Which Dem is Best Candidate to Trump Trump in 2020?

Here's my take on a few of the presidential hopefuls vying for top of the Dem ticket (keeping in mind I will go to the grave regretting Bernie didn't get the nomination in 2016)...)

They say Elizabeth Warren would have a problem winning against Trump. I agree. She is a fighter, no doubt, feisty? You bet. But she sometimes doesn't know how to choose her fights, and when she does get to fighting about something, she almost always does it in a very indignant way, fists clenched either at her side or raised to the heavens as if to say "there will be holy hell to pay if you don't do things my way. So, in that respect, I think she would be able to hold her ground, not fall into a weeping mess whenever Trump decides to deride her some more. And while I'd love for her to be my liberal go to for good old fashioned Republican bashings, I see her maybe lasting to the primaries, but she would not get the nomination.

As for Biden, he is slick, I hand that to him. He is pulling off the kind grandfather role perfectly and comes across as honest as the day is long. And boy can he rock a pair of RayBans. Am I right? I truly like the guy and, under normal circumstances, might even be willing to give him a shot at President. However, that said, he is still hurting from his son's death, which gives Trump the upper hand with snide remarks, put downs, nasty nicknames, and generally bullying this nice man who could run circles around Trump in the humanity department. Those remarks at some point would be too much for Biden I think. Now if we could shorten the primary process to say a day or two with a week of back-to-back political ads to go on so that Trump would have less airtime to bash everyone, then Biden might survive that week. So Biden, for me, is a wait-and-see, maybe. 

Beto. Nice kid. Honestly, he is 1 year younger than my son, so yeah to me, he's a kid. Soooooo freaking nice too. I mean, out of all the candidates I watched who were running for office, Beto was one of my absolute favorites, and I was so unhappy he lost the election. Now, his political opponents sometimes make a deal out of his nickname "Beto." He is 4th generation Texan with an Irish heritage. He was born, and grew up, in El Paso so basically, the Mexicans there, because he was 4th generation, probably kind of grandfathered him into the Hispanic community. That is a huge plus seeing as the entire country is so polarized over the whole immigration issue which, by the way, is nowhere near getting resolved but only getting worse by the minute. But I digress. Beto, nice kid. Might even be best one to look Trump in the eyes as he (Beto) is 6'4". A lot could get done just with the staring contests the two could have at debates. Not a word spoken, just stare until one of them cracks. My bet to win is on Beto. But I digress anew.

If Beto was chosen to run on the Democrat ticket, then I would vote for him, but I'm not making any promises until I see who else is running and watch the million debates that will no doubt be scheduled right after Beto, Biden, Bernie, Liz, Kamala, Cory, Kirsten, Julian (Castro), Sherrod, Dasher, Dancer, Grumpy, Doc, Groot, and a Putin plant, among others, announce they are officially running for President.

Which brings me to Bernie. As said before, Bernie has always been the one who stole my political heart. The newcomers such as Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and Beto, to name a few, are the 1.0 version of Bernie, meaning they are still pretty green. Oh the fight in those young upstarts is impressive as hell. They know what would be good for this country along the very same lines as Bernie. In fact, I'd venture to guess they took a lot of their stuff already from the Bernie playbook. In addition, each one of them brings a freshness to the Democratic party.

However, that said, it was Bernie who brought them out of the shadows and into the lightness of being *politics with a human touch*. From the time Bernie started agitating the masses during his college years to the present moment, that man has never, ever wavered in his message to us, the American people. Bernie didn't ask for huge corporate "gifts" to his campaign as he very well could have due to that insane ruling in Citizens United. Instead, he asked for less than $30 a person to fund his campaign. And it worked. In fact, he still has money in the till to "prime" another campaign for 2020. The message coming from Bernie has always been, more jobs, better-paying jobs, freedom of a woman to choose, education, education, education, healthcare for all and no tax cuts for the rich. Not such a bad message, eh? And as for his ability to stand up to Trump, well, he took a licking from the Dems (I still think they did him dirty), and he kept on ticking. He is largely to thank for all the newbie politicians all over the United States who flipped the House. For all the women who decided it was time to stop playing second fiddle and go for the brass ring. Thank you Bernie. One of his main messages was don't sit there and complain, get involved in every level of government, from city commissioner to mayors and governors. He knows the way to keep a strong, healthy base in place is to start from the ground up. Grassroots all the way, baby. And if I may, I will finish by asking this question "When was the last time you saw a bird land on a podium directly in front of a man (let alone a politician) delivering a message of hope and love?"

So, in conclusion, here is my best estimate of what should happen in 2020:

Create a Triumvirate of Biden, Sanders and O'Rourke and that way I won't have to choose between the three. But we are doing ok with two, you say. Nay, that is called a duumvirate (go ahead look it up), and that just sounds dumb.

EPA Designates White House a Toxic Waste Site

The EPA today reported that they have started the process of declaring the White House a toxic waste site under its Superfund program. 

Unofficially designating it the Trump Dump, the EPA claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental departments.

"The environment at the White House is highly toxic, and we aren't sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its previous splendor," said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny's.

Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President's staff more than a little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he has enough dirt on the President that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity problem. The close quarters in which each of the President's advisors have their offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one source, likening the smells emanating from the men's room to everything from a dead skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.

Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House . The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New York.

Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs residence of the President.

When asked if there were alternative plans besides declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, "No, not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point," but said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested that may be the only way to save the White House.

Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the President tweeted "EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I didn't? Won't sleep with me. Sad."

Trump Roast to Replace Inauguration to Entice Big Name Performers

It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last minute to perform at the event.

"This was the only way we could get some relatively top names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the inauguration.

While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and hoping for the best.

"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.

So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.

Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr. Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets my ok."

Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball. When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm rich, but who will be our musical talent?"

Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.

Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball, but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place, Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural Balls.

Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.

In other news, it was announced today that immediately following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.

Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD

Trump After Realizing DOD Doesn't Stand for Dept. of Donald

President-elect, Donald Trump resigned as President Monday, shortly after arriving in Manhattan for a  briefing with the Department of Defense. Details are still coming in, but some say the reason for his resignation has to do with a reading assignment he was given shortly before the holiday break.

Mr. Trump was on his way to meeting with the DOD in the wee hours Monday morning when advised by his advisor that he would be required to answer questions relating to the information provided in the top secret briefing memos.

Not one to shirk his responsibilities, the Donald fired off a tweet that said "I know everything. I don't need a briefing to know everything, but I'll go."

About two minutes into the briefing, Trump came out of the room appearing confused and nonplussed. He agreed to a short 20-second press briefing.

"I kept getting these e-mails from the DOD and I wondered, 'why are they calling it DOD?' Then it dawned on me, they must be talking about Department of Donald, and well, I already know what I know so why should I read something that I know I know? But I decided, ok, I'll go just in case there is something they might not know, and need me to clear things up for them."

"Besides," he said, "they always serve the best croissants at these breakfast meetings."

After the Donald spoke, a reporter whispered to Dennis Rodman, who was standing beside Trump waving a N. Korean flag, and Dennis whispered to Trump.

Seemingly unfazed, Trump then announced, "Well folks, it appears DOD stands for Department of Defense. Who knew? You coulda knocked me over with a comb. But that's ok, I'll just resign."

Turning to no one in particular, he added "I can do that can't I? I mean, I don't have to be President if I don't want to do I?"

While the question seemed rhetorical and just a tad elementary, a reporter from NPR, who had been hiding in the back of the briefing room the whole time in order to escape detection by the President-elect, spoke up.

"No, Mr. Almost President, you don't."