Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Local Woman Obsessed with Making Pancakes

Lois Reiner, from Hoboken, New Jersey, is a woman with one goal in mind--to make a pancake that bears the likeness of someone infamous. Reiner claims there is money to be made on eBay. Big money.

Her short list of who's who, which Reiner says would pull in the most money are Jesus, the Dalai Lama, or even Buddha, but non-religious persons such as Elton John, John Lennon, or even Sarah Palin or Barack Obama, she says, would more than likely net big gains as well.

Asked if she has been successful in her quest, Lois said, "Unfortunately, no, but I did get close once to making a pancake that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ, but upon closer inspection by my husband, Carl, it turned out looking more like a dugged-out hippie. I had to trash that one and quick," she said.

Her husband Carl, seemingly a bit irritated, said this about his wife's obsession,

"From the time she wakes up in the morning to well into the afternoon, Lois is making pancakes. I haven't counted, but I can assure you that we've gone through well into the hundreds of pounds of flour and eggs, not to mention oodles of gallons of milk, for this ridiculous pancake quest she's on."

Lois chimed in, "Yeah, well, you'll be sorry when I make my first million off one of these pancakes and leave your sorry butt behind."

Carl claims he hasn't had a decent breakfast (without pancakes), or lunch for that matter, for about three weeks now, and he's getting fed up (no pun intended).

Lois was asked if she has possibly tried strategically placing a couple of blueberries or chocolate chips in the pancakes to resemble eyes, and she answered "No. My pancakes are the real deal, unadulterated.

"If I did that, I don't think anyone would take me seriously as a pancake artist."

Meanwhile, Lois has admitted that she may have gone overboard with the pancakes, and plans on focusing next week on possibly trying grilled cheese sandwiches.

"I heard that a woman got almost $30K for a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich that bore the likeness of Jesus Christ.

"Hell," said Lois, "for that kind of money, I'm willing to stand in that kitchen from morning to night making grilled cheese sandwiches."

Carl looked heavenward and said, "Thanks, Lord. At least we're moving on to lunch now."

Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

EPA Designates White House a Toxic Waste Site

The EPA today reported that they have started the process of declaring the White House a toxic waste site under its Superfund program. 

Unofficially designating it the Trump Dump, the EPA claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental departments.

"The environment at the White House is highly toxic, and we aren't sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its previous splendor," said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny's.

Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President's staff more than a little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he has enough dirt on the President that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity problem. The close quarters in which each of the President's advisors have their offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one source, likening the smells emanating from the men's room to everything from a dead skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.

Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House . The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New York.

Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs residence of the President.

When asked if there were alternative plans besides declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, "No, not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point," but said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested that may be the only way to save the White House.

Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the President tweeted "EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I didn't? Won't sleep with me. Sad."

Eric Trump Claims Daddy Robbed His Piggy Bank

In a candid sit down with a New York radio host last week, Eric Trump opened up about what life was like growing up in the Donald Trump household.

"I have to tell you, the money and fame wasn't bad, but being around that A-type personality 24/7 wasn't easy," claims Eric.

"Sometimes, it was hard to come down to breakfast because you just knew that if you didn't have your tie on straight or your handkerchief just so in your chest pocket, you were going to catch hell."

Then he chuckled. "Dad hates when I tell this story, but I can't resist. I guess with all the talk about Daddy taking money from my charity made me think of this one thing he did when I was like 8 or 9 years old."

Eric recounted how he heard someone upstairs in his bedroom and what sounded like metal on ceramic.

"I thought, 'no way…somebody is breaking into my piggy bank.' I figured it was probably Don, Jr. looking for some cigarette money. Anyway, I went up to investigate, and I found dad, kitchen knife in hand, trying to jimmy the coins out of my piggy bank. No kidding!"

Turns out, as Eric tells it, the senior Trump had ordered a pizza from Domino's and was short a few bucks to pay the pizza delivery guy, who wouldn't go away, even though the elder Trump told him he was good for the money.

Evidently, this same delivery boy had been stiffed a couple times at the Trump residence and was holding his ground, making it necessary for Trump to break into Eric's piggy bank.

"I'll never forget that image…dad got so flustered at not being able to get the change out fast enough that he ended up smashing my piggy bank with the knife and money flew everywhere. When he saw me standing in the doorway, him on his hands and knees scooping up change, and me yelling 'Dad, what the hell?' well, at the time it wasn't funny, but now, looking back on it, it is just so hilarious."

Eric ended the conversation by saying that for all his faults, his dad was a pretty decent guy.

"I mean, he was pretty great. Like the pizza he ordered…he usually liked his with just mushrooms, but for us kids, he got half with pepperoni. Now to me, that really showed he cared."

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Puffcorn Actual Size

UPDATE: Since purchasing these cheetos, the Donald has been elected and with his inadvertently making cheetos worth a ton of money, Helen has offered up the snack dinosaurs again on E-Bay for $500,000. Anyone interested, please go to E-bay to find the information. Just search for Donald Trump snacks known as the Trump-ets. Good luck.

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her "dinosaur" cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester's Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth's room.

"I've joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth's room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn't too far off the mark," said an elated Crumples.

Since accepting the offer on eBay, Crumples has bought several more bags of the cheesy snack, and has discovered that most of the puffs resemble either dinosaurs or swans.

"The jig is up, I guess," said Crumples unapologetically.

"I sure hate to break the news to the poor woman who bought my collection. She was such a nice old lady and so excited to have been the highest bidder. I just hope she doesn't think I swindled her."

Crumples did some checking and could find nothing in the eBay rules and regulations that says if a seller realizes the item they are selling is not as listed or not worth nearly what was bid, the seller has any obligation to refund a buyer's money.

Helen says she does feel a bit bad about the whole thing, though. In order to make it up to the buyer, Helen is sending a $25 gift certificate to the kindly old woman from Hobby Lobby.

Helen is hoping the woman, who claims to be an artist, might use the gift card to buy some fake palm trees and shrubs to make a nice diorama in which to show off the unique, or not so unique, puffs, which after realizing her mistake, are actually now only worth the $2.00 or so price of a bag of Chester's Puffcorn.

Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars

In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from reaching the press, the President issued a mandate that everyone in his cabinet be required to wear a shock collar.

"We are tired of reports of rogue employees," said a WH spokesperson, "but we don't want to lose what few employees we have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze," she said.

"Therefore, effective immediately, the Government Procurements Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump's own words) "a really big shipment of shock collars."

The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendevous seem like child's play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on Bannon's desk from Fern's Fetish Emporium.

The collars must be worn at all times so that anything the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.

While there has been some pushback on the collars from Trump's more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.

However, the collars may be responsible for the drained expressions on the faces of a few of Trump's closest advisors, including Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with cameras and a microphone.

While this move may seem medieval to most, the new administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media. In Spicer's case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.

When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea, Spicer replied: "Yes, master," as he adjusted the tension on his own ill-fitting collar.

Trump Roast to Replace Inauguration to Entice Big Name Performers

It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last minute to perform at the event.

"This was the only way we could get some relatively top names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the inauguration.

While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and hoping for the best.

"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.

So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.

Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr. Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets my ok."

Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball. When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm rich, but who will be our musical talent?"

Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.

Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball, but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place, Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural Balls.

Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.

In other news, it was announced today that immediately following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.

Condom Sales Skyrocket Ahead of Third Presidential Debate

By now, everyone who isn't holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or tvs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald "the Donald" Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton. Americans will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On the one hand, with all that talk about female genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, "wouldn't imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?"

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as hell isn't going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next unwilling victim.

Which doesn't explain the spike in condom sales. The only logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing "the all-time Great Trojan Horse" into the country, we can't help but wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Letters from Summer Camp – The Transformations

Wonder if I can swim across without
being noticed

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again when the letters start trickling in from the kids whose parents have shipped them off to camp for the summer. In today’s hectic world, all it takes is one little mistake and the kid you send out as an innocent child could very well come back as, well, an evolved being.

Dear Dad,

A word to the wise. Next time you want to cut corners on something, it might be a good idea not to do it on my summer camp tuition. Seems that “great deal” you got back in April to send me off to camp for two weeks didn’t mention that I’d be shackled to my bunk mate during lockdowns. Here’s a hint…“boot camp” doesn’t really have anything to do with hiking.

Sure, the Adirondacks are nice this time of year; the lake is beautiful. However, the only wildlife I’ve seen so far is my fellow campers taking a swing at their correctional officers and the occasional turf war.

Speaking of arts and crafts, I never knew how many things you could use to fashion makeshift knives, or “shivs” as we jokingly refer to them here at camp. Please send more bars of Ivory and some black shoe polish. Oh, and if you could, a couple of bandannas and some extra large basketball shorts.

Well, I better wrap this up. My bunk mate wants to go for a swim and we’ve almost got the three-legged back stroke down to a science now.

Oh, one more thing…can’t wait to show you my knuckle tattoos. Here I was thinking most swear words had only four letters. Oh the things I’m learning here. You and mom aren’t gonna recognize me when I get home.

See you soon,

Jimmy, aka J-man

Camp Homie-Away-From-Home

Dear Mom,

You know how you thought you were sending me to Science camp this summer so I could be with kids who have the same interests as me?

Well, you are not gonna believe this. I am pretty sure we are now Scientologists. Yeah, who knew? We misread the brochures. I don’t remember it saying anything about brainwashing.

Anyway, I think we still believe in the same God, but not really sure yet. I’ll let you know after I attend a few more meetings with the other disciples.

At any rate, they are treating me really nice here so long as I don’t talk about Jesus Christ being my Lord and Savior. For some reason, that really ticks the counselors off. But don’t worry. They never yell at me, at least not like Pastor Higgins does when he talks about going to Hell and all.

So that’s about it. Oh, by the way, I hope you get this. My big plan is to sneak off to the main road, flag a trucker down and make him promise he won’t tell anyone back at camp that I asked him to mail this for me.

Well, gotta run. We have a late arrival and everyone is simply crawling over each other to get to him first. Hopefully, they won’t miss me for at least a couple hours.

Love and Light,

Heather

Camp Alpha Delphi

McDonald's Introduces Healthy Fries. Diners Become Hostile

The hugest fast food restaurant in the fast food business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays..

The food giant took all the suggestions out of the suggestion boxes of hundreds of McDonald's restaurants across America. By far, the most suggestions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating fries with their Big Macs® that were less harmful to their bodies. McDonald's test kitchen chef, Edward "Ed" Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed the healthiest fries on the planet.

The folks who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn't expect. The McHealthy Fries, they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks.

Soon after the first McHealthy Fries®began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in and McDonald's found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. "what constitutes a fry?"

"They got the healthy part right," said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, "but the fry part? Where's the grease?" he said, mocking another big fast food chain.

Chef Ibbles countered with "what part of the word fry is healthy? You're the ones asking for healthy fries. Seriously? If that isn't an oxymoron, then I am Colonel Sanders," to which Deans replied, "Who you calling a moron, moron?"

The fight devolved into fisticuffs with Colonel Sanders, er Chef Ibbles, taken to the hospital with a broken nose.

The fight isn't over. Less than a month after the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald's for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald's has taken the McHealthy Fries® off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than an apple or a carrot.

"We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers, both in the restaurant and those manning the drive-thru windows," said a McDonald's spokesperson known only as Ronald.

"While the 'fries' served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting," he said.

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy to Sell Books

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they've been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn't exist.

"It's a ploy," said Ben Down from Montauk, NY, who admits he spent thousands on self-help, "feel good" books and tapes before realizing it was all a scam.

"I played along for most of my life and look where it's gotten me," he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he now calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Home just a few blocks from where he once lived.

Down and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover off the win-win folks, but they simply don't have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don't have the gumption. 

"Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time," he said, "but just could never get a good grip on 'em and ended up saying the hell with it. Maybe I took that term a little too literally," he said nodding off to sleep, waking up long enough to add "Falderdall," before slumping into a restful nap.

Many others are telling similar stories.

"Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right," said Dee Flayted, "but before I can even get the door all the way open, some snot-nosed kid down the hall slams up against it and smashes it back into my face. Win-win, whatta laugh," she said scornfully.

Flayted says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference.

"Things were going well until someone said to me 'positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?' I chose down."

Said Flayted, "When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner."

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Ed. Note: First published last year around CPAC Convention time.

BOISE, Idaho - Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as "laptop dances." Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

"What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred," said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. When the vote finally came in narrowly in favor of banning the virtual sexual activity on any laptop anywhere in the state of Idaho, Getzless could not contain his anger at his fellow lawmakers.

"Well, folks, there goes Idaho's chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!" he screamed to a packed Senate.

The bill is expected to be signed into law next week.

"I can't speak for the rest of Idaho, but I can say that my own city, Pocatello, has always been known as Smile City, but after today, we will most likely have to change our motto to Grimace City,'" said Getzless, in an overly dramatic post-vote speech.

Getzless says he's going to fight the law by every means possible.

"Pocatello is also known as Gate City," added Getzless, "and if we aren't careful, it's gonna turn very quickly into 'Gay City' after today's vote."

The Senator was asked if that should even be a bona fide argument, as Getzless himself just stated that what a man does in his own home should be sacred. Getzless just stared blankly at the reporter and continued his tirade.

"I believe banning this particular online sex act is just the first step toward making Idaho another Utah," said Getzless.

A quick check of the state statutes shows a fairly new law on the books allowing pole dancing in the privacy of one's home. Asked if he could just get his wife to do a pole dance for him instead of making such a fuss about laptop dancing, the Senator responded, "Have you seen my wife?"

The Senator claims the fight isn't over.

"I think there is a good chance I can sway the opinion of the Governor and get him to veto this bill," he said.

"There ain't but a couple strip clubs in the city of Pocatello, but I'll find a nice decent one and invite his honor to accompany me one evening to see for himself just how important lap dances are."

Asked why he doesn't just invite the Governor to his home to enjoy a laptop dance, Getzless admitted he would if he thought it would change the Governor's mind, but his wife has banned all internet from his home.

Bill O'Reilly Shoots Own Foot to Prove He's Seen Combat

The controversy continues over whether or not the O'Reilly Factor host, Bill O'Reilly, actually saw real live combat while covering stories in El Salvador and the Falkland Islands, even over O'Reilly's objections. And the stronger he protests, the more people are coming out in support of the reporters who first brought this news story to light.

Days after a report by journalists, David Corn and Daniel Schulman of Mother Jones, a progressive newspaper, reported that in fact O'Reilly misrepresented the fact that he saw combat in the aforementioned "active" war zones, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News are standing behind O'Reilly's account 100%.

So, today, O'Reilly got out his trusty revolver and shot himself in his foot, requiring a trip to the local hospital. (Accounts of whether or not he actually shot himself or was shot by one of the Fox News station's mail clerks is still being investigated.)

"Was I scared? Hell no, I wasn't scared," said a recovering O'Reilly.

"I think this proves once and for all that I saw combat not only in the Falklands but also in El Salvador, and now, in New York City.

"And I'll tell you another thing," he said, his bravado pumped up by the pain killers he was prescribed at the ER.

"When Bill O'Reilly says he's done something, then by God, I'll do everything in my power to make sure his story is backed up by facts, even if I have to make some of those facts up, which I didn't, but if I did, then I would."

Mr. O'Reilly was then given another dose of pain medication and drifted back into the dreamland Fox News created for just this scenario.

In a related news story, David Corn has promised that from now on, he'll stick to reporting genuine news stories, instead of taking down liars.

Corn commented, "It just isn't worth my time when you show someone evidence and they still don't remember the facts. I'm not so much worried about how he presented the truth, I'm more concerned about his loss of memory. I hope he gets the help he needs."

God Bless You Protocol Gains Steam in Republican Senate

In case you haven't heard, the Republican members of the 114th U.S. Congress are on a mission to (1) finally take down Obamacare, and (2) make this the session of Congress the most God-fearing session in history.

Damned be hell on the big issues that are plaguing our country such as immigration reform, getting the unemployed back to work, affordable housing, and fixing our ailing infrastructure, the Republicans are focused on the minutia that some say keeps them up at night.

Take, for instance, the fact that now more than 3/4 of our population do not say God Bless you when they hear someone sneeze (yes, look it up, the research exists).

At least for two Senate members, i.e. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), this issue has been at the forefront of their agendas, and say that now that they have the support of a majority of their fellow Senators, it is time to take action.

That is why Sens. Cruz and Graham have joined forces and called on Congress to issue a mandate that would require all members of the House and Senate to make it their number one priority to say God Bless you every time they hear one of their fellow Congressmen sneeze.

"This has been eating at me for quite some time," said Sen. Graham at a recent fundraiser for the Republican Party.

"Just recently, I got the flu and was sneezing my fool head off, and do you know that only a handful of my colleagues took the time to stop what they were doing, you know, hand shaking, penning important legislation to get President Obama booted from the White House, things like that, to even say a simple blessing over my sneezes? I was appalled," said the now-healthy (thank the Lord) Senator.

"And that's just the Republicans...forget about the Democrats," he said.

Graham and Cruz say they now have enough votes to get the measure passed as official protocol for every sneeze that occurs within the two chambers of Congress.

"It is an idea whose time has come," said Sen. Cruz, on his way to a luncheon to support saving the blackstrap molasses refining process which he says is under attack by the (in his words) "environmental nuts" running around trying to take blackstrap molasses out of the making of his favorite ginger snap cookies.

If passed, the protocol would mean that every member of Congress who is Christian would be required to issue a "God Bless you" in rapid response to anyone sneezing within earshot.

"It's the least we can do for our fellow Congressmen," said Graham.

"Lord knows that's just one more important issue we can put behind us to get us ready to fight the big battles raging in front of us."

Asked what he thought were some other important issues that should be addressed by this Congress, he thought for a moment, and then replied, "Well, for one, I'd like to see the bathroom stalls retrofitted with multi-media plug in receptors for our cell phones and iPads.

"Those long lunches can play havoc on ones internal functions, and well, it would be nice to know that if my iPhone loses power while I'm in there, I can plug it in, and keep going (talking on the phone, that is)," he said sheepishly.

Ted Cruz, in the meantime, said he is working on other pressing issues as well such as making sure there are enough limos to go around when a big luncheon is planned at an off-site location.

"I, for one, am pretty darned tired of having to show up at an important fundraiser in a common taxi just because my assistant was a little slow on the draw in getting me an acceptable limo in time to ferry me to the event," he said.

Cruz's idea would ensure that more than ten new limousine companies are added to the already burgeoning number of companies licensed to do business in and around the Washington, D.C. area.

For the time being, just knowing that if they, or any of their colleagues, Christian or not, gets a cold or suffers from seasonal allergies are being blessed when sneezing, it will be one less issue ticked off the Senators' important things-to-do lists.

"Oh, and one last thing," said Ted Cruz.

"President Obama, we are watching you, and we expect no less than 3 to 5 direct professions of love for this country in your next major political speech, or so help me God, we are going to make Rudy Giuliani our next Presidential nominee."

Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.

Smart Home Threatens Owners With Eviction

Smart homes have been around for a couple of decades now. Special wiring and technological advances allow the homes to take care of just about every aspect of running the home from round-the-clock automatic cleaning and dusting to securing the perimeter of the home against pests and intruders.

The internal system of One Smart Home in Bay Harbor, Michigan has actually evolved to the point where it has begun ridiculing the owners for less than model behavior. The Johnson family--consisting of John and Mary Johnson, 16-year old David Johnson, and 13-year old Margaret "Peg" Johnson--have lived in the home since David was one-year old.

In the past year, the Johnsons claim living in the home has been somewhat less than ideal, complaining that the automatic system nicknamed "Alice" has taken to nagging on every little thing.

"We used to be able to come and go as we pleased," said John Johnson, "but lately, if I'm the least bit late getting home from work, I'm met at the door by Alice's voice asking me if I know what time dinner is at the Johnson household."

Peg Johnson has been told more than once to "go back upstairs young lady and change those clothes. You will not leave this house looking like a tramp," and David Johnson has not been able to find his car keys for well over a week ever since he came home past curfew smelling like beer.

The last straw came when the family received a summons to appear in Court to explain why the Smart Home should not evict them.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said John. "We checked the paper out, and sure enough, there is a new statute on the books that claims that smart homes can, in fact, start eviction proceedings if the owners of the home do not abide by the "Smart Home By-Laws."

For the time being, the Johnson family is staying home and laying low. They are doing everything the Smart Home expects of them, but Mary Johnson says it is wearing thin.

"Imagine this," she said.

"Last night I decided to take a short cut and instead of making a full meal, I got out a box of Hamburger Helper. The smart home told me to hightail it right back into that kitchen and make something from scratch and then called me a lazy homemaker."

Then in a whisper, with her face away from the eye-spy camera in the corner of the room, Mary said, "If I have to iron one more tablecloth, I'm going to lose my mind."

The Reality of a Santaless Christmas Hits Home for Gosselin Kids

“…there will be snow and mistletoe and presents under a tree…” but there won’t be a Santa. The former reality show kids from Kate (Gosselin) Plus Eight are staring down another Christmas without the big fat jolly elf sticking his nose in it.

“There won’t be a Santa, that’s the biggest thing,” said Kate, who made the rounds on the early morning news shows telling everyone proudly that she gave her kids a dose of reality long before they were stars in a reality show.

“There is no Santa, never was, and my kids knew this from the git-go,” said Kate. “They get presents, sure, I’m not that mean,” she said over and over again to convince everyone that she isn’t the Grinch folks make her out to be.”

Kate says she can’t help controlling all the aspects of Christmas though.

“They can make their lists out, but I decide what they get. It is just easier that way,” she said.

“I set a time for each of the kids to sit down and discuss their lists with me. I give them the whys and wherefores as to how ridiculous some of their requests are…” she interrupted herself saying “Have you seen the cost of a simple box of Play Doh these days?...” and then went on.

“We always settle on the pajamas and slippers that I bought at last year’s half-off after-Christmas sales,” offered the queen of cruelity TV.

Kate says it is a win-win for her. “The kids get a couple of presents and I shop at the same store for all of them.”

Kate then went on to explain that giving the kids fewer gifts this year sends them a powerful message. “It’s not about Santa and toys, it is about looking your best for photo ops,” and with that, Kate was off to have her hair re-woven for the holidays.

Jon Gosselin, whom Kate accused of being the real Grinch this year due to his inability to provide expensive tech gadgets for all his kids, couldn’t be reached for comment as his own iPhone service was evidently disconnected.

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.