Hillary Clinton Obviously Not Aware Obama Cannot Run for Third Term

Alex Brandon/AP Photo

In case no one has noticed lately, it seems former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has been a bit passive aggressive in her treatment of her former boss, President Obama.

She came at him with both barrels last week, lambasting his skills on the international front and his handling of the Middle Eastern crisis, and then whammo, she starts talking about hugging him when next they meet, and telling the press she really does admire him. Ok, so she states he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to foreign affairs, but is proud of him?

What's up with that? Hormonal changes? Possibly. But honestly, it looks more like she's stuck in perpetual "running for President" mode, trying to cut her own swatch out of the foreign affairs fiasco quilt that is quickly unraveling before our very eyes. But going after the guy whom she needs badly to help her win a possible nomination as Democratic candidate for President certainly begs some kind of explanation. Perhaps she feels confident in the fact that the only other guy who holds sway over the 2016 Democratic primary nominations is her own husband, Bill. With Bill on her side, who needs old Mr. what's his name?

So, what about Bill Clinton, while we're on the subject. Possibly, she is having a tough time with him and subconsciously taking it out on Obama. I mean, look at him (Obama that is). He's successful, his marriage is solid, his kids are way cute. To fill his shoes, which appear to be about a size 13 if not larger, she is going to have to come out of the gate half cocked and loaded for bear, not unlike a certain other female politician from the other party who has not yet made her intentions clear on whether or not to run for the White House herself.

But enough of Sarah Palin already. It is pure conjecture, but it would appear that Hillary Clinton is gunning for Obama to show she can take on the biggest dog in the Democratic pound. Fair enough. What about Elizabeth Warren?

"Oh her!" said Clinton at a recent fundraiser. "I've challenged her to a cookie bake off and she hasn't accepted yet. Guess we know who's afraid of whom now, don't we?"

GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man's job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after President Obama delivered his warmed-over speech about women's rights, yadda, yadda, yadda...higher minimum wage...yadda, yadda, yadda...our commitment to our military...yadda, yadda, yadda...Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda's in all in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama's administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. She gave the reason as being that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage "if you can't beat them, join them" in an attempt to grab a piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria "Vic" Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

"And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions," she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband "for some arm candy," as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man's job, and that is what she did.

"I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I've never looked back," said a victorious Vic.

"And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams."

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers' speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

"Well, sure, I don't care. If women want to be lesbians, I can't really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn't help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider."

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

"Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so," said a fully confident Obama.

Obama Was Already a Winner!

He's still our President and today, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. He's got our backs.

CONGRATULATIONS MR. PRESIDENT!

President Obama Relieved Catholic Cardinal Withdraws Invite to Al Smith Dinner

Update: Dinner went off without a hitch. Both Obama and Romney showed up. While Obama asked for a steak, Romney asked that Obama be burned at the stake. Otherwise, was an uneventful evening.

An invite prematurely sent to President Obama and GOP Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney to attend a traditional dinner hosted by the Archbishop of New York created quite a stir in the Catholic community this past week.

The Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, or Al Smith Dinner for short, is an annual white-tie fundraiser for Catholic charities and usually involves inviting the standing President and his opponent to give keynote speeches at the dinner. The gala offers a comedic respite from the slings and arrows of an otherwise hotly contested Presidential campaign.

This year, however, the Catholics are finding very little to laugh about due to the uproar over President Obama’s mandate on birth control. The Catholic hierarchy is criticizing their leader, Cardinal Dolan, for sending the invitations out before first consulting with them. Upon hearing the news that President Obama accepted the invite, they were livid.

Fortunately, however, misconstructions by the Catholic Church and Obama have seen both parties scrambling to get out of the dinner, and today it was reported that Obama was extremely relieved when he was informed that the dinner invite had been withdrawn.

“Boy, this sure saves me a lot of embarrassment,” said Obama upon learning of the retraction.

Sources close to Obama claim that the President initially read the invitation wrong and thought the Catholic Church was throwing a dinner in honor of legendary soul singer Al Green.

“When I received the invitation, I about fell over,” said the President.

“I thought, now this is just too great. Who knew the Catholic Church and I had the same taste in music? I was already planning what song to sing with Al as a duet. Man, I couldn’t have been happier,” he said smiling.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “Michelle caught my mistake and hit me with the bad news. It was Al Smith, not Al Green, but not before I had already RSVP’d.”

Not wanting to give anyone the wrong idea about his obvious pleasure at being informed of the withdrawal, Obama was quick to say, “Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure this Al Smith guy, whoever he is, is one great fella, but I’m not sure he so special that I could spend a whole evening trying to make funny when my hosts are clearly not too pleased with me right now.”

Obama then added, “We all know how the Donald Trump thing went over at last year’s White House Correspondents Dinner.”

Meanwhile, when Mitt Romney was asked if he had received his invitation to the dinner and whether or not he would be accepting, his response was “Al who?”

National Teacher of the Year Gives Obama A+ in Citizenship

A California teacher was named Teacher of the Year in April and as part of the distinction was flown to Washington, D.C. to receive the award from none other than President Obama.

Wanting only to be known as Mrs. M, the teacher appeared on the Ellen show recently to discuss her trip to the White House. She was asked her impressions of the President.

“Well, first off I’d like to say that he is about as down-to-earth as anyone and a very pleasant man.” 

Mrs. M marveled how she and the President got along so well that at one point they were sharing stories about their children.

“I couldn’t believe it,” she said. “Me and the President, I mean, the President and I, were actually comparing notes about how we are raising our kids…I mean, how awesome is that?”

Ellen agreed that the President was very easy to talk to when Mrs. M then blurted out “Oh and he is really hot. I mean he is tall, has a great smile, is thin…that man has it going on,” then blushed and commented that she probably shouldn’t have said that about the President of the United States, especially with her husband seated behind her at the ceremony.

No, Mrs. M. Calling the President un-American, a Muslim and a Socialist, among other things, is not appropriate. Calling him hot? Most American women would probably agree with you on that one.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Denies Crush on President Obama

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says that rumors about her actually having a mad crush on President Obama are patently false.

In a statement she recently gave at the local Chapter of Single Christians with Spouses, Brewer claims that television psychologist Dr. Phil has her all wrong. She was referring to Dr. Phil’s take on why Brewer refused to attend the dinner being given for the nation’s governors on Sunday.

“Well I’ll be hornswaggled,” said Phil to a television reporter hoping to gain some insight into some of Brewer’s bizarre behavior in recent months toward the President. “She [Brewer] is sweet as honey on the suckle for the President,” he said, stopping just short of declaring that Jan Brewer has the hots for the President.

Asked why Phil would make such a statement when clearly Brewer has shown nothing but animosity at each of her meetings with the President.

“I’m no expert,” he said, “wait, oh yea I kinda am."

"Here’s what’s going on. You remember grade school right?” he asked. “Remember the story about Timmy dipping Peggy’s pigtails in the ink well and turns out he was doing it cause he was sweet on Peggy?”

“Well,” said Dr. Phil, “when I saw Governor Brewer in that picture with her face all up in President Obama’s and her finger wagging in his face, that right there was testament to an unrequited desire to take the man right then and there.”

Asked then why Governor Brewer would miss tonight’s opportunity to be in the presence of the President, Dr. Phil answered “Aw shucks, that’s an easy one,” he said. “She likely can’t stand the thought of Barack Obama being with another woman, i.e. his wife, and I think it would drive Ms. Brewer up the proverbial wall to see them together all lovey-dovey.”

Again, Jan Brewer had no comment, other than to call Dr. Phil a big fat liar, liar pants on fire.

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”

President Obama Plans on Plying Republicans with Liquor to Get Budget Passed

President Barack Obama has just put the finishing touches on a 3.8 billion dollar spending plan and nothing would make him happier than to have the full support of the House and Senate. Unfortunately, the Republicans have no intention of allowing him any chance in hell of getting it passed--uh, especially in an election year. Hello, hello, anybody home?

But Obama knows this all too well and that’s why this time around, he’s playing the proverbial ace up his sleeve to get this deal passed. “I’m gonna send them loads of liquor and a note that says there’s plenty more where that came from,” said Obama at a speech in Tennessee. “I’m pretty darned sure that if I get their ringleader Boehner soused, which won’t be difficult at all to do, it’s just a matter of having him go around and do some pourin’,” said a confident Obama.

Obama hatched the unconventional scheme as he began a tour of a famous whiskey distillery. “All of a sudden it hit me. Rednecks love this stuff. You get a redneck drunk and they do all sorts of crazy stuff. Why, from what I hear, the crazy sons a guns even go fishing for giant catfish with their arms stuck way down into holes in the sides of river banks. So what’s stopping them from getting the bag on and passing my budget?”

Obama says he can remember a time when it took more than whiskey to get a deal done in Washington.

“Money wasn’t just being spent on liquor,” he said. “Lots of women were being hired to help get business done in Washington. Why, during the reign of the D.C. Madam, this town passed so many cockeyed bills, it’s taken us till now to unravel the mess.”

But since wife Michelle has issued a strict “no ho’s in Congress rule,’ the President is content with the liquor and has reportedly ordered a thousand cases of Lynchburg’s finest to have delivered to every member of the Republican House and Senate by Wednesday.

“I should have the signed budget back on my desk by Thursday morning, and if I play my cards right, I can get this thing wrapped up by noon, while the fellas are still sleeping it off,” said a beaming Obama.

Lady Gaga Sings Happy Birthday to President Obama Marilyn Monroe-Style

Friends of Lady Gaga claim they were in awe after receiving news that their famous friend was attending President Obama’s 50^th birthday bash. They weren’t, however, ready for the video showing her very up close and personal song to our nation’s leader.

Ms. Gaga showed up at Chicago’s Aragon Ballroom Wednesday afternoon in her own version of the famous jeweled gown worn by Marilyn Monroe and looked every bit the part right down to her platinum blonde wig and bedroom eyes as she took center stage and belted out the now-famous version of “Happy Birthday Mr. President.”

After the song, Gaga spoke directly to President Obama from the stage, saying, “Sorry, sir, that you had such a rough week. I hope this makes up for some of it,” and with that she went over and gave Obama a peck on the cheek, wished him a Happy Birthday and scurried away in the 10-inch mouse slippers she wore to the event.

Her sultry shenanigans were not lost on the President who later quipped, “I should get shot down in Congress more often.”

White House Hires Dr. Phil to Mediate Debt Ceiling Negotiations

I don't know what the heck he's saying,
 but I'll agree to anything to get him to shut up

What started as a debate between the White House and Republicans on whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling has become one of the largest political standoffs in America’s history.

The whole thing has devolved into a brouhaha, and as a result, the President has finally asked for help from one of the greatest “fix it” guys in the business, Dr. Phil McGraw.

Asked to mediate a settlement in the debt ceiling negotiations, Dr. Phil has been placed in a room with both sides present and strict orders issued that no one leaves the room until a settlement has been reached.

Sources say the President believes that just having to listen to Dr. Phil is enough to push a quick settlement, and although the Republicans have promised to ‘dig their heels in’ and not let anything deter them from their commitment to seeing that President Obama fails at these meetings, it appears this latest move by the President may just be the game changer.

Dr. Phil’s opening statement has been released and gives a good indication of exactly what the both sides are up against in trying to maintain their position:

“First off, let me tell you guys and gals, this ain’t my first debt rodeo, so don’ try and pull the pig outta the slop on my watch.

Ok, let’s get this rig a rollin’. I understand y’all got some scores to settle, and I’m there with ya. But understand that if you can’t settle those scores with your belts set on the same notch as me, then we ain’t gonna get no place no how.

I’ve been a clinical psychologist for more years than you all have been in diapers and let me just say that this type of behavior just ain’t gonna fly that bi-plane alone, you got that?

My lovely wife, who is sitting right over there (points), is one helluva woman, and I can tell you she ain’t gonna let you walk out of this room without a wink and a howdedoo, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s see what y’all’s bellyaching is about and how deep in the doodoo we gotta go to make the positive side of the battery spark.

To Boehner, “Ok John, Let’s get those apple seeds a planted. What are your thoughts on getting this here ceiling painted a neutral color?”

By all indications, there should be a settlement reached any minute now.

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Obama Not Reading Book Upside Down When Bin Laden Killed

It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television.

Same thing with the bombing of the twin towers on 9/11. Almost. Yes, to this day, we ask each other “Do you remember where you were or what you were doing when the twin towers were destroyed?” What sticks in my mind more than anything is the vision of watching then President George W. Bush sitting in front of a group of young children, reading to them from a book that just happened to be upside down. At that moment I knew that George W. Bush knew before any of us exactly what was going down.

I was working in Bradenton, Florida, just about 5 miles up the road from the very school in Sarasota, Florida where our President was when the towers came under attack. I watched the horror unfold on the televisions set up in the game room of the company I worked for while simultaneously looking out the door of the building and up into the sky to watch as Air Force One took off, scurrying our President presumably back toward the nation’s capital, but now knowing he probably wouldn’t be brought there until the danger had passed.

That was almost ten years ago and none of it has blurred. What I remember most, besides the vision of the planes flying into the side of those towers, is that upside down book and the look on George W. Bush’s face. I can’t remember seeing surprise, which actually surprised me and, to this day, still does. There was no reaction whatsoever, just a limp book in his hands as he seemed to be listening to someone telling him something. I remember imagining someone saying to him “Ok, now George, put the book down, get up slowly, and don’t let on that anything is amiss,” or something to that effect.

And then this past Sunday, my first knowledge of the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed came by reading the news online. I immediately turned on the television and the oddest thing came to mind. I’d lay odds President Barack Obama was not reading a book upside down when the deal went down.

Donald Trump Puts Glass House on Market

Yet another indication that Donald Trump is absolutely serious about running for President is the fact that he has just listed his all-glass NY mansion for sale this weekend.

The home, a stunning 8 bedroom, 9-1/2 bathroom home is one of the most unusual homes in the older, reserved neighborhood of Old Wesbury, NY. Boasting “more windows than a cathedral,” Trump is allegedly selling the property due to recent events that he says could very well bring harm to his property, a prediction made a long, long time ago by his grandmother.

“Donny, dear, it’s no coincidence that you’ve built a home constructed almost entirely of glass situated on Stone Throw Way,” Trump recalls his granny telling him over twenty years ago, admonishing him for taking chances that were unnecessary. “I remember her saying to me ‘You are a dear sweet boy, but couldn’t you build the damn house out of bricks or wood like everyone else? Does it really have to be a glass house?’”

Trump says that until recently, he hadn’t given the house a thought as he’s always loved looking at himself in the reflection of all that glass. But now that he’s appointed himself the chief of the truth squad against the President, he’s not willing to take any unnecessary chances of having the home destroyed. “I think old granny might have been right after all. I’m gonna get rid of the glass house asap,”

said Trump.

The home is listed for $2,675,000, and the realtor is throwing in a lifetime supply of Windex as an incentive to move the home quickly. So far the only person interested in the property is Glenn Beck who, like Trump, gravitates toward glass and stone.

President Obama Offers up Authentic Treasure Map to Throw Off Birther Scent

The quest for definitive evidence that Barack Obama was born (or not born) in the United States is heating up once again. This time, it is millionaire Donald Trump (or billionaire if you’re asking Trump himself) who is leading the scavenger hunt. Tired of all of the hubbub about where he was born, the President is finally taking matters into his own hands by offering up an authentic treasure map to throw Trump off the birther scent.

The Donald has been all over the airwaves bragging that he will have the proof he and the rest of the birthers are looking for soon enough to prove once and for all Barack Obama does not meet the residency requirements to be President of the United States. Not since Geraldo Rivera hyped the much-anticipated opening of Al Capone’s Vault has America been treated to this level of hyperbole. Everyone, including those who are repulsed by the thought of anyone going to such lengths to discredit our own President, are giving Trump an over-abundance of attention whether he deserves it or not.

While the President is confident that Mr. Trump will meet with the same failure as others that have gone before him on the same holy grail-type quest, he does worry that the Donald may use some of his millions (or billions depending on who you ask) to buy a fake Kenyan birth certificate that is more authentic looking than the Hawaiian one.

Fortunately, Obama possesses the one thing that will throw Trump off the birther scent, i.e. an authentic treasure map showing the exact location of what Obama calls “the mother of all treasure chests buried right in the back yard of the home I was born in.” Obama’s supporters never wavered in their belief that Obama is telling the truth, but now, with the treasure map, they claim that the path to re-election remains very strong.

“We have to admit, we were a bit worried when the Donald appeared on “The View” and couldn’t be forced to stomp off the stage like so many Obama-haters before him,” said Harmony Driggers, co-chairman of the San Francisco chapter of the Keep Obama President movement. “I mean, I watched that segment and you couldn’t pry the guy off the stage if you tried. He was very adamant. I have to admit that it was worrisome. At least, it was worrisome until this treasure map suddenly emerged. Mr. Obama never ceases to amaze us.”

Ironically, the treasure map places the location of the treasure, which is reportedly valued in the hundreds of millions (enough to push Trump truly into the billionaire realm), just outside the back door of the home where Barack Obama’s mother lived at the time of his birth. “We obviously know that Donald Trump can’t resist a good treasure hunt, whether the actual treasure is there or not,” said Obama as he and his family headed off on an unscheduled trip to Hawaii for, what he called, “another little trip back home.”

Donald Trump Offers $1M Reward for Proof of Obama’s Birthplace

Donald Trump is tired of people coming down hard on him for something he strongly believes in, i.e. making the President of the United States answer to his whims. Trump says he’s not used to anyone telling him he can’t do something and it is this reason alone that spurs him on to put pressure on the President of the United States to personally fly to New York and show him (Trump) his original birth certificate.

However, Trump realizes this may never happen and so he’s working on the next best thing—getting his hands on a copy of the original birth certificate, which he claims will prove once and for all that President Barack Hussein Obama was born in Iraq.

That’s right, Trump believes that Barack O’bama is an Iraqi citizen. “’How can I be so sure’ you ask?” asked Trump of the reporter following this story. “Well, I’ll tell you. His middle name is Hussein. Now any idiot knows that Saddam Hussein was from Iraq. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make that equation work.” He then added, “And for the record, yes, I know Iraq isn’t a part of Africa, but it’s pretty damned close.”

In fact, Trump is so sure that Barack Obama is an Iraqi that he is putting up a cool $1M to the first person that shows him the authentic birth certificate from Iraq. “I won’t be satisfied,” said Trump “until I turn that sucker over and see those tiny little footprints on the back. I’ve got my own personal pedologist (footprint expert) already on board to match the little feet with the big feet.”

Trump was asked how he happened to be in possession of a set of President Obama’s existing footprints. He replied, “That’s my business,” then turned to his assistant. “Jessica, get me Dog the Bounty Hunter in Hawaii on the phone. I need him to get me those footprints he picked up in Oahu last January, stat.”

Man Arrested for Soliciting Prostitution in Hawaii Sting Operation

That headline in itself would garner nothing more than a peek at the article to see if there were any titillating facts to glean from the entire story. But when you are a very close friend to the President, well, it takes on a whole new meaning.

All of a sudden, the world is interested in the case of a male Hawaiian resident who happened to get caught in an undercover sting operation for soliciting the services of a prostitute who, most likely, was an undercover cop. The only reason they are interested in his case is the fact that he’s been a close friend to the President since their high school days.

Although this news is so last week, it’s a given that news teams all over America were busy poring over every bit of information they could get their sticky little hands on to glean anything they could to link President Obama to this fella that just happened to use some poor judgment and decide to “go get him some” outside the home.

But wait, what if the story was a plant to take the average American television viewer’s mind off the fact that America is facing a budget crisis and a potential government shut down? Now that is a story we all can sink our teeth into.

Guess what? This time it didn’t work. The budget crisis still looms and there isn’t one person I’ve asked who can tell me what what’s-his-name’s name is.

O’Reilly and Obama Agree that Glenn Beck is Nuts

President Obama sat down with Fox News Show host Bill O’Reilly in a rare and candid interview that touched on everything from the unrest in Egypt and how it should be handled, the economy and how to achieve a more stable union, and Obama’s thoughts on the 2012 elections. But it was Glenn Beck that really brought the two men together in a meeting of the minds.

In hyping the interview, Bill O claimed that this would be the most watched interview of any in the history of mankind due to the fact that it preceded the Super Bowl and, of course, it was a Fox host interviewing President Obama and not Keith Olbermann, who, O’Reilly couldn’t resist adding “is still unemployed as far as I know, seeing as he never took me up on my offer to be my shoeshine boy.”

In reality, however, early leaks that O’Reilly and Obama would be dissing Glenn Beck on national television and coming to a consensus over his waning mental state seems to have been the big draw all along. Word travels fast especially when Bill O is responsible for self-promotion. Little hints were dropped all during the week preceding the interview. If you were lucky, you’d catch little nuggets like “Be sure to watch Sunday before the game when President Obama and I will sit down and discuss, among other things, the state of Glenn Beck’s mind,” making a play on discussion about the state of the union.

Once the interview was complete and O’Reilly was interviewed himself by reporters, he stated “I admit it. I’m a ratings whore. If it weren’t for the discussion about Glenn Beck’s deteriorating grasp of reality, we may have gotten people to tune in, but after about 5 minutes of discussing Egypt and the economy, they’d be switching over to the pre-game shows and not given us a second look.

“Once again,” claims O’Reilly, “I gotta give props to Glenn Beck. He is the real draw here.” And then he added, “Like it or not.”

Sarah Palin Ran Out of Things to Blame on President Obama Today

[strong]Wasilly, AK[/strong] - Journalists assigned to cover Sarah Palin were stunned today when, fully expecting a new barrage of attacks against President Obama, Ms. Palin simply stated, "I got nothin'."

Of course, that didn't stop her from dredging up old complaints of his handling of everything from health care reform, to the economic crisis, to the illegal immigrant problem, climate control, global warming, gun rights, education, taxes and financial reform. In fact, Ms. Palin claims that she has all but exhausted her attacks on the President for his handling of the oil spill as well. "I've accused him of everything I can think of, including the admittedly lame complaint that he is in bed with big oil and not caring about the wildlife that is being affected by the oil spill, which, by the way, is entirely his fault."

Ms. Palin, however, promised not to keep the news people hanging, vowing to get with her advisers as soon as possible, as well as making a few phone calls to Mr. Murdoch and others, to drum up some more of the same to keep the momentum going.

"You can count on me to be ever vigilant in attacking the President as often and as loudly as I can to make sure that everyone in this country knows what a poor job he is doing as our present leader. As long as there is a Fox News Channel and as long as I am a major contributor, I will be as vocal as I can to fill in any gaps left open by Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck."

With that, she gave her famous wink and said "Don'tcha worry about a thing America. We got it covered."

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.

THIS JUST IN--President Obama Brings Tyra Banks to Tears

Tyra Banks demanded an apology from President Obama today for the hurt and shame he caused her when he declared publicly “Listen up Banks, the American people want their money back.” Banks was watching Fox News when she heard the President say, “My commitment is to recover every single dime the American people are owed by Banks.”

“What money?” cried a tearful Banks. “I don’t owe any money to the American people. Why would the President say such a thing and why is he going to tax me for money I don’t owe?” It was later cleared up when Obama personally called Tyra Banks and explained that it was the big banks that received a taxpayer handout last year, and not her, personally, he was chastising.