Scott Walker Signs Emergency Executive Order Outlawing Recall Elections

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has taken extraordinary steps to make sure there will be no recall election this coming Tuesday.

“By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Wisconsin,” began Walker from the steps of the Governor’s Mansion, “I hereby outlaw any recall elections during my term as Governor.”

Saying he felt no further explanation was necessary, Walker then sat down in a nearby shaded area of the gubernatorial garden and took pen in hand to sign the executive order which had been hastily put together overnight by a special group of attorneys hired by the Governor himself under the direction of the Wisconsin Attorney General.

Once the bill was signed, Walker asked the maid for a cup of coffee and some eggs, sunny-side up, and agreed to answer a few questions before he had his breakfast. However, since the only people in attendance were the attorneys who crafted the bill and a lone state press secretary, no one really bothered to ask Mr. Walker why he took such drastic measures to ensure his position as Governor.

To be fair, Governor Walker said this, “In all honesty, I felt like I’d had enough of this foolishness. For goodness sake, if a governor can sign executive orders calling for special elections, I see no reason why I can’t put a halt to one.”

Walker did say he understood there were going to be hurt feelings from the voters who will find out Monday that there won’t be a recall election after all, and in a rare moment of understanding, he offered this consolation.

“For those who still have jobs in this state, look on the bright side…you won’t have to ask for time off Tuesday to vote." For the others, he offered this.  "Maybe you won’t miss your favorite episode of Jerry Springer after all.”

And with that, he spread a dab of gooseberry jam on his croissant and called a close to the special signing ceremony.

Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames.

The move, while politically necessary according to sources close to Walker, may totally backfire as more and more Cheeseheads realize their backyard bratwurst grilling will be severely curtailed.

“I have the entire clan coming for Memorial Day,” said Lester “Les” Wlkjkewsowski, a life-long resident of Fox Point, Wisconsin. “We were planning our annual three-day wurst fest when news of the burn ban hit.”

While Wlkjkewsowski says he is not happy with the Governor’s mandate, he understands why it had to be initiated. Wlkjkewsowski says he’ll take it on the chin this once and just boil his wieners in beer and serve them up that way in support of Walker.

Meanwhile, other residents aren’t as eager to let things lie. Harold Jankowckicz is directing his anger toward those whom he suspects burned the signs that led to the burn ban.

“It was that liberal couple, Mel and Molly Miller, who just moved here from the big city,” said  Jankowckicz, referring to Milwaukee.

Sonja  Jankowckicz agrees.

“While I’m sure they are the ones who burned the signs, I see this as a larger problem,” said the ample Polish resident. “I heard through the grapevine that the Millers hate the smell of meat grilling and have made threats to bring down the meat eaters in this town.”

“It was only a matter of time,” said Jankowckicz, “before the vegans invaded our meat-lover’s paradise.”

This, however, may just be the tip of the iceberg. Wlkjkewsowski says he and many of the other conservative residents of Fox Point are poised for a much larger battle to come.

“Word on the street is, the Millers also hate beer and polka music,” said Les, who says he is extremely fearful that the weekly gathering at the local gazebo to enjoy a brewski and listen to the local polka band, Don Wurlitzer and the Schnitzel Dogs, will be turned into what he calls “a blubbering lib fest complete with wine tastings and soulful, indy bands.”

Scott Walker’s Wife Withholds Sex Over War on Women’s Rights

MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a little ‘blue’ these days since his wife decided to take a stand against her husband’s continuing attack on women’s rights.

At the annual Maple Bluff Garden Club meeting on Friday, the first lady of Wisconsin told her close friends that certain actions by her husband of late—well actually, every since she’s known him—have finally pushed her over the edge.

Tonette Walker, or ‘Toni’ as she’s known throughout the local social scene, hinted to fellow Garden Club members that her ‘flower garden’ is off limits to her husband until he gets a clue as to how important women’s rights are in this country.

Toni claims it is the first time she’s ever taken a stand against her husband; but, after noting the underhanded way Walker secretly signed a bill into law which would strip women of their right to equal pay, she realized he could do the same to her if they ever divorced.

“Why, he could be squirreling money away right now as we speak, and I’d never know about it,” said Toni, who added tearfully “It’s not all roses living with a political heavyweight,” as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Ironically, the same day the Governor signed the bill to repeal the 2009 Equal Pay Enforcement Act, he also signed into law a bill requiring schools that teach sex education to stress abstinence, not contraceptives, as the only way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.

Wisconsin Masochist Coalition Overjoyed with Tuesday’s Election Results

Ed Note: For those who aren't following my train of thought on this one. Suffice it to say, this was a bit of satire on all the folks who bitch about who is in office, but don't do anything about it. Ya basically just voted to keep the a-holes in office who are hell bent on taking what little you have left and giving it to them that already has. After the earlier protests, I just didn't see those election results coming.

A close-knit group of Wisconsin voters calling themselves the Wisconsin Masochist Coalition (WMC) couldn’t be happier about the results of Tuesday’s recall election whereby the Republican Party lost only two of its six seats to the Democrats. This means Governor Scott Walker will continue to be able to heap his brand of punishment upon the people of Wisconsin without compromise, making the WMC ecstatic.

The WMC was formed after Scott Walker passed a controversial bill earlier this year, stripping the collective bargaining rights of public employees. The voting bloc claims it siezed the perfect opportunity to see to it that their pain would increase by accepting the continuous punishment meted out by Walker and the Republicans in the form of serious budget cuts for the working class people of Wisconsin.

“We are neither Republicans nor are we Democrats,” claims Brutus McNabb of Kenosha, Wisconsin. “We are merely a small group of independent voters who enjoy getting the crap kicked out of us.”

McNabb claims the tougher Walker gets, the happier his group is. “We could not ask for a more perfect leader,” said McNabb. “When he says things like ‘let’s kick some butt’ and ‘don’t mess with Scott Walker or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich,’ well, he’s our guy, no doubt about it.” The WMC claims it will do everything humanly possible to keep, in their words, ‘the Marquis de Wisconsin’ in office.

We’ll continue to vote for Walker,” said McNabb, “because, let’s face it, he won’t be happy until everyone in this state is hurting. And when we’re hurting, we’re happy.”