Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

Impeached Illinois Governor to Speak at Northwestern on Ethics

Former Illinois Governor, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of College Democrats at Northwestern University.

Title of the Event? “Ethics in Politics: An evening with Former Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Idiots. What? They think he’s gonna be up front and honest with them? Guess they’ll just have to learn themselves. Here’s hoping they don’t spend too much on the refreshments. Kool-aid should suffice.  

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

How Atheists Can Cash in on the Rapture

(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.

We were able to find a couple of businesses that have already begun cashing in on the rapture business. One of them, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is a pet-sitting service offered by atheists who are pretty sure that although righteous pet owners will make it into heaven, their pets may not be so lucky. So, for a fee paid prior to the rapture, they will care for your earthbound pet once you’ve crossed over.

Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ lead, we’ve come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance – For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning .

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates – MRE’s (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE’s and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You’ll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets – That’s right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn’t make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors – As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork.

Post-Rapture Storage Facilities – Start selling post-rapture storage space to those who know for a fact that they are going to be swept up but can’t stand the thought of looters going after their art collections, expensive jewelry, or family heirlooms. All you need to do is buy up a few blocks of storage space, preferably climate-controlled and fire-proof, in every city in every state, and then rake in the dollars as you allow folks to load them up with their valuables.

Anti-Christ Weapons Dealer – While no one really knows what type of weapon can kill an Anti-Christ or if such a weapon actually exists, the majority of folks left on earth after the rapture are going to want to do everything in their power to protect themselves from the evil that is to come. You may be able to capitalize on their fear by selling guns that shoot silver bullets, wooden stakes and the ever popular Star Wars light sabers.

“Days of the Apocalypse” 2013 Calendars, Coins and Plates Pre-Sale – Start taking deposits now of $5 each for orders on calendars, commemorative coins and collective plates depicting scenes from the end days believed to hit around December 21, 2012. This isn’t just a world event, it is anticipated to be “the” world event and how better to commemorate it than with beautifully crafted calendars, coins and collective plates?

You see, it may be too late for you to get caught up in the rapture, or you may not even be concerned about being caught up in the rapture, but you can make a quick buck off of it if you plan early enough.

MSNBC , CNBC Threaten Lawsuit Against Palin

Threatening the first ever lawsuit of its kind, two major media outlets, MSNBC and CNBC are kicking around the idea of asking a Federal Judge to decide if Palin is required under the 1^st Amendment to issue free press passes to her upcoming March 12 speech at the Rosen Shingle Creek Resort in Orlando, FL.

Palin, through her booking agency, Washington Speakers Bureau, has stated that although media is not banned from the event, they will have to buy a ticket to attend just like everyone else, and no video or audio recordings will be allowed.

Attorneys for MSNBC are claiming that “Palin’s demands not only place an undue hardship on those seeking direct information as to her readiness to lead a country, but also deny the American public to vicariously, through the media outlets, become a ‘fly on the wall’ and listen in on someone who has her eye on a possible run for the Presidency in 2012. Without the same transparency she expects from President Obama, the American public in general does not really know a whole lot about this folksy beauty queen from Alaska, other than she’s not really keen on hope or change.”

A spokesperson for Washington Speakers Bureau claims that is common for someone of Ms. Palin’s prominence to deny the media entry into her speeches because she may give the same speech over and over, and if word were to leak out about the content of her speeches, there would be no need for her adoring fans to shell out the $250 a pop to see her in the next town over. In addition, WSB claims that MSM reporters don’t like the idea of no audio or video recordings allowed simply because it puts additional onus on them to practice taking notes in shorthand, which they’ve not done since the invention of the micro-mini-recorder.

Political watchdog group, Media Matters in America, says that if the suit is filed, they are ready to file an amicus brief (friend-of-the-Court brief) to state their claim that there is a more simple reason for Palin not allowing the media to attend her speeches. Said attorneys for MMA, “Palin simply is not ready for prime time, and instead of going about the task of learning all she can about foreign relations, the economy, health care reform, and other such pressing issues that a potential presidential candidate should be studying in order to give informed and more intelligent answers, Ms. Palin is trying to get by on what limited information she has as long as she can and as long as the ignorant are buying. One or two more ‘crib notes’ incidents, however, and she may just be finished forever.”

Many MSM news anchors agree that if given the same opportunity today that Katie Couric and Charles Gibson were given to interview Sarah Palin leading up to the 2008 presidential election, they too would have no problem “outing” the depth of her ignorance. 

Keith Olbermann said it best “to deny us the opportunity to sit down and discuss current affairs with Ms. Palin is only prolonging the pain. Sure, as long as most Americans of average intelligence are shielded from her ignorance, they can go on letting her give her speeches and telling us to leave her alone, but if the more intelligent faction of Americans honestly saw just how inept the woman is, it would be over before it started, and the money she commands for her speeches would dry up like the Mojave Desert. Sure, Sarah Palin is dumb, dumb like a fox.”

Meanwhile, if the attorneys for MSNBC and CNBC do decide to file the lawsuit, it must be done within the next few days in order to allow enough time for a ruling before the event on March 12.

Liz Cheney Calls Rachel Maddow “Hot”

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, DC and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.”

But behind the cameras, there was pawlenty going on. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was on hand to cover the conference and word has it that when she and Liz Cheney were introduced outside the hotel they were both staying in, they unexpectedly embraced for what some say was more than just a polite “how do you do.”

After Maddow and friends moved on, Cheney was rumored to have said “Wow, that Rachel Maddow is really hot in person. If I were my sister, I may not have been able to control myself.” Liz, of course, was speaking about her sister, Mary, who is openly gay.

When told about Cheney’s comment, Maddow reportedly replied, “wow, really? Liz? Liz Cheney? Gosh, I don’t know whether to be flattered by that or extremely repulsed.”

How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

Might Tiger Woods Be Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

It was reported that the Friday deadline at 5 p.m. to sign up for next week’s Accenture Match Play golf event was another World Golf Championship event missed by Tiger Woods. It’s reported that he missed the entry deadline for the Dove Mountain event beginning this week as well.

This leads many to wonder if Tiger is suffering from Performance Anxiety. Thoughts of “Will I come out on top again?” “How will I measure up this time out?” and “Can I go the distance or peter out early?” may be running around in Tiger’s head. All we can tell him is that eventually, he’s gonna have to get back on that filly and ride, no matter how painful it might be for him. It just has to be done if he’s gonna get back into the game and make a go again of doing what Tiger Woods does best--play a round.

New Study Proves Americans are Highly Pissed Off

A British team of doctors recently developed a color wheel that they say can be used to determine if mood affects color choice. The wheel, known as the “Manchester Color Wheel” (they obviously were spent after the research and could only muster a rather generic name for their invention), is comprised of a spectrum of colors on a wheel, and subjects were asked to point to the color that best described their mood. The study group consisted of 300 healthy subjects and around 220 subjects suffering from some type of anxiety or depression.

MANCHESTER COLOR WHEEL

Three questions were asked of the subjects, i.e. (1) which color they were most drawn to; (2) what was their favorite color; and (3) if there was a particular color that described their current mood.

The results showed that while a majority of both groups chose yellow as the color they were most drawn to, most everyone also chose a shade of blue as their favorite color. But when asked what color reflected their present mood, the healthy participants chose a shade of yellow, while the depressed group chose a shade of gray.

Following on the heels of this experiment, a group of American doctors attempted to use the Manchester Color Wheel theory on a group of Americans who were neither diagnosed with depression nor normal to see what their moods were when asked 4 key questions about (1) the economy; (2) health care (3) Obama’s stimulus package; and (4) corporate bailouts and bonuses.

“Talk about opening a can of worms,” said researcher, Dennis Rorschach. “Who knew how riled up Americans were about their present situation. I mean, we had grandmothers so tense that we had to pry their fists from the special button presser thingie, because they just were outraged at how their lives had taken such a turn for the worse. We had to literally lie to them and tell them that the results would produce a system whereby they would get the benefits they had been promised if they would just turn loose of the buzzers. It was bizarre, to say the least.”

And it was the same for just about everyone across the board, from school teachers to machinists to out-of-work janitors, the results were the same. In fact, the only group that didn’t even show up on the chart because they were so far from norm were the bankers, insurance brokers and financial wizards, who, for reasons unknown, were unable to participate in the survey.

While the American “Mood-o-Meter” only showed shades of gray and red, the results were decidedly quite a bit more colorful than those attained by the British team. Find the American results below:

 MOOD-o-METER

Hollywood Caught in Weird Juxtaposition Thanks To OpenCarry Movement

Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they believe in.

Case in point. With radical fringe political groups taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to liberty from paying federal taxes and freedom to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, i.e. movies about outlaws and guns. And who better to give it to them than the left-leaning liberals of Hollywood, right? I said right?

News just in: Remakes of the old favorite western television series Big Valley and Gunsmoke are set to hit the big screen soon and talk is that some of the most pro-active liberals on the Hollywood scene are being considered for the lead roles. So far, Susan Sarandon is on tap to play the lead role in Big Valley, and Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds may just have to have a shootout to determine which one of them will be the new Marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke.

Makes us wonder why folks like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris aren’t playing Matt Dillon and Bo Derek or Heather Locklear aren’t chomping at the bit to play the lead role in Big Valley, all of whom are reportedly on the side of the conservatives.

I mean, do you really think a die-hard Sarah Palin fan is going to go see a western with Susan Sarandon in the lead role? Or that anyone who idolizes Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would ever consider a Liberal Marshall Matt Dillon? Hell no. That’s like re-making the Rifleman with Woody Harrelson as the lead.

Hollywood has always been good at make-believe but with the political climate as it stands today, they are going to have to ramp it up a notch or two to serve up the unbelievable. We’re talking left-wing liberal actors and actresses who will need to be so good at their art that they can even get a far right-wing, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, revolutionary to cough up $15 bucks to sit through two hours of their best interpretations of Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty.

It won’t be an easy feat, but then again, Hollywood doesn’t have too many other options because Clint Eastwood is getting up there in years, Mel Gibson has taken the happy train to Crazytown, and Kelsey Grammar, well, best he could probably deliver is a mediocre Doc Holliday.

Open Carry Movement Gets Makeover on Project Runway

Taking their cue from the recent headlines that a group of gun rights activists calling itself the “Open Carry Movement” are flexing their God-given Constitutional right to enter public places with their firearms proudly displayed, the producers of Project Runway thought it would be fun to take ten members, male and female, and give them a new look that will allow them to coordinate their semi-automatic pistols and other firearms with the latest fashions of the season.

Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”

The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.

“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.

The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”

The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.

The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”

Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.

Obama Assistant Caught E-mailing Palin as 2012 Secret Adviser

Washington, DC - Lots of people around this time of year get e-mails and cards and letters from secret admirers that profess from a safe place just how they feel about their romantic targets.

In a troubling story out of Washington though, an aide to President Obama has put quite a twist on the secret admirer thing-y and has used it as a tool against one of the President’s most fierce opponents, Sarah Palin.

Susie (Suze) Ruze was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended after it was learned that she had sent over a couple dozen e-mails directly to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of the W.A.S.P. movement, i.e. Women Against Sarah Palin.

Ms. Ruze was caught when the astute White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, put two and two together. “When I heard Palin state that she was ‘receiving daily e-mailed briefings from people in Washington on events and issues there,’ I got a little suspicious,” said Gibbs. “Then, when I went back and watched a video that had Palin saying ‘Obama could win re-election if he is seen as a tough president in a time of war... for example, that he could play ‘the war card’ by attacking Iran, or express stronger support for Israel,’ well, I knew for sure at that point that someone who must really have it in for Ms. Palin was feeding her some really stupid things to say, and she was taking the bait--hook, line and sinker--and that’s when I started looking at Obama’s own staff members for clues.

We suspected it might be Suze Ruze as she had this funny little tic over her right eye that would get going really good whenever any one of us would say the name Sarah Palin. She just went a little ballistic thinking about the woman.”

When questioned, Ruze finally admitted that she was the one who sent Palin the e-mail about Obama waging war to see just how gullible and uninformed Ms. Palin really was. “I had to think up something that Palin would run with and boy did she scoop that puppy up,” said Ruze. “I did it because she asked for it. Was it not Sarah Palin who said on Fox News that ‘Now, of course, my focus...has been enlarged. So I sure as heck better be more astute on these current events, national issues, than I was two years ago…?’ I figured, wow, what a great opportunity to help a sister out,” said Ruze, who’s eyelid was now ticking uncontrollably.

When Ruze was asked whether or not that was the first time she decided to help Ms. Palin out with a few civics, geography and current events facts, Ms. Ruze replied, “no, I had been doing it on and off long before that. I’d had enough of the ‘seein’ Alaska from her home,’ and not knowing why there were two Koreas, and though those things were pretty annoying, the straw that broke the camel’s back was hearing about her making all that damned money for a book she didn’t even write. I guess I just got carried away with wanting to give her a better understanding of how Washington works.”

But it was the e-mail that advised Palin to talk about Obama using the “war card” that finally led to Ms. Ruze being caught. “If it weren’t for the fact that Suze got bolder and bolder as she went along and went from just giving little innocuous pieces of information to make Palin look a tad unprepared and perhaps not as educated as her contemporaries, to actually telling her to say on national television that President Obama may have a chance of winning an election if he started another controversial war, well, she just went over the top on that one, and it’s the one that got her, and Palin good,” said Gibbs.

The FBI is not giving any details as to the e-mail moniker Susie Ruze used to give her misleading information to Palin, but they have now involved Google, as it appears to have come from a Gmail account both within the White House and a possible second e-mail account outside of the White House. In addition, there may also be several Twitter accounts that are involved and the FBI is looking into this possibility. Because of this, Ms. Ruze’s Blackberry has been confiscated and her account suspended until this can all be sorted out.

Prisoner Brutally Beats Cellmate With Prosthetic Arm

Rochester, NY - An inmate at the Monroe County Jail in Rochester, NY is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off his cellmate’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cellmate, Hugh Buttnum was fitted with a prosthetic arm when he threatened to “tear off Buttnum’s arm and beat him with the bloody stump."

Said Johnson, “Man, what the hell? I was just sitting there minding my own business when Buttnum starts tap, tap tappin’ his damned fingers on the steel bed and singin’ Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen over and over and over again. I warned him, but he just kept it up until I threatened to rip his arm off and beat him with it. How the hell was I supposed to know someone had already done that and the arm I pulled offa him was fake?”

Johnson is being arraigned on charges of ‘attempted murder while armed.’

Secessionist News Passes out Own Survey to Tea Party Attendees

A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. Here is a recreation of the survey in easy-to-read format. We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.

Where Do You Stand as a True American?

Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:

1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie

1. Is the South gonna rise again?

2. Is Obama a (a) Segregationist; (b) Secessionist; (c) Socialist?

3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?

4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty?

5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?

6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?

7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?

8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?

9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?

10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?

11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?

12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?

13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):

Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your favorite color red white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?

Scoring:

1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard

Fox Employee Threatens Suit over Boss’ Excessive Flatulence

A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company.

Ling Chang Phu, personal assistant to Aisle’s executive assistant, stated that she was regularly asked to bring various items into Mr. Ailes’ office throughout the day. “First thing in the morning, it was more like just a rancid coffee smell, but as the day wore on and Mr. Ailes consumed more and more carbs, he began to smell worse and worse so that by the end of the day, I flat out refused to take anything into his office without some type of protective covering over my nose and mouth.”

Said Ailes’ executive assistant, “obviously, we hired Ms. Phu to do the tasks that I either was too busy to handle or that I felt I should not be subjected to, which may or may not have included walking into what we jokingly refer to around here as the “sewer.”

In defending against Ms. Phu’s claims of unsafe working conditions and wrongful termination, News Corp attorneys stated that Ms. Phu knew or should have known about Mr. Aisles’ flatulence problem due to the fact that before her promotion to assistant to the assistant to Ailes, she worked just one floor below his office and complained of a smell not unlike backed-up toilets permeating her airspace and regularly asked maintenance to take a look. “It is our belief that Ms. Phu was well aware of the working conditions she would be exposed to before taking the promotion, and took the promotion thinking that she would be able to withstand the smell for the substantial raise she negotiated.”

It is anticipated that News Corp will attempt to settle this claim without the necessity of Ms. Phu going through with filing a lawsuit because they feel it could open the door to a class-action suit against Fox and Ailes by the entire Fox News Channel staff. Already, there have been rumors of mailroom attendants and other support staff threatening to quit if something isn’t done about retrofitting the office with industrial-strength odor eaters throughout the Fox News offices.

An attempt last year to remedy the situation by ordering fresh flowers be placed strategically throughout the office met with failure when the flowers wouldn’t last a day in the toxic environment. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, joked “yeah, it’s gotten to the point that someone suggested we bring a canary to work and if it dies, we’ll know to get out of here fast.”

We have attempted several times to reach Mr. Ailes for a comment but all times have found him either out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or “in a meeting with Mr. John,” which we’ve since been told is code for bathroom break.

Tea Party Convention Takes on Carnival Atmosphere With Added Gun & Knife Show

Due to waning Interest, the National Tea Party Convention has switched focus. It will now be called the National Tea Party Convention and Great American Gun & Knife Show. Tickets purchased for the Tea Party Convention will not be refunded but can be used for a 30% discount toward any automatic rifle of your choice.

Bring the kids for a day of fun including prizes for the wackiest teabag hat, best southern heritage costume, best marksman in various age groups from 3-16, and face painting in colors that don’t run.

For the adults, a raffle will be held with the grand prize being an AK-47 BullPup Rifle with a years’ supply of ammo and a framed copy of the ever popular poem by D.J. Pickett entitled My Neck is Red, My Skin is White and My Huntin’ Dog’s Named Blue.

Important Convention Announcement by Tea Party Nation

Due to circumstances not entirely out of our control, many of our original sponsors have pulled their support from the first National Tea Party Convention scheduled to take place on February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, TN. Because of this, and the higher than expected fee(s) we unrealistically committed ourselves to paying the keynote speaker(s), we have been forced to drastically cut back on a majority of the activities scheduled for the Convention. Rest assured, the Convention will go on, just not necessarily as originally planned. Also, we ask everyone who has not yet paid their entry fee to do so immediately through our PayPal account. A late fee of $1000 will now apply. We appreciate your understanding.

Following is a list of changes we anticipate making in order to not have to cancel the event (Please pay particular attention to Convention venues and accommodations as they have changed considerably:

Location: Holiday Inn Opryland Airport/Briley Parkway

Accommodations:* Special “kissin’ cousin” price for double occupancy. Use
Code SP2012 for 10% Discount. Kids stay in room free.

Convention Activities:

Thur. 2/4/10 7-8 p.m. Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) - Meet & Greet Reception
with hors d’oeuvres has been changed to “Moonshine
Mixer” - a BYOB event. No hors d’oeuvres but plenty
of Cheez Whiz and crackers at a nominal charge.
Entertainment: DJ spinning all your favorite KYOK
Country Hits – don’t forget to tip the DJ!

Fri. 2/5/10 7:30 a.m. Hotel Lobby - Breakfast not provided. Hot water will,
however, be served, and we suggest using the tea bags
from your hats for a calming cup of tea before we begin
the day’s events. To avoid the high cost of room
service,try the all-you-can-eat biscuit bar at
Hardee’s adjacent to the hotel for just $3.95.

Fri. 2/5/10 Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) – Snacks will include
water and Slim Jims (for a small donation to help
with clean-up costs)

9:00 a.m. Joe the Plumber – “Hell No, I Won’t Pay My Damned Taxes”

10:00 a.m. Larry the Cable Guy (not the comedian) – “Coaxial is
Making a Comeback”

11:00 a.m. Curly the Hair For Men Regional Rep – “Liberals
and Their Bald Lies”

Events scheduled for Friday afternoon through Saturday evening have been cancelled due to lack of funds and interest. However, since we have already committed to paying Ms. Palin $100,000, the sum total of what we hope to take in on this convention, we have decided to go ahead with the banquet on Saturday night and then fold up the tents.

Suggested activities (for an additional small fee) for those staying in town for the banquet include:

Hourly poolside prayer meetings with various local Baptist ministers.

Checkers tournament Saturday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. $2 entry fee per participant.

Movie Madness Thursday and Friday Night at 8 p.m. in Meeting Room 2 (Hee Haw Room)
featuring: Glenn Beck’s Red Sweater – free popcorn and hot water followed by a special showing of Death Panels, Guns & Health Care Town Hall Yell Meetings (click for preview).

Again, we appreciate your patience and understanding.

*Ms. Palin and the organizers for the National Tea Party Convention will remain at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center throughout the convention and the banquet featuring Sarah Palin as keynote speaker will remain at the Gaylord. (The block of suites booked by TPN for this event could not be cancelled without suffering the forfeiture of their deposit of $200.)

Those needing transportation to and from the Holiday Inn may purchase specially-priced bus passes at the hotel lobby. Buses from the Holiday Inn to the Gaylord leave every 20 minutes past the hour. A bus schedule will be made available for a small additional fee.