Real Reason Uber Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station

Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

Most chalk it up to just that, greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as The Closet, the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. A date no one is now sure of since the Mayans let us down.

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

No more is known about the PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle and who needed the information to find out where to show up once the Apocalypse was upon us to travel to the space station his billions were going toward building.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the uber rich to finance this project, but so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be. 

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years, which is highly possible due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue. 

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of dollars are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars, more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well when constituted.

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.

American Cities Allowing Pigeon Shoots for Poorest Families this Thanksgiving

Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of pigeons soiling the cities’ sidewalks and advising them to cook the birds in place of turkeys this year for Thanksgiving.

Even though turkey prices haven’t changed much since last year and are, in fact, a bit cheaper this year, due to the reduction in benefits received by millions of families under the food stamp program beginning the 1^st of this month means many families will have to forego the traditional Thanksgiving meal this year. Interestingly, the average amount an individual food stamp recipient will now receive is $11 less per month, which just happens to amount to the average price of a turkey large enough to feed a family of 4-6.

“While we should be ashamed of the fact that our poorest citizens are having to scramble to feed their families overall, let alone, provide a nice meal on Thanksgiving day,” said George Rosevelt, City Manager of Chicago, Illinois, “the fact of the matter is, the cut in the food stamp program beginning November 1st has sent a clear message to the hungry.”

“Which is?” asked a reporter from Fox News, sent to cover the story.

Rosevelt went on to explain a program he and managers from other larger cities around the country came up with when they learned of the cuts scheduled to take place in the food stamp program.

“We could not, in all good conscience, leave our poorest citizens out in the cold without some sort of coping mechanism to deploy in order to provide sustenance for their family units during one of the most revered holidays this country enjoys. While barnstorming many ideas, one city manager came up with the idea of allowing a day of squab hunting for citizens who could show a need for some type of alternative protein for the holidays.”

Rosevelt stated that other animals were mentioned in the meeting to meet a minimum in dietary guidelines according to the USDA, including squirrels, whose numbers also present a problem for most cities. However, seeing as the Thanksgiving holiday is centered around a bird, the pigeons got an immediate yes vote from an overwhelming majority of those managers in attendance.

“That, and the fact that when you mention pigeon for dinner, it sounds so awful, but fortunately, when you use the word ‘squab,’ well, it seems almost as if we are allowing poor families to dine one day out of the year like the wealthy.”

When asked if the governance of these cities could exert some pressure on Congress to reverse the cut in food stamps for the poorest, especially during the holiday season, Rosevelt replied that was never a consideration.

“You can’t fight City Hall,” he replied, using the age-old adage in a ‘turnabout is fair play’ sort of way, to indicate that even in light of the dire situation his city’s poorest face, he still has the ability to find some humor in the tragedy unfolding across America. 

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg joined the ranks of the uber rich, he’s been receiving free offers from businesses across the economic spectrum. From free Crazy Combos® for life from Little Caesars to brand new top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances for his kitchen, Zuckerberg can’t seem to stop the flow of free merchandise to his home.


The latest bargain Zuckerberg received was a sweet financing deal from his bank--a 1.05% refinancing rate on the mortgage for his home in Palo Alto, California. While many Americans are struggling to get a half-way decent refinancing rate just in order to keep their homes out of foreclosure, Zuckerberg is the recipient of one of the lowest rates ever to be given to a homeowner. But the refinance rate and all the other goodies he’s received do not come without a hefty price.


Zuckerberg has been receiving threatening calls on his cell phone that have left him and his wife a bit baffled and bewildered. Many of us would believe the phone calls are coming from poor people who are sick and tired of being charged premium rates while the rich get away with record low deals, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.


In actuality, the calls are coming from some of the richest people in the country. Evidently, Zuckerberg is the victim of ‘free luxury-item envy,’ a very real occurrence in the wealthiest of circles. News of the low interest rate (possibly the lowest to ever be offered to a rich guy) has other business magnates green with envy.


Upon hearing the news of the record low rate Zuckerberg received, Donald Trump, who has never been offered an interest rate lower than 2.875% in all the years he’s been buying up real estate, was said to be furious. 


“Since when does some little startup punk get a better interest rate than me?” asked Trump when told of Zuckerberg’s good fortune. But when he realized the refinance rate was adjustable, Trump settled down. 


“Well, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a whole different story,” said Trump, who claims he’s locked in at 3.75% on most of his properties. 


“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” said Trump. “It’s a fixed rate. Thirty-year fixed. Just wait’ll the interest rates start climbing again. Then we’ll see who’s the smart guy.”


Meanwhile, Zuckerberg can’t take it, or in this case, receive it, anymore and is begging the businesses to please stop sending him free stuff. 


“You are going to get me killed,” Zuckerberg was overheard telling an Aston Martin dealer in Palo Alto after offering him (Zuckerberg) a vintage automobile worth a small fortune, free of charge, no strings attached.  Zuckerberg’s Japanese gardener, who has yet to convince Zuckerberg he doesn’t want any pay for the work he does at Zuckerberg’s estate, claims he overhears a lot of the phone calls and believes that Zuckerberg is, indeed, scared to answer the phone anymore.


“He told me right after he got the mortgage reduced, he said ‘Kim Lee, you don’t know how hard it is being rich.’ I told him ‘Yes, Mr. Z, maybe not, but if you want me to take your place, you just ask, boss.  I’ll do it for nothing.’”

Bohemian Grove Gathering to Include Makeovers and Pillow Fights

The secret is out. This weekend the most powerful and influential men in the country will gather in secrecy (well, before everyone knew about it) in an encampment located in Monte Rio, California to embrace their ability to do, say, and eat anything they desire. To, in effect, act out their most basal desires without fear of retribution from the outside world.


While drum circles, sadistic rituals, and pissing contests are a given on the agenda, this year the guys have decided to add some new activities that will surely appeal to the feminine side of some of the attendees. 


“This weekend has always been about letting go of our inhibitions and doing unmentionable things we could never get away with in public,” said Bartholomew Hollingsworth, one of the hosts of the Bohemian Grove gathering. 


“This weekend, we are really pushing the envelope and including activities for the members of our group who want to embrace their feminine side but are hesitant to do so for fear of facing public scrutiny.” 


The new activities will include fashion and cosmetic makeovers, body painting, mud bathing and, when the sun sets, pillow fights. Up until this year, all of the activities planned were centered around men and their masculinity. Dog fights, hazing rituals including red-hot pokers and bloodletting were, and still are, practiced, but some of the members began to feel left out. 


“I wanted so much to fit in,” said Reginald Berringer, a billionaire from Round Hill, North Greenwich, Connecticut, “but I just fainted at the sight of blood, and, while the theatre presentations left me breathless, I couldn’t really get into some of the subjects. I would retire early when they began showing old Chuck Norris films,” he said wistfully.


Berringer says he finally realized that if something didn’t change, he wouldn’t be participating in future events. Hollingsworth heard those complaints loud and clear and this year decided to do something about it. 


“We’ve hired some of the best make-up artists and fashion stylists in the country to come in on our dime and give our guests complete makeovers. They will bring with them some of the most beautiful gowns Hollywood has ever seen, and we’ll give those guys whatever they need to make them feel like they are getting the royal treatment,” said Hollingsworth. 


“And then, when the sun goes down and we have drank our last drop of blood from the goblets, we’ve decided a good old-fashioned pillow fight might just be the perfect ending to a perfect day of camaraderie,” he added. 


“After all, this is our weekend to let our hair down, howl at the moon, and allow ourselves the freedoms we can’t possibly condone in the real world,” said Hollingsworth.


“Yes, the times they are a changing,” chimed in co-host Frederick du Champs. 


“Thank goodness this year we’ve done away with the jello wrestling and replaced it with some much-needed microdermabrasions.”

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic. 

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Herman Cain Says Culling the Herds and Closing Cities Answer to America’s Woes

Last week, GOP candidate Herman Cain was asked to speak at a meeting of The Elite Club. He began his speech reiterating his idea that in order to fight the war on illegal immigrants, we must build a fence, electrify it, and put a sign on the Mexican side that says “it will kill you.”

While it is pretty much a foregone conclusion that most Mexicans trying to sneak into the country aren’t able to read a sign in English, we assume that is Cain’s genius at work to get rid of the pesky border hoppers before they reach American soil.

And so, it is no surprise that Cain then remarked that we shouldn’t stop at the borders. “It’s time to get rid of the lazy, shiftless people right here in America who are a drain on our society,” said Cain. “Perhaps we could start by lacing old folks’ oatmeal with poison with the same warning,” he said. “You know, ‘eat this and you might die,’ just print it in really, really small letters.”

“I’m just coming up with these things off the top of my head, so they’ll have to be thought through a little bit,” he said, “but I’m pretty sure getting rid of the folks who don’t really contribute to society any longer will go down well with the wealthy and get me elected,” he said to a very receptive crowd.

One other way Cain said we can reduce the drain on the rich is to totally raze unproductive cities and sell the land to mineral miners. “Take Detroit, for instance,” he said. “It’s sitting on top of millions of dollars worth of salt. Make the whole damn place a salt mine, put some of the riff raff to work, and tell the rest to get the hell out. Build little shacks along the edges of the salt mines and charge the riff raff to pay rent like everyone else, and you got yourself a going concern. Ain’t nothing wrong with big companies making a buck off the sweat of the people,” Cain said to rousing applause.

“We’ll literally make those folks go back to the salt mines.”

Hours later, Cain admitted he was joking. “Of course I didn’t mean it. Salt doesn’t really fetch the kinda dollars coal or natural gas does. We’d have to find a way to close the salt mines and just tell the riff raff to get lost. Then we could dig deeper, maybe look for diamonds or something,” he said. "Then we could go after other cities like Pittsburgh and Buffalo that don’t really contribute half what they would if they were razed and mined for minerals.”

Cain got a standing ovation.