Saturday, October 7, 2017

X-Fluents Surpass Uber Rich as the Wealthiest People on Earth

They once were called the Uber Rich, the 1 or 2% of the country’s population who possess the bulk of the nation’s wealth. However, many of the wealthiest Americans have held onto so much of their money that they are now known as the X-Fluents.

“They have money coming out of their ears,” claims one financial advisor who refused to give his name. “I can’t come up with enough ways to help them spend it,” he said as he took a phone call from a client asking him to buy two dozen pair of mating minks for the sole purpose of having a coat made as a special Christmas gift for her prized Shih Tzu, Bianca.

Another of the wealthiest in the world, Countess Dorothy de von Schtook, a New York City socialite, was recently spotted alongside her chauffer testing out the new Aston Martin One-77. “Oh dahling, I simply must have at least a week’s worth of these divine Astons for my collection,” said the Countess as she asked the salesperson to “put it on my account, dear.”

Saul Goldenschwanger, a billionaire who made his fortune in the real estate and oil business, said that although he agrees the label of Uber Rich must go, he hates the fact that he will have to spend extra money on having the name on his yacht “Miss Uber Rich” re-painted. “I have no idea if the name X-Fluent is available or if it is even an appropriate name for a sea-going vessel,” said a flustered Goldenschwanger. “I do so hate these minor inconveniences.”

Fortunately, the media has already caught on to the change so that those affected won’t be offended. In fact, Goldenschwanger said he didn’t really care what they called him, “just don’t call me late for dinner,” he mused, proving that he wasn’t really all that upset after all about having his yacht re-christened.

Real Reason Uber Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station
Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

Most chalk it up to just that, greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as The Closet, the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. A date no one is now sure of since the Mayans let us down.

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

No more is known about the PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle and who needed the information to find out where to show up once the Apocalypse was upon us to travel to the space station his billions were going toward building.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the uber rich to finance this project, but so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be. 

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years, which is highly possible due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue. 

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of dollars are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars, more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well when constituted.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Local Woman Obsessed with Making Pancakes

Lois Reiner, from Hoboken, New Jersey, is a woman with one goal in mind--to make a pancake that bears the likeness of someone infamous. Reiner claims there is money to be made on eBay. Big money.

Her short list of who's who, which Reiner says would pull in the most money are Jesus, the Dalai Lama, or even Buddha, but non-religious persons such as Elton John, John Lennon, or even Sarah Palin or Barack Obama, she says, would more than likely net big gains as well.

Asked if she has been successful in her quest, Lois said, "Unfortunately, no, but I did get close once to making a pancake that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ, but upon closer inspection by my husband, Carl, it turned out looking more like a dugged-out hippie. I had to trash that one and quick," she said.

Her husband Carl, seemingly a bit irritated, said this about his wife's obsession,

"From the time she wakes up in the morning to well into the afternoon, Lois is making pancakes. I haven't counted, but I can assure you that we've gone through well into the hundreds of pounds of flour and eggs, not to mention oodles of gallons of milk, for this ridiculous pancake quest she's on."

Lois chimed in, "Yeah, well, you'll be sorry when I make my first million off one of these pancakes and leave your sorry butt behind."

Carl claims he hasn't had a decent breakfast (without pancakes), or lunch for that matter, for about three weeks now, and he's getting fed up (no pun intended).

Lois was asked if she has possibly tried strategically placing a couple of blueberries or chocolate chips in the pancakes to resemble eyes, and she answered "No. My pancakes are the real deal, unadulterated.

"If I did that, I don't think anyone would take me seriously as a pancake artist."

Meanwhile, Lois has admitted that she may have gone overboard with the pancakes, and plans on focusing next week on possibly trying grilled cheese sandwiches.

"I heard that a woman got almost $30K for a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ.

"Hell," said Lois, "for that kind of money, I'm willing to stand in that kitchen from morning to night making grilled cheese sandwiches."

Carl looked heavenward and said, "Thanks, Lord. At least we're moving on to lunch now."