Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.

Song Parody - IF I ONLY HAD SOME HEIGHT

Here it is folks, the video you've all been waiting to see, not in technicolor, but as it was meant to be seen...in North Korean Black and White. So get a tub of popcorn, or some k-rations and gather the family around the computer for about a minute of fun (hey, what do you want? It took me a day and a half just to get this short film done).

Oh, and one more thing...watch your back Weird Al - I'm a gunnin' for you.
Click the link below:

Kim Jong-Un's If I Only Had Some Height

(Sung to If I Only Had aBrain)

If I just had me some stature,

my ego wouldn't fracture

I wouldn't be so rude.

I would be a nicer guy and say

Heck I don't hate the USA

I'd be a gnarly dude.

I wouldn't need no help

To reach the upper shelf

I'd get things on my own

And I wouldn't need a ladder

just to empty my bladder

if my legs had only grown.

If I were a bigger guy

I'd be tall enough to maybe touch the sky

I wouldn't have to try to sit up straight

That's if my height was six foot eight.

If I grew in adolescence

or even pre-pubescence,

I'd be so outta sight

I could look  you in the eye

Cause I'd be a taller guy

If I only had some height.

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Too

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too.

Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

"Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim."

And then this, "You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood."

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

"No, no man, my blood, it's like...oh never mind."

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

"What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no...wait yeah, I wanna go golfing.

"You got clubs?"

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

"No, no, man, c'mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing..."

No, Joe, we don't have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans.

Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

"Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh."

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek's Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea's basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un's uncle, Jang Song Thaek today.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early this morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual this afternoon.

His closest friends can only speculate that Rodman made public his renewed commitment to travel to North Korea this upcoming Monday following the execution in order to remain on the good side of the quick-tempered Jong Un.

How long Rodman will remain in hiding is anyone's guess.

"He got in over his head on this one," said one friend identified only as "Dunker." Dunker said the last time he talked to Rodman, which was last week for a game of one-on-one, Rodman didn't appear as biggety as normal.

"He was all quiet like, you know, he had something on his mind, and he played a terrible game that day."

Dunker remembers though, there was something else about Rodman.

"Something he said to me kinda curdled my blood. He said he knew something was going down and he'd probably have to leave town for awhile, but he wouldn't say what it was."

And now after the execution, Dunker was asked, "Do you think it was the execution? That Dennis Rodman knew about the execution and was asked to keep quiet until it was carried out?"

"Worse," said Dunker. "He might just be the next one to be executed," Dunker predicted.

Asked why he thought Kim Jong Un would want to execute his best friend in the whole world, Dunker confided.

"Well, imagine you are Dennis, who, after all, has not led a very saintly existence and you just hear that your North Korean friend has executed his favorite childhood uncle for the charge of leading a 'capitalist decadent lifestyle...a dissolute, depraved life, squandered money...,' etc. Need me to go on?"

North Korean Defense Contractor Retrofits Tanks to Accommodate Tiny Leader

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has been absent from the news for going on two weeks and rumors about his absence range from the fact that he got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow back properly, ala Elvis style, to being heartbroken over the fact that he won’t allow Toyota to export their latest models to his country, thereby leaving him to continue driving an inferior 1997 Kia Rio to all major events.

However the truth was finally leaked this weekend when word got out that North Korea’s official defense contractor has been using up Un’s valuable time personally fitting him for his own personal line of defense weapons, from assault rifles, to assault tanks, to James Bond-type personal jet packs.

The issue of Kim Jong-Un’s size came up during Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea. Upon showing off for the former basketball great, it was discovered that Un could not reach the peddles on the tank or see over the steering wheel, resulting in an embarrassing moment when the tank the two compadres were riding in crashed into a squid stand, sending seafood flying into the marketplace.

While Rodman assured his BFF that size never really mattered, the accident left an emotional scar, not to mention the embarrassing walk back to Un’s Kia to drive back to the royal palace for a dinner of shrimp and wieners. No one had the guts to discuss the disastrous one-on-one basketball game between Un and Rodman before the tank incident either. Seems Un is only able to get the ball anywhere near the net by throwing it from between his legs like a 10-year old girl.

Thank God Rodman has been smart enough during the few games they’ve played to keep this tidbit to himself and compliment Un on his unique shooting skills.

With regards to the specially-fitted military weaponry, Reporters say they are looking forward to the unveiling, and Kim’s ability to operate the tank in a safer manner at an upcoming military parade where Rodman is expected to show up in full Korean military dress to honor the quirky, yet scariest little dictator to come along in a very long time.

When asked why he is returning to see the Supreme leader again, Rodman candidly let loose that he and Un had almost a Michael Jackson sleepover moment during his last visit that both thoroughly enjoyed.

“Last time I was there, we got out the camo blankets and draped them over chairs and other furniture in the living room and played Battleship for hours,” said Rodman, adding “I can’t remember when I’ve had such a great time. That little guy has a mind like a trap door. He is pretty darned adept at sinking my battleships.”

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is said to be out shopping for Jeeps on the black market. China may have turned him away, but word has it that there are a couple of ex-pats living in Panama who are willing to sell him their 1950s Jeep Willy for a cool couple thousand. All it needs is a new tranny and it’ll be better than anything he’s seen so far in previous used-car shopping trips to Havana. Rodman is said to be excited as hell for the little North Korean dictator and is even shopping around for a Kim Jong Un bobble head for the dash once the deal’s been settled.

Top Things Kim Jong-Un Said to Wife on Wedding Night

It was a surprise to many to find out that Kim Jong-Un was dating, let alone getting married. While the saying goes, there is someone for everyone, we have to wonder just what kind of woman would marry a scary world leader like Kim Jong-Un. 


While we are wondering, just what kind of sweet nothings do you suppose Un whispered to his bride on their first night alone in the Bridal Chamber of the Royal Palace? 


Here are my thoughts:


That not medal you feel on thigh, baby.


You want to touch my big rocket?


We bang now. I pay later, ok?


Not such a little guy now, am I?


You best cousin in world.


Where babies come from?


Brastoff!


You no tell nobody about my secret stash of M&Ms


I really ruv your camofrage kimono, baby.


Make me feel special or I have you killed, ok?

North Korean Restaurant Chain Closes as Food Aid Cancelled

Kim Jong II to Kim Jong I, Do you read me?

PYONGYANG –A new North Korean restaurant chain delayed the launch of several new locations after the United States announced it would no longer provide food aid to the country.

Dim Sun Korean Restaurants, Ltd. claims that what was looking to be a very profitable enterprise taking advantage of all the free food that was finally flowing into the country via the United States has come to a grinding halt after N. Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un broke his word and went ahead with a rocket launch instead.

The restaurant chain’s American marketing director, Larry Herndon, says he was very disappointed to hear of the Supreme Leader’s decision to disregard the pact he made with President Obama, leaving Obama no alternative but to cancel the aid.

“The fast-food industry around the world has reached such a saturation point that our only alternative was to find a place that had never heard of the fast-food concept and try it there. When food aid started pouring into N. Korea, we instantly knew we’d found our market,” said Herndon.

“Were we worried something like this would happen?” asked a dejected Herndon. “Sure we were. But we followed the President’s lead in believing a new day was dawning in North Korea, and the Junior Jong would be a more honorable man,” replied Herndon. He admitted he couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Guess in this case, the missile doesn’t fall far from the launch pad,” he concluded.