Which Dem is Best Candidate to Trump Trump in 2020?

Here's my take on a few of the presidential hopefuls vying for top of the Dem ticket (keeping in mind I will go to the grave regretting Bernie didn't get the nomination in 2016)...)

They say Elizabeth Warren would have a problem winning against Trump. I agree. She is a fighter, no doubt, feisty? You bet. But she sometimes doesn't know how to choose her fights, and when she does get to fighting about something, she almost always does it in a very indignant way, fists clenched either at her side or raised to the heavens as if to say "there will be holy hell to pay if you don't do things my way. So, in that respect, I think she would be able to hold her ground, not fall into a weeping mess whenever Trump decides to deride her some more. And while I'd love for her to be my liberal go to for good old fashioned Republican bashings, I see her maybe lasting to the primaries, but she would not get the nomination.

As for Biden, he is slick, I hand that to him. He is pulling off the kind grandfather role perfectly and comes across as honest as the day is long. And boy can he rock a pair of RayBans. Am I right? I truly like the guy and, under normal circumstances, might even be willing to give him a shot at President. However, that said, he is still hurting from his son's death, which gives Trump the upper hand with snide remarks, put downs, nasty nicknames, and generally bullying this nice man who could run circles around Trump in the humanity department. Those remarks at some point would be too much for Biden I think. Now if we could shorten the primary process to say a day or two with a week of back-to-back political ads to go on so that Trump would have less airtime to bash everyone, then Biden might survive that week. So Biden, for me, is a wait-and-see, maybe. 

Beto. Nice kid. Honestly, he is 1 year younger than my son, so yeah to me, he's a kid. Soooooo freaking nice too. I mean, out of all the candidates I watched who were running for office, Beto was one of my absolute favorites, and I was so unhappy he lost the election. Now, his political opponents sometimes make a deal out of his nickname "Beto." He is 4th generation Texan with an Irish heritage. He was born, and grew up, in El Paso so basically, the Mexicans there, because he was 4th generation, probably kind of grandfathered him into the Hispanic community. That is a huge plus seeing as the entire country is so polarized over the whole immigration issue which, by the way, is nowhere near getting resolved but only getting worse by the minute. But I digress. Beto, nice kid. Might even be best one to look Trump in the eyes as he (Beto) is 6'4". A lot could get done just with the staring contests the two could have at debates. Not a word spoken, just stare until one of them cracks. My bet to win is on Beto. But I digress anew.

If Beto was chosen to run on the Democrat ticket, then I would vote for him, but I'm not making any promises until I see who else is running and watch the million debates that will no doubt be scheduled right after Beto, Biden, Bernie, Liz, Kamala, Cory, Kirsten, Julian (Castro), Sherrod, Dasher, Dancer, Grumpy, Doc, Groot, and a Putin plant, among others, announce they are officially running for President.

Which brings me to Bernie. As said before, Bernie has always been the one who stole my political heart. The newcomers such as Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and Beto, to name a few, are the 1.0 version of Bernie, meaning they are still pretty green. Oh the fight in those young upstarts is impressive as hell. They know what would be good for this country along the very same lines as Bernie. In fact, I'd venture to guess they took a lot of their stuff already from the Bernie playbook. In addition, each one of them brings a freshness to the Democratic party.

However, that said, it was Bernie who brought them out of the shadows and into the lightness of being *politics with a human touch*. From the time Bernie started agitating the masses during his college years to the present moment, that man has never, ever wavered in his message to us, the American people. Bernie didn't ask for huge corporate "gifts" to his campaign as he very well could have due to that insane ruling in Citizens United. Instead, he asked for less than $30 a person to fund his campaign. And it worked. In fact, he still has money in the till to "prime" another campaign for 2020. The message coming from Bernie has always been, more jobs, better-paying jobs, freedom of a woman to choose, education, education, education, healthcare for all and no tax cuts for the rich. Not such a bad message, eh? And as for his ability to stand up to Trump, well, he took a licking from the Dems (I still think they did him dirty), and he kept on ticking. He is largely to thank for all the newbie politicians all over the United States who flipped the House. For all the women who decided it was time to stop playing second fiddle and go for the brass ring. Thank you Bernie. One of his main messages was don't sit there and complain, get involved in every level of government, from city commissioner to mayors and governors. He knows the way to keep a strong, healthy base in place is to start from the ground up. Grassroots all the way, baby. And if I may, I will finish by asking this question "When was the last time you saw a bird land on a podium directly in front of a man (let alone a politician) delivering a message of hope and love?"

So, in conclusion, here is my best estimate of what should happen in 2020:

Create a Triumvirate of Biden, Sanders and O'Rourke and that way I won't have to choose between the three. But we are doing ok with two, you say. Nay, that is called a duumvirate (go ahead look it up), and that just sounds dumb.

Real Reason Uber Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station

Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

Most chalk it up to just that, greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as The Closet, the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. A date no one is now sure of since the Mayans let us down.

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

No more is known about the PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle and who needed the information to find out where to show up once the Apocalypse was upon us to travel to the space station his billions were going toward building.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the uber rich to finance this project, but so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be. 

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years, which is highly possible due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue. 

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of dollars are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars, more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well when constituted.

Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

Eric Trump Claims Daddy Robbed His Piggy Bank

In a candid sit down with a New York radio host last week, Eric Trump opened up about what life was like growing up in the Donald Trump household.

"I have to tell you, the money and fame wasn't bad, but being around that A-type personality 24/7 wasn't easy," claims Eric.

"Sometimes, it was hard to come down to breakfast because you just knew that if you didn't have your tie on straight or your handkerchief just so in your chest pocket, you were going to catch hell."

Then he chuckled. "Dad hates when I tell this story, but I can't resist. I guess with all the talk about Daddy taking money from my charity made me think of this one thing he did when I was like 8 or 9 years old."

Eric recounted how he heard someone upstairs in his bedroom and what sounded like metal on ceramic.

"I thought, 'no way…somebody is breaking into my piggy bank.' I figured it was probably Don, Jr. looking for some cigarette money. Anyway, I went up to investigate, and I found dad, kitchen knife in hand, trying to jimmy the coins out of my piggy bank. No kidding!"

Turns out, as Eric tells it, the senior Trump had ordered a pizza from Domino's and was short a few bucks to pay the pizza delivery guy, who wouldn't go away, even though the elder Trump told him he was good for the money.

Evidently, this same delivery boy had been stiffed a couple times at the Trump residence and was holding his ground, making it necessary for Trump to break into Eric's piggy bank.

"I'll never forget that image…dad got so flustered at not being able to get the change out fast enough that he ended up smashing my piggy bank with the knife and money flew everywhere. When he saw me standing in the doorway, him on his hands and knees scooping up change, and me yelling 'Dad, what the hell?' well, at the time it wasn't funny, but now, looking back on it, it is just so hilarious."

Eric ended the conversation by saying that for all his faults, his dad was a pretty decent guy.

"I mean, he was pretty great. Like the pizza he ordered…he usually liked his with just mushrooms, but for us kids, he got half with pepperoni. Now to me, that really showed he cared."

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Puffcorn Actual Size

UPDATE: Since purchasing these cheetos, the Donald has been elected and with his inadvertently making cheetos worth a ton of money, Helen has offered up the snack dinosaurs again on E-Bay for $500,000. Anyone interested, please go to E-bay to find the information. Just search for Donald Trump snacks known as the Trump-ets. Good luck.

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her "dinosaur" cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester's Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth's room.

"I've joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth's room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn't too far off the mark," said an elated Crumples.

Since accepting the offer on eBay, Crumples has bought several more bags of the cheesy snack, and has discovered that most of the puffs resemble either dinosaurs or swans.

"The jig is up, I guess," said Crumples unapologetically.

"I sure hate to break the news to the poor woman who bought my collection. She was such a nice old lady and so excited to have been the highest bidder. I just hope she doesn't think I swindled her."

Crumples did some checking and could find nothing in the eBay rules and regulations that says if a seller realizes the item they are selling is not as listed or not worth nearly what was bid, the seller has any obligation to refund a buyer's money.

Helen says she does feel a bit bad about the whole thing, though. In order to make it up to the buyer, Helen is sending a $25 gift certificate to the kindly old woman from Hobby Lobby.

Helen is hoping the woman, who claims to be an artist, might use the gift card to buy some fake palm trees and shrubs to make a nice diorama in which to show off the unique, or not so unique, puffs, which after realizing her mistake, are actually now only worth the $2.00 or so price of a bag of Chester's Puffcorn.

Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars

In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from reaching the press, the President issued a mandate that everyone in his cabinet be required to wear a shock collar.

"We are tired of reports of rogue employees," said a WH spokesperson, "but we don't want to lose what few employees we have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze," she said.

"Therefore, effective immediately, the Government Procurements Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump's own words) "a really big shipment of shock collars."

The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendevous seem like child's play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on Bannon's desk from Fern's Fetish Emporium.

The collars must be worn at all times so that anything the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.

While there has been some pushback on the collars from Trump's more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.

However, the collars may be responsible for the drained expressions on the faces of a few of Trump's closest advisors, including Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with cameras and a microphone.

While this move may seem medieval to most, the new administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media. In Spicer's case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.

When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea, Spicer replied: "Yes, master," as he adjusted the tension on his own ill-fitting collar.

Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD

Trump After Realizing DOD Doesn't Stand for Dept. of Donald

President-elect, Donald Trump resigned as President Monday, shortly after arriving in Manhattan for a  briefing with the Department of Defense. Details are still coming in, but some say the reason for his resignation has to do with a reading assignment he was given shortly before the holiday break.

Mr. Trump was on his way to meeting with the DOD in the wee hours Monday morning when advised by his advisor that he would be required to answer questions relating to the information provided in the top secret briefing memos.

Not one to shirk his responsibilities, the Donald fired off a tweet that said "I know everything. I don't need a briefing to know everything, but I'll go."

About two minutes into the briefing, Trump came out of the room appearing confused and nonplussed. He agreed to a short 20-second press briefing.

"I kept getting these e-mails from the DOD and I wondered, 'why are they calling it DOD?' Then it dawned on me, they must be talking about Department of Donald, and well, I already know what I know so why should I read something that I know I know? But I decided, ok, I'll go just in case there is something they might not know, and need me to clear things up for them."

"Besides," he said, "they always serve the best croissants at these breakfast meetings."

After the Donald spoke, a reporter whispered to Dennis Rodman, who was standing beside Trump waving a N. Korean flag, and Dennis whispered to Trump.

Seemingly unfazed, Trump then announced, "Well folks, it appears DOD stands for Department of Defense. Who knew? You coulda knocked me over with a comb. But that's ok, I'll just resign."

Turning to no one in particular, he added "I can do that can't I? I mean, I don't have to be President if I don't want to do I?"

While the question seemed rhetorical and just a tad elementary, a reporter from NPR, who had been hiding in the back of the briefing room the whole time in order to escape detection by the President-elect, spoke up.

"No, Mr. Almost President, you don't."

How the Trump Stole America

Politics in America had suffered a blow

Americans were fed up with the status quo

Obama did what he could with what given

The red states were mad, they were hellbent and driven

Give us a new leader, give us fresh meat

A guy who knows how to make money and tweet

That's all that they needed, no more and no less

Could that guy be found? It was anyone's guess

Then out from a rock came an orange-shaded man

Whose hair was combed over, his body fake tan

Republicans fell one by one in debate

to his promise of making America great

When down to two choices, the people did cry

Why hadn't we chosen the blue Birdie guy

The choices were pared down--one lady, one man

A woman with balls 'gainst a guy with small hands.

The voters had spoken, and held out the hope

That electors would wise up and see through this joke

There were no more chances, the election was over

America faced a Trump White House Takeover

The folks who had voted the Charlatan in

Didn't know what they bargained for letting Trump win

I'll stop social programs, you'll have nowhere to go

for your handouts, your food stamps, your government dole

Your paydays will dwindle, You'll beg for my mercy

Especially Chris Christie and his goons in New Jersey.

Latinos, and Muslims, and foreigners all

I'll send you a packin' and I'll build a wall

I'll think up new taxes, new tariffs and fees,

Until it's not profitable for the Chinese.

I'll rape the land and cut down all your trees,

Why I'll even deplete all the birds and the bees

Then the President laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I said I would win

You fell for my lies and my fakey false grin

No longer will this be a government for all

My mission's to watch your democracy fall

He finished his tirade by blowing a kiss and said

Thanks for the votes, now you all are dismissed.

©P. Beckert 2016

Condom Sales Skyrocket Ahead of Third Presidential Debate

By now, everyone who isn't holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or tvs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald "the Donald" Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton. Americans will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On the one hand, with all that talk about female genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, "wouldn't imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?"

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as hell isn't going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next unwilling victim.

Which doesn't explain the spike in condom sales. The only logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing "the all-time Great Trojan Horse" into the country, we can't help but wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

GOP Up Shitz Creek; Calls in Turd Blossom to Rig Race

It is common knowledge that Donald Trump continues his popularity among the  conservative populace who aren't buying politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a connection here?

While he doesn't like to think of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said. "You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear that from me."

In fact, after that statement, Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen, he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."

More as we get it.

Elizabeth Warren Seeks Professional Help for OCD After Endorsing Clinton

BOSTON - Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute, McLean Hospital, at Harvard Medical School. According to one source, Ms. Warren has not been able to stop showering since she endorsed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party Nominee for President.

"I just don't feel clean anymore," Ms. Warren was quoted as saying as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital.

"I think I need serious help," she wailed.

At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom, and after several minutes in there, an aide went to check on her only to find her sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand trying to scrub her arms and legs.

"There is dirt everywhere," she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.

When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Sen. Warren replied, "Well, I don't really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald."

A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn't do any more harm to herself.

Asked what a possible treatment might be for her, the doctor in charge of her case said it was too soon to tell, but he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.

"We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit."

In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren's condition, he simply said "Elizabeth who?"

Millions of Americans Trapped Below Middle Class without Rescue Plan

Rescuers are busy on a plan to reach millions of Americans who have become trapped somewhere between middle class and lower class without much of a chance of survival. They claim a level of greed several hundred feet thick is separating the trapped Americans from reaching the upper crust.

While several escape plans have been formulated, none of them seem to be iron-clad winners and therefore, have not been put into action as yet. The committee put in charge of the rescue plan claims they are unable to put the effort and resources into such a large plan until after the elections have determined who the next group of rescuers will be.

“It’d be like taking money from one cause and putting it toward another,” said one rescue operation manager, “we just can’t afford to spend our election money on anything other than getting our people elected.”

Of course, Bernie Sanders, a big proponent of pulling the upper crust entirely off the middle class, is being drowned out by the other 2016 candidates who are saying they are fine with the situation for now as it means less money is being spent on things like adequate health care, better paying jobs, etc. I  addition, they believe that more humans on top means more carbon dioxide being exhaled. Said one
billionaire wishing not to be identified, "We have enough hot air up here now as it is."

In addition, they say that as long as the upper crust separates the "us-es" from "thems," there is no need to worry about depletion of fossil fuels, as they believe the bodies will eventually turn into peat, peat into coal, etc.

"Of course, that is a while away," said Donald Trump at a recent rally. "But you know, as long as we're in power, we can wait."

 Some say if the Democrats win, the trapped Americans may see some relief, although slow in coming, which means several hundred thousand may still end up worse off than they are at present. Some have just run out of the resources to wait. Some are living with one foot outside their front doors, while their homes are falling away from them.

Word getting back to the upper crust tells a story of horror as those caught below recount how they have been able to survive thus far. May Smith from Snap Bean, SC claims she’s gotten by barely.

“I’ve had to claw a corner of the space down here for myself to grow my own vegetables. My family takes turns guarding the patch at night from others who are so busy standing in lines trying to get one or two steps up that they end up without the resources to feed their families. Some are busy clipping coupons. It helps, but unless you can buy two of everything, which we can’t, a coupon isn’t worth the paper it's printed on. We end up using coupons to start fires to keep warm down here.”

Others say that if the Republicans get in, they don’t know if there will be a rescue at all. Barney Cratchett from Crockett, Kansas claims he’s voted Republican ever since he’s been of age to vote, but isn’t quite sure this year.

“You hear stories down here, you know? Stories about Ronald Reagan and how his economics was good enough for us in the 80’s, they may be good enough for us now. Without any bankers or lawyers or professional folks down here to run that kind of economic thinking past, I’m just not sure the money’s gonna reach this far down and without it reaching past maybe the 1^st or second level tier, down here at level 4, we may be waiting a long time to be rescued," he said, adding "the only trickle down we are getting here is some real nasty stuff if  you know what I mean. Those rich folks do love their asparagus.”

Sally Farnsworth, a single 50's Wal-mart worker who has found herself at the bottom of the lower middle class level says the same.

“It’s freakin’ scary to think about. I’m driving a 2000 Kia Rio. Sure, 100,000 mile, 10-year warranty, but that expired six years ago. I need a new muffler and brake system. Do the rescuers know that? I doubt it. It's being held together with duct tape and that stuff can be very expensive, even with my Wal-mart employee discount.”

Meanwhile, needless holes are being dug to reach the trapped middle class. Said one rescuer “It’s hit or miss, that’s all we can say. We try extending unemployment benefits, but at what cost? We try helping defray things like medical costs and high credit card interest rates, but the insurance companies and banks aren’t willing to even come out to the rescue site to see how they might lend a hand.”

Everyone involved in the rescue effort agrees on one thing, without everyone chipping in and trying to come up with a solution, those stuck in the middle and lower classes are going to remain trapped for a while longer and the best we can do is pipe down a few creature comforts like Cheetos and cheap fast food hoping that by Christmas, they can all come up for air.

Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition

Update: It is 5 years later and we have learned that while Donald Trump still suffers from "thin skin syndrome," he says he has taken the necessary medical precautions and is, in his words, "a leathery lethal opponent to anyone who gets in his way on his path to the Presidency."
Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”

Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.

Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”

Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.

“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.

Sheldon Adelson Receives Worst Investor of the Year Award

Vegas Billionaire Sheldon Adelson knows how to make money and he knows how to spend it, or so his financial advisors thought until they finished counting all the beans in the jar. Seems Adelson spent just a little too much on something that turned out not to be such a sure bet after all—the Romney/Ryan Campaign.

Because of the huge amount he dumped on Romney’s failed bid for President (not to mention the millions he spent on Newt Gingrich’s failure to launch during the primaries), he has just been named Worst Investor of the Year by financial radio host Clark Howard. Howard says Adelson beat out Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers by a few shekels.

It was damned near impossible keeping Adelson from spending huge amounts of money according to his personal assistant. 

“Last year it was all about the Jewish people,” said Amanda Hockencourt, one of Adelson’s closest advisers. 

“To his way of thinking, there just weren’t enough Jewish comedians on television after Seinfeld folded, and he was spending copious amounts of money on getting another show up and running that would make him laugh when he needed to laugh”

“That plan failed miserably,” said Hockencourt. “Just look at this year’s sitcom lineup. Not a winner in the bunch.” (Sources close to Adelson say he quit when he realized the best he might be able to come up with was Sacha Baron Cohen).

 While it is only a fraction of what Adelson is actually worth, Hockencourt said Shelly had to know he was throwing good money after bad both on his bid for the next Seinfeld and later when he decided to back Newt Gingrich and other failing Republicans.

Even an idiot knows when to quit,” said Hockencourt, off the record of course.

Hockencourt stated that the real spending started when Romney did so well on the first debate.

“He’s a lying fool, that Romney,” Adelson was heard telling his financial adviser on the phone. “We can’t lose with him in there taking politicking to new lows.”

Evidently Adelson was dead wrong.

Speaking of Karl Rove, he picked up an award of his own—Most Despised Leader—by the supporters of his Super PAC, American Crossroads. Seems a majority of the people who gave money to Rove to spend on this year’s election are re-thinking their own investments in the losing campaign of not only Mitt Romney but other big losers, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, the two Senate hopefuls who had problems keeping their misogynistic thoughts to themselves.

“To make a long story short, the losers made the losers winners,” said Howard while discussing Adelson’s less than adept handling of money. Howard claims he shipped a gold-plated trophy in the likeness of a Monopoly $500 bill to Adelson in time for Hanukkah.

In related news, Donald Trump, unhappy that he didn’t make it to the top of the losers list, announced yesterday that he is firing his financial adviser, his campaign adviser, and vows to never again play Monopoly with his grandchildren. 

PolitiFacts reports that Trump did not, as previously reported, fire his hair stylist.

Donald Trump Dons Blackface to Prove He is Not Racist

Donald Trump decided to pull out all the stops to put to rest once and for all the ridiculous notion that he is a racist. Scheduled to speak before a group of business leaders at his alma mater, Wharton School of Business in Philadelphia, Trump stepped onto the stage donning traditional blackface.

The first words out of his mouth were “I love the blacks.” The crowd sat in stunned silence as Trump then did what no other white presidential hopeful has done in the history of the United States. He stepped away from the podium and started to tap dance to the tune of “Mr. Bojangles.”

As the music came to an end, Trump walked back to the podium and gave a speech no one in the room will possibly forget for the remainder of their lives. “Yes, folks, I love the blacks and anyone who says I don’t can kiss my lily-white ass.”

“The same goes for the Jews,” he said. Trump went on to claim that he doesn’t apologize a bit for hiring only Jewish accountants. “Folks, if you want real ham, you don’t try and make it from a turkey, do you?”

Most of the business people in attendance were not the least bit offended by what they perceived as Donald Trump’s very real affection for the minorities he spoke about. “He didn’t get where he is by cottoning to people’s feelings,” said a close friend in attendance at the conference.

Trump finished up by telling everyone that while he is pretty accepting of all peoples, he did admit he had a problem with the Chinese. “Those bastards I don’t trust,” he said. “Although, I have to admit, I won’t send my laundry to anyone else. They really know how to get my whites the whitest.”

Donald Trump Puts Glass House on Market

Yet another indication that Donald Trump is absolutely serious about running for President is the fact that he has just listed his all-glass NY mansion for sale this weekend.

The home, a stunning 8 bedroom, 9-1/2 bathroom home is one of the most unusual homes in the older, reserved neighborhood of Old Wesbury, NY. Boasting “more windows than a cathedral,” Trump is allegedly selling the property due to recent events that he says could very well bring harm to his property, a prediction made a long, long time ago by his grandmother.

“Donny, dear, it’s no coincidence that you’ve built a home constructed almost entirely of glass situated on Stone Throw Way,” Trump recalls his granny telling him over twenty years ago, admonishing him for taking chances that were unnecessary. “I remember her saying to me ‘You are a dear sweet boy, but couldn’t you build the damn house out of bricks or wood like everyone else? Does it really have to be a glass house?’”

Trump says that until recently, he hadn’t given the house a thought as he’s always loved looking at himself in the reflection of all that glass. But now that he’s appointed himself the chief of the truth squad against the President, he’s not willing to take any unnecessary chances of having the home destroyed. “I think old granny might have been right after all. I’m gonna get rid of the glass house asap,”

said Trump.

The home is listed for $2,675,000, and the realtor is throwing in a lifetime supply of Windex as an incentive to move the home quickly. So far the only person interested in the property is Glenn Beck who, like Trump, gravitates toward glass and stone.

President Obama Offers up Authentic Treasure Map to Throw Off Birther Scent

The quest for definitive evidence that Barack Obama was born (or not born) in the United States is heating up once again. This time, it is millionaire Donald Trump (or billionaire if you’re asking Trump himself) who is leading the scavenger hunt. Tired of all of the hubbub about where he was born, the President is finally taking matters into his own hands by offering up an authentic treasure map to throw Trump off the birther scent.

The Donald has been all over the airwaves bragging that he will have the proof he and the rest of the birthers are looking for soon enough to prove once and for all Barack Obama does not meet the residency requirements to be President of the United States. Not since Geraldo Rivera hyped the much-anticipated opening of Al Capone’s Vault has America been treated to this level of hyperbole. Everyone, including those who are repulsed by the thought of anyone going to such lengths to discredit our own President, are giving Trump an over-abundance of attention whether he deserves it or not.

While the President is confident that Mr. Trump will meet with the same failure as others that have gone before him on the same holy grail-type quest, he does worry that the Donald may use some of his millions (or billions depending on who you ask) to buy a fake Kenyan birth certificate that is more authentic looking than the Hawaiian one.

Fortunately, Obama possesses the one thing that will throw Trump off the birther scent, i.e. an authentic treasure map showing the exact location of what Obama calls “the mother of all treasure chests buried right in the back yard of the home I was born in.” Obama’s supporters never wavered in their belief that Obama is telling the truth, but now, with the treasure map, they claim that the path to re-election remains very strong.

“We have to admit, we were a bit worried when the Donald appeared on “The View” and couldn’t be forced to stomp off the stage like so many Obama-haters before him,” said Harmony Driggers, co-chairman of the San Francisco chapter of the Keep Obama President movement. “I mean, I watched that segment and you couldn’t pry the guy off the stage if you tried. He was very adamant. I have to admit that it was worrisome. At least, it was worrisome until this treasure map suddenly emerged. Mr. Obama never ceases to amaze us.”

Ironically, the treasure map places the location of the treasure, which is reportedly valued in the hundreds of millions (enough to push Trump truly into the billionaire realm), just outside the back door of the home where Barack Obama’s mother lived at the time of his birth. “We obviously know that Donald Trump can’t resist a good treasure hunt, whether the actual treasure is there or not,” said Obama as he and his family headed off on an unscheduled trip to Hawaii for, what he called, “another little trip back home.”

Donald Trump Offers $1M Reward for Proof of Obama’s Birthplace

Donald Trump is tired of people coming down hard on him for something he strongly believes in, i.e. making the President of the United States answer to his whims. Trump says he’s not used to anyone telling him he can’t do something and it is this reason alone that spurs him on to put pressure on the President of the United States to personally fly to New York and show him (Trump) his original birth certificate.

However, Trump realizes this may never happen and so he’s working on the next best thing—getting his hands on a copy of the original birth certificate, which he claims will prove once and for all that President Barack Hussein Obama was born in Iraq.

That’s right, Trump believes that Barack O’bama is an Iraqi citizen. “’How can I be so sure’ you ask?” asked Trump of the reporter following this story. “Well, I’ll tell you. His middle name is Hussein. Now any idiot knows that Saddam Hussein was from Iraq. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make that equation work.” He then added, “And for the record, yes, I know Iraq isn’t a part of Africa, but it’s pretty damned close.”

In fact, Trump is so sure that Barack Obama is an Iraqi that he is putting up a cool $1M to the first person that shows him the authentic birth certificate from Iraq. “I won’t be satisfied,” said Trump “until I turn that sucker over and see those tiny little footprints on the back. I’ve got my own personal pedologist (footprint expert) already on board to match the little feet with the big feet.”

Trump was asked how he happened to be in possession of a set of President Obama’s existing footprints. He replied, “That’s my business,” then turned to his assistant. “Jessica, get me Dog the Bounty Hunter in Hawaii on the phone. I need him to get me those footprints he picked up in Oahu last January, stat.”