GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man's job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after President Obama delivered his warmed-over speech about women's rights, yadda, yadda, yadda...higher minimum wage...yadda, yadda, yadda...our commitment to our military...yadda, yadda, yadda...Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda's in all in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama's administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. She gave the reason as being that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage "if you can't beat them, join them" in an attempt to grab a piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria "Vic" Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

"And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions," she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband "for some arm candy," as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man's job, and that is what she did.

"I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I've never looked back," said a victorious Vic.

"And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams."

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers' speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

"Well, sure, I don't care. If women want to be lesbians, I can't really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn't help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider."

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

"Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so," said a fully confident Obama.

Romney Under Attack, Explains Binders Full of Women Further

"...I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black
and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”

Mitt Romney has come under fire for his statement at the 2^nd Presidential Debate that he had gone into the community to seek out women who were qualified to work in his cabinet and was given “binders full of women” to choose from.

Romney claims it was not as bad as he made it sound, that he was only trying to make a point that he knew the importance of appearances and having women in his cabinet was going to make him look good further down the road when it counted most, i.e. when he ran for President.

“Once I got the binders full of women, I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”

Romney admits that it took several binders to find the women whom he eventually gave jobs to and stated that this underscores his comment that most women are best when they are at home making lovely homes for their husbands.

Romney admitted his biggest problem back when he was Governor was the issue of retrofitting the women’s rest rooms with updated “thingamajiggie machines” referring to tampon and pad dispensers.

“I’d never come up against that before at Bain,” said Romney, “and quite frankly, that is where my wife Ann came in quite handy.”

Scott Walker’s Wife Withholds Sex Over War on Women’s Rights

MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a little ‘blue’ these days since his wife decided to take a stand against her husband’s continuing attack on women’s rights.

At the annual Maple Bluff Garden Club meeting on Friday, the first lady of Wisconsin told her close friends that certain actions by her husband of late—well actually, every since she’s known him—have finally pushed her over the edge.

Tonette Walker, or ‘Toni’ as she’s known throughout the local social scene, hinted to fellow Garden Club members that her ‘flower garden’ is off limits to her husband until he gets a clue as to how important women’s rights are in this country.

Toni claims it is the first time she’s ever taken a stand against her husband; but, after noting the underhanded way Walker secretly signed a bill into law which would strip women of their right to equal pay, she realized he could do the same to her if they ever divorced.

“Why, he could be squirreling money away right now as we speak, and I’d never know about it,” said Toni, who added tearfully “It’s not all roses living with a political heavyweight,” as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Ironically, the same day the Governor signed the bill to repeal the 2009 Equal Pay Enforcement Act, he also signed into law a bill requiring schools that teach sex education to stress abstinence, not contraceptives, as the only way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.