Bill O'Reilly Shoots Own Foot to Prove He's Seen Combat

The controversy continues over whether or not the O'Reilly Factor host, Bill O'Reilly, actually saw real live combat while covering stories in El Salvador and the Falkland Islands, even over O'Reilly's objections. And the stronger he protests, the more people are coming out in support of the reporters who first brought this news story to light.

Days after a report by journalists, David Corn and Daniel Schulman of Mother Jones, a progressive newspaper, reported that in fact O'Reilly misrepresented the fact that he saw combat in the aforementioned "active" war zones, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News are standing behind O'Reilly's account 100%.

So, today, O'Reilly got out his trusty revolver and shot himself in his foot, requiring a trip to the local hospital. (Accounts of whether or not he actually shot himself or was shot by one of the Fox News station's mail clerks is still being investigated.)

"Was I scared? Hell no, I wasn't scared," said a recovering O'Reilly.

"I think this proves once and for all that I saw combat not only in the Falklands but also in El Salvador, and now, in New York City.

"And I'll tell you another thing," he said, his bravado pumped up by the pain killers he was prescribed at the ER.

"When Bill O'Reilly says he's done something, then by God, I'll do everything in my power to make sure his story is backed up by facts, even if I have to make some of those facts up, which I didn't, but if I did, then I would."

Mr. O'Reilly was then given another dose of pain medication and drifted back into the dreamland Fox News created for just this scenario.

In a related news story, David Corn has promised that from now on, he'll stick to reporting genuine news stories, instead of taking down liars.

Corn commented, "It just isn't worth my time when you show someone evidence and they still don't remember the facts. I'm not so much worried about how he presented the truth, I'm more concerned about his loss of memory. I hope he gets the help he needs."

Jon Stewart Threatens to Quit over Olbermann Hiring

NEW YORK - Rumors of Comedy Central hiring progressive news host Keith Olbermann has Jon Stewart threatening to quit and go elsewhere to peddle his brand of humor. Stewart, who shares billing with what he calls “The Best Fu#@ing News Team Ever,” was visibly shaken upon hearing the news first hand from a TMZ reporter after leaving the Sushiden on Madison Avenue early Sunday afternoon.

“You have got to be fu#@ing kidding me,” said Stewart while simultaneously telling his wife to get his agent on the phone immediately. “Wait, hold that. This is an April Fool’s joke, right?” he asked the reporter.

Assured by the reporter that the story came from verified sources, Stewart replied that he wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some kind of hoax played on him by one of his friends.

Stewart said he’d rather work for Fox News than share the same studio space with Olbermann, who he claims is one of the unfunniest guys he’s ever met.

“You want funny? Hire Bill O’Reilly,” Stewart reportedly told TMZ.

Tom Hanks to Portray Bill O’Reilly in Upcoming Autobiography

In an upcoming autobiography by Bill O’Reilly in which he prefers not to play himself, O’Reilly has hired Tom Hanks to step in and portray the “love him or hate him” darling of Fox News Channel.

“At first I thought, man, this is really weird,” says Hank about being approached to play Bill O’Reilly in the book. “But the more I read about O’Reilly’s life, I realized this guy really needs help, so I said sure, why not?”

“It could have been anyone, really,” claims O’Reilly, when asked about the project. “I started my autobiography at the tender age of 47 and even by then, I knew I was gonna have trouble selling my life to anyone listening. That’s why I put the project on the shelf (or in this case, in the drawer) and almost forgot about it.”

But what happened next was a near miracle according to O’Reilly. “I was sitting in my big easy chair at home in front of a roaring fire and reading Anderson Cooper’s Autobiography ‘Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters and Survival’ and thinking ‘what a load of crap,’ and thought, hell, if he can do it, I can do it.”

That is when O’Reilly went to his desk and pulled the aging manuscript from a bottom drawer under which was a picture of him shaking hands with Tom Hanks. “It was as if a bomb exploded in my head,” said O’Reilly. “I’m gonna ask my old pal Tom to portray me in my book. His life is so much better than mine and, even if it isn’t, we can always use portions of the characters he played in movies to jazz it up a bit.”

O’Reilly’s autobiography should be on book shelves by the end of this year regardless of Hank’s shooting schedule.

O’Reilly and Obama Agree that Glenn Beck is Nuts

President Obama sat down with Fox News Show host Bill O’Reilly in a rare and candid interview that touched on everything from the unrest in Egypt and how it should be handled, the economy and how to achieve a more stable union, and Obama’s thoughts on the 2012 elections. But it was Glenn Beck that really brought the two men together in a meeting of the minds.

In hyping the interview, Bill O claimed that this would be the most watched interview of any in the history of mankind due to the fact that it preceded the Super Bowl and, of course, it was a Fox host interviewing President Obama and not Keith Olbermann, who, O’Reilly couldn’t resist adding “is still unemployed as far as I know, seeing as he never took me up on my offer to be my shoeshine boy.”

In reality, however, early leaks that O’Reilly and Obama would be dissing Glenn Beck on national television and coming to a consensus over his waning mental state seems to have been the big draw all along. Word travels fast especially when Bill O is responsible for self-promotion. Little hints were dropped all during the week preceding the interview. If you were lucky, you’d catch little nuggets like “Be sure to watch Sunday before the game when President Obama and I will sit down and discuss, among other things, the state of Glenn Beck’s mind,” making a play on discussion about the state of the union.

Once the interview was complete and O’Reilly was interviewed himself by reporters, he stated “I admit it. I’m a ratings whore. If it weren’t for the discussion about Glenn Beck’s deteriorating grasp of reality, we may have gotten people to tune in, but after about 5 minutes of discussing Egypt and the economy, they’d be switching over to the pre-game shows and not given us a second look.

“Once again,” claims O’Reilly, “I gotta give props to Glenn Beck. He is the real draw here.” And then he added, “Like it or not.”