Koch Brothers Running for President in 2012

The Koch brothers are tired of putting their money behind Republican and Tea Party candidates who they complain are not working fast enough to tear apart the very fabric of this country. They complain that there are still people holding on to that silly “American Dream,” and insist they must be stopped at all costs.

“You would think that after all the money we’ve sunk into abolishing  workers’ union rights in this country, getting the Supreme Court to allow millions of corporate dollars to buy our elected officials, and finally getting people to actually support ridding this country of all its major social programs such as Obamacare, Social Security and Medicare, not to mention total privatization of our schools, hospitals and retirement programs [see video at end of post], we’d have something to show for it,” said David Koch at a private function somewhere in the bowels of Virginia.

But the battle so far has been expensive and the Koch brothers feel that the people they’ve been backing just do not have the stomach to really “fight” for the rights of the rich and powerful by stomping on everyone who gets in their way, which is the hallmark of Koch brothers behavior.

“The problem with America is that the common people still think they have rights on everything from choice of job to sexual orientation, when, in fact, they shouldn’t have those rights; unless, of course, they are rich and powerful like the Koch Brothers,” claims Thurston Winstead, President of Americans for Prosperity, one of the Koch brothers’ better known anti-middle class/poor organizations.

The Koch brothers are tired of watching the people they have hired to run for President botch the selling of every single initiative they [the Koch Brothers] have concocted to silence the “troglodytes” of this country. No offense to Bachmann, Perry and Romney, but the Koch Brothers think those frontrunners just don’t have the stomach to really go after Obama aggressively enough.

It is for this reason, the brothers have decided to stop throwing good money after bad and just buy the office of President of the United States for themselves. All they need is a few more “bought” Supreme Court Justices and they can by-pass the electoral process altogether and just name themselves leaders of the free world (soon to be an oxymoron).

The biggest problem right now for the Koch brothers is deciding which one will be the President of the United States and which one will serve as Vice President. The eldest of the two, Charles Koch, claims that he’s willing to let his younger brother, David, take on the office of President as he, Charles, is just not that into openly pushing his agenda, but would prefer to do his work in the background, from the shadows, if you will.

Meanwhile, David, says he’s always detested the name ‘President and Vice-President’ and would prefer that when they finally take office, they change their titles to something more befitting men of their stature. Sources close to David say the brothers have bandied about such names as His Omnipotence and Supreme Second-in-Command, being much more descriptive of the role they would like to play in America’s future. What the brothers both absolutely agree on is keeping Hillary Rodham Clinton on as Secretary of State as she assumes the role of minion so nicely.

A close friend indicates that “with the Koch Brothers, their evil is pretty much distributed evenly, so just suffice it to say that if and when they do take the highest governmental position in the land, don’t be surprised if the first order of business will be to change the national emblem of America from the majestic bald eagle to the lowly common vulture.”