Westboro Baptist Church Congregation Scheduled to Picket Fred Phelp's Funeral

Photo Credit: The Guardian.com

TOPEKA, Kansas - Fred Phelps, founder and past pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, is dead. His family states he died from natural causes. However, according to his own beliefs, he most likely died as a result of "an abomination unto the Lord."

It is for this reason, the family plans to picket Phelps' funeral with signs such as "We're Pretty Sure Pastor Phelps Is Not Gay But We Aren't Taking Any Chances," and "Phred is Dead." For good measure, the family plans on using other signs used at previous protests, including "God Hates Fags," as a fond remembrance of their fallen pastor, and to cover all the bases.

Phelps is best known for picketing the funerals of veterans who died while serving their country. He believed them to be evil fornicators or something to that effect. At any rate, Pastor Phelps based his belief system on hate. He was considered the best of his kind. A true hater's hater.

Ironically, the fire and brimstone he preached about in his sermons is the very same he is now facing in the afterlife, or so it is believed by many who have been on the receiving end of Fred Phelp's fury.

His congregation, made up mostly of family and friends, are so busy organizing a picket for his funeral, that it is causing a problem for the funeral arranger. At present, the funeral director at Leavem-Stiff Funeral Home and Crematorium is not sure how the family wants the remains disposed of, err laid to rest.

"So far, we've received dozens of calls telling us what we can do with the body," said Josiah Leavem. "However, most of them are not fit to print."

The picket will be held at the Westboro Baptist Church Cemetery in Topeka, Kansas on Saturday, weather permitting. If the weather doesn't permit, then Phelps will be laid to rest quietly and presumptively without any going-away festivities afterward arranged by his deranged and estranged family.

Ed Note: Really, what can you say? When someone like this dies, it's best to just do what satirists do and that is bring to light the irony of a man so consumed with hate that all you can do is hope his teachings died with him.

And we'll end this with the following musical tribute:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B6TKClPFQA

Makes one wonder if Curtis Mayfield was psychic.

GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man's job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after President Obama delivered his warmed-over speech about women's rights, yadda, yadda, yadda...higher minimum wage...yadda, yadda, yadda...our commitment to our military...yadda, yadda, yadda...Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda's in all in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama's administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. She gave the reason as being that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage "if you can't beat them, join them" in an attempt to grab a piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria "Vic" Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

"And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions," she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband "for some arm candy," as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man's job, and that is what she did.

"I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I've never looked back," said a victorious Vic.

"And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams."

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers' speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

"Well, sure, I don't care. If women want to be lesbians, I can't really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn't help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider."

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

"Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so," said a fully confident Obama.

Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church members will be staying in Topeka, Kansas this Sunday to stage what they are calling their most important protest to date. They are going to be protesting themselves.

A statement issued by Westboro leader, Fred Phelps claims that the congregation is running out of funds to protest funerals across America, and the church is therefore re-thinking their strategy. In addition, he claims they came to the conclusion that “the gay thing” might be hitting a little too close to home, but would not elaborate.

The revelation came after much soul searching during a late-night, last minute meeting in the church basement. Elders had originally come together to determine which funeral they would be protesting this weekend when they realized they only had $73 and change in the church coffers, a far cry from the $2,500 they would need for a planned trip to a funeral in San Francisco.

Not wanting to let attention on the church wane, the elders finally came up with a solution to the problem by organizing a protest against themselves, which the treasurer figured would only cost around $30, if they stuck to serving a baloney and Kool-aid lunch to the protesters. It was Phelps himself who decided this was their only solution to the money problem.

“The theme of our protest is God H8s Westboro,” said Phelps.

“By hating ourselves and denying our presence, we are, in actuality, making our boldest statement so far against gays.”

Phelps would not elaborate further on this statement, leading some to believe recent rumors may be true that Phelps himself enjoys the occasional naked swim at the YMCA with male members of his group.

One member of the church has refused to join in the protest saying it goes way beyond what he signed up for, and, in addition, would not confirm that he is a member of the Topeka YMCA.

Buddy Phelps, Fred’s cousin, claims that he is always ready to bash the gays and the USA whenever asked, but bashing himself is another story.

“I’ve already got low self-esteem issues, not to mention an ongoing problem with depression, and my psychiatrist is gently prodding me to abstain from this particular protest on Sunday,” said Buddy Phelps.

Upon hearing his cousin’s words, Fred Phelps assured the news media that there is not now, nor has there ever been any prodding within his fold. He did, however, agree that abstinence was okay in certain circumstances.

Other local Topeka religious leaders are weighing in on the news of the protest. One particularly vocal leader claims the protest is a very good thing and long overdue.

“The protest is almost Zen-like in its premise,” claims Punja Makwari, a Tibetan Buddhist leader of the Kansas Buddhist Center, who has come out several times to announce services of peace and healing following each of Westboro’s hateful protests.

“By allowing themselves to admit that God hates them, they are, in fact, allowing God to come into their hearts to do whatever is necessary to allow them to see that there are balances in life and that fish swim in the same stream as the mighty hippopotamus.”

Makwari was asked if he felt any animosity toward Phelps particularly since Phelps once held a protest in front of Makwari’s religious center a few months ago to protest the color saffron as gay.

“We have spent much spiritual energy counteracting the hatred spewed from this particular religious group, and quite frankly, we are pleased to have a day off to attend to more pressing matters such as world peace,” said the high holy leader, refusing to elaborate further on the color saffron.

No one is expected to show up to protest the protest on Sunday, which will be another first for the Westboro Baptist Church. Many memorial services for fallen soldiers instead will be held across the country to take advantage of the fact that Phelps will be too self-absorbed in his own personal gay bashing to attend any protests of the services held outside Topeka.

In related news, rumors that Westboro is saving its pennies to plan a huge protest for Pope Benedict as soon as he passes are largely unsubstantiated.