States Unwittingly Promote Masturbation by Prohibiting Gateway Sexual Activity

SALT LAKE CITY - In a poll taken of students in several states including Utah and Wisconsin, where new laws have been enacted to promote abstinence only as a way to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it was discovered that masturbation has sharply increased.

Lawmakers in several states have taken up the cause of dictating what can and cannot be taught to students in sex education classes. Many of those lawmakers claim that abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. But now, they are taking their Victorian-era ideas one step further.

“These kids need to be taught to keep their hands to themselves,” said Tennessee state legislator, Markus Mark. “It all starts with a little flirtation, then there’s hand holding and kissing, and before you know it, they’re doing the boinkety-boink in the back seat of daddy’s car. Nosiree, we ain’t having none of that,” he said sternly.

Last month a bill was passed in Utah that basically told schools they have the right to opt out of sex education, while prohibiting any talk about pre-marital sex or homosexuality. The bill said nothing about masturbation, however.

Utah lawmaker, Morton Kemper was asked about the apparent loophole in the law he helped push through the Utah Senate.

“Listen, as long as they ain’t touchin’ each other, I don’t have a problem at all with them touchin’ themselves all they want. At least they ain’t spreading any deadly diseases or making babies our taxpayers are gonna end up having to support.”

In a related story, the sports department of Morgan High School in Morgan, Utah has been ordered to change the name of its football team.

“For obvious reasons,” said Morgan High School Principal, Mavis Tingly, “we can no longer call ourselves the ‘Home of the Trojans.’”