Avid Golfer Vilifies Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine.

Clerk: “So, ma’am, are you looking to replace one of your irons or is this a gift?”

Woman: “Oh, neither,” she said. “I don’t golf.”

Mac leaned in, intent on knowing just what, then, this woman was doing in such a holy place if she, in fact, was not a golfer.

“I’m just so afraid of guns,” she told the clerk, who by now looked extremely puzzled.

“But one whack of this sucker upside the head,” said the woman, lifting the 9 iron she had chosen to purchase, “and it’s adios Mr. Burglar.”

The woman then paid her money and left.

“If she’s going to desecrate a sport,” said Mac angrily as he approached the counter with his own purchase, “why the hell didn’t she just go out and buy a baseball bat?”

And added, as he finalized his own purchase, “This is the precise reason the Augusta National Golf Club doesn’t allow women as members.”

Americans Losing Sense of Humor in Wake of Debt Ceiling Talks

Satirists are having one of the worst seasons this year trying to get Americans to laugh about their situations. With home foreclosures still at an all-time high, no real health care reform in sight, and now a deadlocked government where each side wants to see the other fail regardless of how it impacts the little guy, Americans just aren't in the mood to laugh.

“I wrote a story the other day about John Boehner’s golf scores suffering from lack of practice, and it got less than a hundred hits. With the keywords ‘Boehner’ and ‘golf’ alone, I usually get close to 300 hits. If I get the word ‘tan’ in there, which I did, I should easily have gotten over a thousand hits. My numbers are definitely in the toilet,” said Hubert McCain (no relation to John McCain, although we can’t be certain) who declined to disclose his hometown.

Speaking of toilets, even writers on toilet humor sites are seeing a drop in readership. What used to be the number one draw in sophomoric humor, farting stories are simply not getting any attention these days. Writers who bet the farm on websites centered around farting are losing big time. They are facing their own debt crises. “We’re in deep doo doo,” said one writer who even fell flat trying to joke about the fact that no one finds his poop stories humorous anymore.

“Historically,” said Happy Kline, “whenever there was a downturn in the economy, humor was about the only thing America had going for it and comedians and jokesters made a pretty good earning making sure things didn’t get too serious. But with this latest budget crisis on top of the housing crisis, terrorist thingie, and all those damned tsunamis and earthquakes, we are just not able to put on our clown faces and make anyone laugh anymore.”

McCain agreed. “I just don’t get it. We have some of the nuttiest political candidates we’ve ever had in our lives running for President in 2012 and not one person can find the humor in that. It’s said,” he said, “a real waste of material.”

Might Tiger Woods Be Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

It was reported that the Friday deadline at 5 p.m. to sign up for next week’s Accenture Match Play golf event was another World Golf Championship event missed by Tiger Woods. It’s reported that he missed the entry deadline for the Dove Mountain event beginning this week as well.

This leads many to wonder if Tiger is suffering from Performance Anxiety. Thoughts of “Will I come out on top again?” “How will I measure up this time out?” and “Can I go the distance or peter out early?” may be running around in Tiger’s head. All we can tell him is that eventually, he’s gonna have to get back on that filly and ride, no matter how painful it might be for him. It just has to be done if he’s gonna get back into the game and make a go again of doing what Tiger Woods does best--play a round.