Saturday, August 29, 2009

Candy Throwing Incident at White House Further Strains US/Afghanistan Relations

Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai.

The incident happened in the Oval office as the two were just sitting down to discuss what could be done to repair broken ties between the two countries. Evidently, taking his cue from the U.S. summer hit television show “Dating in the Dark,” Karzai took out a box of smoked salt caramels (Obama’s favorite candy) and proceeded to hurl them one at a time in the direction of the President. Unable to fend off the barrage of confections, Obama took direct hits on the side of his nose as well as to the corner of his left eye.

Upon hearing Obama’s cries for help, secret service officers rushed into the room in time to witness Obama diving under his presidential desk, as Karzai continued to lob the candy in his direction.

Karzai was taken into custody and upon interrogation, gave this account of the incident. “I love American television and I watch it every day. When I saw the episode on ‘Dating in the Dark,’ where one girl took a piece of candy and threw it at another girl and hit her in the face, I thought that throwing candy was a sign of affection in America. I found out that President Obama’s favorite candy comes from Fran’s Chocolates in Seattle, and I had my secretary secure a box of the caramels so that I could throw them to him during our meeting.” He continued, “I do not know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like I threw a shoe at President Obama. I thought I was honoring him by pelting him with his favorite treats.”

Once Karzai was restrained, the officers went back into the Oval Office to find Obama still hunkered down under his desk, chewing on one of the offending missiles. “At least Hamid threw the correct candy,” Obama mused. “God forbid he would throw ordinary Kraft caramels at me.”

“The President was pretty banged up,” one of the officers commented. “He looked like he had just gotten out of the ring with Joe Louis. He is gonna have one hell of a shiner come tomorrow morning.”

The meeting between Obama and Karzai was cancelled and a new meeting date was not announced. “We need to take a close look at this incident to determine whether President Karzai’s excuse that he thought throwing candy at someone in America was considered an act of endearment, or whether he intentionally meant to harm the President,” said a White House spokesperson. “Until we can assure the complete safety of President Obama, there will be no more meetings between him and Karzai.”

When asked if he’ll be more careful about the American shows he watches in the future, Karzai had this to say, “No, I’m sorry to say, that I am hooked on American television. I am looking forward with great interest to season 8 of the series “24.” There is so much good stuff on that show, I don’t miss an episode.” With that, Karzai was whisked away to the airport and his flight home to Afghanistan.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Glenn Beck Show Saved by "Good Ol' Boy" Advertisers

Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won’t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn’t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn’t have a show.

Fox is getting flooded with calls from the very industries that made Beck the redneck household name that he is. Gun manufacturers, bail bondsmen, taxidermists, hunting dog puppy mills, and hunting suppliers from all over America are coming to Beck’s aid, offering to buy up advertising spots on his show in fifteen second increments to keep him on the air.

There are so many companies in line to purchase ad time on Beck’s show that Fox has had to form a lottery, allowing hopeful advertisers to put their name in the proverbial huntin’ cap for a shot at getting one of the highly prized spots. Most of the companies vying for the spots are cottage industries, and as such, do not even have an advertising budget, but they are asking their friends, families and customers to pitch in whatever they can afford to come up with the hundreds of thousands of dollars needed to keep Beck on the air.

“Skeet” Newby of Skeet’s Shooters Emporium in Joplin, Missouri had this to say about Beck, “Oh my God, I can’t imagine a day without listening to Glenn Beck. His words speak straight to my heart. Me and my family is going to do everything we can to help ol’ Glenn out, even if it means putting a second mortgage on the trailer.” There are hundreds more out there in America doing what they can to keep the Glenn Beck Show alive on Fox.

One major gun aficionado magazine “Cocked and Loaded” has expressed a desire to buy up all the spots in the first half hour of Beck’s show in order to air some pretty comical ads featuring the talking dog “AK-47.” While they weren’t specific on what the ads would depict, a spokesperson did give a few hints by saying that the spots would have everyone rolling in the aisles. “A talking dog with a southern accent and the baby shooting the gun is something that will appeal to most of Beck’s supporters,” said Karl Drove, head of the magazine’s marketing department.

Sources close to Beck have leaked the names of a few more companies that have put in their bids for this most coveted airtime. From smokeless tobacco companies to manufactured home dealers, anyone associated with the “Proud to Be a Redneck” movement are stepping forward to help good ol’ Glenn stay on the air. “In fact, we just received word today that the Southern Alliance of Thank You Jesus Our Lord and Savior Church Amalgamation has promised to turn over next month’s entire offerings from every church in the tri-state area to help keep Beck on the air,” said Sally Pittles, Beck’s private assistant.

Rascal Smitts of Rascal’s Camo and Ammo in Great Forge, Arkansas says he’s been listening to Glenn Beck for a couple of years now and credits Beck with getting the word out on the importance of owning guns. “Especially in today’s mixed up political world, where socialism seems to be making a comeback, it’s nice to know that someone gets it,” said Rascal. “I mean, things are getting to the point where you need to arm yourself at these political rallies to show who is still boss. I mean, for Chrissake, we have a guy with the name Hussein in office. Thank goodness we have Glenn Beck to remind us just how angry we should all be about that.”

Although Glenn Beck couldn’t be reached for comment, sources close to Beck say that he knew all along his supporters would come through for him and he’s more determined than ever to keep this country as divided as he can for as long as the ad revenues roll in.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Stupidity Has Reached Gigantic Proportions in US

*No Guns Were Used in the Writing of This Blog*

Today, I’m not going to write the typical smart-ass column where I put a comical slant on some news article I read. Nope, today, it’s the real deal. I’m so disturbed about what I just read that I have to get this out or it’ll eat away at me.

Some crazed gun rights fanatics have taken to bringing their guns to protest rallies where the President of the United States is speaking. I’m referring to the latest incident where some idiot decided it was ok to bring a fully loaded assault rifle to one such event in Phoenix, AZ where President Obama was addressing the Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention.

I cannot fathom this type of blatant ignorance. I’m honestly trying to understand where these people are coming from, but can’t. Is it just a select few who are cocked and ready to shoot? Or is it a bigger problem? And why are we, as a supposedly civilized society, allowing these whack jobs to exercise their right to bear arms in such an irresponsible way?

I do believe a lot of this has to do with the hate mongers on television and radio who are inciting people with half a brain to go out and assert their “white” rights. I’ll name them by name: Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, and Sean Hannity, not to mention the people on local AM radio stations in racist southern states. It’s getting ugly folks. I am afraid that the ugliness in some Americans is starting to show its face in extremes we’ve not seen since the race riots in decades past. And it would not surprise me if Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are behind some of this as well. You cannot get any whiter than those boys.

I only hope that good will trump evil and intelligence will overcome ignorance, but from what I saw in today’s news, it’s not looking too promising and that scares the hell out of me. The Christians today talk about the end times and to me, the end times are signaled by exactly this type of behavior. I only hope that enough people have enough sense to do what they can to try and counteract this insane behavior before many people needlessly get hurt.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Glenn Beck - Tears of a Rodeo Clown

Say what you will, but it takes a big man with big clown pants to admit he’s an idiot. That is what Glenn Beck intends to do live on air this week folks. That’s right, he’s gonna get down on his hands and knees and kiss the behind of every ad exec from NY to LA in an attempt to save his pitiful butt from cancellation. A spokesperson for Geico--the latest in a line of companies to pull their ads from Beck’s show, including Proctor & Gamble, SC Johnson and Progressive Insurance--has indicated the reason they are pulling their ads is because of Beck’s deep-seated hatred for geckos. “Beck hates color, and our little gecko is a pretty colorful guy.” she said.

Sources close to Beck say he admits he may have taken it a bit too far by attacking the gecko. “I didn’t realize how many people like that gecko,” he said. “Who knew? When that gecko started talking change and hope, well, I just lost it.” At which point he was reminded that we were talking salamanders not leaders of nations.

No one is sure how this is going to play out. With major advertising money being diverted to other news shows, Beck may be forced into AM Radio. There are rumors that if he does get canned from Fox, he’s going to team up with G. Gordon Liddy, “the G-Man” and give Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage a run for their money. “Hate radio is big, big, big, and the way I look at it, there is a sea of ignorance out there waiting for my tutelage. I’ll get my message out any way I can,” said Beck.

True to form, the Gecko, when asked for a comment about all this simply said “can’t we all just get along?”

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Vegetarianism Taking Over

Vegetarianism is expected to increase within the next few years due to recent viral outbreaks linked to the consumption of meat. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), we could see a “perfect storm” of contagious diseases as outbreaks of the avian flu (poultry), mad cow disease (beef), swine flu (pork) and salmonella (fish) are all expected to occur within the same time frame sometime within the next two years.

There has already been an increase in toilet sales in anticipation of the mega-outbreak. Some families are urged to turn extra home space into multiple stall bathrooms as family members prepare for the effects of the flu as well as the effects that will come from the changeover from meat to roughage.

Not to be confused with commodes, the commodities market is expected to soar as foods such as corn, broccoli, and soybeans make their way to the top of everyone’s grocery list.
It is expected that nearly half the world’s arable land will be planted with these 3 major vegetables to be used both as a food source and as an alternative energy source.

President Obama welcomed the news stating “we were hoping that something would come along to help put plumbers and farmers back to work, and this is just the break we need to get this economy back on track.”

Monday, August 10, 2009

Barry's Backyard Burials

Waldeburg, WI – Tough times are hitting everyone including the dead. Folks are so busy trying to keep their homes and their cars that there’s no money left in some budgets to bury their dead. Cities all across the country have seen a rise in people abandoning their newly deceased family members and letting the local authorities take care of the body.

In Waldeburg, Wisconsin, though, folks wishing to save money while giving their loved ones a decent home burial have an option. For less than it costs to throw a fine Irish wake, Barry’s Backyard Burials will supply you with a pine box complete with travel pillow, a wooden cross with the deceased’s name etched on it, and a pot of mums, in season. Barry and his crew will come to your home and dig a hole on your property in accordance with local ordinances, and leave instructions on exactly how the hole should be filled in. The rest is up to you.

Why pay thousands of dollars to the local mortuary and cemetery when Barry’s Backyard Burials can do the same thing, sans embalming. As long as you own your property, and plan on staying there awhile, Barry’s offers a great option for cash-strapped mourners. And, according to suppliers of pine boxes, you’ll be doing the environment a favor too as pine boxes are environmentally friendly.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Cash for Clunkers: Herbie the Love Bug Traded In for 2009 Kia Rio

Reno, NV - The lovable Herbie The Love Bug VW Beetle was taken in as scrap this week at Bud Glow’s Rio Showcase Car Dealership in Reno, Nevada. The car’s owner, Delora Upswing, said the car was given to her as a present from a friend years ago and she just kept it locked up in the garage.

As soon as she heard about the Cash for Clunkers program, she decided it was time to part ways with the little fellow and get herself a sporty new ride.

When she went to start Herbie, he sputtered and coughed and she thought he wouldn’t make it, but true to form, he started running like a top. “It’s a shame I should get rid of this cute little car,” said Delora, “but he’s too out of date.” At that, Herbie’s bright headlights began to fade as he slowly rolled down the driveway and took Delora for one last ride, oil conspicuously dripping from his tear ducts.

Once they arrived at Bud Glow’s, Herbie was escorted to the back of the lot with the rest of the dejected clunkers. Delora, meanwhile, got a great deal from Bud himself, and drove off the lot in her brand new Rio, not even looking back at Herbie.

Update: Since last reported, Herbie has been saved. An old mechanic named Don, who works for Bud, realized who Herbie was and offered to take him off the lot for the cost of salvage. Last seen Don was cruising the streets of Reno with Herbie flashing his lights and wagging his windshield wipers.

C’mon. This is a comedy site. You really think I’d off Herbie?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Olbermann and O'Reilly Feud Defused

Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly have agreed to take off the boxing gloves and play nicey-nice on air pursuant to a deal struck by their daddies, Jeffrey Immelt, head of General Electric and Rupert Murdock, who owns News Corporation. No longer will the feud be openly fought within the MSNBC/FOX arena.

“It’s hurting business and when business hurts, we all hurt,” said an unidentified spokesperson. However, according to the polls, every time Olbermann attacks O’Reilly on air, the ratings spike and one has to wonder how that can hurt business. Ad revenues are through the ceiling. Although ratings are barely affected one way or the other when O’Reilly attacks back. Still, people tune into the news to be entertained, not informed.

Some people are wondering if this latest in a string of “kiss and make up” stories is another Obama victory. Perhaps no one is letting on that he was secretly invited to the meeting between Immelt, Murdock, Olbermann and O’Reilly when moderator Charlie Rose just couldn’t get anyone to budge. A White House spokesperson did comment just moments after the meeting that “once you get everyone to play a few rounds of quarters, all the hate and tension tends to just melt away.”

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Clintons--WTF's New Political Tag Team

Washington, DC – In what has been billed a first in heavy weight political maneuvers, the tag team of Hillary and Bill Clinton have succeeded in taking down America’s meanest competitor, Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Hillary’s visit to Southeast Asia two weeks ago was initially seen as unproductive and served only to enrage further an already angry mob of North Koreans who likened her to a mean mother.

Little did the North Koreans know that Hillary was the first punch of a Clinton one-two, to be followed up by her husband, Bill Clinton, in a surprise visit to North Korea this week. Said Hillary, “I was just warming them up. By the time Bill got in there, they didn’t know what hit them. It was a TKO (take Korea out).”

Once Clinton got what he’d come for—the release of two American journalists jailed in North Korea on spying charges—he hopped on a plane flanked by the journalists and with a flash of his cape, was gone.

Although no one at the White House expected such a positive outcome, the Secretary and the Attaché, as Hill and Bill are professionally known, had no doubts. “We’ve been practicing this move since the 1980’s” said Bill. “We like to call it ‘The Ole Switcheroo.’”

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mel Gibson: Just Making it Up as I Go Along Folks

Just when you think Mel Gibson couldn’t get any more unwound, out pops a story that makes you shake your head all over again. It’s one thing to reach a certain point in your life where you begin to question the religious tenets fed you in childhood and begin a personal spiritual journey to determine what your belief system may really be. It’s quite another thing, though, to simply take the parts of your childhood religion that you don’t like and twist them in such a way that it benefits you and your egg-headed life decisions.

Case in point, Mel Gibson's request to the Catholic Church to have his marriage annulled. This has to piss off a few people. For starters, his eight kids? What is it with 8 kids being in the news all the time too? Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to Mel. Perhaps he’s beginning to believe the stories that he has more money than God. Whatever it is, he seems to be using his money to cure what makes him unhappy, and he’s doing it in larger than life ways.

Unhappy with your church? Build your own. Mel had his own church built in the Malibu Hills called the Church of the Holy Family.(Emphasis on Family) Sorry, but this just cracks me up. You’ll see why in a minute. Anyway, Mel broke with the Catholic Church and evidently thinks others want to follow in his footsteps, so he’s giving them a place to do it. If you have the money and the inclination, I say why not?

Here’s the funny part though. Since Gibson can’t persuade the Catholic Church to annul his marriage, he can just annul it himself. Clever eh? It goes to follow that the Catholic Church will not bless his union with wife #2, who, by the way is preggers with his child out of wedlock, another Catholic no-no, so he’ll get married in his own Church. See where this is headed? Mel has, himself, gotten so high and mighty that he can do just about anything and have it approved by or pardoned by a Church, albeit the Mel Gibson Church of the Holy Family.

And sure, he may be able to get away with it down here, but wait till God gets a hold of him.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nadya and Kate Create Momopoly on Reality Shows

Nadya Suleman, known as Octomom, and Kate Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, have joined forces to create what may be the first momopoly of motherhood-related reality shows.

With 22 kids between them, they’ve decided to pool the insane amounts of money being thrown at them for having more buns in the oven than the Pillsbury doughboy, to form Octomom Productions, in hopes of continuing to exploit their children on various reality shows until they reach the age of consent or lose their novelty, whichever comes first.

Plans to purchase Neverland Ranch as headquarters for the entire brood are in the negotiation stages. Said Nadya, “Kate and I have become very close since our first meeting to compare big baby belly pictures, and once Jon decided to be like every other lying, rat bastard dad who walked the earth with his promises to love and honor until the babies start screaming and crying at all hours of the night and he has a freakin’ hangover because he can drink but Kate can’t cause she has to nurse and you look at him and say ‘get out of her freakin’ life you sex fiend’ if he goes even close enough to wish sex on her again…” whereupon, the interview was cut short due to Nadya’s inability to utter a coherent sentence.