White House Hires Dr. Phil to Mediate Debt Ceiling Negotiations

I don't know what the heck he's saying,
 but I'll agree to anything to get him to shut up

What started as a debate between the White House and Republicans on whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling has become one of the largest political standoffs in America’s history.

The whole thing has devolved into a brouhaha, and as a result, the President has finally asked for help from one of the greatest “fix it” guys in the business, Dr. Phil McGraw.

Asked to mediate a settlement in the debt ceiling negotiations, Dr. Phil has been placed in a room with both sides present and strict orders issued that no one leaves the room until a settlement has been reached.

Sources say the President believes that just having to listen to Dr. Phil is enough to push a quick settlement, and although the Republicans have promised to ‘dig their heels in’ and not let anything deter them from their commitment to seeing that President Obama fails at these meetings, it appears this latest move by the President may just be the game changer.

Dr. Phil’s opening statement has been released and gives a good indication of exactly what the both sides are up against in trying to maintain their position:

“First off, let me tell you guys and gals, this ain’t my first debt rodeo, so don’ try and pull the pig outta the slop on my watch.

Ok, let’s get this rig a rollin’. I understand y’all got some scores to settle, and I’m there with ya. But understand that if you can’t settle those scores with your belts set on the same notch as me, then we ain’t gonna get no place no how.

I’ve been a clinical psychologist for more years than you all have been in diapers and let me just say that this type of behavior just ain’t gonna fly that bi-plane alone, you got that?

My lovely wife, who is sitting right over there (points), is one helluva woman, and I can tell you she ain’t gonna let you walk out of this room without a wink and a howdedoo, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s see what y’all’s bellyaching is about and how deep in the doodoo we gotta go to make the positive side of the battery spark.

To Boehner, “Ok John, Let’s get those apple seeds a planted. What are your thoughts on getting this here ceiling painted a neutral color?”

By all indications, there should be a settlement reached any minute now.