Letters from Celebrity Summer Camp

Ed Note: Yet another reprise of camp stories since summer camp season is just around the corner. Enjoy

Here are a couple of letters from the older teens who have 'been there and done that.'

Dear Mother,

I just cannot believe how utterly ridiculous this camp is. I mean, they make us do everything for ourselves. I actually have to make my own bed in the morning, and I have now been told that if I want clean shorts, that I, Me! will have to wash the dirty ones out myself. This is a travesty!

And you simply won't believe the almost inedible food I am being made to eat every meal. Do these people not know about indoor cooking? Last night I actually had to eat beans from a can. I know you are doing this to make me a better person, but honestly, mother, this is going too far.

I am totally unable to relate to my bunk mate. She simply doesn't have the upbringing that I have had, and it is a struggle just to have a conversation with her. Last night she started to tell me her life story practically. I mean, really, quick way to bore someone, am I right?

On the bright side, I can't wait to brag to all my friends that you sent me to the best drama camp in the country this summer. Kudos to you on that, mummy.

Literally yours,

Kylie Kardashian

Camp Cinderella

P.S. Is this the same drama camp you sent Kim and Khloe to when they were my age?

                          ******

Dad, Sir!

I am only writing this because I was told that if I do not write home every other day, I will get latrine duty and I don't want latrine duty.

So, I really must ask this question, when you sent me to Marine Military Camp, did you know that they have a don't ask, don't tell policy? Actually, of course, it didn't enter your mind because how could the thought of possibly having a gay son ever enter your mind? After all, you are all man and all we've ever talked about was guns, sports and how to keep women in their place, eh pop?

Well, this little experience in testosterone hell has taught me a lot about myself. I found out that there are more gay boys my age interested in the military than I could have ever imagined.

I have to admit, the pugil stick pit and the firing range aren't really my cup of tea, but come lights out, this little camp starts a hoppin'. I am so thankful you didn't listen to me when I told you I'd rather go to ballet camp (my tutu is actually a big hit).

Have I told you lately I love you dad? Not in a gay way, of course, so don't get crazy on me. Just want to say thank you for opening my eyes and helping me make the most important decision of my life. I hope you and mom will be able to come to watch me in the mud-wrestling matches this Saturday. They say I am a natural.

Semper fi.

Mel, Jr.

Hollywood Caught in Weird Juxtaposition Thanks To OpenCarry Movement

Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they believe in.

Case in point. With radical fringe political groups taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to liberty from paying federal taxes and freedom to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, i.e. movies about outlaws and guns. And who better to give it to them than the left-leaning liberals of Hollywood, right? I said right?

News just in: Remakes of the old favorite western television series Big Valley and Gunsmoke are set to hit the big screen soon and talk is that some of the most pro-active liberals on the Hollywood scene are being considered for the lead roles. So far, Susan Sarandon is on tap to play the lead role in Big Valley, and Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds may just have to have a shootout to determine which one of them will be the new Marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke.

Makes us wonder why folks like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris aren’t playing Matt Dillon and Bo Derek or Heather Locklear aren’t chomping at the bit to play the lead role in Big Valley, all of whom are reportedly on the side of the conservatives.

I mean, do you really think a die-hard Sarah Palin fan is going to go see a western with Susan Sarandon in the lead role? Or that anyone who idolizes Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would ever consider a Liberal Marshall Matt Dillon? Hell no. That’s like re-making the Rifleman with Woody Harrelson as the lead.

Hollywood has always been good at make-believe but with the political climate as it stands today, they are going to have to ramp it up a notch or two to serve up the unbelievable. We’re talking left-wing liberal actors and actresses who will need to be so good at their art that they can even get a far right-wing, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, revolutionary to cough up $15 bucks to sit through two hours of their best interpretations of Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty.

It won’t be an easy feat, but then again, Hollywood doesn’t have too many other options because Clint Eastwood is getting up there in years, Mel Gibson has taken the happy train to Crazytown, and Kelsey Grammar, well, best he could probably deliver is a mediocre Doc Holliday.

Mel Gibson: Just Making it Up as I Go Along Folks

Just when you think Mel Gibson couldn’t get any more unwound, out pops a story that makes you shake your head all over again. It’s one thing to reach a certain point in your life where you begin to question the religious tenets fed you in childhood and begin a personal spiritual journey to determine what your belief system may really be. It’s quite another thing, though, to simply take the parts of your childhood religion that you don’t like and twist them in such a way that it benefits you and your egg-headed life decisions.

Case in point, Mel Gibson's request to the Catholic Church to have his marriage annulled. This has to piss off a few people. For starters, his eight kids? What is it with 8 kids being in the news all the time too? Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to Mel. Perhaps he’s beginning to believe the stories that he has more money than God. Whatever it is, he seems to be using his money to cure what makes him unhappy, and he’s doing it in larger than life ways.

Unhappy with your church? Build your own. Mel had his own church built in the Malibu Hills called the Church of the Holy Family.(Emphasis on Family) Sorry, but this just cracks me up. You’ll see why in a minute. Anyway, Mel broke with the Catholic Church and evidently thinks others want to follow in his footsteps, so he’s giving them a place to do it. If you have the money and the inclination, I say why not?

Here’s the funny part though. Since Gibson can’t persuade the Catholic Church to annul his marriage, he can just annul it himself. Clever eh? It goes to follow that the Catholic Church will not bless his union with wife #2, who, by the way is preggers with his child out of wedlock, another Catholic no-no, so he’ll get married in his own Church. See where this is headed? Mel has, himself, gotten so high and mighty that he can do just about anything and have it approved by or pardoned by a Church, albeit the Mel Gibson Church of the Holy Family.

And sure, he may be able to get away with it down here, but wait till God gets a hold of him.