Having Lady Gaga For a Sister Turns Sister into a Sister

It had to happen, a family member who chooses a life career totally opposite from that of her sibling because her sibling is just so over the top. Case in point, Lady Gaga (nee Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) has a sister who just graduated from high school and is now planning on becoming a nun. She has enrolled in nun school.

Natali Germanotta, Gaga’s 18-year old sister, and her parents have reportedly contacted Sisters of the Sacred Heart to look into Natali attending a summer program to speed her on her way to complete sisterhood.  “Oh I like my sister Stefani ok,” said Natalia looking a bit intimidated, “but she has so many weird ideas and my mom and dad, they want at least one of us to make something out of ourselves, and since she is already doing her Gaga thing, I guess it’s up to me.” Natalia was interviewed while sitting closely between her mother and father, with no chance for escape.

The Germanottas are said to be extremely happy that one of their daughters is going on to become a nun. “It was our wish for Stefani to be a nun eventually, to grow out of her desire to be in the spotlight all the time, but when we saw her outfits getting more and more outrageous, to the point of sacrilege, well, we turned our sights on little Natalia,” said Joseph Germanotta.

When asked if they knew that Natali had appeared in her sister’s “Telephone” video, they appeared somewhat shocked. “Well, yes, of course, said Mrs. Germanotta, “we knew. She was just a background person though, and I believe we’ve caught our sweet little Natalia in time so that she won’t be going down the same road as her sister Stefani.”

Rumors that Natalia held up a sign in the “Telephone” video with the words “help me” have all but been debunked by the Germanottas and their Church.

Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering

Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.

Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”

A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”

Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”

Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”

Palin Hopes to Woo Brown with Speech to Naturist-Christians Group

San Bernardino, CA – When Sarah Palin was approached back in September of last year to speak at a gathering of Christian nudists who were interested in opening a nudist chapter of the Tea Party Movement, she respectfully declined, not wanting to upset her more fundamental followers and fearing a leftist media circus if she even considered it.

However, she was asked again to speak earlier this week and did an abrupt about face. Many are speculating on what exactly happened to change Sarah’s mind. Was it a new openness she’s gained through her many encounters with folks who think differently than she does? Certainly not. Everyone in her camp speaks the same language. Is she ready to dis-robe for liberty? Not likely.

No, the ever-scheming Sarah has a plan. She is doing everything she can to get Scott Brown to acknowledge her as an equal, even to the point of doing things that make her question her belief systems, such as grown-ups, when around children, should always be clothed. Sarah, like most everyone else, equates Scott Brown with nudity. How can they not? His nude centerfold from Cosmopolitan from years ago has been plastered on everything except the side of a downtown D.C. public bus.

In all fairness, a local reporter finally pinned Sarah down and asked her exactly why she’s doing it, “Well, ya know, I am a Christian first and foremost, so that was one of my considerations, and yeah, I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t tell ya Scott had something to do with this. I actually think it’ll be a hoot. I already use an old trick John McCain taught me of imagining my crowd naked when I do my regular speeches anyways, so this will just be more real. The folks who are planning the speech have assured me that no ‘male appendages’ will be in my direct line of vision when I’m looking down at the notes on my palms. I just hope ol’ Scott appreciates the lengths (no pun intended) I’m going to to get him to like me, gosh darn it.”

Open Carry Movement Gets Makeover on Project Runway

Taking their cue from the recent headlines that a group of gun rights activists calling itself the “Open Carry Movement” are flexing their God-given Constitutional right to enter public places with their firearms proudly displayed, the producers of Project Runway thought it would be fun to take ten members, male and female, and give them a new look that will allow them to coordinate their semi-automatic pistols and other firearms with the latest fashions of the season.

Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”

The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.

“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.

The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”

The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.

The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”

Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.

Tea Party Convention Takes on Carnival Atmosphere With Added Gun & Knife Show

Due to waning Interest, the National Tea Party Convention has switched focus. It will now be called the National Tea Party Convention and Great American Gun & Knife Show. Tickets purchased for the Tea Party Convention will not be refunded but can be used for a 30% discount toward any automatic rifle of your choice.

Bring the kids for a day of fun including prizes for the wackiest teabag hat, best southern heritage costume, best marksman in various age groups from 3-16, and face painting in colors that don’t run.

For the adults, a raffle will be held with the grand prize being an AK-47 BullPup Rifle with a years’ supply of ammo and a framed copy of the ever popular poem by D.J. Pickett entitled My Neck is Red, My Skin is White and My Huntin’ Dog’s Named Blue.