Sunday, November 29, 2009

John Boehner Changes Last Name to BAY-ner

Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) held a press conference last week to announce that he has started the process within the Ohio State court system to officially change his family name from Boehner (pronounced Boner) to BAY-ner (what he says is the correct pronunciation of his last name according to his official website). Boehner has tried unsuccessfully his entire career to convince his constituents and others that the correct pronunciation of his name is BAY-ner; however, that pronunciation has just not caught on.

Tired of the hang up calls left on his congressional office voice mail asking for Mr. Boner, Rep. Boehner was forced to take action. “Look, I’ll tell you what this is really about,” he said. “I have every intention of running for President in 2012, and I think that with people mispronouncing my name as Mr. Boner, I will not be able to demand the respect and serious consideration I will need while running a presidential campaign.”

The press conference was cut short due to uncontrollable laughter.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Lloyd's of London Insures Adam Lambert's Crotch for $1 Million

Los Angeles, CA – Lloyd’s of London (Lloyd’s), perhaps best known for its unusual insurance policies on various body parts of the rich and famous, including Tina Turner’s legs, Celine Dion’s vocal chords, and burlesque stripper, Tempest Storm’s breasts, has just announced that it has contracted with singer Adam Lambert to insure Lambert’s crotch for $1 Million Dollars.

A spokesperson for Lloyd’s would not discuss the specifics of the policy other than to state that this policy will help to ensure the safety of Lambert’s privates while he is forced to simulate sex acts on stage.

Asked why he decided to take out this insurance policy, Lambert stated that he and his handlers realized the very real risk of Lambert overshooting his thrust into another dancer’s face, and thereby causing permanent bruising to his member. In addition, they have been advised by Lambert’s doctors that excessive thrusting can eventually lead to penile arthritis, a very painful permanent condition.

Trying not to get too personal, Lambert was asked what precautions, if any, he is taking to assure that his crotch will have a long and successful career in show business. A smiling Lambert responded, “You bet I’m protecting this asset,” he said while grabbing his crotch. “This fella is getting me way more recognition than my voice ever did. I will be having special cups designed to match my outfits. I can’t give out too much information, but suffice it to say, there will be spikes and studs galore.”

A spokesperson from Lloyd’s added, those special cups, together with this insurance policy, will give Adam the peace of mind he needs to just go out on stage and give it his all, no more holding back like at the American Music Awards Show.”

When asked why he wasn’t insuring his lips also, as they will be used as well in the simulated sex acts, Lambert replied, “Actually, we did insure my lips and my tongue, but for a lot less money. I think each one is only insured for the minimum star coverage of $100,000 each. I’ll be using the crotch a lot more than the mouth, so it was decided that at this point in time, there was no reason to over-insure those parts.” He added, laughing, “don’t want to end up insurance poor, you know.”

Friday, November 27, 2009

Obama Unveils Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan

Washington, D.C. - Americans are being asked to team up and pool their resources to further stem the tide of inflation and allow everyone a better chance of getting back on their feet. President Obama, over the weekend, issued a statement regarding his “Buddy Breaks” initiative.

“Think of it as the ‘Big Brother/Big Sister approach’ to ending poverty,” said President Obama from the Oval office just minutes before holding a press conference on the White House lawn late in the day yesterday.

When asked how it would work, Michelle Obama took the opportunity to explain. “We Americans, as a people, are strong and independent. However, sometimes we need a little extra to get us through. What Barack has put together is a comprehensive plan whereby every single American who is out of work will be teamed with an American who has a great-paying job and has money in the bank. The poor American will be able to live slightly better than he did, while the well-off American can do with less. It’s a win/win situation.”

Immediately hands went up from reporters, with the main question being “what about your critics who say that you are already running a Socialist government? Do you really want to hold hands with the Big Brother/Big Sister concept?” With his usual calm demeanor, President Obama answered their questions with questions. “Do you honestly think I care what my critics have to say? If I do not acknowledge Fox News, does it not cease to exist?”

Wha? Michelle picked up where she left off. “Look, people, did you not hear the ‘tough economic times’ part of this speech? We believe this is the perfect opportunity to help more than one group of people come out of it with at least some dignity intact. Here’s what we propose. First of all, there are single folks who may already have one strike against them by being not that desirable looking, but may also have the added stigma of being out of work. Then there is the hunk or model-type person who is riding high on a wave of just landing their first six-figure job because, let’s face it, pretty people get the best jobs. Anyway, let’s team them up, homely girl, handsome guy, who knows, love may blossom, it may not, but at any rate, the girl gets to live in a penthouse and the guy, well, he’s got the satisfaction of knowing he’s helping his country climb back to the top.”

“Let me interrupt, Michelle,” chimed in the President. “We are not saying that anyone is sub-perior, we just know that in this country there still exist some personal prejudices and if the government can step in to help tide some of those prejudices and make a lot of lives happier in the process, we’re happy to do so. This is not only for young folks. We see a large percentage of ‘pairings’ between hale and hardy working adults, male and female, buddying up with retired folks who have lost most of their savings due to the recent financial downturn. Not only will the older folks have someone bringing in the money on a regular basis, but, if they play their cards right, may even get a sponge bath or two in the deal. It all depends on who you are buddied with.”

One reporter asked, “Excuse me, Mr. President, but are you saying that these people will not know who they are being paired with?” The President answered, “Well, Connie, we haven’t ironed all the bugs out of this proposal yet, but what we do know is this, anyone who voluntarily agrees to team up with an opposite can have their choice AND will get a nice $250 bonus check in the mail. For those who do not go along with the program, they are going to have to take their chances as to whom they are teamed with. Now, let me say this. This only applies to the good citizens who make from nothing to $250,000. Anyone making over $250,000 a year, will be exempt from the program. They can join voluntarily, but we don’t anticipate too many of them doing that. And there are safeguards built in for those thinking of quitting their high-paying jobs to be able to buddy up with someone who prefers to work. Those folks will be penalized for not going along with the spirit of the Big Brother/Big Sister program.”

“What about couples and families?” asked one reporter. Michelle answered, “Again, we haven’t thought this entirely through yet, so we are just going to see how the pilot program works. We anticipate that if say “poor homely Mary” is paired with “rich, successful, handsome Rick,” and Mary’s family has fallen on hard times, then we may have a provision in the plan to siphon some of Rick’s monthly salary to the family to keep them afloat. Of course, Rick will then get to deduct this expense from his taxes at the end of the year and if it exceeds his personal exemption, may mean that he will get a nice refund check from the IRS in the spring. Nice surprise.”

When asked how much he anticipates the Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan will cost U.S. taxpayers, President Obama replied “Actually, the only cost to the American taxpayers will be for administrative costs and bonus initiatives, including tax refunds. We have a ballpark figure of $10 billion dollars, but again, it depends on how quickly we can get folks teamed up. We’re looking to get the first batch teamed by spring and we’ll see how it goes from there.”

At that, the lovely Mr. and Mrs. Obama thanked everyone for coming, turned, and walked arm-in-arm back into the White House.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Palin’s Book “Going Rogue” Recalled

HarperCollins has recalled all copies of Sarah Palin’s Book, “Going Rogue” and has agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who wants it. According to a late-breaking press release, the title of the book is missing an extra word and no one caught it until now. The correct title of the book is “Going Rogue Hunting.”

A spokesperson for HarperCollins has indicated that this is one of the largest recalls ever in the publishing industry and agrees that “sometimes, just one misplaced or omitted word can really make a difference.”

HarperCollins expects to have corrected copies of the book ready for distribution within the next two weeks, and is offering an additional incentive to book owners to return the defective copies by offering a second book free, Glenn Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book.”

Monday, November 23, 2009

Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay
Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.”

So, what does any rich, spoiled dysfunctional daughter of one of the largest whackjobs on T.V. today do? You guessed it, she waited until daddy was passed out on the living room couch--after swigging his nightly cocktail of Nyquil Nighttime Cold and Flu So He Can Sleep Better After Peddling His Personal Brand of Hate on National T.V. Remedy on the rocks—grabbed some sterile gauze, and collected as much of his drool as she could to sell on E-bay, figuring it would at least garner a down payment on her first year’s tuition.

What happened next was a total shock. “Not only did I make enough off Daddy’s drool to pay for my first and second year of tuition at Columbia, but I also had a little left over to buy a cool tie-dyed t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Daddy is gonna have a freakin’ cow!” she said with a smirk.

Just what kind of person would have that kind of money to spend on something as gross, not to mention potentially dangerous, as Glenn Beck’s drool? Evidently, it was scooped up by a little-known group calling themselves the “Take Back America’s Genes Society” or TBAGS, who have been secretly paying for samples of bodily fluids and other potential sources of DNA from some of the most prominent conservatives in the country.

One spokeswoman, who did not want to be identified, was absolutely glowing over their newest addition to the TBAGS DNA bank. “Glenn Beck, this is incredible. We’ve been trying for years to get a DNA sample on this guy. You’d think with his long list of brushes with the law back in the days of his drinking and drug use, that someone would have kept a sample of his urine or hair. Even with his most recent hospitalization, we weren’t able to convince one hospital employee to hand over a hair or fingernail sample.” Then his daughter just offers it up on E-Bay. What a coup!”

In addition to Beck’s drool, TBAGS records indicate that their other samples include a toenail from Karl Rove, tissue samples from Dick Cheney after undergoing removal of flags under both arms, and nose hair from Rush Limbaugh. When asked if they plan on trying to obtain any DNA samples from Sarah Palin, the answer was a resounding “No!” Said Igor Kransky, head of the sample procurement department, “we here at TBAGS believe that Sarah Palin’s DNA is inherently lacking in the proper elements to make a true conservative clone and therefore we cannot run the risk of contaminating other truer samples.” He continued, “now bring me some leg shavings from Michele Bachmann, and we’ll definitely deal!”

As for Beck’s daughter, when asked if she had plans on selling anything else from her famous father, she jokingly said, “well, there is that white robe and hood tucked away in a corner in his closet that might fetch a pretty penny. Let’s see how my first year of college goes, and if need be, I’ll let you know.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

First Marijuana Cafe Opens in US

Portland, OR – The first public cafĂ© offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “Now, after smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Yeah, man, I love this joint. I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know...I love this joint, man.”

“The only real problem we’ve come across so far,” said Zeke Brista (not his real name) “is getting people to leave. The turnaround time in a regular coffee shop is somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour, with most folks just taking their coffee to go. We have been getting the same customers in here since opening day. They’re here when we open and they leave when we close.” Asked if that is already affecting their bottom line, Zeke answered “hell no, man, those people can put away the brownies.”

And we’re willing to bet the pot roast ain’t too bad either.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country, who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most loved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.”

The latest in a number of organizations that have stepped up recently to implore Goldman Sachs to do the right thing by giving up their doses of the vaccine to more deserving at-risk organizations, the Santas claim that their need is greatest due to the fact that in just over a week, they are going to be forced to come in direct contact with what one Santa referred to as “little Petrie dishes that sit on our laps.” There is a good possibility that kids could get more than just toys for Christmas, i.e. a case of the deadly swine flu.

For this reason, the Santas are pulling out all the stops to convince the hale and hearty executives at Goldman to give back the vaccine, including threatening to put each and every one of them on their “naughty” list. Said one mall Santa, “You don’t even wanna go there, especially with the country already up in arms about those bonuses.”

The CDC, while not specifically siding with the Santas, does agree that not only are the children at risk of contracting swine flu by chancing an impromptu visit to their local Mall Santa, but the Santas themselves are in a higher risk category due to the fact that most are considered obese, a risk factor that figures heavily (no pun intended) in contracting the virus. “All those years of milk and cookies and candy canes have really taken a toll on Old St. Nick,” commented the Center’s official spokesperson.

While waiting on Goldman to “do the right thing,” the AMS has issued the following statement for all Mall Santas in order to cut down on the risk of contracting the deadly swine flu virus or spreading it to their tiny visitors:

“Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Most Santas are no stranger to alcohol, but this year especially, use as much alcohol as you can to kill those pesky germs. There is no better sterilizer on the planet. And for the outside of the body, use germicidal soap and hand sanitizer often.”

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.”

In an effort to override the popularity of other doll series that now take on a more urban persona, come equipped with hip-hop clothing and accessories, and which now indicate what Patriate Pride views as a decaying set of morals than when previously introduced, the Pretty Pride doll line features good looking Americans with picture perfect families. Patriate Pride hopes these new dolls will appeal to those seeking the throwback days of the ‘50’s, where mom stayed at home and cared for the family while dad went off to work every day; where everyone went to church on Sunday; and when God and Country were separate but equally respected when we put our hands over our hearts to recite the hallowed Pledge of Allegiance,” as one company spokesperson put it.

Clay and Sally Parsons, originators of the Patriate Pride line of dolls believe that this is an idea whose time has come. “It’s about taking our country back, and we have to teach our children what real homespun values are,” said Clay. “We’ve had enough of that free-wheeling progressive way of doing things and it’s time we pulled the reins in and went back to a time when morality wasn’t just something we talked about, but something we fervently believe in and practice daily. It is never too late to repent,” said Sally.

When asked specifically what it was that the Parsons didn’t like about the present offering of dolls on the market, both let out a laugh at the same time. “How much time do you have?” asked Clay. “There are so many things wrong with the dolls on the market today from having one line of doe-eyed dolls dressing like Saturday night hookers to giving Barbie a boombox and calling her Rappin’, Rockin’ Barbie. Barbie went from the girl next door to having a visibly pregnant friend, Midge.” Said Sally. “We felt it was time to bring Barbie back into the fold by introducing her to some wholesome females again.” When reminded that Midge was actually married and already had kids and was part of the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood, Sally had this to say:

“Sure, there’s the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood series, but again, the manufacturers missed the mark by including other children of mixed racial backgrounds in with the Barbie family package. I’m sure the parents of some of those kids are probably separated or divorced and we just don’t want that to be the case in the Pretty Pride series. That’s when we decided it was time to develop a line of dolls for our friends’ and family’s kids that speak to the good old-fashioned WWJD values we grew up on,” said Sally, totally not understanding the irony in that statement.

Clay confirmed that Michele will be the predominant doll in the Pretty Pride series. “We fashioned the Michele doll after someone who holds family values and Christianity dear to her heart, and we believe she embodies the only true American belief system.” The Michele doll comes dressed in a Chanel suit, pearl necklace, white gloves and carries a Bible. Other dolls in the Michele line include her husband, Marcus, her own five children, and of course 23 foster children.

“Some folks say we chose Michele because of how many dolls we can actually make money off of due to her fostering talents in real life,” said Sally. We didn’t really think about that when first coming up with the Pretty Pride dolls, but now that you mention it, those foster kids really will make us some money hopefully. That is what is so great about this line, it is so life-like.”

Patriate Pride is hoping this initial doll offering will take off and if it does well, they will introduce the other premiere doll of the series fashioned after Sarah Palin. The doll “Sarah” will come dressed in a designer dress with the tag still attached and hip waders, carrying a fishing pole in one hand, and a copy of the Constitution in the other.

Asked if they were considering adding an Alan Keyes doll or a Michael Steele doll to the line, they agreed it wasn’t out of the question to have a few “token” conservative dolls to round out the collection, but didn’t see it happening in the foreseeable future.

Asked if the Parsons felt that their Patriate Pride doll line may upset many progressives, they both agreed that this is something they just felt God called them to do and if it upsets the progressives, then so be it. Do they have any regrets then? Clay answered. “The only thing we regret is that Michele is a working mom. If she would just give up her day job and be a stay-at-home mom like Sarah has done, that would perfectly round out this particular play set.”

“Only in a perfect world,” sighed Sally. “Only in a perfect world.”

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Viagra Concession Ends Strike

Transit workers in Philadelphia, threatening to continue their strike for a raise in more than their salaries, have won a battle with the Southern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority to have most of their health care costs covered, including full-month prescriptions for Viagra and similar prescription medicines to treat erectile dysfunction (ED).

The leader of the transit workers, Jeff Laccid, explained it like this “look, if the train ain’t got enough power, how’s it gonna make in and out of the tunnel, ya know?” He continued, “Not that there’s anything wrong with me, but I got guys coming to me saying that they can blow through the ten-pill-a-month allowance in a long weekend. They’re telling me this is hard on their wives and girlfriends. The number of transit workers threatening to beat it if they don’t get their pills has swelled since the insurance plan took its hard stance.

The official healthcare provider for the transit authority, Dr. Ed Wiener, says that this was a perfect storm waiting to happen due to:

* More and more transit workers coming up on retirement age or crossing into retirement.
*Salaries and retirement accounts taking a huge financial hit, creating a load of stress.
*Most of the older workers taking other prescription drugs for diabetes and high blood pressure that affect their male performance.

“What this amounts to is a bulging population of men who have come to depend on that little blue pill, and who were initially told to make do with what they had. Some claimed it just wasn’t enough.”

The Transit Authority, though, wasn’t buying it. There are a few younger guys out there who were taking advantage of the program by forging prescriptions for the little blue pill--affectionately known in transit circles as the “pocket train,”--and then turning around and selling it at a much higher price to their senior co-workers who were too embarrassed to discuss their condition with their own doctors. “Let’s just say that there was more than bus passes and train tickets being sold out of the terminals,” said one insurance company spokesperson.

What does this newest concession say about the success of union negotiators in the public transit system? I’ll tell you,” said Laccid, “all that dickering back and forth paid off in a huge way. It’s not like we want to stick it to anyone, we just want a bigger package for our guys.”

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Editor at Washington Post Claims "Charticle" is Last Straw

All hell broke loose over at the Washington Post last Friday when features editor, Henry Allen, shoved and punched one of the Post’s Style writers, who called him a very naughty name that rhymes with rockpucker.

Allen was less than pleased with a piece of journalism presented at the weekly meeting held between the writers and the editors of the Style section of the Post. Following the meeting, Allen got “all up in” Style writer, Monica Hesse’s face over an article he described as a “charticle,” forcing Hesse’s co-writer, Manuel Roig-Franzia, to come to her defense. He did so by alling-cay Allen-ay an ocksucker-cay. By the way, a charticle is described as an article that fuses text and graphics, and a journalistic style (no pun intended) that is frowned upon in the journalism business. In addition to the style faux pas, the charticle contained several errors that pissed Allen off to no end.

The fight (actually, Allen punched Roig-Franzia and Roig-Franzia took it like a Style magazine journalist) occurred in front of the office of Executive Editor ,Marcus Brauchli, and in fact, Brauchli was one of the people in the room who helped pull Allen off Roig-Franzia.

Immediately following the incident, Allen was called into Brauchli’s office and appropriately read the riot act, which appears each week in the editorial section of the newspaper. In addition, Allen was barred from the newsroom for the remainder of his career, which just happens to be a few days from now, as he has already announced his retirement effective November 20, 2009.

So, with Allen out of the picture, Roig-Franzia is up for Allen’s job and claims that if he becomes the features editor, there will be more of the same type of journalism where “charticles” come from. Here’s a tentative list that he’s come up with:

Particle – Fuses half the story with lots of pictures.
Grapharticle – Fuses useless graphs with lots of text (not to be confused with charticle).
Pharticle – Fuses photos with really clever captions.
Emoticle – Fuses happy news with smiley faces.
Antarticle – Fuses cold hard facts with cold hard graphics.
OMGarticle – Fuses text messages with graphic graphics.
Politicle – Confuses politics with text.
Errarticle – Fuses glaring errors with photos that don’t match.
Freeforarticle – Fuses face with fist.
Satarticle – What you just read on Glossy News.