Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing

The White House announced yesterday, that the "you're fired" bo$$, Donald J. Trump, was ranting about how bored he is with all the talk about people's lives in the balance, do gooders, strikes, furloughs, whiny workers, and the general lack of attention he has been getting lately.

{paraphrasing} "I mean seriously? We are more concerned about government employees not getting paid than how I look on camera?" According to unnamed (Deep State) reporters, if he had to be the boss all the time, he might as well take advantage of the down time (due to government shutdown at the time of this writing)…to have some fun for a change.

Plans are being readied to recreate an authentic Roman toga party to include grapes, "those scarf dancers," per DJT, and enough fast food to choke a Trojan horse. In addition to the main party, a separate room is being readied for 'extracurricular' activities to coincide with the *yawn* toga party.

When word got out that the extracurricular activity was actually assigned code word: "Pee-Pee," party planners were confused.

Said one: "Does the toga party involve parts of Donald J. Trump being nude, as in wee-wee pee-pee? Or are we actually providing various liquids to be drank in high quantities so that hired ladies can pee on cue?" So far, the White House has not responded to requests for additional information, Trump has tweeted not too long ago that "anyone who doesn't understand the word play, especially with the word fore in front of it, doesn't know how to balance business with pleasure." and added "That's what I am here fore. Trust me, the orgy and list of attendees will be kept a secret"

MSNBC correspondents covering the White House confirmed several sources as confirming the confirmation that there would absolutely be a toga party in the very near future. No further information, other than (1) the possible names of two scarf dancers, Shak-Shak and Boo-Tea, and (2) and a list of possible names of elite invitees to the super secret event known as the PeePee Party, or Pee Pee Pee for short. Ok, the visuals, I get it. Let's move on.

MSNBC reached out to Stormy Daniels and her attorney, Michael Avenatti about the toga party. While Avenatti simply stated, "I already have an audio/visual tape of the Orgy," his client, Stormy Daniels, declined to comment whether or not she was invited to the sordid soiree and whether or not she would be attending. When told that the answer to both of those questions was the same answer, yes or no, she responded "ey, semantics."

When caught in the hallway of the Senate, Mitch McConnell was asked if he knew about the planned party and what he thought of an Orgy in the White House. McConnell responded "Not now. I need to get my sheets (er…suit) out of the cleaner."

In a related story, several elite Republican lawmakers have been caught pilfering an invitation written in crayon from D. Trump to Mike Pence asking he RSVP to the Toga Party at once. One lawmaker was caught off camera saying

"Pence? Are you serious? Invite him and he will bore the hell out of everyone there.. he'll bring the whole place down. I had dinner with him once. Never again. That guy is an a-number one buzz kill, and he is one Pee we don't need at our party."

BREAKING NEWS! Donald J Trump has just announced he would be willing to attend the next Correspondent's Dinner AND his own State of the Union Speech, IF he gets the promise of a wall. We'll keep you posted.

Which Dem is Best Candidate to Trump Trump in 2020?

Here's my take on a few of the presidential hopefuls vying for top of the Dem ticket (keeping in mind I will go to the grave regretting Bernie didn't get the nomination in 2016)...)

They say Elizabeth Warren would have a problem winning against Trump. I agree. She is a fighter, no doubt, feisty? You bet. But she sometimes doesn't know how to choose her fights, and when she does get to fighting about something, she almost always does it in a very indignant way, fists clenched either at her side or raised to the heavens as if to say "there will be holy hell to pay if you don't do things my way. So, in that respect, I think she would be able to hold her ground, not fall into a weeping mess whenever Trump decides to deride her some more. And while I'd love for her to be my liberal go to for good old fashioned Republican bashings, I see her maybe lasting to the primaries, but she would not get the nomination.

As for Biden, he is slick, I hand that to him. He is pulling off the kind grandfather role perfectly and comes across as honest as the day is long. And boy can he rock a pair of RayBans. Am I right? I truly like the guy and, under normal circumstances, might even be willing to give him a shot at President. However, that said, he is still hurting from his son's death, which gives Trump the upper hand with snide remarks, put downs, nasty nicknames, and generally bullying this nice man who could run circles around Trump in the humanity department. Those remarks at some point would be too much for Biden I think. Now if we could shorten the primary process to say a day or two with a week of back-to-back political ads to go on so that Trump would have less airtime to bash everyone, then Biden might survive that week. So Biden, for me, is a wait-and-see, maybe. 

Beto. Nice kid. Honestly, he is 1 year younger than my son, so yeah to me, he's a kid. Soooooo freaking nice too. I mean, out of all the candidates I watched who were running for office, Beto was one of my absolute favorites, and I was so unhappy he lost the election. Now, his political opponents sometimes make a deal out of his nickname "Beto." He is 4th generation Texan with an Irish heritage. He was born, and grew up, in El Paso so basically, the Mexicans there, because he was 4th generation, probably kind of grandfathered him into the Hispanic community. That is a huge plus seeing as the entire country is so polarized over the whole immigration issue which, by the way, is nowhere near getting resolved but only getting worse by the minute. But I digress. Beto, nice kid. Might even be best one to look Trump in the eyes as he (Beto) is 6'4". A lot could get done just with the staring contests the two could have at debates. Not a word spoken, just stare until one of them cracks. My bet to win is on Beto. But I digress anew.

If Beto was chosen to run on the Democrat ticket, then I would vote for him, but I'm not making any promises until I see who else is running and watch the million debates that will no doubt be scheduled right after Beto, Biden, Bernie, Liz, Kamala, Cory, Kirsten, Julian (Castro), Sherrod, Dasher, Dancer, Grumpy, Doc, Groot, and a Putin plant, among others, announce they are officially running for President.

Which brings me to Bernie. As said before, Bernie has always been the one who stole my political heart. The newcomers such as Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and Beto, to name a few, are the 1.0 version of Bernie, meaning they are still pretty green. Oh the fight in those young upstarts is impressive as hell. They know what would be good for this country along the very same lines as Bernie. In fact, I'd venture to guess they took a lot of their stuff already from the Bernie playbook. In addition, each one of them brings a freshness to the Democratic party.

However, that said, it was Bernie who brought them out of the shadows and into the lightness of being *politics with a human touch*. From the time Bernie started agitating the masses during his college years to the present moment, that man has never, ever wavered in his message to us, the American people. Bernie didn't ask for huge corporate "gifts" to his campaign as he very well could have due to that insane ruling in Citizens United. Instead, he asked for less than $30 a person to fund his campaign. And it worked. In fact, he still has money in the till to "prime" another campaign for 2020. The message coming from Bernie has always been, more jobs, better-paying jobs, freedom of a woman to choose, education, education, education, healthcare for all and no tax cuts for the rich. Not such a bad message, eh? And as for his ability to stand up to Trump, well, he took a licking from the Dems (I still think they did him dirty), and he kept on ticking. He is largely to thank for all the newbie politicians all over the United States who flipped the House. For all the women who decided it was time to stop playing second fiddle and go for the brass ring. Thank you Bernie. One of his main messages was don't sit there and complain, get involved in every level of government, from city commissioner to mayors and governors. He knows the way to keep a strong, healthy base in place is to start from the ground up. Grassroots all the way, baby. And if I may, I will finish by asking this question "When was the last time you saw a bird land on a podium directly in front of a man (let alone a politician) delivering a message of hope and love?"

So, in conclusion, here is my best estimate of what should happen in 2020:

Create a Triumvirate of Biden, Sanders and O'Rourke and that way I won't have to choose between the three. But we are doing ok with two, you say. Nay, that is called a duumvirate (go ahead look it up), and that just sounds dumb.

Local Woman Obsessed with Making Pancakes

Lois Reiner, from Hoboken, New Jersey, is a woman with one goal in mind--to make a pancake that bears the likeness of someone infamous. Reiner claims there is money to be made on eBay. Big money.

Her short list of who's who, which Reiner says would pull in the most money are Jesus, the Dalai Lama, or even Buddha, but non-religious persons such as Elton John, John Lennon, or even Sarah Palin or Barack Obama, she says, would more than likely net big gains as well.

Asked if she has been successful in her quest, Lois said, "Unfortunately, no, but I did get close once to making a pancake that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ, but upon closer inspection by my husband, Carl, it turned out looking more like a dugged-out hippie. I had to trash that one and quick," she said.

Her husband Carl, seemingly a bit irritated, said this about his wife's obsession,

"From the time she wakes up in the morning to well into the afternoon, Lois is making pancakes. I haven't counted, but I can assure you that we've gone through well into the hundreds of pounds of flour and eggs, not to mention oodles of gallons of milk, for this ridiculous pancake quest she's on."

Lois chimed in, "Yeah, well, you'll be sorry when I make my first million off one of these pancakes and leave your sorry butt behind."

Carl claims he hasn't had a decent breakfast (without pancakes), or lunch for that matter, for about three weeks now, and he's getting fed up (no pun intended).

Lois was asked if she has possibly tried strategically placing a couple of blueberries or chocolate chips in the pancakes to resemble eyes, and she answered "No. My pancakes are the real deal, unadulterated.

"If I did that, I don't think anyone would take me seriously as a pancake artist."

Meanwhile, Lois has admitted that she may have gone overboard with the pancakes, and plans on focusing next week on possibly trying grilled cheese sandwiches.

"I heard that a woman got almost $30K for a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ.

"Hell," said Lois, "for that kind of money, I'm willing to stand in that kitchen from morning to night making grilled cheese sandwiches."

Carl looked heavenward and said, "Thanks, Lord. At least we're moving on to lunch now."

Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

EPA Designates White House a Toxic Waste Site

The EPA today reported that they have started the process of declaring the White House a toxic waste site under its Superfund program. 

Unofficially designating it the Trump Dump, the EPA claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental departments.

"The environment at the White House is highly toxic, and we aren't sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its previous splendor," said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny's.

Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President's staff more than a little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he has enough dirt on the President that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity problem. The close quarters in which each of the President's advisors have their offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one source, likening the smells emanating from the men's room to everything from a dead skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.

Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House . The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New York.

Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs residence of the President.

When asked if there were alternative plans besides declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, "No, not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point," but said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested that may be the only way to save the White House.

Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the President tweeted "EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I didn't? Won't sleep with me. Sad."

Eric Trump Claims Daddy Robbed His Piggy Bank

In a candid sit down with a New York radio host last week, Eric Trump opened up about what life was like growing up in the Donald Trump household.

"I have to tell you, the money and fame wasn't bad, but being around that A-type personality 24/7 wasn't easy," claims Eric.

"Sometimes, it was hard to come down to breakfast because you just knew that if you didn't have your tie on straight or your handkerchief just so in your chest pocket, you were going to catch hell."

Then he chuckled. "Dad hates when I tell this story, but I can't resist. I guess with all the talk about Daddy taking money from my charity made me think of this one thing he did when I was like 8 or 9 years old."

Eric recounted how he heard someone upstairs in his bedroom and what sounded like metal on ceramic.

"I thought, 'no way…somebody is breaking into my piggy bank.' I figured it was probably Don, Jr. looking for some cigarette money. Anyway, I went up to investigate, and I found dad, kitchen knife in hand, trying to jimmy the coins out of my piggy bank. No kidding!"

Turns out, as Eric tells it, the senior Trump had ordered a pizza from Domino's and was short a few bucks to pay the pizza delivery guy, who wouldn't go away, even though the elder Trump told him he was good for the money.

Evidently, this same delivery boy had been stiffed a couple times at the Trump residence and was holding his ground, making it necessary for Trump to break into Eric's piggy bank.

"I'll never forget that image…dad got so flustered at not being able to get the change out fast enough that he ended up smashing my piggy bank with the knife and money flew everywhere. When he saw me standing in the doorway, him on his hands and knees scooping up change, and me yelling 'Dad, what the hell?' well, at the time it wasn't funny, but now, looking back on it, it is just so hilarious."

Eric ended the conversation by saying that for all his faults, his dad was a pretty decent guy.

"I mean, he was pretty great. Like the pizza he ordered…he usually liked his with just mushrooms, but for us kids, he got half with pepperoni. Now to me, that really showed he cared."

Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars

In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from reaching the press, the President issued a mandate that everyone in his cabinet be required to wear a shock collar.

"We are tired of reports of rogue employees," said a WH spokesperson, "but we don't want to lose what few employees we have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze," she said.

"Therefore, effective immediately, the Government Procurements Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump's own words) "a really big shipment of shock collars."

The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendevous seem like child's play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on Bannon's desk from Fern's Fetish Emporium.

The collars must be worn at all times so that anything the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.

While there has been some pushback on the collars from Trump's more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.

However, the collars may be responsible for the drained expressions on the faces of a few of Trump's closest advisors, including Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with cameras and a microphone.

While this move may seem medieval to most, the new administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media. In Spicer's case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.

When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea, Spicer replied: "Yes, master," as he adjusted the tension on his own ill-fitting collar.

Trump Roast to Replace Inauguration to Entice Big Name Performers

It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last minute to perform at the event.

"This was the only way we could get some relatively top names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the inauguration.

While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and hoping for the best.

"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.

So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.

Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr. Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets my ok."

Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball. When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm rich, but who will be our musical talent?"

Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.

Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball, but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place, Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural Balls.

Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.

In other news, it was announced today that immediately following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.

Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD

Trump After Realizing DOD Doesn't Stand for Dept. of Donald

President-elect, Donald Trump resigned as President Monday, shortly after arriving in Manhattan for a  briefing with the Department of Defense. Details are still coming in, but some say the reason for his resignation has to do with a reading assignment he was given shortly before the holiday break.

Mr. Trump was on his way to meeting with the DOD in the wee hours Monday morning when advised by his advisor that he would be required to answer questions relating to the information provided in the top secret briefing memos.

Not one to shirk his responsibilities, the Donald fired off a tweet that said "I know everything. I don't need a briefing to know everything, but I'll go."

About two minutes into the briefing, Trump came out of the room appearing confused and nonplussed. He agreed to a short 20-second press briefing.

"I kept getting these e-mails from the DOD and I wondered, 'why are they calling it DOD?' Then it dawned on me, they must be talking about Department of Donald, and well, I already know what I know so why should I read something that I know I know? But I decided, ok, I'll go just in case there is something they might not know, and need me to clear things up for them."

"Besides," he said, "they always serve the best croissants at these breakfast meetings."

After the Donald spoke, a reporter whispered to Dennis Rodman, who was standing beside Trump waving a N. Korean flag, and Dennis whispered to Trump.

Seemingly unfazed, Trump then announced, "Well folks, it appears DOD stands for Department of Defense. Who knew? You coulda knocked me over with a comb. But that's ok, I'll just resign."

Turning to no one in particular, he added "I can do that can't I? I mean, I don't have to be President if I don't want to do I?"

While the question seemed rhetorical and just a tad elementary, a reporter from NPR, who had been hiding in the back of the briefing room the whole time in order to escape detection by the President-elect, spoke up.

"No, Mr. Almost President, you don't."

How the Trump Stole America

Politics in America had suffered a blow

Americans were fed up with the status quo

Obama did what he could with what given

The red states were mad, they were hellbent and driven

Give us a new leader, give us fresh meat

A guy who knows how to make money and tweet

That's all that they needed, no more and no less

Could that guy be found? It was anyone's guess

Then out from a rock came an orange-shaded man

Whose hair was combed over, his body fake tan

Republicans fell one by one in debate

to his promise of making America great

When down to two choices, the people did cry

Why hadn't we chosen the blue Birdie guy

The choices were pared down--one lady, one man

A woman with balls 'gainst a guy with small hands.

The voters had spoken, and held out the hope

That electors would wise up and see through this joke

There were no more chances, the election was over

America faced a Trump White House Takeover

The folks who had voted the Charlatan in

Didn't know what they bargained for letting Trump win

I'll stop social programs, you'll have nowhere to go

for your handouts, your food stamps, your government dole

Your paydays will dwindle, You'll beg for my mercy

Especially Chris Christie and his goons in New Jersey.

Latinos, and Muslims, and foreigners all

I'll send you a packin' and I'll build a wall

I'll think up new taxes, new tariffs and fees,

Until it's not profitable for the Chinese.

I'll rape the land and cut down all your trees,

Why I'll even deplete all the birds and the bees

Then the President laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I said I would win

You fell for my lies and my fakey false grin

No longer will this be a government for all

My mission's to watch your democracy fall

He finished his tirade by blowing a kiss and said

Thanks for the votes, now you all are dismissed.

©P. Beckert 2016

Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence

Holy Smokes, VA – The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him of having a special knack for untying knots, and thereby giving him an unfair advantage.

Nerves were already jangled when the contest, slated to run two hours, was going into the fifth hour with little less than half the Christmas lights untangled. “The lights were in an awful mess,” said Thomas “Tank” Upshaw, Highest Grand Poobah of the Grandest Lodge in Holy Smokes. “We had the wives in last year to help take down all of the town Christmas lights and decorations and true to form, before anyone could stop them, they had just wadded the lights up in a ball and threw them into a bunch of Hefty lawn and leaf garbage bags. We just figured we could untangle them in plenty of time before the next holiday season rolled around. I guess the time just got away from us, so we came up with the plan to hold a de-tangling contest.”

First prize was a quarter-side of beef from Holy Smokes Butcher Shop. Needless to say, competition was pretty fierce and the fellas were in rare form, cajoling each other and pulling some pretty nasty pranks to get their fellow Elks from winning that prize.

About a two and a half hours into the de-tangling contest, a few of the lodge members had to drop out of the contest, showing outward signs of stress such as muttering expletives and developing nervous facial tics. One contestant, Dale Pistoff, was physically shaking and swearing he was gonna kill his wife when he got home. Several lodge members took him over to the bar and gave him a couple of shots of Old Turkey and were able to get him to calm down enough to promise there wouldn’t be any killing at his house that night.

Just when they got Dale calmed down, someone yelled “put that gun down!” The Grandest Big Old Grand Poobah, Dickie Smurtz, rushed at Harvey Smith, who was pointing a double-barrel shotgun at Houdini. “He’s gonna win this damn contest cause he can get those knots untied quicker than anyone here and we all know it,” said Smith, obviously suffering from severe stress brought on by working on the same knot for more than a half hour. Smith had lost control, got up from the tangled mess and went out to his truck to get his shotgun muttering that was the last knot Houdini was gonna untie.

Smurtz got to Smith just as he was pulling the trigger and caught Smiths’ arm, aiming the shotgun for the roof. “That buckshot sprayed all over the brand new drop down ceiling tiles we just paid $800 to install,” said Smurtz. Luckily, no one was hurt, but the ceiling took a direct hit.

Next thing you know, the cops are hauling Smith off in handcuffs, and the whole Lodge erupted into laughter. Seems when Smith turned around to be led out, his foot got tangled in some lights lying on the floor and he was dragging the whole mess outside with him.

When asked the next day what he thought about all this, the Grandest Big Old Grand Poobah, Dickie, smiled and said, “Well, we now know that a man’s breaking point comes after about five and a half hours of de-tangling Christmas lights. We’ve decided to give up on the whole mess and pass it over to the local Optimists Club, along with the quarter-side of beef. Hopefully, they’ve got what it takes to get the job done in time for Christmas.”

Condom Sales Skyrocket Ahead of Third Presidential Debate

By now, everyone who isn't holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or tvs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald "the Donald" Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton. Americans will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On the one hand, with all that talk about female genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, "wouldn't imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?"

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as hell isn't going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next unwilling victim.

Which doesn't explain the spike in condom sales. The only logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing "the all-time Great Trojan Horse" into the country, we can't help but wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

GOP Up Shitz Creek; Calls in Turd Blossom to Rig Race

It is common knowledge that Donald Trump continues his popularity among the  conservative populace who aren't buying politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a connection here?

While he doesn't like to think of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said. "You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear that from me."

In fact, after that statement, Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen, he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."

More as we get it.

Elizabeth Warren Seeks Professional Help for OCD After Endorsing Clinton

BOSTON - Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute, McLean Hospital, at Harvard Medical School. According to one source, Ms. Warren has not been able to stop showering since she endorsed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party Nominee for President.

"I just don't feel clean anymore," Ms. Warren was quoted as saying as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital.

"I think I need serious help," she wailed.

At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom, and after several minutes in there, an aide went to check on her only to find her sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand trying to scrub her arms and legs.

"There is dirt everywhere," she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.

When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Sen. Warren replied, "Well, I don't really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald."

A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn't do any more harm to herself.

Asked what a possible treatment might be for her, the doctor in charge of her case said it was too soon to tell, but he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.

"We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit."

In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren's condition, he simply said "Elizabeth who?"

Letters from Summer Camp – The Transformations

Wonder if I can swim across without
being noticed

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again when the letters start trickling in from the kids whose parents have shipped them off to camp for the summer. In today’s hectic world, all it takes is one little mistake and the kid you send out as an innocent child could very well come back as, well, an evolved being.

Dear Dad,

A word to the wise. Next time you want to cut corners on something, it might be a good idea not to do it on my summer camp tuition. Seems that “great deal” you got back in April to send me off to camp for two weeks didn’t mention that I’d be shackled to my bunk mate during lockdowns. Here’s a hint…“boot camp” doesn’t really have anything to do with hiking.

Sure, the Adirondacks are nice this time of year; the lake is beautiful. However, the only wildlife I’ve seen so far is my fellow campers taking a swing at their correctional officers and the occasional turf war.

Speaking of arts and crafts, I never knew how many things you could use to fashion makeshift knives, or “shivs” as we jokingly refer to them here at camp. Please send more bars of Ivory and some black shoe polish. Oh, and if you could, a couple of bandannas and some extra large basketball shorts.

Well, I better wrap this up. My bunk mate wants to go for a swim and we’ve almost got the three-legged back stroke down to a science now.

Oh, one more thing…can’t wait to show you my knuckle tattoos. Here I was thinking most swear words had only four letters. Oh the things I’m learning here. You and mom aren’t gonna recognize me when I get home.

See you soon,

Jimmy, aka J-man

Camp Homie-Away-From-Home

Dear Mom,

You know how you thought you were sending me to Science camp this summer so I could be with kids who have the same interests as me?

Well, you are not gonna believe this. I am pretty sure we are now Scientologists. Yeah, who knew? We misread the brochures. I don’t remember it saying anything about brainwashing.

Anyway, I think we still believe in the same God, but not really sure yet. I’ll let you know after I attend a few more meetings with the other disciples.

At any rate, they are treating me really nice here so long as I don’t talk about Jesus Christ being my Lord and Savior. For some reason, that really ticks the counselors off. But don’t worry. They never yell at me, at least not like Pastor Higgins does when he talks about going to Hell and all.

So that’s about it. Oh, by the way, I hope you get this. My big plan is to sneak off to the main road, flag a trucker down and make him promise he won’t tell anyone back at camp that I asked him to mail this for me.

Well, gotta run. We have a late arrival and everyone is simply crawling over each other to get to him first. Hopefully, they won’t miss me for at least a couple hours.

Love and Light,

Heather

Camp Alpha Delphi

Trump Hires Mini-Me to Steal Short Man Vote from Rubio

Accuses Ted Cruz of Lying about his Height

Donald Trump is leaving no stone unturned as he marches his way across the south to declare victory after victory in the upcoming Super Tuesday elections.

Coming off his big win in South Carolina, Trump should feel confident that he has all but sealed his nomination as the GOP candidate for President, whether the Republicans like it or not. However, there is one thing standing in his way, and although it is a little thing, as he puts it, it is still standing in his way…Marco Rubio.

It is pretty much a sure bet that Rubio will be staying in the race and giving Trump a run for his money; and with Rubio being a full 5 inches shorter than Trump, the Don feels that it is just unacceptable. Trump claims Rubio will have an unfair advantage come Thursday, when they will be matched up again on the stage for another debate, because Trump will tower over Rubio making Trump appear aggressive.

"It just won't look good at all," said Trump, who said that in previous debates, before everyone started dropping like flies, there were enough tall and not-so-tall, and downright short men on the stage together that it didn't make much of a difference at all. But now, with a potential match-up looming between himself and one, possibly two (including Cruz) candidates who are considerably shorter than his 6'3", Trump has run into a bump. Trump claims that no one really knows what Ted Cruz' actual height is but claims he is lying when he says he is a tall Texan.

"Going up against anyone shorter than me is gonna make me look like a bully," said Trump, claiming he is the nicest person in the race, adding "you can quote me on that, better yet, I think I'll tweet that right now and quote myself, cause I don't trust you media people."

"Look, here's how I see it. If they put Rubio up there on the stage against a behemoth like me and the voters see that, they might feel sorry for the little fella and vote for him. Sure, some people will vote for me because I am tall and a stupendous Caucasian, but still, some voters may vote for the little guy, you know how wimpy some people can be about always being for the little guy," said Trump with that smirk and shrug he's become so famous for.

"So, I have a solution, he said. "I have the money and the say so, so I've asked my people to find a smaller version of myself, dress him up to look like me, and we'll put him on the stage against Rubio and if need be, Ted Cruz. That way, I'm not going to look like a bully."

Asked what will happen if Hillary Clinton clinches the Democratic nomination and the time comes when he (Trump) and she (Clinton) go head to head in a national debate, Trump responded

"Well, if you are asking me if we are going to find a surrogate woman who looks like me to perform in the debate, then all I can say is, I will do whatever it is, and it will be big, or small, or female, but we will do whatever it is we will do to make sure that I win the election come November.

McDonald's Introduces Healthy Fries. Diners Become Hostile

The hugest fast food restaurant in the fast food business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays..

The food giant took all the suggestions out of the suggestion boxes of hundreds of McDonald's restaurants across America. By far, the most suggestions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating fries with their Big Macs® that were less harmful to their bodies. McDonald's test kitchen chef, Edward "Ed" Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed the healthiest fries on the planet.

The folks who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn't expect. The McHealthy Fries, they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks.

Soon after the first McHealthy Fries®began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in and McDonald's found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. "what constitutes a fry?"

"They got the healthy part right," said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, "but the fry part? Where's the grease?" he said, mocking another big fast food chain.

Chef Ibbles countered with "what part of the word fry is healthy? You're the ones asking for healthy fries. Seriously? If that isn't an oxymoron, then I am Colonel Sanders," to which Deans replied, "Who you calling a moron, moron?"

The fight devolved into fisticuffs with Colonel Sanders, er Chef Ibbles, taken to the hospital with a broken nose.

The fight isn't over. Less than a month after the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald's for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald's has taken the McHealthy Fries® off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than an apple or a carrot.

"We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers, both in the restaurant and those manning the drive-thru windows," said a McDonald's spokesperson known only as Ronald.

"While the 'fries' served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting," he said.

Fruitcake--Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.”

“After about three or four days in them dumpsters, the smell of alcohol was overwhelming,” he said. “I got to thinking that if there’s that much alcohol in that stuff, I wonder if I could squeeze enough fuel out of it to run my lawnmower.” Hadnough admitted that he comes from a long line of Ozark moonshiners and this was just a natural progression for him.

He piled a bunch of the fruitcakes in the bed of his pickup and brought them back home and he’s never looked back. “That was 2 years ago, and I’ve made enough energy to power my lawnmower, my truck, and a 3500 Watt portable generator. The power companies can kiss my ass.”

Asked what he’ll do if companies stop making fruitcake, he answered “hell, that stuff has been around longer than dirt; they’ll keep making it and people will keep buying it, re-gifting it, and then throwing it away. It’s a holiday tradition. I got everyone in town bringing me their used fruitcakes. In fact, one neighbor had fruitcake in her pantry from 1973 on up,” he said. “Gotta love them hoarders.”

The only problem he has is his sister Bertha and her two daughters, Nadine and Earline. They love fruitcake and he’s got to store it before they get to his house for a visit cause they can go through it pretty fast and the energy they create from the stuff themselves, well “let’s just say I could power the generator for a day or two just from Nadine,” he chuckled.

Hadnough is searching for financial backers to fine-tune the crude fruitcake still he developed, and he’s possibly thinking of mass producing the stills for other folks who’ve had enough of high energy prices. “With this here still, err ‘compact combustible fuel extractor’ and about 1,000 fruitcakes a week, I can run my refrigerator and my hot water heater, and the TV just about every day of the week. If I need to run the washer, I just throw a few more fruitcakes in the still and in about 14 hours I’ve got clean, pure Claxtogas (named for the famous Claxton Fruitcake Co.)

When asked if this is all he’s working on, Hadnough answered “hell no. I got an idea of pressing used fruitcakes into compressed logs to use in fireplaces,” he said smiling. “There’s so much of this stuff out there, it’ll take me years to go through what I already have stockpiled and another Christmas is just around the corner.”

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.