit into his gold medal to make sure it was real, and then gave a congratulatory wave of the hand to the winners of the silver and bronze medals while simultaneously showing them his biceps.

Later, when asked what inspired him to achieve such lofty goals, Putin simply said "my special parts are important to me and I want to show them off."

The translator, the same person who was hired to translate the entire Nelson Mandela Memorial Ceremony earlier this year, left the Olympic arena before realizing he didn't speak Russian.

Rumors are circulating that the particular event Putin and the other competitors competed in is not a real event, but one made up by Putin to show off his shot putting, ice dancing, and sledding prowess. When confronted with their concerns, Putin threatened to pull Russia out of the competition.

To clarify further, the President threatened not only to pull Russian competitors out of the Olympics, but to also move the Olympics to another country altogether.

Obviously, the Olympic Committee members decided to let the gold medal stand, and so far, this is the only gold medal the Russians have won. Putin has announced that he is considering entering other competitions to make sure the Russians win the most medals of the Olympics, but he would not give any further information on this.

Last seen, President Putin was perched atop the men's downhill snowboard track, his dog, Koni, a black Lab, between his feet, and practicing for the man/man's best friend, downhill slalom, borscht cook-off race scheduled for next Tuesday.

Some may remember President Putin from the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow, where he won a now infamous pole vault event where he leaped 20 feet into the air from atop a horse to win the 5-man, 3-horse pole vault event. He won not only the gold for that event, but revived the name Vlad the Impaler, for embedding the pole vault so deeply in the ground, it appears as a monument to his strength to this day.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Woody Allen--A (Inappropriate) Touching Story

Woody Allen's adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, finally came out in the open, to the world, about the abuse she suffered at the hand of her adopted father, Woody Allen. This is my reaction.

I can't remember the last time I saw a Woody Allen movie. Maybe in the 80s? I don't know why, but the luster wore away from one of two things, either he wasn't funny anymore, or well, just that. I didn't find his films as entertaining as I once did. Or maybe it was about the time the news hit that he had been cheating on his wife (common law), Mia Farrow, with his step-daughter, Soon-Yi Previn. I remember how sickened I felt.

Although I can't really say I've ever held Allen out to be one of my idols, I did think his early movies were hilarious, and I would rent them from time to time to get a "dose of Allen" when I needed it.  I won't mention the titles of the movies, any of them, because that would detract from what I have to say.

Saturday's New York Times ran an open letter by Allen's adopted daughter, then Dylan Farrow. In it, she pours out a story few have heard, many have refused to hear, and probably many knew and refused to say they knew. That she had been sexually assaulted as a little girl.

She gave the reason for writing the article now because she said that after hearing that her father accepted the Lifetime Achievement Award at the annual Golden Globes last month, she couldn't let the truth be jammed behind the curtains any longer (my words, not hers). That she was tired of everyone giving this man praise while she re-lives the ugly things Allen did to her as a little girl, telling her it was "their secret." The fact they even chose to honor this man in spite of his sordid personal affairs, is testament to how much money holds sway over morals and decency in this world.

What is particularly haunting about this is that I can imagine the man saying that line, "it's our little secret..." as if he were in one of his movies. I can't, or won't, imagine him as a predator, as I find the act of child abuse and child molestation such a terrible crime, I can't imagine it from any angle. And, according to his adopted daughter, Woody Allen committed a crime. I have no reason to doubt her, especially since her own brother, Ronan, another Allen adoptee, won't even go near his "father" because of the Soon-Yi marriage.

I'll keep this short. Bottom line is that the Connecticut Prosecutor came out after the letter ran and said he couldn't prosecute Allen, then, or now. Then, because he said he didn't have enough evidence, and now, because it is too late.

So another child predator is loose because of the old "he said-she said" glitch. Woody Allen says it never happened, or that his daughter was too young to know the  difference between fatherly love and abuse. He even went to far as to say again on Sunday that he found the revelation disgusting. Hell, who knows. Again, he said, she said. But my money is riding on Dylan.

What troubles me even more, is this. Like every good plot in a movie, there is a twist...

Allen, along with his wife, Soon-Yi have two daughters. How utterly convenient for this closet rapist. This ugly piece of filth (so much for being non-judgmental) that got away with ruining a young girl's life, got two more opportunities, and how many untold more, what with sleep-overs, birthday parties. A predator's work is never done.

This is the second case this week that I've seen how money can corrupt judgment, especially in the case of caring for young children, young children whose only crime was being adopted or born into a family with a damaged adult and unlimited wealth.

I wasn't there so I'm going to have to go with my gut on this one and say that it did happen. And because of that gut feeling, I promise never to see another Woody Allen movie in my lifetime because of this. If the allegations are true, and I have no reason to believe that they aren't, then we all should at least do something to show this woman that we hear her and we are on her side. Show her she didn't do anything wrong, but everything right, especially coming out against a big name like Woody Allen.

Next time you even consider seeing one of Allen's movies, think that possibly that money you are spending is going into his pocket and helping him pay hush money to those around him to keep him out of jail.

Maybe, by law, it is too late to prosecute Woody Allen, but it can never be too late to try him for his actions in the court of public opinion. Obviously, his receiving his latest award shows that not enough of us spoke up the first time and for that, I truly apologize to all the Allen children.

And to Dylan. I'm sorry that this happened to you. If nothing else, your "father" got one thing right. You are a good girl, and he, a very, very bad man.