Theoretical Physicist Fails to Impress America's Got Talent Judges with Wormhole Act

Editor's Note: Since America's Got Talent is currently airing a new season, thought I'd reprise this gem I wrote during last season's auditions. Wouldn't you just love to see this act in Vegas?


Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers.

“I vill attempt to proof da exeestence of vormholes by formulating da equation hopefully vidin da 90 seconts dat eest allowed me,” replied the strange little man in a heavy Swedish accent.

Piers replied, “off you go then.”

The little physicist walked up to the blackboard which had the words “Wormhole Theory” written at the top. He began writing his equation with the fury of a madman, thinking, then erasing, then thinking, then erasing, then writing, scribbling furiously to beat the 90-second clock. When time was up and he continued to write, Piers was the first one to buzz the contestant. The other judges buzzed him as well.

“Sorry, Einstein,” Piers quipped, “time’s up.”

Next it was Howie Mandel’s turn to comment, “You seen one wormhole act, you’ve seen them all,” he said as the audience booed.

Sharon Osborne was a little kinder, “I’m sorry Mr. Temporis, but this particular act just wouldn’t cut it in Vegas, but you are such a sweet man, thank you for trying out.”

With that, the contestant known as Arcus Temporis put down his chalk, walked over to the middle of the stage, appeared to be pantomiming unzipping a curtain and walked through the imaginary opening, disappearing completely from the stage.