Thursday, May 30, 2019

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Friday, January 18, 2019

Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing

The White House announced yesterday, that the "you're fired" bo$$, Donald J. Trump, was ranting about how bored he is with all the talk about people's lives in the balance, do gooders, strikes, furloughs, whiny workers, and the general lack of attention he has been getting lately.

{paraphrasing} "I mean seriously? We are more concerned about government employees not getting paid than how I look on camera?" According to unnamed (Deep State) reporters, if he had to be the boss all the time, he might as well take advantage of the down time (due to government shutdown at the time of this writing)…to have some fun for a change.

Plans are being readied to recreate an authentic Roman toga party to include grapes, "those scarf dancers," per DJT, and enough fast food to choke a Trojan horse. In addition to the main party, a separate room is being readied for 'extracurricular' activities to coincide with the *yawn* toga party.

When word got out that the extracurricular activity was actually assigned code word: "Pee-Pee," party planners were confused.

Said one: "Does the toga party involve parts of Donald J. Trump being nude, as in wee-wee pee-pee? Or are we actually providing various liquids to be drank in high quantities so that hired ladies can pee on cue?" So far, the White House has not responded to requests for additional information, Trump has tweeted not too long ago that "anyone who doesn't understand the word play, especially with the word fore in front of it, doesn't know how to balance business with pleasure." and added "That's what I am here fore. Trust me, the orgy and list of attendees will be kept a secret"

MSNBC correspondents covering the White House confirmed several sources as confirming the confirmation that there would absolutely be a toga party in the very near future. No further information, other than (1) the possible names of two scarf dancers, Shak-Shak and Boo-Tea, and (2) and a list of possible names of elite invitees to the super secret event known as the PeePee Party, or Pee Pee Pee for short. Ok, the visuals, I get it. Let's move on.

MSNBC reached out to Stormy Daniels and her attorney, Michael Avenatti about the toga party. While Avenatti simply stated, "I already have an audio/visual tape of the Orgy," his client, Stormy Daniels, declined to comment whether or not she was invited to the sordid soiree and whether or not she would be attending. When told that the answer to both of those questions was the same answer, yes or no, she responded "ey, semantics."

When caught in the hallway of the Senate, Mitch McConnell was asked if he knew about the planned party and what he thought of an Orgy in the White House. McConnell responded "Not now. I need to get my sheets (er…suit) out of the cleaner."

In a related story, several elite Republican lawmakers have been caught pilfering an invitation written in crayon from D. Trump to Mike Pence asking he RSVP to the Toga Party at once. One lawmaker was caught off camera saying

"Pence? Are you serious? Invite him and he will bore the hell out of everyone there.. he'll bring the whole place down. I had dinner with him once. Never again. That guy is an a-number one buzz kill, and he is one Pee we don't need at our party."

BREAKING NEWS! Donald J Trump has just announced he would be willing to attend the next Correspondent's Dinner AND his own State of the Union Speech, IF he gets the promise of a wall. We'll keep you posted.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Which Dem is Best Candidate to Trump Trump in 2020?

Here's my take on a few of the presidential hopefuls vying for top of the Dem ticket (keeping in mind I will go to the grave regretting Bernie didn't get the nomination in 2016)...)

They say Elizabeth Warren would have a problem winning against Trump. I agree. She is a fighter, no doubt, feisty? You bet. But she sometimes doesn't know how to choose her fights, and when she does get to fighting about something, she almost always does it in a very indignant way, fists clenched either at her side or raised to the heavens as if to say "there will be holy hell to pay if you don't do things my way. So, in that respect, I think she would be able to hold her ground, not fall into a weeping mess whenever Trump decides to deride her some more. And while I'd love for her to be my liberal go to for good old fashioned Republican bashings, I see her maybe lasting to the primaries, but she would not get the nomination.

As for Biden, he is slick, I hand that to him. He is pulling off the kind grandfather role perfectly and comes across as honest as the day is long. And boy can he rock a pair of RayBans. Am I right? I truly like the guy and, under normal circumstances, might even be willing to give him a shot at President. However, that said, he is still hurting from his son's death, which gives Trump the upper hand with snide remarks, put downs, nasty nicknames, and generally bullying this nice man who could run circles around Trump in the humanity department. Those remarks at some point would be too much for Biden I think. Now if we could shorten the primary process to say a day or two with a week of back-to-back political ads to go on so that Trump would have less airtime to bash everyone, then Biden might survive that week. So Biden, for me, is a wait-and-see, maybe. 

Beto. Nice kid. Honestly, he is 1 year younger than my son, so yeah to me, he's a kid. Soooooo freaking nice too. I mean, out of all the candidates I watched who were running for office, Beto was one of my absolute favorites, and I was so unhappy he lost the election. Now, his political opponents sometimes make a deal out of his nickname "Beto." He is 4th generation Texan with an Irish heritage. He was born, and grew up, in El Paso so basically, the Mexicans there, because he was 4th generation, probably kind of grandfathered him into the Hispanic community. That is a huge plus seeing as the entire country is so polarized over the whole immigration issue which, by the way, is nowhere near getting resolved but only getting worse by the minute. But I digress. Beto, nice kid. Might even be best one to look Trump in the eyes as he (Beto) is 6'4". A lot could get done just with the staring contests the two could have at debates. Not a word spoken, just stare until one of them cracks. My bet to win is on Beto. But I digress anew.

If Beto was chosen to run on the Democrat ticket, then I would vote for him, but I'm not making any promises until I see who else is running and watch the million debates that will no doubt be scheduled right after Beto, Biden, Bernie, Liz, Kamala, Cory, Kirsten, Julian (Castro), Sherrod, Dasher, Dancer, Grumpy, Doc, Groot, and a Putin plant, among others, announce they are officially running for President.

Which brings me to Bernie. As said before, Bernie has always been the one who stole my political heart. The newcomers such as Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and Beto, to name a few, are the 1.0 version of Bernie, meaning they are still pretty green. Oh the fight in those young upstarts is impressive as hell. They know what would be good for this country along the very same lines as Bernie. In fact, I'd venture to guess they took a lot of their stuff already from the Bernie playbook. In addition, each one of them brings a freshness to the Democratic party.

However, that said, it was Bernie who brought them out of the shadows and into the lightness of being *politics with a human touch*. From the time Bernie started agitating the masses during his college years to the present moment, that man has never, ever wavered in his message to us, the American people. Bernie didn't ask for huge corporate "gifts" to his campaign as he very well could have due to that insane ruling in Citizens United. Instead, he asked for less than $30 a person to fund his campaign. And it worked. In fact, he still has money in the till to "prime" another campaign for 2020. The message coming from Bernie has always been, more jobs, better-paying jobs, freedom of a woman to choose, education, education, education, healthcare for all and no tax cuts for the rich. Not such a bad message, eh? And as for his ability to stand up to Trump, well, he took a licking from the Dems (I still think they did him dirty), and he kept on ticking. He is largely to thank for all the newbie politicians all over the United States who flipped the House. For all the women who decided it was time to stop playing second fiddle and go for the brass ring. Thank you Bernie. One of his main messages was don't sit there and complain, get involved in every level of government, from city commissioner to mayors and governors. He knows the way to keep a strong, healthy base in place is to start from the ground up. Grassroots all the way, baby. And if I may, I will finish by asking this question "When was the last time you saw a bird land on a podium directly in front of a man (let alone a politician) delivering a message of hope and love?"

So, in conclusion, here is my best estimate of what should happen in 2020:

Create a Triumvirate of Biden, Sanders and O'Rourke and that way I won't have to choose between the three. But we are doing ok with two, you say. Nay, that is called a duumvirate (go ahead look it up), and that just sounds dumb.