Gun Bubble is Real Claims Financial Wizard

E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia.

Worthington likened the gun bubble to the 2008 housing bubble, and says it is a real thing. He related the story of one gun buyer who was in the market for a revolver.

“Two months ago that gun would have cost him only $300, but because he was uneducated and in a panic,” said Worthington, “the man ended up spending upwards of $1200 for the same gun. Just like the over-priced home, this guy’s gun will eventually end up ‘under water.’”

Worthington finished his lecture with this piece of advice. “If you are just buying them to make a profit, save your dough, cause two things are gonna happen. First of all, you can’t buy it now without taking out a second mortgage out on your already over-priced home, and secondly, think about it folks, there are 300 million guns in America. Don’tcha think the market’s just a bit saturated?”

Worthington’s last comment was met with several boos and hisses, but after he was finished speaking, the crowd was hushed, and a nervous twitter enveloped the large conference center located at the local Roanoke Holiday Inn. Attendees were lovingly stroking their over-priced firearms, as the fear of Worthington’s words began to sink in.

What Worthington was trying to get across is that the time to buy low and sell high has run its course, and after a month or so, that $2,000 Derringer is going to go back to its regular price of $139.95 plus tax, or so he predicts. He claims that when the bottom falls out of the weapons trade, those high-priced, high-powered rifles aren’t gonna be worth the powder to blow them to hell.

In a related news story, a class-action lawsuit has been brought against the largest gun dealer in Little Hope, Arkansas accusing him of price gouging. The lawsuit claims that Hubert “Bertie” Folsom is charging upwards of $1000 for handguns that even on the black market would only fetch maybe $300.

One of Folsom’s regular customers brought the lawsuit after he begged and pleaded Bertie to sell him a couple of guns at the “before-panic” price so that he’d have enough money left over to feed his family. John Dodger claims Folsom just laughed at him and told him to pony up or get outta his store.

Similar lawsuits are expected to be filed all over the country as more and more gun shop owners price their merchandise out of reach for their regular customers. This practice, say the Plaintiffs, is clearly putting many law-abiding citizens at a distinct disadvantage in exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.

Missouri Proposes Plan to Switch From Public to Home Schooling System

Kansas City, MISSOURI – As the school year starts up again around the country, news of a radical plan to totally abolish the public school system in the state of Missouri seems to be wildly popular with just about everyone who lives there. In fact, the plan is so popular that a referendum has been placed on the November ballot asking Missouri citizens to vote for or against changing the public school system over to a private system which encourages home schooling.

According to several far right conservative lawmakers, this change has been a long time coming. Tired of the bureaucratic red tape they’ve been fighting for years from the federal government, many are saying it’s not worth the extra money they get from Washington to not be able to school their children the way they want to.

Kansas City assistant school superintendent, Grover Danquist, who first proposed the idea in 2010, assured reporters it wasn’t the fact that Missouri schools have one of the highest percentages of illiterate students in the nation that spurred them on to such a radical change.

“Naw, that ain’t why we’re doing it,” said Danquist. 

“We’re just sick and tired of being required to offer classes like science and math when the most important things we should be teaching our kids is how to pray and shoot a gun.”

Danquist elaborated. “Ever since they took prayer out of the classrooms, we’ve gone downhill. Home schooling provides parents the opportunity to have an ultimate say-so in what their kids are learning,” and, he added, “Most of us firmly believe that the end times are nigh, meaning it’s time to put away the school books and start picking up the Bibles.”

Danquist also said that most Missourians he knew felt it was absolutely essential that their young citizens learn how to shoot a gun as early as possible. 

“We ain’t talking about none of that zombie nonsense,” he said, “but when the end days do come, we just have to make sure everyone knows how to defend themselves.”

Danquist and others like him are targeting public education programs they claim are teaching their kids the wrong ideals. 

“We don’t need science to tell us the weather is crappy, and we don’t need science to tell us where we came from. We came from God, period,” he said.

An official spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Education, who was asked to comment on this story, said they weren’t aware of the situation but gave us an off-the-cuff response.

“Sure, fine, whatever. Couldn’t be any worse than the system they have in place now."

Ohio Allows Minors to Purchase Guns as Father’s Day Gifts

Ohio Governor John Kasich has signed a temporary executive order allowing children as young as ten-years old to purchase hunting rifles and ammunition for their fathers as gifts on Father’s Day. The program, dubbed “Shotgun Sunday” is part of a bid by Kasich to keep his constituents happy during these troubled political times.


“I thought to myself, how can I keep Ohioans happy so they’ll stop all their grumbling about impeachment? That’s when it hit me--give them more opportunities to buy guns,” said Kasich as he announced the new law at a gun show in Portsmouth, Ohio early last month.


Gun shop owners have been busy filling out the necessary forms that will allow them to sell firearms to minors for a short one-week period culminating in what some claim will be the best Father’s Day ever for Ohio dads.


“What better way to say ‘I love you, Dad’ than to present your father with a hunting rifle, some camouflage overalls and a box of ammunition,” said a Kasich spokesperson. 


Unfortunately, the largest seller of firearms in Ohio, Walmart, didn’t sign up for the program, and therefore, the kids who want to partake in this promotional sale will have to shell out a little more money at one of the higher end gun shops in the state. 


Uncle Sam’s Gun Emporium in Cincinnati, Ohio is having a BOGO sale all this week in honor of Father’s Day and says that, at times, there have been customers lining up around the corner to get in on the deal.


Timmy Wilkerson, 10, and his mother, Sue showed up first thing after Church this past Sunday to pick out a pair of father/son Remingtons he’s had his eye on for some time now. 


“Boy,” said Timmy, “this is just swell. While admitting he only had $3.75 in his piggy bank, which these days doesn’t buy a whole lot, Timmy said his mom was more than happy to pitch in a couple hundred more to help him make this Father’s Day very special for his dad.


Meanwhile, Governor Kasich claims that if this new temporary law is a hit, he’s got quite a few other ideas he’d like to try out his executive order privileges on, such as “Tax-Free Luxury Item Tuesdays” and “My Way or the Highway Budget Proposals,” especially now that Governor Scott Walker has paved the way for an anything-goes government model.

Glamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive

Indicative of the offerings at Glamour Guns & Ammo

Proud gun owner Patricia “Pickles” McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. Glamour Guns & Ammo will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers from around the world, from solid gold pistols to tiny Derringers in designer colors.

“I got the idea one day in my gun shop counting how many “Annies” (a term Pickles uses to refer to her female customers—named after the famous Annie Oakley) were coming into my shop looking for something that would discreetly fit into their handbags while doing the job they were meant to do.”

While women carrying guns in Lubbock isn’t all that unusual, it [Lubbock] isn’t the kind of town you would associate with high society. So, Pickles’ idea of bringing the guns to the ladies instead of vice versa had always been in the back of her head. A big fan of Project Runway and it’s runoff Project Accessory, Pickles got the grand idea of giving the uber rich their own guns and ammo store on Rodeo Drive.

“Look honey, I don’t care if you are going to a live show at the local theatre or having your picture taken on the red carpet, you want to make sure you are fully protected, and if the gun matches the outfit, well, that’s just icing (no pun intended) on the cake,” said Pickles in her sweet Texan drawl.

Pickles claims that most women in the upper echelons of society have always carried guns, but now with the advent of more and more open carry laws taking effect, they want something that, when taken out of their waistband or pocketbooks, doesn’t clash with their outfits.

“The kind of client I’m going after wouldn’t be caught dead using a plain old black revolver on the shooting range. She’s gonna want to wow them with my ‘Perfectly Pink’ target pistol,” says Pickles.

Glamour Gun’s inventory includes a diamond-studded Beretta Nano that is to die for at any cocktail party. It also offers cute little Cobra Derringers in just about any color you can imagine. In fact, says Pickles, if there is a special occasion you have coming up and she doesn’t have a gun for you in just the right color, give her enough time and she’ll have one made for you. 

“It’s kinda like having the shoes dyed to match the dress kinda deal,” says McQuarty.

Asked about the location, Pickles said that’s just about the best thing in the world about her new store. “Rodeo Drive. Honey, just how much more cowgirl can you get?”

When you Picnic this Monday, Don't Forget to Plan Fun Activities for the Kids

When Daddy said we was gonna

go do something fun this Memorial Day,

I was thinking ice cream and ponies

You should see the gun

that fires these suckers off

 Jeb (8) and Buddy (6) were the designated

shooters at this little longneck soiree

Oops, sorry Mom and Dad, didn't mean to
interrupt your militia meeting. Just wanted
another juice box and some blasting caps.

Ed Note:  This is a satire site and as such, I am obligated to write satire.

As much as I detest this particular style of parenting, I must balance the ludicrous with the mundane, and throw in a pinch of sensationalism. I believe I have done so here. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Palin Explains Mixup in Map Displayed on SarahPAC Website

"Oh gosh, when I woke up Sunday morning, I was just horrified to see my US map with the gun sites directed at US states and names of lawmakers printed below,” claimed a somewhat contrite Sarah Palin in attempting to explain the offending map posted on her SarahPAC web page. “Someone screwed up, and when I find out who it is, they will be reprimanded,” said Sarah Palin in an official denial of any wrongdoing on her part.

When asked to explain then what the map was indicating. “Well gosh,” said Palin, “I used those there crosshair icons on a couple of maps. One was a map I used to strategize my next moose hunts in the upcoming year, and and I also used them on a map I used as a joke to show my helpers about putting our sites on the best darn Christmas sales on Black Friday.” Palin claims she has no idea how the caption came to be attached to this innocuous map and further claims that it was a joke that didn’t have such a great punch line.

“Oh, I remember now,” said Palin, appearing somewhat embarrassed, “that was going to be a calendar gift for all my friends at Christmas. The caption was supposed to be the dates and locations this year I’d be stopping in to give speeches on gun rights.” Then she added, “Someone just got their facts wrong is all. Happens all the time.”

When asked if she was willing to admit there could be a misunderstanding when seeing the map and thusly, the appropriate thing to do would be to take the map entirely off her website, innocuous or not, she replied, “Well, gosh darnit, ya know, we’ve tried that, but it just keeps reloading.”

Gun and Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA - Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job--scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off this damned trigger.”

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA in Charlotte, NC

Charlotte, NC – It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics.

But wait, that’s not all! The gathering will bring out not only big guns in the sense of cannons and rocket and grenade launchers, but big guns in the sense of big-name conservative speakers like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and others whose names are synonymous with guns--leaders who will do the best job they can to get the crowd riled up and angrier than they’ve ever been about the power they need to reclaim. Guns and taking back power, a kick-ass combination if there ever was one, just ask Chuck Norris, another notable on the guest list. We just hope the walls of the convention center are sturdy enough to contain all that raucous enthusiasm.

If you want to see more guns than you’ve ever seen in your life in one place, just head on down to Charlotte, North Carolina to the biggest gun show on earth. You won’t be disappointed. And the NRA has spared no expense to ensure your safety. The floors of the convention center will be lined end-to-end with “puppy piddle pads” so that no attendees will slip on what is expected to be the worlds’ largest drool pool.

Just don’t bring your own gun because the sign out front reads “no open or concealed carry weapons on Convention Center property.”

How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.

Hollywood Caught in Weird Juxtaposition Thanks To OpenCarry Movement

Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they believe in.

Case in point. With radical fringe political groups taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to liberty from paying federal taxes and freedom to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, i.e. movies about outlaws and guns. And who better to give it to them than the left-leaning liberals of Hollywood, right? I said right?

News just in: Remakes of the old favorite western television series Big Valley and Gunsmoke are set to hit the big screen soon and talk is that some of the most pro-active liberals on the Hollywood scene are being considered for the lead roles. So far, Susan Sarandon is on tap to play the lead role in Big Valley, and Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds may just have to have a shootout to determine which one of them will be the new Marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke.

Makes us wonder why folks like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris aren’t playing Matt Dillon and Bo Derek or Heather Locklear aren’t chomping at the bit to play the lead role in Big Valley, all of whom are reportedly on the side of the conservatives.

I mean, do you really think a die-hard Sarah Palin fan is going to go see a western with Susan Sarandon in the lead role? Or that anyone who idolizes Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would ever consider a Liberal Marshall Matt Dillon? Hell no. That’s like re-making the Rifleman with Woody Harrelson as the lead.

Hollywood has always been good at make-believe but with the political climate as it stands today, they are going to have to ramp it up a notch or two to serve up the unbelievable. We’re talking left-wing liberal actors and actresses who will need to be so good at their art that they can even get a far right-wing, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, revolutionary to cough up $15 bucks to sit through two hours of their best interpretations of Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty.

It won’t be an easy feat, but then again, Hollywood doesn’t have too many other options because Clint Eastwood is getting up there in years, Mel Gibson has taken the happy train to Crazytown, and Kelsey Grammar, well, best he could probably deliver is a mediocre Doc Holliday.

Open Carry Movement Gets Makeover on Project Runway

Taking their cue from the recent headlines that a group of gun rights activists calling itself the “Open Carry Movement” are flexing their God-given Constitutional right to enter public places with their firearms proudly displayed, the producers of Project Runway thought it would be fun to take ten members, male and female, and give them a new look that will allow them to coordinate their semi-automatic pistols and other firearms with the latest fashions of the season.

Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”

The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.

“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.

The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”

The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.

The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”

Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.

Secessionist News Passes out Own Survey to Tea Party Attendees

A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. Here is a recreation of the survey in easy-to-read format. We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.

Where Do You Stand as a True American?

Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:

1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie

1. Is the South gonna rise again?

2. Is Obama a (a) Segregationist; (b) Secessionist; (c) Socialist?

3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?

4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty?

5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?

6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?

7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?

8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?

9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?

10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?

11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?

12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?

13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):

Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your favorite color red white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?

Scoring:

1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard

God Sues Missouri Truck Dealer

Butler, MO - Earlier this month, God sent a couple of angels down to file a restraining order in Bale County Court against Mark Muller of Max Motors, demanding he cease and desist from using his (the Almighty’s) name in the company logo “God, Guns, Guts and American Pick Up Trucks. Max Motors is giving away a voucher for an AK-47 rifle with every purchase of a truck. God told him more than once “don’t make me come down there.” Muller refused, saying it’s his God-given right, but then retracted that statement when confronted by God himself, who appeared as a thunderous lightening bolt.

When pressed as to why he is so upset that a professed Christian is using his name to promote trucks, guns and pride in country, God said “I am God. I decide who can and cannot use my name for promotional purposes. I’m getting tired of people like him making it harder to get the other religions to acknowledge me as their one true God. It has to stop someplace. Guys like him are giving me a bad name.”

Moments after the blinding white light of the Creator ascended back into the heavens, Muller went back to passing out AK-47 vouchers. “Don’t worry” he said. “Come Church on Sunday, all my sins will be washed away and I can start fresh with God.”