Pot Shop Sells Dragon-Shaped Cheese Puffs as "Stoner" Food

After reading a story on his favorite satire site about cheese puffs that resemble tiny dinosaurs, Mark Munchhausen came up with what he believes to be the next new stoner* food--Puff the Magic Dragon Cheesy Cheese Puffs.

Munchhausen sees no reason to patent his idea or even produce the snacks himself, since his favorite snack company has already perfected a system whereby cheese puff snacks can be randomly formed in the shape of dinosaurs (or dragons if you will). All he has to do is re-package the snacks and sell them in his marijuana shop in Denver, Colorado.

The Cannabis King, as he likes to be called, shared how he came up with the idea for the snacks.

"I couldn't decide on what to call them at first," said CK, after discovering for himself the almost perfect-shaped dinosaurs in his package of cheese puffs.

 "They look more like tiny brontosauruses than they do dragons," he said. "And, well, at first I thought of Dino the dinosaur on the Flintstones. You know, they are making billions off those little vitamins.

"But then, I lit up a joint, took a few puffs, and waited for the inspiration to strike. That's when it hit me--Puff the Magic Dragon lives by the sea! I am puffing on the magic, man, and, well, I don't live by the sea, but I've always wanted to, and voila! Puff the Magic Dragon Cheesy Cheese Puffs was born."

"I admit," said Muchhausen, "that packaging the puffs takes valuable time away from growing pot, and I usually net only about a 50% yield of dragon-shaped puffs from a bag of cheesy corn puffs."

However, the enterprising pothead claims that since he can get the puffs for $2 a bag and make approximately 6 or 7 baggies out of it, he's definitely making good money off the puffs.

"I can sell them for $4 a bag easy, so I'm definitely getting my money back, man. It's a convenience thing, you know. I'm like 7-Eleven for my customers--a one-stop-shop so to speak.

"Plus," said Muchhausen, "I get my baggies in bulk, so using some to re-package the snacks is a no-brainer."

Asked if he is worried about having a lawsuit filed against him from either the owners of the song or the giant food company for copyright infringement, Muchhausen said "Nah, man. They should be thanking me. Do you know how many people are going to be buying these things and getting that song worm stuck in their heads?

"See? I'll even bet you are now humming the song. I told you, man. This idea is golden."

*stoner - One who regularly gets stoned on marijuana (not to be confused with stoner - one who throws stones at people until they are dead, as in "hey, look at that stoner over there. We hate stoners. Let's stone him to death."

New Pot Laws May Save/Destroy Education System in America

Ed. Note: While there is irony in this story, it is meant to be read as a real commentary and not as satire. Hence, no picture is necessary... as most of us know what pot looks like by now.

After seeing how much money Colorado made in just the first week of implementing its law allowing the use of recreational marijuana, New Hampshire is hurrying through legislation of its own with a vote scheduled today.

With a hefty 25% state tax, coupled with the usual 2.9% state sales tax on recreational marijuana, Colorado is finally looking at enough money to re-vamp its entire educational system. Washington state will follow later this year, and now several other states are hurrying through legislation to legalize recreational marijuana to attain the same goal.

The latest to vote on making recreational marijuana legal in their state is New Hampshire. A hastily put-together bill is scheduled to take place today, where it is expected to eke by, but still pass. At that point, New Hampshire will be the third state to make up to an ounce of recreational marijuana legal to possess.

That is, unless the Governor of New Hampshire makes good on her promise. Governor Maggie Hassan has vowed to veto the bill if it passes the Senate and House. New Hampshire may be in for a long legal battle as a goodly portion of the citizens of New Hampshire see a way out of educational poverty for their state.

The irony in all this is the fact that all the new marijuana laws hitting the books have strong language in them prohibiting the sale or use of marijuana in and around public school facilities, and excludes anyone under the age of 21 from purchasing marijuana.

So what we're seeing is a rush to make the recreational use of marijuana legal in this country so that the money made on the sales can go directly toward making our schools some of the top learning institutions in the world.

Yet, anyone caught with the substance within a specified area of a public school can still be arrested for possession, and, I suppose, this is supposed to ensure that our children won't become potheads. Wild, no?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the state and around the country as more and more states and cities look to marijuana as the single-most important commodity to bring them out of the red and into the green.

New Marijuana Laws Spur Highest Home Prices in Years

New numbers have come out in the housing sector, indicating that in the next year, the states of Washington and Colorado will have the highest number of home sales in the country. Some other states are not too far behind. What makes these states so successful? Analysts say it is the passage of laws these past few years making the use of medicinal marijuana finally legal.

In Washington and Colorado, especially, new laws make it legal to possess and use small amounts of recreational marijuana. It is for this reason, folks from all over the United States are flocking to those states to live in blissful freedom from archaic laws blocking the use of marijuana.

Mobile home lots and vacant land sales in Washington and Colorado alone are poised to skyrocket as Boomers (folks in their 50s and 60s) pick up sticks and move to the new promised land.

Marigold Sunshine Parker has been running the family’s mobile home/trailer park in Hudson, Colorado for going on three decades. She was one of the first people to light up on January 1st without fear of being arrested.

“Finally,” said Parker, 65, a self-proclaimed flower child from way back..

“I had to become a grandma before I could smoke a doobie legally, but I made it,” she said, her long arthritic fingers barely able to grip the joint she was relishing.

Parker, part American Indian from the Shoshone Tribe, stated simply, “It’s a good day to toke.”

“All these years I was barely scraping by, my ailments getting worse, doctor's bills piling up," she said.

“Now that pot is legal, I can grow my own and treat myself with fewer doctor visits. On top of that, I’m selling property like crazy. When it rains, it pours," she chuckled, her blue eyes twinkling beneath an even bluer Colorado sky.

Parker says that she now has a waiting list for homes in her 55+ adult mobile home community with park-like setting due to the high (no pun intended) demand from folks like her wanting to come live in the land of the free.

“And the community get-togethers are so much more groovy, now,” she beamed.

“We’re like kids again,” she said, putting down her joint and taking another bite of a brownie her neighbor Aspen brought over that morning, and washing it down with some home-made herbal tea.

According to last year’s records, it seems to be that way all over the state. Not only are trailer parks filling up to capacity, but sales of single-family homes, condos, co-ops and even small recreational cabins in both Washington and Colorado have almost tripled in price.

Major home builders are taking notice as well, opening local offices and designing homes that fit more in line with the "hippie" lifestyle many boomers are wishing to re-live.

Tony Landson, chief architect at New Horizon Homes out of Providence, Rhode Island, says his company has just opened an office in Denver. Landson says he has been asked to design several models, complete with built-in sun rooms and gardens where marijuana can thrive year-round in Denver. He claims more companies are doing the same.

As word spreads of the economic uptick due to these new marijuana laws, more and more states are taking notice, which makes the boomers in America very happy.

Hi and Lois Baxter of Chico, California, have worked hard for years to get a ballot measure passed in their state paving the way to becoming the next state to legalize recreational pot. And while medicinal marijuana has been legal in California for years, Hi says it is high time the good people of California were able to smoke their pot out in the open and not just those who have medical problems.

"Imagine," said Hi, who is unfortunately fit as a fiddle, "growing my own pot in my own back yard," he said wistfully, while his wife, Lois, just rolled her eyes and smiled.

"That's all he's been talking about for the past three, four years now," said Lois.

Dan “Big Dan” Olsen, 63, of Yakima Bluffs Home Sales in Yakima, Washington, likened this latest housing boom to the gold rush of 1869.

“Who knew pot would be the one thing that brought so many Americans back out West to help re-build this part of the nation?

Dan then pumped his fist into the air signaling solidarity and yelled “Rock on dudes,” before excusing himself to go about tending to his indoor herb garden.

In a related story, Florida was just named the most unfriendly place to relocate by AARPPG (American Association of Retired Persons and Pot Growers) due to its continuing strict anti-marijuana laws. Real estate prices there are expected to remain flat until enough signatures are obtained and a measure is put on the ballot making medicinal marijuana legal in that state.

 AARPPG warns that Florida could lose its status as the best place to retire if the measure isn't placed on the ballot. So far, supporters of the law say they have the required number of signatures on a petition to accomplish this, but fear the powers that be in Tallahassee will find some reason to strike the petition down.

However, with the latest news about the housing sector being positively influenced by the passage of marijuana laws in the other states, Florida is looking more and more like another proving ground for making marijuana legal.

Bumper stickers are popping up all over Florida urging Governor Rick Scott and his supervisor of elections to allow the bill on the ballot by stating "Don't Bogart that Bill, My Friend--Pass it!"

Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Now that the laws are on the books in both Colorado and Washington state making the recreational use of marijuana legal, boomers all over the United States are hitting the road, plotting plans to get their fair share of the heavenly harvest while doing their best to stay under the radar of the local authorities in surrounding states.

'Maravans' as they are called, caravans of cars that are leaving from cities all over the US and headed for the two states that have what they want--marijuana--are becoming a regular sight on the nation’s back roads.

What Potheads, Bikers, and Taylor Swift Have in Common

Not these bikers, you idiot!

New figures out indicate that blogs featuring pot, bikers, and Taylor Swift get the most hits and the most forum posts of any other, including porn, according to the Worldwide Association of Gossip Syndicate or WAGS.

While Potheads and Pot took the top spot with close to 14 million forum posts in the past three months, bikers came in a close second with 12.5 million. Taylor Swift came in third in America with 9.2 million posts, but if you combined all the posts she got in America with those from Japan, she would have taken down the bikers and the potheads, easily beating them two to one.

“Potheads are a no-brainer,” claims Morris Tunder, chief strategist for the association. “They love listening to tunes on the internet and then sharing their love of listening to tunes while complaining that they aren’t allowed to smoke their weed openly…wait what was I just saying?”

Bikers were no surprise as well to WAGS, especially with Biker Week in Daytona upon us. The days of the hairy, caveman-like biker who wouldn’t be caught dead with a laptop, has given way to the weekend warrior biker, who, by day is anything from a futures trader to your kids’ dentist who likes to talk about riding his hog more than he actually does.

Biker Week is the one week out of the year to get out there and make some memories so he and the old lady can get back home, retire to their separate bedrooms and post away about how awesome bike life is. It is a growing trend that doesn’t seem to be slowing any.

As a side note, Hells Angels MC Club laptop covers are outselling Outlaws MC Club laptop covers two to one; however, the Hells Angels phone app hasn’t quite caught on as quickly as the club would have liked. Still, merchandise sales are robust this time of year especially due to the fact that most bikers can now afford all the paraphernalia necessary to look smart during Bike Week.

And Taylor Swift, well, we still don’t get it, but she must be doing something right because she is holding her own against bikers and pot. Her fan forums alone get hundreds of thousands of posts talking about everything from sparkly nail polish to how many times Kanye West has dissed the diva of country pop.

Speaking of Kanye West, when asked his opinion as to why he thought Swift got so many hits per day compared to his measly 1 million or so, West simply replied, “Hell, I’m the reason she gets so many posts, Khaters!”

Meanwhile, Tunder concluded “If there were a way to get Taylor Swift to perform at Bike Week, and someone was able to snap a picture of her taking a couple hits off a bong during that time, there is no doubt that would be the one event that would have the potential of crashing the internet.”

Pot and Bongo Fest Expected to Draw Huge Crowds

The First Annual Pot and Bongo Fest scheduled to be held this year is expected to draw huge crowds from all over the world.

“Since this is the first festival in the country featuring legalized marijuana, we can’t put a figure on attendance, but assume it will become one of the most popular festivals in America’s history,” said Bud Harkins, one of the key organizers of the festival affectionately nicknamed “Pongo.”

Harkins claims the festival was the brainchild of his father, Capt. John “Feelgood” Harkins, head of Har-Grow Marijuana Fields in Oregon. 

“My father had a dream that one day marijuana would be freely used all over the world, and this festival is a tribute to Capt. Feelgood,” said proud son Bud, who says his father passed away a year ago in a freak tractor accident. It just so happens the festival is scheduled to run on the anniversary of his death.

Not only will marijuana from the Har-Grow farms be freely flowing, but attendees will have a chance to enjoy many foods laced with the versatile herb, including marijuana ice cream, pot brownies, apple pot tarts, and more.

Musical guests headlining the event include Roger Waters and David Gilmour of Pink Floyd, reuniting once again on stage, as well as Donovan (Mellow Yellow), the Beach Boys, and the Four Tops and Temptations, who will announce a super special guest sometime in the near future. 

It is also rumored that actor Matthew McConaughey will join Todd Rundgren on Sunday for a special rendition of Bang the Drum All Day. Participants are encouraged to bring their own bongos and join in the fun. They are hoping to break a world record for most bongos played in one place.

Rainbow Kitchen Commune will provide some yummy vegetarian treats at no cost. You are encouraged to wear your tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottom blue jeans, and flowers in your hair for one of the best parties this side of Woodstock.

So mark your calendars and buy your tickets early because they are expected to sell out at a record pace.

Harkins wants to remind everyone that the Pot and Bongo Fest is not a smoke-free zone, as long as the smoke is herbal.

Security will be taken care of by the Hell’s Angels.

From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels. So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California.

It was announced in August 2012 that The Discovery Channel was working on a new reality television series based on the lives of several pot farmers in northern California. Since then, pot lovers all over America have been eagerly anticipating its debut.

Pot Farmers of Humboldt County chronicles the lives of three pot farming families who have struck gold overnight by turning their rural farmlands into pot fields. Pot farming has become a very lucrative, albeit very competitive, business in California, so it goes without saying that this show will provide all the drama that other Discovery Channel shows now airing such as Sons of Guns, Hillbilly Handfishin’, and Moonshiners presently dish out.

Pot farming in Northern California, particularly, has been getting a bum rap for what authorities trying to stop them say are serious environmental violations, from cutting down virgin forests to make room for their burgeoning businesses to poisoning the environment with chemicals pot farmers claim are necessary to grow a healthy crop of a much-desired medicine in California.

One of the stars of the show, Pot Farmers, is a 60-year old hippie named Willie McMillon, who owns nine square miles of farmland in rural Eureka. McMillon heads up his family of seven, including his wife, Sadie, three daughters and two sons, all of whom help out on the farm. McMillon claims that his farm is as organic as it gets and claims the government is just trying to pick bones because they want to see pot farming eradicated and go back to a time when pot was strictly forbidden.

As a side note, Willie is said to own upwards of 100 or more tie-dyed t-shirts, some of which he has owned for as many years as he’s been a hippie. Throughout the show, Willie will be seen wearing his signature bib overalls and a different tie-dyed t-shirt every week, some so old, you can almost see the last threads disintegrate before your very eyes.

 “I’m glad to have this opportunity to show the world that pot farmers in California, well most of us anyways, are doing the best we can to make sure that pot farming doesn’t harm anything Mother Nature has given us,” says Willie on the 2-hour pilot program of Pot Farmers set to air sometime in March 2013.

Willie is most likely referring to two other families featured on the show who grow pot for a living. One in particular is a heated rival and who Willie doesn’t hold back on when describing his dislike for the way they do business. The family, the Hartfields, headed up by Robert “Rick” Hartfield, owner of eleven acres of pot land, live just ‘down the road’ from the McMillons, and this rivalry is as heated as any we’ve seen in recent reality show history. Not even the feud between Nene Leakes and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be able to outshine this modern-day war between pot farmers.

Hartfield has been cited for a few environmental infractions but in the show, he claims the chemicals he uses on his plants are the same ones that tomato and melon farmers in the area use and claims he is being singled out because of the nature of his crop.

In one particularly hard scene to watch, Hartfield has to take one of his dogs that got into the pot shed and ate halfway through a bag of buds to the vet for pot poisoning, but the dog ends up fully recovering with a new nickname “Bud.”

The Hartfields and McMillons, along with another family by the name of Miller, a transplanted Amish family originally from LaGrange, Indiana--another well-known, but as of yet, illegal place that is famous for its home-grown marijuana—make Pot Farmers one of the most anticipated new reality shows to hit the Discovery Channel since Moonshiners.

A producer of the show claims that the economy is partially responsible for these rogue families across the country doing whatever is necessary to keep their families fed and a roof over their heads.

“While families like those featured in another reality show, Duck Dynasty, which airs on rival channel A&E, get their money from the legal business of making hand-crafted duck calls, it is only a matter of time before other families will come forward, regardless of the threat of jail time, to get their families’ names in lights on the various channels that showcase what real America is all about,” she said.

Newt Gingrich Snags Vintage VW Bus for Iowa Tour

These days, it’s all about the love when it comes to getting his message across to the voters of America, and Newt Gingrich is doing his level best to keep his temper under control and, in his words, “make this grassroots campaign a positive experience this time around.”

So, instead of seeing Newt show up at the Iowa Caucuses  in a giant luxury bus with his and his wife’s faces splattered all over the side, Newt has snagged a vintage VW bus complete with peace signs and flowers painted on it, circa 1967.

“It’s a beaut,” says Newt. “This little wagon is gonna take us further than the Iowa Caucuses. It is going to take us all the way to the White House…figuratively speaking of course…it is a bit of a gas guzzler.”

Asked if he is just downsizing because the money isn’t flowing into his campaign as quickly as he had hoped, Newt said that wasn’t the case at all. “Truthfully,” he said, “I’m trying the angles that I think will get me the most votes and lack of funds doesn’t enter into the picture.”

Newt claims that just because he didn’t get involved in the 60’s protests, it doesn’t mean he can’t use something as nostalgic as a “Love Bus” to full advantage. “This tour based on peace and harmony is certainly going to resonate with the boomers, who incidentally make up about 60% of the voting base I’m going after,” says Newt.

Having already announced that he is trying to lighten up his campaign by launching a new site “Pets with Newt,” to pander to animal lovers, Newt says the “Love Bus” tour will be the defining moment in his campaign. Hoping to cash in on the popularity of the saying “Who Loves Ya Baby?” Newt says he’s just trying to bring himself down to the level of the older boomers who, after years of smoking weed, might need reminding just who would benefit them the most in the White House.

“A gentle prod here and there, and we’re off to the races,” says an upbeat Newt.

The only drawback to using a vintage VW bus for the Iowa tour is the fact that the inside still smells of pot and patchouli “and that,” says Gingrich’s tagalong mechanic, Gil Brachman, “might be a bit of a problem.” Brachman claims that Gingrich has to be quick to jump out of the side of the van before any of his supporters get a whiff of the inside. “Who knew the smell of pot could last decades inside one of these vans?” said Brachman.

To Newt, however, it is just another positive in a sea of negatives. “You know, if pot were legal in all 50 states, we could sell enough of it out of this van to upgrade to a top-of-the-line Chrysler Town and Country with all the bells and whistles,” he said jokingly to a group of 60-something hippies in Portland, OR just before taking off for Iowa.

You gotta hand it to him. Newt is the only candidate willing to morph into whatever character it takes to keep him in the GOP race regardless of his personal beliefs.

Potheads Not Happy About Smoking Ban at Austin City Limits Fest

Many of the music lovers headed to the Austin City Limits Music Festival this year are bummed out to find that they won’t be able to light up a doobie while listening to their favorite bands.  Due to severe drought conditions in Austin, there is a smoking ban for the entire festival area.

While pot has never been legal in the State of Texas, Austin is known for its hippie environment and much of the time, pot smoking at music venues has never really been frowned upon by the local authorities.

“They’re just mainly old hippies who simply can’t attend an open-air concert without smoking pot,” said one police officer who has been patrolling Austin streets for three decades. “We just look the other way, normally,” he said. “But this year is different. One spark and the whole place could go up so we have to put the quietus on all those hippies and say no.”

Of course, while a burn ban may put a bit of a damper on the concert goers’ fun, most of the veteran concert goers know how to get around it.

“This happened about ten years ago,” said Grover “Groove-man” Henderson, a transplant from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury neighborhood. “Adversity just makes us better, man.” Asked how he’s going to get through three days of concerts without pot. Groove-man laughed. “I been up all night baking with the old lady, man. We have enough brownies to last through Tuesday,” he said as he and his old lady, Sunshine, headed out on their bikes with a loaded picnic basket to catch some tunes.

Secret Medical Marijuana Community Thriving in Central Florida

Just up the road from Cassadega, Florida, “Psychic Capital of the World,” there exists a tiny little community of septuagenerians who are defying Florida law in order to make their lives more tolerable.

“Hemp Hollow” is what the residents there affectionately call their little hamlet. You won’t find it on any map, and unless you are one of “them,” you would never even know it exists. But every day, the smell of brownies fills the air as 70+ year old grandmothers spend their mornings cleaning marijuana buds and incorporating them into some of the best baked goodies you’ve ever had.

Lola Lipshitz, (not her real name) a transplant from Long Island, New York, has been living in Hemp Hollow for close to two years now and says if it weren’t for her finding the place, she’d most likely be living, in her words, “a crappy existence in one of those state-run assisted living facilities playing bingo every Wednesday night and eating beanie-weenies out of a can.”

Lipshitz, together with her life partner Wanda Wolfshitz (not her real name either) founded the colony of elderly potheads after they visited Lola’s daughter in San Francisco and found a doctor who would prescribe medicinal marijuana for their various ailments.

“I had a bad case of the shingles,” said Lola, “and my daughter took me to a doctor who told me point blank, “you need pot, honey.” At first, Lola said she was dead set against it, but with a little coaxing, she ate her first pot brownie and from there it was like a whole new world opened up for her.

Lola and Wanda grow their own medicinal marijuana in a large storage shed that stands in the middle of a wooded area out back of their home. “Fortunately, we live quite a ways away from an incorporated area. We grow prize roses,” said Lola, “and, so far, we’ve been lucky. Everyone thinks that’s why we have all that fertilizer and potting soil.”

Wanda says they don’t know what they’d do if either of them got caught, “cause we have about ten of our neighbors who are counting on us for those brownies.” But both agree that living on the edge being “ganja grannies” as those who know them have so dubbed them, is way better than bingo, beanie-weanies and bedsores any day.

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products, manufacturer of various pot products for the home.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Said company spokesperson, Patrick Pending, “we realized when medical marijuana became legal in many states, there would be some people who would not be able to take it the traditional way, i.e. by smoking a pipe or a marijuana cigarette, so we decided to do something about it.

Our candles are produced in such a way as to incorporate just the right amount of marijuana within the beeswax allowing for a consistent dispersal of medicament in a small area. This, along with the patented wider wick, allows the patient(s) to gather around it and gain the full benefits just by normally breathing in the smoke.”

Mr. Pending claims that he and his colleagues have spent many, many man hours testing the candles and can attest to their potency and effectiveness. “Not only do the candles help to alleviate the symptoms of so many medical maladies, but they also lend a calming ambiance to any room,” said Pending.

Melting Pot candles will be sold alongside traditional medical marijuana in marijuana dispensaries, and the company hopes someday soon to be able to sell them at local Wal-Mart and Target stores. In addition, the group is hoping to produce smaller taper-type rainbow drip candles like the ones made popular in the 60’s. “After all,” said Pending, “sometimes it takes more than just a medicated candle to make someone feel good.”

Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit Receives Conditional US Patent

An enterprising inventor has just announced his success in obtaining a conditional patent for a garden container he calls the “Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit.”

Bartholomew “Bongo “ Jones, age 74, has been working on obtaining a patent for the Patio Pal for three years and was delighted when he finally received word that his invention has passed the second of three hurdles in becoming an item that can be sold in stores nationwide [legally].

“Unfortunately,” said Bongo, “the last hurdle is the killer”…getting the feds to allow him to sell drug paraphernalia across state lines. However, once that glitch is worked out, Bongo claims that it is only a matter of a few months before consumers will be able to purchase the Patio Pal Pot Plant Kits complete with several different varieties of seeds at their local medical marijuana dispensaries [in states with medical marijuana laws on the books].

“All you will need is your medical marijuana card, a patio, and a green thumb,” claims the gardening grandpa,“and you’ll be growing your own pot from a hanging pot on your porch just like the professionals.”

Fashioned after the highly popular ‘Topsy Turvy’ upside down tomato planter, Bongo claims you can grow your pot in either direction. “Grow them right side up,” says Bongo, “or upside down to goof on your friends. It’s your choice.”

Bongo guarantees the special hybrid cannabis seeds he sells with the pot (growing container) are designed to grow low to the soil, but at the same time retain all the medicinal properties of plants three or four times their height.

The kits should be in local dispensaries come late summer in time for the fall growing season.

Got Cannabis? Ad Campaign Convinces Big Names to Star in Commercials

In one of the largest attempts yet to get the word out on legalization of marijuana in California, a large Los Angeles public relations firm by the name of Blunt and Schuster (BSPR) has come up with a ‘Got Cannabis?’ ad campaign that will star some heavy hitters from the entertainment world.

Like the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign years ago touting the benefits of drinking milk, the Got Cannabis? campaign will pull out all the stops to inform the public just how beneficial pot smoking is. The tag line for the campaign will be “Pot, It’s not just for getting high anymore,” alluding to the fact that medical marijuana is just one of the reasons that marijuana should no longer be considered a controlled or illegal substance.

Already the campaign has received confirmation from such notables as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart and Lady Gaga to star in the ads. “The bennies to doing an ad campaign where every set has a lit bong going is all the payment I need,” said Martin, who admitted that the only time he doesn’t smoke pot is at dawn. Of course, the actors will receive monetary compensation for their time. BSPR says it’s just a matter of hashing out the details.

In addition to the above celebrities, talks are ongoing to get Roseanne and Jack Nicholson to appear in ads as well. BSPR has indicated that a few other very well-known celebrities have caught wind of the project and are eager to offer their talents as well as the campaign progresses.

Doona Blunt, top creative executive at BSPR claims that this ad campaign will finally lift the lid off the stigma of legalizing marijuana and allow the truth to come out. “It will be bigger than Save the Whales, that guy in the Old Spice commercials, or even Ted Williams’ voiceover for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

The ads are expected to air right around the 4^th of July and will feature a semi-nude Jennifer Aniston holding a blunt with one hand and her naked breast with the other, asking, “If you had a choice between attending parties with rowdy drunks or mellowed-out pot heads, which would you choose?”

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Patriots for Pot Put Support behind Morgan Freeman for President

A more liberal-leaning sect of the Tea Party known as the Patriots for Pot are putting their money behind actor Morgan Freeman for President even though he’s not running (officially).

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, President of the Patriots for Pot Party (PPP) located in Denver, Colorado says that the members of his party were faced with choosing a candidate to back from a list of some really heavy hitters, but in the end, Morgan Freeman was their number one choice.

When asked what qualifications Freeman has for being President in the minds of the members of his party, Doobie replied, “Well, for starters, he’s already been President, sort of. He was President Tom Beck in the movie Deep Impact, and we all think that was an awesome movie, especially when you’re high and that asteroid starts hurtling towards earth. It was so real, man!”

“But on a presidential note,” said Doobie, “Morgan Freeman has this really cool deep voice, but not creepy like James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. Freeman’s is more authoritative but considerate. We like that in a candidate.”

Asked if those were the only reasons, Doobie responded, “What? I’m sorry. I must have drifted off there for a minute thinking about the Jedi warrior fight in Star Wars. What were we just talking about?”

Morgan Freeman could not be reached for comment on this story as he was on location making a movie about the life and times of Grover Cleveland.

Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color. Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants dubbed “mellow yellow”; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-need influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.

Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”