California Bans Bacon!

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves.

Most people didn’t even know the bill was being voted on as the pork industry lobbyists didn’t think there’d be enough votes to get the measure passed. “To quote George Bush,” said one Senator from Los Angeles, ‘they misunderestimated us.’”

Senator Mary Lumsfeld from Studio City, California says the measure was necessary. “We were seeing our citizens get fatter and fatter and we were thinking “This isn’t Kentucky, this is California. What are we going to do?”

Beginning in 2010, California hired a team of registered dieticians and heart specialists to conduct a study on the everyday diets of 2,000 Californians to find out what was making them so darned fat, and what they found was startling! The major culprit was none other than bacon and bacon-like products.

“It’s just too tasty for people to resist,” said Trixie Culpepper, a registered dietician from San Diego, California. “We eat it on burgers, we top our salads with it, and we season our vegetables with it. We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it’s slowly killing us,” she said. “Just like any evil, we knew we had to get rid of it before people started lumping Californians in with other Americans and calling us the “F” word.” Of course, Culpepper was referring to the word ‘Fat.’

There is no word on how this ban is going to affect Californians who have not yet chosen a healthy diet on their own. Mayors in all major Californian cities have committed to putting additional police forces on the streets as they expect major pushback from the passing of the bill. The biggest concern is that now that it is banned, bacon will most probably be sold on the California black market, making it a very dangerous commodity. Fines of anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000 for violations has restaurants up and down the California coast getting rid of their supplies of bacon and telling customers they’ll have to go to Vegas to get their bacon fix.

“It will be tough,” said California’s Governor Jerry Brown, “but hey, I’m a bacon lover myself, and once I kicked the habit, I lost 40 pounds. If I can do it, then by golly, the rest of my fellow Californians can. Let’s show them that we are not another Mississippi.”

As a side note, a similar bill making tofu California’s state food failed miserably. “I guess we’re on the right track,” said Gov. Brown, “but we’re really pushing our luck with tofu.”

Psychiatrist Pressured by GOP to Recant Statements About 2012 Candidates

“They’re all pretty much a little nuts in my opinion,” claims Hans Bruchtern, Psy.D., resident psychologist at Tri-State Valley Hospital in Kentucky. Dr. Bruchtern was being interviewed for an upcoming magazine article focusing on the rise in personality disorder diagnoses in Americans within the past two decades. When asked what he thought about some of the outrageous claims Tea Party candidates such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have made recently on the campaign trail, Bruchtern was extremely candid.

“Oh, it’s not just the fact that Tea Party candidates are saying loopy things,” he said. “Judging from what these candidates say they are going to do if they become President of the United States should have most Americans shaking in their boots. I think just about every candidate out there has some sort of personality disorder that needs to be treated, and if one of them is elected, we may just become the Untied States of America.”

Asked to elaborate, Bruchtern told the reporter “Honestly? I think they’re all pretty much narcissistic to some degree. Some more so than others.”

Bruchtern claims that the better-looking candidates such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney have gotten by in life on their looks and therefore, when they hit the campaign trail, “they pretty much think they can say what they want to get votes and people will just fall all over them. They honestly believe they are America’s only hope.”

Asked if there is a test out there that can be taken by the candidates to determine once and for all if, in fact, they do suffer from personality disorders and if so, are any of them a threat, especially if they do get elected, Bruchtern answered cautiously.

“Let’s look at someone who is definitely considered by the psychiatric community to suffer from borderline personality disorder, i.e. Dick Cheney,” said Dr. Bruchtern. Now mind you, no one will admit this, and I probably wouldn’t accept any invites from him to go hunting after giving this interview, but the fact of the matter is that man, to this day, still believes that waterboarding is not a form of torture. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes.”

Once the interview was completed, the reporter asked the good doctor to spell his name correctly for the publication. “Sure, said the doctor. That’s Hans, spelled J-o-h-n, Bruchtern, spelled S-m-i-t-h.”

Secret Medical Marijuana Community Thriving in Central Florida

Just up the road from Cassadega, Florida, “Psychic Capital of the World,” there exists a tiny little community of septuagenerians who are defying Florida law in order to make their lives more tolerable.

“Hemp Hollow” is what the residents there affectionately call their little hamlet. You won’t find it on any map, and unless you are one of “them,” you would never even know it exists. But every day, the smell of brownies fills the air as 70+ year old grandmothers spend their mornings cleaning marijuana buds and incorporating them into some of the best baked goodies you’ve ever had.

Lola Lipshitz, (not her real name) a transplant from Long Island, New York, has been living in Hemp Hollow for close to two years now and says if it weren’t for her finding the place, she’d most likely be living, in her words, “a crappy existence in one of those state-run assisted living facilities playing bingo every Wednesday night and eating beanie-weenies out of a can.”

Lipshitz, together with her life partner Wanda Wolfshitz (not her real name either) founded the colony of elderly potheads after they visited Lola’s daughter in San Francisco and found a doctor who would prescribe medicinal marijuana for their various ailments.

“I had a bad case of the shingles,” said Lola, “and my daughter took me to a doctor who told me point blank, “you need pot, honey.” At first, Lola said she was dead set against it, but with a little coaxing, she ate her first pot brownie and from there it was like a whole new world opened up for her.

Lola and Wanda grow their own medicinal marijuana in a large storage shed that stands in the middle of a wooded area out back of their home. “Fortunately, we live quite a ways away from an incorporated area. We grow prize roses,” said Lola, “and, so far, we’ve been lucky. Everyone thinks that’s why we have all that fertilizer and potting soil.”

Wanda says they don’t know what they’d do if either of them got caught, “cause we have about ten of our neighbors who are counting on us for those brownies.” But both agree that living on the edge being “ganja grannies” as those who know them have so dubbed them, is way better than bingo, beanie-weanies and bedsores any day.

Dan Quayle Briefly Considers Run for President

“If Rick Perry can do it, why can’t I? asked the 44^th Vice President of the United States after a few afternoon cocktails. Quayle put some balls in motion this past weekend while attending a fundraiser for Perry. “I’ve got to be honest here folks. While Mr. Perry is one handsome man, he’s not got a lot going on upstairs besides a great set of hair.” When reminded by one of his handlers that the saying goes “great head of hair,” Quayle replied, “yes, but it is me saying it.”

Many in the crowd, when asked if they would consider voting for Dan Quayle for President said emphatically they would not, but that did not deter Quayle, who, at one point got up on the stage with Perry, put his arm around Perry’s shoulder, and said, “man, we’re both dumb as a box of rocks but they still throw their campaign money at us. How great is that?” at which point Mr. Quayle was told by Perry to “go sleep it off mofo.”

No one is sure what Quayle’s schedule looked like Sunday morning but could only guess that his trip across country to see what was going on in the Bachmann camp met with equal failure. Especially after Quayle told Bachmann just moments after being invited into her campaign bus “I wouldn’t have a problem at all having you as my Vice President, Shelly. You’re pretty hot.”

No New York Times on Sunday Bigger Disaster than Hurricane Irene

As Hurricane Irene barrels up the eastern seaboard toward New York, many wonder how New Yorkers will fare once hit by a category 1 hurricane, the likes of which they’ve not seen in years.

Hurricane Irene is giving us an up-close-and-personal view of just what New Yorkers fear most if the storm does, indeed, hit them full on. Are they worried about losing electricity? Not having enough water or food? Losing their living space?

“Not really,” says Upper Manhattan resident, Irene Weinstein (‘no relation to the storm,’ she quipped). We New Yorkers are tough. We can take just about anything.” Impressed by her fortitude, this reporter asked Irene then exactly what may bring down herself and fellow New Yorkers.

“Off the top of my head, I’d say not having the Sunday New York Times delivered to our door. I, personally, have been doing the crossword for almost 40 years straight, missing one edition only when my husband suffered a heart attack around 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning last June,” she said. “Selfish bastard,” she added jokingly. “He could have taken a couple of aspirin and waited till Monday to go to the hospital.”

Irene claims that most of her friends build their whole Sunday mornings around the Times. “A double latte, some bagels and lox, the Times--it doesn’t get any better than that,” she sighed. “I’m honestly worried that some of my friends just aren’t going to make it without their beloved Sunday paper.”

Asked if there was anything else beside the Times that New Yorkers were going to have a hard time going without, Irene told us, “Well, yeah, of course. I heard my favorite deli just down the street is boarding up for the storm. Wish I would have known that ahead of time so that I could stock up on some pastrami and a loaf of Jewish rye. They make the best pastrami in New York. At least someone is going to eat well during the storm—selfish bastards.”

Hershey’s Finds Way to Bring Jobs Back to America, Kinda Sorta

In these tough economic times, many unemployed Americans are complaining our jobs crisis would be solved if most of our larger corporations kept jobs at home instead of shipping them overseas. Most companies report that finding a way to do so and still turn a profit has eluded them.

But one such corporation, Hershey’s, the chocolate candy king, has found a way to do just that, kinda. And, to please the politicians who are hell bent on taking America back to the good old colonial days when liberty and justice were words bandied about quite a bit, Hershey’s is killing two birds with one stone. It’s called indentured servitude.

For those unfamiliar with the concept of indentured servitude [as it has been banned in America for centuries] here is a quick primer. In colonial times, an employer would enter into a contract with a worker whereby passage to America would be provided, as well as room and board, so long as the ‘servant’ agreed to work an agreed-upon number of years for the employer. In most cases, the workers never really ever earned enough to get out from under the “employment” contract and were forced to work years more than the stated time in the contract to “pay off” their debts to the employer.

The only problem, actually the only problem(s) with Hershey’s plan to keep jobs at home instead of shipping them abroad are (1) the students they are bringing to America to work for them are foreign students; and (2) by the time Hershey’s takes deductions from their $8 an hour wages for housing, food and what not, the foreign students realize they could have stayed at home making $.25 an hour at some sweat shop that manufactures American goods and made more money than what they’re actually earning in America.

To be fair, the kids are getting a free ride to America to work for one of the biggest companies in the world and experience the “American” way of doing business up close and personal. That, alone, should be enough to satisfy them, but no, they’re staging a protest. Seems the foreign workers want to see actual wages for the work they do, not a pay stub that shows them having just enough left over after living expenses to cover the cost of one of the many varieties of candy bar Hershey’s makes.

The irony? It is going to cost Hershey’s a nice chunk of change in attorneys’ fees to fight the charges—money that could have been better spent legally offering minimum-wage jobs to the many American women facing unemployment who would jump at the chance to work in a chocolate factory.

Dumbed Down America Embraces Bush Clone, Rick Perry

For anyone still wondering if America is being dumbed down, all one has to do is look at the line-up of presidential candidates coming at us from the right and it’s a no-brainer.

One of the most questionable of all when it comes to having the smarts to lead our nation, Rick Perry, just came out ahead in the most recent Gallup Poll, which pretty much speaks volumes about where we are, intelligence-wise, as a country. History seems to be repeating itself as another Bush-like candidate seems likely to capture the hearts and ‘minds’ of Americans.

We all remember some of the hilarious things that came out of President George W. Bush’s mouth during his presidency such as “They misunderestimated me,” and “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” With Perry taking an early lead in securing the GOP nomination, we are left wondering if Americans, in general, have the smarts to elect an intelligent leader.

While Texans are pretty much used to the inane way Perry expresses himself, the rest of America is just now getting a taste of how Perry thinks. Judging from the attention he’s getting by offering to open a can of Texas-size whoop-ass on anyone in Washington who does something he doesn’t agree with, aka Ben Bernanke, he’s becoming more popular than a Saturday night MMA brawl.

For the sake of argument, let’s say Rick Perry is brighter than a neon pink mini-skirt. Still, we can’t help but imagine how this country is going to fare under an elected President who, instead of ending his inaugural speech with “God Bless the United States of America,” would find nothing wrong with leaving the nation with the words “Adios, mofos.”

Kate Gosselin Forced to Send Kids to Public School

Kate Gosselin and the kids were seen at a local clip joint getting their hair cut for school. “They’re going to public school this year,” chirped Gosselin. “I’ve been told that they have to have really short haircuts so that if there is a lice epidemic, it will be easier to rid them of the buggers.”

Of course, that is just one of the misnomers Ms. Gosselin has about public schools and it is driving members of the local school board up a wall. “She’s going around telling everyone that her kids ‘are going to have to eat government cheese and like it,’ and ‘if she doesn’t send boxes of Kleenex to school with her kids, they could get kicked out.’”

“What an uneducated bore,” said Melissa Perry, an administrative assistant who works for the school board and is in charge of taking Gosselin’s numerous phone calls. “You would think that her kids are the only ones enrolled this year.”

Perry isn’t the only person complaining about the commando way Kate is taking over the schools her children will be attending. Last week the principal of Harvey Milk Elementary claims that Kate Gosselin personally called and told him “Now, you understand Mr. Milk that the only reason I am sending my kids to your school is because I want them to experience a balance in their lives. I expect my kids to be treated just like everyone else, even though their last name is Gosselin and they have above-average intelligence.”

The principal, who, by the way, is not Harvey Milk, replied, “Yes, and those free lunches will come in pretty handy, as well.”

Kardashian Wedding Limo Defaced with F-U-K-K Graffiti

Gangbangers somehow found their way into the private reception being held to celebrate the union of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries in Monteceito, CA and spray-painted the letters F-U-K-K over the entire surface of the wedding limo. The newly-married couple was forced to leave the reception in a rented Volvo as all other limos in the area were being used by guests in attendance at the wedding.

No one is really sure why the Humphries/Kardashian wedding was targeted, but rumors are circulating that the gang was hired by an A-List Hollywood celebrity who finally lost it when she realized the Kardashian family was picking up another member with a “K” name.

“There’s Kim, of course, and Kourtney and Khloe, but when Kim went and married a guy named Kris, spelled with a “K” instead of the traditional spelling ‘Chris,’ she realized just how far the Kardashians would go to keep their ‘brand’ in the public eye.”

While the source could not be forced into outing the celebrity who may have paid the gangbangers to debase the Kardashian lovemobile, she would say this “The new couple haven’t decided on a honeymoon location just yet, but suffice it to say, they have definitely ruled out Paris.”

China Goes Global with Exclusive Chinese Worldwide Web

China has come a long way since the days when nothing came out of the mainland except cheap plastic goods and kitchen utensils covered in lead-based paint. China now understands the need to communicate with the rest of the world if only to be able to comprehend what it is they are being sued for by entire nations suffering illnesses caused by their defective products.

It is for this reason that China has finally decided to go global with its own worldwide web. Cwww.gloogle.com.ch is where you will find all the latest, up-to-date news about what is going on in mainland China from shopping to news of the weird. People from all over the globe can now log in and check China out from a native’s perspective.

Of course, as big as this news is, it is still pretty much a moot point since the entire cwww is written in Mandarin Chinese and less than ½ of 1% of all the people of the world, not including mainland China, which makes up roughly a big chunk of the world’s population, even speak the language

Suffice it to say that with those statistics, you may as well just resign yourself to the fact that we’re never really going to know what China has up its sleeves. Let’s just leave it as a step in the right direction. The only real thing we have going for us is that the Chinese language is made up of symbols, and if we could just crack that code, a fresh series of internet games would be opened up to us. If we’re being totally honest here, isn’t that really what this is all about?

Rick Perry on Economy: “I’m Gonna Come at You Like a Spider Monkey”

Stealing a line from the movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Rick Perry continued his assault on the economy under Treasury Secretary, Ben Bernanke, saying “I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey.”

“I just love that line,” said Perry at a recent fundraiser. “It has me written all over it.”

Perry claims that while Clinton may think he (Perry) is one ‘good-looking rascal,’ “the truth is,” says Perry, “good-looking rascals don’t get things done like crazed spider monkeys.”

Paypal Founder Invests $1.25 Million to Create Floating Libertarian Habitat

Billionaires with more money than they know what to do with are flocking to a company known as Seasteading Institute to get in on the ground floor, so to speak, on building floating countries (oil-platform-like structures) where they can exercise their Libertarian rights such as no socialist policies, no gun control and no federal taxes.

Wow, that's a great idea. Throw a bunch of billionaires into a tiny space, give them plenty of weapons and watch them try to govern themselves. They'd be at each other's throats faster than dingoes on an antelope.

Patriots for Pot Claim Rick Perry is Scary as Hell

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, leader of the political action group “Patriots for Pot” says that he and other members are having a hard time getting their news lately because every time they turn on one of their favorite news channels, they see images of Texas Governor Rick Perry, and say that it’s scaring the living hell out of them.

“We’re just so freaked out by the dude, man,” claims Warner. “It’s like watching a reality series based on The Omen, only it’s freakin’ real reality, dude.”

Most people who smoke or have at least tried pot know that when getting high, audio and visual signals in the brain are generally heightened. For those who are not aware of this sensation, Doobie explains:


“It’s like this, man. You’re sitting on the couch smoking a doobie , and say you have the Tom and Jerry Show on television. I can’t tell you the mechanics of it, but let me just tell you, man, Tom and Jerry without pot are pretty funny, but when you’re high, they are like the funniest fu*king animals on the planet, man.”


Warner then went on to apply his analogy to Rick Perry. “Ok, so it’s like this, man. You’re sitting on the couch smoking a joint and the news comes on and they’re talking about some Texas dude running for President and then they show you what he looks like and you’re like ‘dude, that guy scares the sh*t outta me. Isn’t he like that dude from the movie The Omen? and your friends are like, ‘yah, dude, totally like get that dude outta my face, now, like wow, are you goofing on me or what?’ and you have to like change the channel all the time cause the pot is telling you the guy might come right out of the screen like in Poltergeist or something, man.”

Koch Brothers Running for President in 2012

The Koch brothers are tired of putting their money behind Republican and Tea Party candidates who they complain are not working fast enough to tear apart the very fabric of this country. They complain that there are still people holding on to that silly “American Dream,” and insist they must be stopped at all costs.

“You would think that after all the money we’ve sunk into abolishing  workers’ union rights in this country, getting the Supreme Court to allow millions of corporate dollars to buy our elected officials, and finally getting people to actually support ridding this country of all its major social programs such as Obamacare, Social Security and Medicare, not to mention total privatization of our schools, hospitals and retirement programs [see video at end of post], we’d have something to show for it,” said David Koch at a private function somewhere in the bowels of Virginia.

But the battle so far has been expensive and the Koch brothers feel that the people they’ve been backing just do not have the stomach to really “fight” for the rights of the rich and powerful by stomping on everyone who gets in their way, which is the hallmark of Koch brothers behavior.

“The problem with America is that the common people still think they have rights on everything from choice of job to sexual orientation, when, in fact, they shouldn’t have those rights; unless, of course, they are rich and powerful like the Koch Brothers,” claims Thurston Winstead, President of Americans for Prosperity, one of the Koch brothers’ better known anti-middle class/poor organizations.

The Koch brothers are tired of watching the people they have hired to run for President botch the selling of every single initiative they [the Koch Brothers] have concocted to silence the “troglodytes” of this country. No offense to Bachmann, Perry and Romney, but the Koch Brothers think those frontrunners just don’t have the stomach to really go after Obama aggressively enough.

It is for this reason, the brothers have decided to stop throwing good money after bad and just buy the office of President of the United States for themselves. All they need is a few more “bought” Supreme Court Justices and they can by-pass the electoral process altogether and just name themselves leaders of the free world (soon to be an oxymoron).

The biggest problem right now for the Koch brothers is deciding which one will be the President of the United States and which one will serve as Vice President. The eldest of the two, Charles Koch, claims that he’s willing to let his younger brother, David, take on the office of President as he, Charles, is just not that into openly pushing his agenda, but would prefer to do his work in the background, from the shadows, if you will.

Meanwhile, David, says he’s always detested the name ‘President and Vice-President’ and would prefer that when they finally take office, they change their titles to something more befitting men of their stature. Sources close to David say the brothers have bandied about such names as His Omnipotence and Supreme Second-in-Command, being much more descriptive of the role they would like to play in America’s future. What the brothers both absolutely agree on is keeping Hillary Rodham Clinton on as Secretary of State as she assumes the role of minion so nicely.

A close friend indicates that “with the Koch Brothers, their evil is pretty much distributed evenly, so just suffice it to say that if and when they do take the highest governmental position in the land, don’t be surprised if the first order of business will be to change the national emblem of America from the majestic bald eagle to the lowly common vulture.”

Texas Running Out of Cold Water

The summer of 2011 is going down as one of the hottest on record in Texas. Several Texas cities are getting close to breaking old records for number of triple-digit days, and the end of summer is still pretty far off.

Trees are dying, livestock is being sold off for lack of grazing land, and electric companies are asking customers to cut back on usage to avoid energy blackouts.  

While all the above have been experienced by Texans before, one new phenomenon has not, i.e. lack of cold water. “In some cities, the water coming out of the cold tap is lukewarm,” said City Utilities Manager, Jim Huckleberry from Luckenbach, Texas. “I’d say about 95% of the water now coming out of our water plant is between 90 and 100 degrees,” said Huckleberry. “That’s way too warm for consumption, and we’re warning folks to put their water in the fridge for at least an hour or so before drinking it.”

Huckleberry says people just don’t realize how precious cold water is until you don’t have it. “Sure, it don’t matter if you’re bathing in it,” he said, “but just about everything you do to keep cool in summer depends on cold water, from the public pool to the air conditioning in your home, not to mention keeping your body hydrated.” Constant refrigeration of millions of gallons of water for consumption is creating serious problems in many Texas towns.

Texas Governor Rick Perry agrees the lack of cold water in Texas is becoming a real problem and says that if the triple-digit heat continues, he may have to declare a state of emergency and ask the federal government for assistance. “I don’t want to do it,” said Perry, “but I’ll be darned if I’ll sit idly by and deny my fellow Texans their God-given right to have cold water run freely from their kitchen faucets.”

Republican Lawmaker Says He Exposed Himself to ‘Expose Shakedown’ on Craigslist

Phillip Hinkle, a Republican Representative from Indiana, has been caught up in yet another Craigslist scandal. Hinkle admits to making arrangements on Craigslist to meet a young man at an Indianapolis hotel for sexual purposes.

Just like other lawmakers before him, including U.S. Republican Representative Chris Lee of New York and fellow NY* Representative Anthony Wiener, 64-year old Hinkle made an error in judgment by not being able to resist the urge to show someone a major (or minor, depending on the circumstances and room temp) part of his naked body.

But Hinkle claims his case is different. “I did it to try and help those poor, unfortunate young men on Craigslist who are being victimized by our country’s lawmakers.” Hinkle says he knew it was a shakedown, and without telling anyone his plan to singlehandedly bring down this terrible scourge, he somehow mustered the courage to answer a young man’s post on Craigslist seeking male companionship.

Hinkle claims if anything he is a hero for stepping up to the plate and even going so far as to expose himself physically to the young man, so that, in turn, this type of behavior can be exposed (no pun intended) and dealt with once and for all.

“Believe me, nobody wants to see a 64-year old elected official’s winkie unless there’s cause to,” said Hinkle, who, coincidentally now goes by the nickname “Winkie” on Facebook.

*What’s in the water in NY anyway?

Rick Perry Claims More 'Physical Conservatives' Need to Head to Washington

Yeah, ok, but what do fiscally conservative Republicans have to say about this?

The Dougherty Gang Getting Their Own Reality Show

The Dougherty Gang, a trio of siblings consisting of two brothers and a sister, are well-known for their crime spree that spanned several states, including Florida, Georgia and Colorado. They don’t mind shooting cops if they have to, and they smile for their mug shots, if they want to.

The gang was finally arrested in Colorado and the siblings are currently being held on more than $2.5 million bond each. But according to reports coming out of Hollywood immediately after the news of their capture, there is a chance that one big reality news network is willing to put up that bond money to get exclusive rights to the story of those three badass kids.

“Let ‘em out, and give ‘em to us,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “With a makeover and the promise of making more than they do now robbing banks, we might just eventually show them a better path.” He then added with a smile, “Oh hell, who am I kidding? With gang member, Lee Grace’s penchant for taking her clothes off, we stand to get way more than just a crime spree with this trio. We might have to hawk this one to Showtime.”

With bail being met, the courts would have no alternative other than to release the kids, and most assuredly, they’d return to their life of crime. The only difference this time would be that there would be cameras rolling and donuts in the crew van every morning for the star criminals before they hit the banks.

Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew and that’s why you put your vote behind that person.

But today, it takes little more than a pretty face and some charming wiles to get a person’s vote—case in point, Sarah Palin. And, that same pretty-face reason is why Charlie Sheen announced last week that if Rick Perry does announce his run for the Presidency, he’s backing him all the way, vote-wise and maybe even financially, if, indeed he [Sheen] has any post-cocaine money left.

Sheen’s announcement came with little fanfare. It was broadcast on LA Access television, and for those who weren’t able to catch it, here’s what Sheen said about Perry:

“Hell yeah, I’ll vote for Rich Perry, or Rick or whatever the hell his name is. I mean, what’s in a name anyway? It’s how he looks that grabs ya, man. I mean, look at those coal black beady eyes set back in that forehead, and that sun-damaged face, ya gotta go for the man, cause even after all that sun damage, he still looks faboo. I hear it is really hot in Texas right now. Is it? The point is that no matter whether bear season is upon us or that green polka-dots definitely don’t do pink any justice, speaking of justice, which there definitely isn’t any when it comes to Wahini bikinis, Rich Perry is smokin’ hot and I’m voting for him.”

Charlie’s handlers were extremely proud of him after the announcement. Said Drew Pugmore, his personal assistant, “Hell, we could care less he’s found a person to vote for or even who that person is. What is important is that for the first time in I can’t tell you how long, Charlie started a thought and instead of rambling on aimlessly until we had to wipe drool from his chin, he came back to that original thought. That’s progress, man, real progress. Way to go, Charlie.”

Rick Perry Running for President So He Can Abolish the Job

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that the only reason he is considering a run for President in 2012 is so that, once elected, he can use his executive power to abolish the post of President.

Confused? Let me explain. Perry is a strong proponent of states’ rights. He believes that each individual state in the United States, including Texas, should be allowed to set their own laws regarding such things as education, labor laws, and civil rights. With no federal government, it would no longer be necessary to have a federal government figurehead.

In order for Perry to become President, he would have to renounce his stand on states’ rights, that is unless he becomes President just long enough to abolish the post of President all together and revert back to being the Governor of Texas.

In a recent speech, Perry’s distaste for federal government interference was palpable. “We don’t want to have to give school kids free lunches if we don’t want to,” he said. “Of course, if we want to, we will, but we won’t if we don’t want to and the federal government can’t make us.”

Perry has his lawyers checking on the constitutionality of a President abolishing the office of President of the United States, but says that regardless of their answer, he’s still gonna run for President just to scare the hell out of all his fellow Republican rivals.

Perry is also checking whether or not it would be feasible to create a new job for himself once he fires himself from the office of President of the United States and is unable to return to the post of Texas’ governor. He’s thinking President of Texas sounds pretty good.

Wisconsin Masochist Coalition Overjoyed with Tuesday’s Election Results

Ed Note: For those who aren't following my train of thought on this one. Suffice it to say, this was a bit of satire on all the folks who bitch about who is in office, but don't do anything about it. Ya basically just voted to keep the a-holes in office who are hell bent on taking what little you have left and giving it to them that already has. After the earlier protests, I just didn't see those election results coming.

A close-knit group of Wisconsin voters calling themselves the Wisconsin Masochist Coalition (WMC) couldn’t be happier about the results of Tuesday’s recall election whereby the Republican Party lost only two of its six seats to the Democrats. This means Governor Scott Walker will continue to be able to heap his brand of punishment upon the people of Wisconsin without compromise, making the WMC ecstatic.

The WMC was formed after Scott Walker passed a controversial bill earlier this year, stripping the collective bargaining rights of public employees. The voting bloc claims it siezed the perfect opportunity to see to it that their pain would increase by accepting the continuous punishment meted out by Walker and the Republicans in the form of serious budget cuts for the working class people of Wisconsin.

“We are neither Republicans nor are we Democrats,” claims Brutus McNabb of Kenosha, Wisconsin. “We are merely a small group of independent voters who enjoy getting the crap kicked out of us.”

McNabb claims the tougher Walker gets, the happier his group is. “We could not ask for a more perfect leader,” said McNabb. “When he says things like ‘let’s kick some butt’ and ‘don’t mess with Scott Walker or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich,’ well, he’s our guy, no doubt about it.” The WMC claims it will do everything humanly possible to keep, in their words, ‘the Marquis de Wisconsin’ in office.

We’ll continue to vote for Walker,” said McNabb, “because, let’s face it, he won’t be happy until everyone in this state is hurting. And when we’re hurting, we’re happy.”

Tea Party Poopers Take Tea Party to Task

Seems a good many Americans are worried about their financial futures now that Standard and Poors recklessly downgraded the country’s credit rating to AA+. While they don’t get that S&P’s actions were politically driven and highly irresponsible, they do get that the Tea Party was behind it all.

This week, however, a new political action group, known as the Tea Party Poopers, was organized for the sole purpose of taking the Tea Party out of the equation come hell or high water.

“Although they’ve only been around now for a couple of years,” claims Ted Leigh, organizer of the Tea Party Poopers, “the Tea Party Patriots have wreaked havoc on our political system, and this latest ploy to gain attention by holding up the vote on the debt ceiling was the last straw.”

The Tea Party Poopers say they have a defense strategy to take down the Tea Party at all costs. “When they’re in Washington protesting, we’ll be in Washington protesting. When they have one of their elected goons vote down an important piece of legislation, we’ll have not one but two of our goons, er, elected representatives, counter that vote and cancel the no with a yes, or vice versa depending on the legislation.”

“Killjoy’s in town,” said another Tea Party Pooper member, “and our sole purpose for being is to take all the fun out of the little soiree the Tea Partiers have been hosting in Washington.”

“Exactamundo,” said Leigh, “We’re about to drain their beer tap, marry off their cousins, and pay the honkey-tonk singer to take the night off, so there ain’t no more reason for the rubes to stick around.”

Rick Perry Wins Over Evangelicals by Speaking in Tongues

By most Christian leaders’ estimates, Rick Perry’s “The Response,” a national day of prayer and fasting, was a pretty big success. Backed by the American Family Association, Perry pulled in about 30,000 Christian followers to Reliant Stadium in Houston.

While Perry claims his main goal was to bring people together to pray for America, there can be no doubt that the true purpose behind the rally was to win support of the Evangelicals for his eventual run for President. With that in mind, Perry and his people knew that it would take a lot more than a fancy stage, some good old-fashioned Bible thumping, and a no-barbeque prayer meeting to convince America’s Evangelicals he was their guy.

While Perry acknowledged at the rally that “I am one of you,” referring to his being a devout Evangelical, he backed it up with strong words—in a totally undecipherable language. That’s right, Rick Perry began speaking in tongues. While he only did so for a short while, it had an amazing impact on the crowd.

“From that point forward,” claims a close Perry adviser, “we knew he had the support he was looking for, and he was going to enter into the Presidential race with a new-found confidence.”

After the rally dispersed, Perry was asked to comment on his experience.

“Wow, that was incredible,” he said. “I always wondered how they did that. I had no idea until now how it felt to have the Holy Spirit enter your body,” he marveled.

“Just a quick question,” said Perry. “Was that a real ghost? I mean, I’m not gonna be like possessed or anything now, am I?”

MMA’s Dennis Hallman Explains Wearing Tight Speedos in UFC Fight

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter Dennis “Superman” Hallman caused quite a stir Saturday night when he walked into the UFC ring wearing a too-tight pair of Speedo trucks to take on opponent Brian Ebersole.

UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) President Dana White claims later he was totally embarrassed watching the fight with, as he put it “Hallman’s junk practically in my face.” In fact, he was so offended that after Ebersole beat Hallman in the fight, White rewarded him (Ebersole) with a $70,000 bonus for “getting those horrific shorts out of the ring.”

Asked later about his decision to wear the Speedo trunks, Hallman had this to say “You know what offends me? Guys who shoot first and ask questions later. If Dana would have just come to me and asked me what was up, I would have told him the truth,” said Hallman.

Hallman claims he had a swim date later after the fight on Saturday and decided to just wear his swim trunks into the arena in case the fight ran a little over.

“Don’t you just hate it,” said Hallman, “when people assume things about you based solely on your appearance? Dana is disappointed in his crew. Well, big boo hoo. I’m disappointed in Dana,” said Hallman as he left to get an after-fight spa treatment.

Amazing New Product, Writer Fiber, Cures Writer’s Block

John Aholi, a writer from Hoboken, New Jersey, has had his fair share of days trying to squeeze out short stories to post on his semi-successful blog “The John.” But now, thanks to a new product called Writer Fiber, the words are flowing on The John with little to no effort at all.”

Aholi says there’s nothing crappier than sitting at a computer, straining for just the right words only to have nothing come out for hours on end. “I can’t stress to you how much it means to me to have a product like this. It has taken quite a load off,” he said.

Writer Fiber was developed by Aholi’s writer friend, Curtis Finkter, a full-time pharmacist who moonlights as a features writer for his local newspaper, The Daily Constitution. “I started getting backed up at work and realized it was affecting my writing in a major way,” said Curtis. “I was full of ideas but getting them out was another thing. That’s when I began working on a tablet that would get the juices flowing for writers like me,” he said.

While John jokes that he and his friend Curtis “have always been full of “it,” he can’t thank him enough for the cure for writer’s block. “Thanks to Writer Fiber, we’re finally able to get “it” out on a more regular basis.”

Psychic Predicts Jesus’ Unexpected Return in Early 2012

Hollywood Psychic Miss Lucy doesn’t usually give her New Year’s predictions until the latter part of November. The same is true for this year, with one exception. She claims she had a vision so strong that she could not wait to get the prediction out to her followers so that they can prepare for what’s to come.

In her usual profane way, Miss Lucy warns us to seriously be aware that “God is highly pi$$ed off. So much so,” she says, “that he’s scheduled an early ‘second coming of Christ’ to straighten us humans out and get us re-focused on his original true message.” Miss Lucy says her predictions center mainly on Wall Street, but that America’s Christians are also in for a rough time of it if they don’t get their act together toot sweet.

“It appears that our actions have not gone without notice by the Big Guy, and He’s sending Junior back down here to turn the tables over again and remind us just how much he hates it when humans start thinking they’re more powerful than the one who put them here in the first place.” Lucy claims she was told that God doesn’t look too kindly on those who treat their fellow men poorly for the sake of a buck, and He’s about had it up to here with the rampant greed taking place all over the world. “Those rich ‘Essohbees’ are about to find out just who their CEO really is,” she said.

While Miss Lucy can’t say for certain the exact date Jesus will return, she is warning anyone who has put wealth, power and greed at the top of their “to do” lists to listen up. “He’s coming all right, and if you think a weekly visit to the Chapel of your choice is gonna save you, you better think again.”

Miss Lucy finished her prediction by saying that come early 2012, Jesus himself is gonna be ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. “You can bet your sweet a$$ on that.”

Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush Administration

Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue.

“We’re demanding that the present administration pay a 10% inheritance tax on the $8 trillion worth of debt over the next decade that Obama inherited from George W. Bush,” said Karl Rove at a recent fundraiser. “We fully admit that we laid a goose egg right before leaving office, but hell, that’s no excuse for allowing Barack Obama to get off scott free by not paying any tax on that debt,” said a defiant Rove to thunderous applause.

Hoping to cash in on the belief that “most Americans don’t know diddly about economics and wouldn’t know a tax law if it jumped up and bit them” Rove is confident that this latest ploy will succeed in making it seem plausible that a sitting President can be held responsible for paying inheritance tax on a balance (albeit a negative balance) inherited from the former administration.

When questioned where the money would come from to pay the inheritance tax, Rove replied “That’s not our problem. Let’s let the Democrats figure that part out,” as he went on to explain how corporate “gifting” works. 

Lady Gaga Sings Happy Birthday to President Obama Marilyn Monroe-Style

Friends of Lady Gaga claim they were in awe after receiving news that their famous friend was attending President Obama’s 50^th birthday bash. They weren’t, however, ready for the video showing her very up close and personal song to our nation’s leader.

Ms. Gaga showed up at Chicago’s Aragon Ballroom Wednesday afternoon in her own version of the famous jeweled gown worn by Marilyn Monroe and looked every bit the part right down to her platinum blonde wig and bedroom eyes as she took center stage and belted out the now-famous version of “Happy Birthday Mr. President.”

After the song, Gaga spoke directly to President Obama from the stage, saying, “Sorry, sir, that you had such a rough week. I hope this makes up for some of it,” and with that she went over and gave Obama a peck on the cheek, wished him a Happy Birthday and scurried away in the 10-inch mouse slippers she wore to the event.

Her sultry shenanigans were not lost on the President who later quipped, “I should get shot down in Congress more often.”

X Removed from Alphabet in Austerity Measure

Cuts in education spending in the United States have forced educators to pare costs to a bare minimum. Class sizes have almost doubled, old, worn out textbooks are being used in place of new, and in the latest rounds of cuts, the letter X has been removed from the alphabet. Educators believe that having 25 letters in the American English alphabet instead of 26 will allow children to learn their "letters" more quickly and move them on to the next grade with less effort.

Wallace Grimley, US Superintendent of Education has addressed the issues associated with removal of the letter X in a pamphlet sent home to all parents of school-age children entitled "The X-Factor No Longer Needed in American English," which uses a popular British television show as his premise for telling the parents that the X is not really needed in our alphabet and that we can, in fact, do quite nicely without it.

In the pamphlet, Grimley explains that the letter X is phonetically sounded out as "ecks" and therefore words such as extreme and exercise will benefit the most because not only will the X be removed, but an eckstra E won't be needed in the replacement as in e"ecks"tra. That alone will reduce costs considerably he says. The only problem Grimley sees is the word xylophone. "That is a bit of a sticky wicket for us," claims Grimley. "While all other words that use the "ecks" sound, xylophone uses a "zee" sound. It is for this reason that we have decided to totally remove the word xylophone from the English language. It will be replaced by the more popular glockenspiel or timpani.

Republicans Block Obama Proposal to Change National Anthem to Kumbaya

In an attempt to try to sell the public on the notion that both sides of Congress have come together for the common good of America in agreeing to disagree on most everything related to the national debt, President Obama, before going off to try and sell a second term to his constituents, suggested the National Anthem be changed to Kumbaya.

 Kumbaya is an African-American spiritual song which translates to "Come by Here" and through the years has come to symbolize peace, harmony and compassion toward our fellow man. It is a standard song sung around campfires, in cars by families heading out on the road together, and now, President Obama wants the song to replace the Star-Spangled Banner as our national anthem.

The move didn’t set well with Republicans as you can imagine. "First of all," claims Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), "before now, no one even knew what the song meant. Oh sure, it makes everyone feel all fuzzy warm when they sing it, I guess, but what the hell does 'come by here' have to do with America as a nation? Nothing."

Sen. Lindsey Graham chimed in as well. "I've listened to the lyrics and let me just say that Americans singing ‘someone's sleeping, Lord,' has terrorist attack written all over it. Once our combatant enemies see that we are asleep at the wheel, do you honestly think they aren't going to come after us? The whole thing makes us sound like we're just a country of namby-pambys."

When Senator Graham was told that the lyrics actually were four verses which included "someone's laughing, Lord, someone's crying, Lord, someone's praying, Lord, and someone's singing, Lord," Graham stated "Well then, that's worse. Makes us sound like we're all manic depressive."

The song proposal didn’t even make it to a House vote before being shelved. “I’d dare the President to come up with just one American to believe that the Democrats and Republicans really did come together for that debt ceiling vote. It was just a way to clear the slate so we could all go on vacation. This fight is far from over,” said John Boehner, who then told the press he’s taking a road trip up the New England coast with his family.

Shame," claims Obama. "I really thought we were coming together as a nation and changing our anthem would seal the deal. Guess we just aren't there yet, but I do have hope." To which Boehner responded, “Oh hell, if it makes him feel any better, I’ll get the kids to sing Kumbaya on the way to Martha’s Vineyard.”

Adam Lambert Spelled Backwards is Difficult to Pronounce

Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know.

One thing is certain, playing Adam Lambert songs backwards are also not likely to produce any particularly sage advice. Not that we’ve tried, but from past experience with Beatles’ music, it pretty much is a hodge-podge of words strung together that sound foreign to our ears and which is not helpful in the least.

What we can agree on is this. The connection of writing Adam Lambert backwards as well as doing the same to his music has a distinct correlation when it comes to trying to decipher exactly what it is the Tea Party wants out of the debt ceiling talks.

If we could find a way of winding the thoughts of some of those newly-elected Senators frontwards, we might have a clue as to just what it is they want to accomplish in Washington.

Apologies for ruining a perfectly good article about Adam Lambert with talk of the Tea Party. This may open up a whole new can of worms, but for anyone interested, if you scramble the letters contained in the words Tea Party, you come up with “Tater Pay.” Guess that’s something we can all start to look forward to, except, of course, the country’s unemployed.