From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels. So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California.

It was announced in August 2012 that The Discovery Channel was working on a new reality television series based on the lives of several pot farmers in northern California. Since then, pot lovers all over America have been eagerly anticipating its debut.

Pot Farmers of Humboldt County chronicles the lives of three pot farming families who have struck gold overnight by turning their rural farmlands into pot fields. Pot farming has become a very lucrative, albeit very competitive, business in California, so it goes without saying that this show will provide all the drama that other Discovery Channel shows now airing such as Sons of Guns, Hillbilly Handfishin’, and Moonshiners presently dish out.

Pot farming in Northern California, particularly, has been getting a bum rap for what authorities trying to stop them say are serious environmental violations, from cutting down virgin forests to make room for their burgeoning businesses to poisoning the environment with chemicals pot farmers claim are necessary to grow a healthy crop of a much-desired medicine in California.

One of the stars of the show, Pot Farmers, is a 60-year old hippie named Willie McMillon, who owns nine square miles of farmland in rural Eureka. McMillon heads up his family of seven, including his wife, Sadie, three daughters and two sons, all of whom help out on the farm. McMillon claims that his farm is as organic as it gets and claims the government is just trying to pick bones because they want to see pot farming eradicated and go back to a time when pot was strictly forbidden.

As a side note, Willie is said to own upwards of 100 or more tie-dyed t-shirts, some of which he has owned for as many years as he’s been a hippie. Throughout the show, Willie will be seen wearing his signature bib overalls and a different tie-dyed t-shirt every week, some so old, you can almost see the last threads disintegrate before your very eyes.

 “I’m glad to have this opportunity to show the world that pot farmers in California, well most of us anyways, are doing the best we can to make sure that pot farming doesn’t harm anything Mother Nature has given us,” says Willie on the 2-hour pilot program of Pot Farmers set to air sometime in March 2013.

Willie is most likely referring to two other families featured on the show who grow pot for a living. One in particular is a heated rival and who Willie doesn’t hold back on when describing his dislike for the way they do business. The family, the Hartfields, headed up by Robert “Rick” Hartfield, owner of eleven acres of pot land, live just ‘down the road’ from the McMillons, and this rivalry is as heated as any we’ve seen in recent reality show history. Not even the feud between Nene Leakes and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be able to outshine this modern-day war between pot farmers.

Hartfield has been cited for a few environmental infractions but in the show, he claims the chemicals he uses on his plants are the same ones that tomato and melon farmers in the area use and claims he is being singled out because of the nature of his crop.

In one particularly hard scene to watch, Hartfield has to take one of his dogs that got into the pot shed and ate halfway through a bag of buds to the vet for pot poisoning, but the dog ends up fully recovering with a new nickname “Bud.”

The Hartfields and McMillons, along with another family by the name of Miller, a transplanted Amish family originally from LaGrange, Indiana--another well-known, but as of yet, illegal place that is famous for its home-grown marijuana—make Pot Farmers one of the most anticipated new reality shows to hit the Discovery Channel since Moonshiners.

A producer of the show claims that the economy is partially responsible for these rogue families across the country doing whatever is necessary to keep their families fed and a roof over their heads.

“While families like those featured in another reality show, Duck Dynasty, which airs on rival channel A&E, get their money from the legal business of making hand-crafted duck calls, it is only a matter of time before other families will come forward, regardless of the threat of jail time, to get their families’ names in lights on the various channels that showcase what real America is all about,” she said.

Joan Rivers Brings Honey Boo Boo to Tears over Tutu

The show Fashion Police starring Joan Rivers caught heat over the weekend for a segment thought to be over the top even for Rivers.

Special guest Honey Boo Boo appeared on the show to model her latest tutu and was having a great time, especially meeting her idol, Kelly Osborne, when all of a sudden Rivers shouted, “Get that round little human fart off my show!”

At first, everyone thought Rivers had simply commented on the cuteness of the tutu, but when no one paid any attention to Rivers and continued watching Honey Boo Boo twirl aimlessly around the stage, smiling and waving to the crowd, Rivers became enflamed.

“I said get the hell off my stage you creepy little fart!” said Rivers as she rushed toward the little redneck princess.

Stage hands had to pull Joan away from Honey Boo Boo, who, by this time was sitting in the middle of the stage crying dramatically for her mama. “Oh mama, mama, where for art thou mama?” she cried.

“Oh great,” screamed Rivers, “now she’s Juliet? Get her outta here or I’ll show her the ending of the play alright.”

Rivers was taken back stage and given oxygen while Honey Boo Boo and the clan were rushed away in a limo. 

The last thing heard from Rivers was “What the hell is going on in show business these days? Reality my ass,” as she collected herself to go back on her show for the next segment entitled “Starlet or Steetwalker?”

Jon and Kate Gosselin Reconciliation Deal in Works

Jon Gosselin has finally hit rock bottom. It is being reported he can’t pay his rent. This is the break Kate Gosselin has been waiting for to get the entire Gosselin clan back on television and making enough money to live the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. After all, she and everyone else knows the only reason anyone tuned into the original Jon and Kate Plus 8 was to watch Kate run roughshod over Jon every week.

While some of us have our opinions on exactly how Jon reached this point, we all pretty much agree that if turtle farmers in Louisiana can get their own reality show, then surely the Gosselin clan can rise out of the ashes to gain the top spot on reality television--that is if Jon is finally desperate enough to swallow his pride, beg Kate to take him back, and allow himself to be emasculated once again on national television.

 While Dr. Phil, with whom the Gosselins have met a few times, thinks a reunion show is a terrible idea, that doesn’t seem to be stopping the pair from doing anything in their power, regardless of how damaging it may be to the family as a whole, in order to earn some much needed revenue to save the family homestead.

Sources close to both mama and papa Gosselin say there may just be a deal before the fall season and, in fact, if it were to be announced today, that is all anyone would be talking about, indicating that there is still quite a bit of excitement surrounding a resurrection of Jon and Kate Plus 8—to be named “The Reconciliation.”

If that’s true, what do you suppose we’d be seeing in the upcoming episodes? Here’s a clue:

Kate decides the family should try turtle farming.

Jon settles into his favorite chair and plays Gran Turismo 2 while Kate screams at the kids who are outside trying to catch turtles.

Kate feeds the kids lunch.

Kate yells at the nannies.

Kate fires the nannies.

Kate finds dirt in the corner of Jon’s bathroom.

Jon takes a break from his game to complain to the camera crew that Kate is mean.

The kids fight with each other.

Kate fights with Jon.

Kate fights with the kids.

The kids fight with the turtles.

The family goes on a picnic and someone eats Kate’s special “skinny” lunch. The day is ruined.

Bodyguard Steve Neild magically shows up with another “skinny” lunch to calm Kate down.

The turtles die.

The kids cry.

Final Episode. Kate threatens to give Jon his walking papers again, but leaves it hanging in case they are in need of money come next season. Jon buys a new Playstation3.

If the show does go into production, it is expected to draw millions in viewership and may just be the hottest show of the upcoming season. The only thing producers are waiting for is Jon to come crawling back to Kate and beg for her forgiveness, and for Kate to say yes. A generous salary advance for both of them for the first episode should pretty much clinch the deal.

Woman Loses Touch with Reality after Watching Weeklong Reality Series

TOPEKA, Kansas – A local woman was transported to KVC Psychiatric Hospital Sunday evening after neighbors called 911 to report a crazed woman trying to build a “doomsday bunker” in her back yard.

Norma Lee Fein, 58, was busy using a chainsaw to cut down a tree in her back yard to make room for a planned bunker when her neighbors tried to stop her. When Fein refused to put the chainsaw down, threatening to cut anyone who got in her way, the neighbors called police.

Paramedics were called to the scene, and once officers were able to subdue the woman, it was determined she would be transported to a psychiatric facility for evaluation.

“I was in my living room watching Coast Guard Florida on the Weather Channel when I heard a loud buzzing noise,” said Ed Franklin, Fein’s next door neighbor. “I said to my wife, Edna, “that there sounds like a chain saw.”

Franklin said he went around to the back yard and watched as his neighbor, Norma Lee was getting ready to cut down a maple tree that stood along their mutual fence line.

“Norma’s usually a quiet woman who stays to herself,” said Franklin. “To be honest, I didn’t even know she owned a chain saw,” he said. “Anyways, when I tried to get her to stop cutting the tree down, she threatened to cut me too, so I called the cops.”

Once Fein was subdued and strapped to a gurney for transportation to the hospital, Franklin said he asked Norma what would have made her do such a thing.

“The world’s coming to an end, Ed,” she told me. “I seen it with my own eyes. I been watching the Discovery Channel since Tuesday—that’s when they started with the stories about the end times, the Mayans, Armageddon, all that crap. Then I watched more stories about what’s gonna happen to us, how if the earthquakes don’t get us, the tornados will, or the hurricanes or the tsunamis—course I wasn’t too worried about the tsunamis since I ain’t nowheres near a ocean.”

But Ed says Fein told him that the final breaking point was the show called Doomsday Bunkers where supposedly normal, God-fearing people are using all their hard-earned money to have bunkers built on their property in order to protect their families and their homes from everything from deadly storms to nuclear war to neighbors attacking like zombies.

“I’m guessing she just snapped,” said Ed, who excused himself as Norma Lee was being driven off.

“Sorry guys, but I gotta get back inside now. There’s a show coming on The History Channel called After Armageddon that I don’t wanna miss.”

The Dougherty Gang Getting Their Own Reality Show

The Dougherty Gang, a trio of siblings consisting of two brothers and a sister, are well-known for their crime spree that spanned several states, including Florida, Georgia and Colorado. They don’t mind shooting cops if they have to, and they smile for their mug shots, if they want to.

The gang was finally arrested in Colorado and the siblings are currently being held on more than $2.5 million bond each. But according to reports coming out of Hollywood immediately after the news of their capture, there is a chance that one big reality news network is willing to put up that bond money to get exclusive rights to the story of those three badass kids.

“Let ‘em out, and give ‘em to us,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “With a makeover and the promise of making more than they do now robbing banks, we might just eventually show them a better path.” He then added with a smile, “Oh hell, who am I kidding? With gang member, Lee Grace’s penchant for taking her clothes off, we stand to get way more than just a crime spree with this trio. We might have to hawk this one to Showtime.”

With bail being met, the courts would have no alternative other than to release the kids, and most assuredly, they’d return to their life of crime. The only difference this time would be that there would be cameras rolling and donuts in the crew van every morning for the star criminals before they hit the banks.